I am just so dissapointed right now :(

[C.Ann]

I'm sorry..

Whatever the issue is, I hope the two of you can communicate and resolve it..

Good luck!

 

[southern_belle21]

Wow. I did not expect to have so many responses! I am home from a busy day and still trying to read all of the responses to my original post. I have so many responses myself that I want to say on here. Thank you all so much for all of the support and taking the time to say something here to encourage me a little. It's nice to know that I'm not a complete looney for thinking that this is wrong of my DH. I love him, and I want for us to be happy. Some of you have stated things that I have been feeling for awhile now. Even though he hit me literally out of the blue with the decision to call off our trip, I have been feeling second rate next to his family for several years. I honestly with all my heart never thought that he would ever do something like this though. I thought for certain that he would take up for me. I've really felt as though it's his family who controls him, and when I talk to him about it, he is totally unreasonable. He defends them, and his actions, and I have no idea what he has told his mom and/or brother. I went over there just Sunday for dinner (like we do almost every Sunday unless I request not to) and none of them said a THING to me about it. Not his mom. Not his brother. I casually said to my sister-in-law "Well, looks like I'll be around to help out with your baby shower after all," but she didn't question why. I really think that we're going to have to sit down and talk with someone like our pastor or a counselor. I don't want something like this to keep happening. Thanks guys SO MUCH for letting me vent, and I'm still reading response posts, so I'm sure some of you will be hearing from me again as I go through them.

 

[southern_belle21]

OP, I have a question about the money. I don't agree with taking money out of the account without discussion. Let me get that out there. My question is: do ya'll or your husband own jointly into this business? I'm guessing if he is putting family into the business without discussion something is up at work.

I in no way agree with how this has gone down but you need to really sit down and find out what is going on. I don't really think this is about being there to supervise or whatever. This really strikes me as a money issue.

Think about a compromise if at all possible. Discuss downgrading reservations or not staying as long. Just sit and talk to him. My first reaction would be very pissed off too but I firmly believe that there is always a reason someone would act like this on such short notice especially if he really was so excited about your upcoming trip and if nothing else should know better than to disappoint his wife on a big anniversary. Sit down and find out what is going on and the entire truth from business to home.

Okay, where do I begin to answer all of this lol. Yes, he is supposed to be in ownership of the business, and shares the split of ownership with first his mom, and second his brother. Actually the way he has explained it in the past is that his mom owns the largest share, then he and his brother own equal shares. THEY (his mother and brother) talk ALL the time (from what I am told here and there by my DH) about "plans". Business "plans", financial "plans", future "plans". The thing is, nothing like this has ever come between our OWN plans. I never thought that he would allow his family business to come between us. Or his family. He WAS EXCITED about this trip! He knows I've been excited. He loves Disney too! He's even a member on here! I thought that he would know me enough to know how much this was going to break my heart, and he even said that he had knots in his stomach right before he told me. So, I'm not understanding it.

Okay, so I asked and BEGGED him to just take a few days off so that we could go together..."not a whole week", I said. He just laughed and said that there is no way. Someone needs to be running the office, while he, his brother, and their uncle get work done on his mom's house. Trust me, I thought of this first thing. I didn't see why we couldn't just go for like a long weekend. He did not like this idea either. Just laughs it off as though I'm just being silly. He keeps saying that he had no idea that I would put Disney above him. Guess he really doesn't know me.

The reason I would talk to the family is because he's giving *family* as his excuse for cancelling.

His family could care less. And no I'm just exaggerating that. It. Is. A. FACT. I have given this a few days to allow myself time to think about it, and cool off. This happened last week. We were over there this past Sunday. NO ONE even MENTIONED it. That's just how they are. His family. They talk about their own plans, and both of my sister-in-laws are pregnant again, so that is talked about. My DH and I are hardly a topic of conversation, however, I was a little surprised that even my MIL didn't say anything to me, about us having to cancel.

I'd want to know if they really approve of this, and if they do, then I would be reconsidering whether I want to spend my whole life as a second class citizen in this "family".

Oh unfortunately I am certain that they DO approve of him not taking our trip, and spending time together (not just at Disney, but anywhere right now), since it means that my DH will be around to work with them, and for them. As for feeling like a second class citizen in this (his) family...I used to joke on many occasions that I was the "red-headed stepchild" in his family. I was the first to marry into his family. I have known the family since I was a senior in HS. His mom and dad came to my HS graduation. It never used to be like this. This has all occurred since my own mother's death going on 5 years ago (she passed away with cancer.) I was VERY VERY CLOSE to my own mom, and I have always had a pretty good relationship with my MIL, enough to where I THOUGHT that after my mom's death she would be there for me. Such is NOT the case. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Many times I have felt as though I just "don't fit in" with his family, and I have told him this on a few occasions.

Some men do not like their wives traveling without them (and vice versa). he probably doesn't want her to be able to have a good time if he is not included. There are married people that believe you need to be Siamese twins. Maybe he's one of them.

No. This is NOT DH. He is usually doing his best to make sure I'm happy, or that I can enjoy things. Honestly, up until this incident, I have always considered him to be very unselfish. He was JUST as excited as I was. He has talked about staying at AKL or AKV ever since he first visited Disney. Like I said. He is a DIS member as well.

I know. DH lost his right to have a say in this when he made a decision without discussing it with you. DH and I have canceled a much anticipated trip but it was a decision that we both made. I generally do not advocate either partner just taking off on a trip without a discussion beforehand but then my DH would never just decide that I was not worth an opinion.

That's exactly how I feel. As though I'm not worth an opinion. Or even a consultation.

Magpie- i understand your reasoning but I would not care what his family thought. My relationship with them would be independant of the relationship I have with my DH and if DH decided that I would take second seat to anyone I would not worry about airing laundry. I would simply hang him out to dry. For me, the trip is not the important issue here or that the DH feels compelled to help his family. It is the way the DH chose to handle it.

If DH was involved with a project with his family and felt strongly that he was needed to complete it in order to accomodate a new baby I would support that. I probably would not like it but I would respect it. I would not understand if he decided that my opinion had no value and so decreed that an anniversary trip was going to be canceled without even talking about the reason. And then he decided that if he was nto gooing I was not going either. For me this entire situation has nothing to do with the estended family, it is how the DH is treating his wife.

to you OP. And Happy 10th Anniversary.

Thank you. I can't begin to tell you how much I have been crying over this.

I'm with the other people, I think something is up. But if the other people in the family are spending money without a care in the world, maybe it isn't with the business, maybe it's something else. I don't know what, but it just seems odd that your dh is suddenly making this big sacrafice and the rest of the family isn't. Does the family have a history of being selfish? Could your dh have lent the money to someone else and is just using the business as an excuse?

No, his family is, or has been very giving. And no. I looked on our joint bank acct and SAW where he wrote a check to his business name. At the bottom in simply said "loan" where you put in what it's for. Saw it online in black and white.

Not trying to say your dh is being dishonest, it just doesn't seem to fit.

I'm left with a few questions about this situation too. Does the OP work outside the home--I mean does she have an income not dependant on her IL's business? Does she have her own (not joint) bank account? Can she afford to take the mostly paid-for trip? If so, I would sit down with my MIL and discuss the situation rationally, like two adult women, and decide on the relative merits of the situation what to do. If not, then the OP is going to have to either work hard on getting her DH to see himself as more than a part of the 'family business', or tell him that his anniversary present is marriage counselling.

Yes, I work two jobs. One (my main one) is a Children's event planning business that I actually started myself. I also play princess character entertainers for children's parties and local events. I am in local theater. It's SO MAGICAL and rewarding! I also work at a store in our mall a few days a week. I do have a checking acct for my party and event business. I could afford to, if it was just myself, but the point is, he will simply not stand for that. The end. Sitting down with my MIL is out. I have never had any discussion of this kind of importance with her, and I can tell you that she would talk about things over my head and not have the patience to make sure I understood anything. If she doesn't acknowledge that our trip is off, or even say anything to me, why would she sit down and discuss anything with me of importance? Good thought, but not going to happen.

If the situation is as the OP outlined it, she definitely has the right to be upset -- and better information w/o a guilt trip from her DH. I'd hold off on making a decision to take the trip w/o him until I got some better financial info, because he could really be struggling to hold the business together and not being helped by his family's spending.

If he, or they (his mom, brother, and himself) are struggling to hold the business together, then they are going about it in a VERY WRONG WAY. Building houses and buying boats, and taking trips, etc.. The STRANGE thing is, I honestly HONESTLY do NOT believe that his mother would ever condone spending like this if they cannot afford to do so. A little back history about DH and his mom and their family. My MIL is a VERY SMART business woman. She and my (late) father-in-law built this business out of nothing from the ground up. It is because of her smart mind for money and business that they even have a business. I do know her well enough to know that she looks out for them, and that business above all. My DH gets his money management smarts from her. And I do give him credit for being smart with finances.

Setting aside the $, the anniversary & other issues, OP has already been there this year -- and yearly for the last several. You're not by chance such a Disney fan that you try to "convince" your DH that's where you vacation -- no matter where he would like to go, are you?

DH fell in love with Disney World the first time he went in 8th grade. He shares my love for all things Disney. He even has his own crazy Disney obsessions. He is a DISboards member and a member on other forums as well. This is NOT something I have forced on him. If he feels this way, then he is a VERY GOOD liar, and all of the most amazing memories we have shared at Disney mean nothing.

My radar went up when he repeatedly told you you were being selfish, I saw your past trips sig AND the fact you described yourself as a grown up princess? You don't need to explain to us, but if any of this has a grain of truth in it, don't push your marriage to the brink because of a Disney vacation.

I don't mind answering you by saying: Yes! I AM a princess! Haha! No, honestly, I get PAID to be. I have my own Children's event planning business, and I host princess tea parties as a fairytale princess character. The Snow White avatar I have is myself dressed up in costume. I have had all of my costumes custom made, and keep up with everything myself. It's not as easy being a "princess" as it sounds. There is a good deal of hard work that goes into what I do every week. This isn't simply over a Disney vacation. There are many underlying issues that have come to mind. Thank you for putting it into perspective though. It's always good to have that side to look on.

I have not read all the replies, but is there any way he could go for a few nights, and you stay for the whole time? You could fly down together, and he could leave after a few nights and you stay on?

I wish there were. He will not budge from his saying "no". It cannot happen without him basically asking me to leave my own home if I do make a decision to go alone, or with a friend. He will not go for any amount of time this time. His family comes first.

He told you this? Is a controlling man? Do you fear him? A loving partner would not tell his wife that she is not going on vacation. He might discuss it with her, but to make the decision and just tell you where you are not going sounds extremely controlling.

I've had the thought cross my mind, but it has NEVER been like this. Honestly, I'm really devastated. Wish I had an answer to why it's like this right now.


Well then, he can stay. Why did he make the decision for you without speaking to you first?

I. have. no. idea.

This alone would make me start second-guessing the ethics of the man that I married.



He obviously doesn’t care. I feel very badly for you

Thank you so much. I really feel like this right now.

He did all of this without even speaking to you Really?

Yes. Well he told me we couldn't go. I told HIM that HE would have to contact the DVC member and explain to her that we couldn't go. 1) because I was furious. 2) because I am STILL confused and would have no idea what to say to her. 3) I feel that it is HIS responsibility to take care of it. I want no part in saying we can't go.


He is mentally abusive. It is as simple as I can get. Seek professional help and STOP being spoken to and treated in this manner Do you really want to go through life with a man that treats you like this?

No. I do NOT want to go through life feeling like this.

This thread isn't going to help you, get off the Dis and talk to your husband.

Hope it all works out for you.

Thank you. I can not tell you how many times I have TRIED to talk to him. It, so far, has always ended up in arguing and yelling and me feeling worse. The only way that we are going to be able to talk about anything of any significance is if we have either our pastor or counselor in the room I am afraid.

Just to make it clear, to me it is not about Disney or “needing” to be at Disney. It is obvious that the OP has been there many times and it seems like it is not a bad drive for her Jealous

Sometimes money issues crop up and trips have to be cancelled. That happens. That is life.

This is about the way he DH treats her, speaks to her, secretly cancels plans, gets furious at her for making suggestions or asking questions, calls her names, gives out loans without informing her, etc.

This is not a good situation.

Yes. This is now the point.

My initial thought is that something is going on that your DH is hiding from you.

It doesn't make sense that he can't take a week off to go on a trip with you. It also doesn't make sense that money is gone from your account for the family when the family are buying luxury items.

I hate to say this .... well, I won't say it .... but I think maybe there might be something you need to find out for yourself about what your DH is hiding. I wouldn't believe anything at this point that he is telling you.

It's not about the trip - something else is happening.

Yes, this is what scares me. And I have absolutely no idea what it is, or how to go about finding out what it is...and if I do find something, I have no idea how to handle it.

The more I think about this the more I think you need to insist on written proof of where your savings money went and when and when and how it will be paid back and everyone involved in the business (from an owner/family standpoint, not random hourly workers of course) needs to be a part of the conversation. Something is going on that you are not being told about.

I have been on our bank acct online and seen where the check has been written out. I am/have NEVER been part of any conversation concerning my DH and his family's business. And unless I am mistaken (which I may be since I don't ever see or do anything with my sister-in-law) no one outside of my DH, his mother, and his brother are ever part of business conversations. When I have asked, I am told by DH that it is always "in our best interest" and that is a direct quote from DH.

OP--Again, I hate the jump on the husband mentality and this is only WILD speculation with no facts so take it for what it is okay? Do you think there is any possibility that your husband may have "borrowed" money from the family business without permission (to gamble, support a drug habit or shopping addiction or what have you) and been caught by his mother/brother before he could pay it back? Maybe he is not loaning money but what came out of your savings is actually a repayment and part of how he is making amends and showing good faith to his family now is by cancelling the trip and working more? Maybe even you going on the trip would send the message to family that you have money and he is trying to play it that he was desperate and broke? Would his family cover for him in that way?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I know that this is just something you were thinking of that might account for his behavior, but I know for certain that that is NOT the case. DH and his whole family DO work hard, and his mother would never allow anything of the sort. No matter how much she loves him, she would call him out on something like that. I honestly do not believe it is something like that. There is SOMETHING, but I'm not sure what. That is far fetched.
Again, that is really a stretch but for his attitude to change overnight like that and for him to be so secretive about taking money and so, um controlling in his casting of your feelings I think something very wrong is happening somewhere and you need to know what it is.

I do agree. It was so sudden. I have no idea what or where to look.

It's not often that a marriage issue thread can get to page five without someone chiming in that there's two sides to every story and to give your husband the benefit of the doubt -- when this many posters are in agreement, you really need to take a hard look at what they're saying. With that in mind and the fact that the majority here are telling you that your husband is being a controlling jerk, you need to take back the control here! Demand to have an accounting of what has happened to every dime of that money for one thing, and for another start packing now and go on that trip, either alone or with a friend. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you won't tolerate being called selfish when he is the one putting his family first.

A couple thoughts:

First, not all couples have separate accounts. We don't. In fact, I am of the belief that this practice is very bad for the relationship.

Second, Not all couples require that both members be involved with all financial transactions. In fact, many relationships work just fine with one person making the financial decisions. (I suspect that the OP is not very involved with their finances and may not understand their true financial picture.)

Third, according to the OP, one of the reasons for cancelling the trip was that money that was for the trip was loaned to the company. This money is no longer available for the trip, so talk of the wife taking the trip with a friend instead of the husband is not helpful, since the trip cannot be afforded regardless of who goes.

The money for the DVC room is already paid for. The money we needed to purchase park tickets, adding the DDP and gas were what was left. I have a friend who now works AT Disney who was asking me to come see her. She has told me that she can have up to 3 other people come with her and if I'm not mistaken Disney CMs either get discounted park tickets or get in free. Or am I wrong? I thought that we could work something out so that I could at least go see her for a few days, and it would be inexpensive, but DH was against that. He decided that it would be selfish for me to go without him again. DH's exact words. No lie.

Fourth, while I have no problems with couples taking vacations without one another in theory, both people need to be on board with that idea. One member taking a vacation without the other when the other is opposed to it is a very bad idea.

I was not even given a choice...or consulted AT ALL before he came and TOLD me the decision.

Fifth, people who suggest that there is more going on than what has been presented and actually are suggesting divorce are projecting and giving the OP very bad advice.

That I agree with. This is BY NO MEANS IN ITSELF a reason for divorce. Just because we can't go to Disney I'm not going to look for a way out. That is ridiculous.

Wow. I can't find a bit of good advice in there.

Take back the control? How about the OP and her husband simply work on having more open communications? Perhaps the husband hasn't previously discussed this issue because he knew that the discussion wouldn't be welcomed? I have no knowledge as to whether that's true, but it certainly is possible.

He flat out told me that he dreaded telling me...the thing is, this came out of NOWHERE! One day he was gung ho and happy about our trip...the next it was "we're not going." I'm confused.

Demand an accounting of every dime? Perhaps the OP would be better served by simply being involved in the families finances in the future. If you aren't going to be involved in teh financial decisions, you have no right to be upset when those decisions run contrary to your desires. Again, I don't know whether the OP has tried to be involved in financial decisions, but it doesn't appear that she has.

While I understand that you are just trying to see both sides, and perhaps speculate that I am "simply a woman who doesn't care as long as she's taken care of", which I do own my own business, so this is not true, I do have to address this statement. 1) How CAN I be involved in ANY financial decisions when things are not shared with me? Could YOU make any decisions about anything if you did not have all of the information? 2) You are correct in saying that I shouldn't be upset when things don't always go my way...but really, who should? Would it be okay for you to get upset when something doesn't go YOUR way? Or do you just brush it off and say that you are better than that? 3) I HAVE asked my DH to involve me in our finances, and I'm not going to lie and say that he does not handle paying MOST of the bills online. He does. I have bills that I am responsible for, and he is better at handling money than I am. We USUALLY talk about things that are this involved. At least I thought we did. I have wished for a more equal ground between us, and I have voiced that. ANY marriage that does not involved BOTH partners (do you see the word here? PARTNERS) is not going to be good.

Go on the trip anyway? Even though the money for the trip is no longer available? I just don't see this as a responsible financial decision, let alone the damage that such a decision would do to the relationship.

OP, I'm so sorry for your situation. You need to know that you do not have to take this. A marriage is a partnership. Do NOT allow him to call you selfish. I'm guessing that there's no way that any of us can convince you that you can go without him. You need to be in counseling. If he won't go, then start without him. This is not a healthy relationship. Take care of yourself please.

I can't go without him because he is very much against it, and I really don't want to make things worse by doing so. As much as I'd LOVE to go and see my friend who lives down there, I have a responsibility to still be a wife and stay here and try to figure out what went wrong, what's going on, and how to fix it.

We don't have separate accounts, and I typically make our financial decisions. With that said, I would never just tell my DH that the 10 year anniversary trip that we had been planning for a year was off and that we were going to lose the money already spent. She is in South Carolina - an easy drive with fairly little expense involved. She could go and spend the week vegging at the resort enjoying the pool and not be out any extra dollars. Who in their right mind would rather lose a weeks cost at a DVC then spend a couple of hundred bucks for their spouse to enjoy it? She'll have a kitchen so there won't even be any additional cost for food - she would have to eat at home too.

This is true. The DVC points are paid for. I wrote the check out for the remaining balance myself. Out of my own (joint) checkbook lol. My friend and I could have stayed at AKV and eaten smart, but it isn't going to be this time.

I'm not sure anyone suggested actually getting divorced over this issue, but the husband's behavior is such that I would definitely be evaluating my marriage and if I would want to be treated that way for the rest of my life by my spouse.....but then honesty is kind of important to me.

Thank you. It is important to any marriage. I truly appreciate your support

Just a thought on who controls the finances and "controlling men"...

My husband is a high testosterone-type male. He's the kind of guy I find sexy, because he makes plans and decisions, and every now and then he stomps around the house like a T-Rex, growling at things. He earns the money and takes care of our finances. I cook and run the household, and keep tabs on the kids.

But! My husband ALWAYS asks me before he does anything with our money, even small things like donating 100 bucks to Pakistan flood relief. It doesn't matter if I don't care, or if investing makes my eyes glaze over, whenever there's a financial decision to be made, he drags me over to the computer and shows me everything and explains everything, and then says, "This is what we have. I want to do this, that and the other thing. Is that okay?"

And then he waits for me to say it's okay, before he does it. If I have any questions or worries, he takes the time to answer my concerns. Even if I'm sometimes slow to understand the financial stuff, he never puts me down, or belittles me. Ever!

OP - I don't know the whole story, and evidently neither do you. You need to keep asking questions until you understand the whole truth. And your husband needs to be a LOT more respectful toward you.

You can have a traditional marriage without giving up your self-respect or allowing yourself to be treated like a child.

Thank you, I REALLY needed to hear that this is possible. You have no idea.

Hmm, as much as I'd be mad and sad about the trip, I think you have a bigger issue...
Who actually owns the 'family' business? Are there loan documents for your money? How are the profits from the business distributed? (ie why does brother have a boat, mom a new house, everyone a week at a cabin that you paid for....and you have to cancel your trip). Really, this sounds like very messy business accounting.
Family is family, but business is business. I'd talk to your DH about getting financial documents from the business--time for full disclosure. A few conversations with the business accountant are in order--succession planning, money management, etc. Really, this is only going to get worse if you don't get a handle on a separation between business money and each individual family member's money.

They (DH, his mom, his bro) have "business discussions" all the time. No one else is ever present, or involved. I know, from my end, that I am simply "informed" when something is decided.

Um who actually paid for the trip and talked to the DVC owners...if it was me I'd see if he even paid it in March. Otherwise why wouldn't you go and not lose the money? Sounds like he's hiding something else, like that he DID NOT pay off the vacation and he waited until now to tell you he had to cancel the trip at short notice.

We (DH and myself) paid for the DVC points. WE wrote the first half of the payment check out and sent it in. Then I MYSELF wrote the second half of the payment check out and sent it in. The DVC member got BOTH checks, they cleared...she confirmed payment and sent a paper with the reservation confirmation. I assure you. It was (is) paid for.

Monica, I haven't read the whole thread yet. I just wanted to give you a .

I'm sure the shock of it all (the financial curve balls) and the let down are a lot to take in one foul swoop. I can certainly understand your frustration!

I'll go back and read the rest of the thread. Just wanted to say, I understand.

Oh thank you SO MUCH! I really and truly appreciate that.

This. Expecting to just lose the money rather than let the OP and other friends or family members use it makes no sense at all. Whatever happened has to make sense, so I think the vacation was never really paid for.

It is. The DVC member sent us the confirmation ressie and the paper. We have been in good communication. It was all there and ready to go.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--thanks for coming back and answering so many questions I hope you can get a chance to speak with you pastor soon--just you for starters and tell him everything you have put here. Maybe he (or she) can help you figure out how to approach some of these issues.

Personally, one thing that jumped out at me because it came up a few times is the family business discussions being closed with just the three. I think that is okay most of the time. Most of us get no say in business decisions involving our spouses (most of those souses are not owners--but still). You do not work for the company so your opinion on internal matters is not wanted. Okay--not ideal given that your DH is an owner but livable. However, that loan was from your PERSONAL money into the company. At that point it absolutely becomes your business. You have every right to know where your money is being loaned to and why.
I know you keep repeating that they are such shrewd business people--but they needed an emergency loan of a lot of money for some reason--so something is wrong. You have a right to determine if loaning that money is a good decision or not and to do that you need to know what is going on. Now it is too late, the loan has been made, but you have every right to find out even after the fact where you stand with that, why it has been loaned out (a serious why and not just that it was needed) and when it will be coming back to you.
Honestly, I would call a business meeting with your husband and his mother and his brother. very calmly explain that YOUR money has been placed in the business without your approval and thus you need to know why, what it is being used for, how the company plans to recoup it and when and how they will pay it back. Don't bring up the trip or anything else not related to the business decision of the loan. If they try to hold your ground and say "This is not about the trip, it is a business issue--you as business owners must surely understand that I need to know what is happening with my money" and then find out the full story from ALL of them. Take a friend (or your pastor would be even better if possible) along for moral support.
I think you really need to do something like the above. Right now it sounds to me like you are being taken advatage of and pushed aside and almost bullied by all 3 and it won't stop unless you can stand up for yourself (since obviously your husband is not standing up for you).
Good luck with whatever happens. I do wish you all of the best.

 

[MerMom60_94]

OK, I avoided hopping on here yesterday while everyone was in a frenzy, but I just have to wonder. Since this is not normal behavior for the OP's husband, what are the chances he has planned either a party or a bigger trip as a surprise for the OP? That would explain missing money and having to cancel the reservations. Everyone is jumping to sinister conclusions, but if the husband is not normally like this I have to wonder if he has a surprise of some sort planned for such a special occassion.

 

[Tuffcookie]

OP,



I hope you & your DH can sit down with the pastor soon.

TC

 

[Magpie]

OK, I avoided hopping on here yesterday while everyone was in a frenzy, but I just have to wonder. Since this is not normal behavior for the OP's husband, what are the chances he has planned either a party or a bigger trip as a surprise for the OP? That would explain missing money and having to cancel the reservations. Everyone is jumping to sinister conclusions, but if the husband is not normally like this I have to wonder if he has a surprise of some sort planned for such a special occassion.

I wish! But I doubt it, since she says he's been yelling at her, and called her "stupid".

BTW, OP - right there's where I'd draw the line. I KNOW how valuable I am to my husband, and there's no way I'd ever tolerate him calling me "stupid". He's all macho, sure. He yells sometimes. But he never yells AT me, and when he gets too loud all I have to do is look at him and say, "You're yelling," and he'll try to pull it back. He'll go for a walk, if he has to. Sometimes, if he just needs to vent, I'll go with him and he can wave his arms around outside and rant about work, and it's all good.

If he's really crossing the line and starting to snarl AT me, then I cross my arms and say, "I didn't do anything wrong here, so why are you taking it out on me?" Give him a few minutes and he'll figure out what his real problem is, and come back with an apology. He knows he has to treat me right, or he's not going to have a wife anymore.

I think in a relationship, especially with certain types of men, you have to say clearly, "This is how I will be spoken to, this is how I expect to be treated," and then stick to your guns. If you don't show them where the line is, they'll run roughshod right over you.

I think you SHOULD talk to your pastor about this. I hope you call him today! Even if your DH can't or doesn't want to go with you right away, you can talk to him alone.

 

[RayaniFoxmur]

I'm sorry but the fact that you said basically if you make the decision and go by yourself or with a friend that your husband will ask you to leave your own home? GIGANTIC RED FLAG!

That's ridiculous. Is he really such a child that he would stomp around and tell you that it's over because you stood up for yourself and did something that actually made financial sense (Who wants to throw money away?!) and fun for yourself?

Get thee to a councilor. If that's all it would take than you have deeper issues than this.

 

[RebeccaB]

Simply stated, it's called boundaries. BOUNDARIES. There need to be some here.

 

[cabanafrau]

If you know taking the trip w/o him will result in him asking you to leave your own home, the situation is obviously not good. I certainly hope he doesn't have a legal leg to stand on in regards to your home. That attitude alone would beyond outweigh any disappointment I felt about a vacation.

I certainly hope you're able to take measures to save your marriage and get the two of you on common ground. Best of luck to you.

 

[faith]

Has he been willing to put together a delayed anniversary trip? Sit down and plan a disney trip at Christmas time. Beautiful decorations and time away from FAMILY for just the two of you. Pop Century is a budget hotel, but my Dh and I have a great time there by ourselves or with family. It's about memories and time together. You can go on a budget! I hope the line of communication gets better for you two soon.

 

[Luvchefmic]

OP- I hope your DH will even be willing to sit with your pastor. I don't think he will & I hope I'm wrong. Forget the Disney vacation, the giving money into the business without your knowledge and mutual agreement to do this. There are too many red flags: You said he was furious, he called you names, you will be out of the house if you go against him...honey you have more problems in this marriage than you think you do and I hope you can end up having a life where you have respect, it starts with having self respect.

Best wishes

 

[simpilotswife]

Oh let me just say. I did think of doing this. I was so upset that we were going to have to give up the perfectly paid for reservations at AKV and all the dining ADRs that I've stressed out making, that I brought up the idea of me going with down there with a friend, and he was furious that I even brought that idea up! I was thinking, "well better than just throwing it all away" I could make use of it. He said I was so selfish for thinking this. That it was supposed to be our special trip. Yeah. It was. Apparently I am just crazy.

Is that any more selfish than his lending his family money without tell you? If it were me, I'd be going without him and I would also be telling him that I will be using the time to consider whether or not to get a divorce. I would not want to remain married to someone who considers me to be "stupid".

 

[Katy Belle]

I have not read the whole thread, but I wanted to comment. I think that things are feeling complicated because it's his family that he works with. What if he had a different job, and he told you that you couldn't take a trip now? Would it feel do personal? If his boss told him that they were just too busy to allow vacations at this time, what would you expect him to do?

Let me tell you a story seven years ago my DH got a bonus check at work and told me to plan a disney trip. This was our FIRST trip ever. So I planned, and, planned and was so excited, as were our 3boys, and my DH. We were to depart for our trip November 1st. Well, oct 31 at 2:30 DH called. Things were bad at work and we had to cancel the trip Really, I had to unpack the van, cancel our reservations, etc and we didn't go. I was crushed and so was he, but we had no choice. Friends suggested I leave him at home and go, but it didn't feel right. We went when things calmed down at work, 3 months later.

Your DH sounds like a good guy. Support him in his decision and find a time that you can go together.

Katy

 

[disneybound2010]

First of all to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Trip aside, I wholeheartedly agree with the PP poster that says you need to call a business meeting with them. You may not be considered part of the "family business" but the minute DH took money for you JOINT account, he made you a part of it. You both put money into that account and without consulting, took YOUR money for HIS business I would want an exact accounting.


As for DH calling you selfish or stupid and basically asking you to leave the home if you go on this trip, BIG BIG BIG RED FLAG!This is not about you taking a trip, but something much deeper. You and DH need to get this straightened out ASAP I think it is time you do some real soul searching and make a fast track to either your pastor or counselor, with or without your DH. 10 years is a long time to be married, but what kind of marriage is it if DH is making you feel this way?

Best of luck to you and I do hope that everything is resolved one way or another.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have not read the whole thread, but I wanted to comment. I think that things are feeling complicated because it's his family that he works with. What if he had a different job, and he told you that you couldn't take a trip now? Would it feel do personal? If his boss told him that they were just too busy to allow vacations at this time, what would you expect him to do?

Let me tell you a story seven years ago my DH got a bonus check at work and told me to plan a disney trip. This was our FIRST trip ever. So I planned, and, planned and was so excited, as were our 3boys, and my DH. We were to depart for our trip November 1st. Well, oct 31 at 2:30 DH called. Things were bad at work and we had to cancel the trip Really, I had to unpack the van, cancel our reservations, etc and we didn't go. I was crushed and so was he, but we had no choice. Friends suggested I leave him at home and go, but it didn't feel right. We went when things calmed down at work, 3 months later.

Your DH sounds like a good guy. Support him in his decision and find a time that you can go together.

Katy

My husband has had to cancel a trip very last minute (same day as well) once and fly home early once for work too. It is very disappointing but that is life once in a while. The MAJOR differences then are that my husband felt awful about it and encouraged the rest of us to go on without us, that the cancellation was FOR WORK not to help his mother build a house, and that he did not loan any of OUR money to his business. I certainly was not called selfish or stupid for being disappointed that work was messing with our long planned vacations and I cannot fathom my husband threatening to end our marriage if i had gone on the trips anyway (we did). Big differences if you ask me.

Then again, my husband has not sat by while his family treats me as a second class citizen throughout our marriage. He has not taken me to meals with people who do not treat me nicely week after week. He has not tied up our livelihood with such people so that I am forced to spend time with them and accept their decisions without question. He has not kept me in the dark about what goes on in his work. He has not ever taken a lot of money from our accounts to do anything without consulting me. He has never had secrets from me (work or family and certainly not teh two tied together) .I don't know--all of those things do not sit well with me. What I hear when I read the OP's words is a very sweet and loving woman who is not being treated fairly and has begun to second guess her instincts even though they seem to be spot on. It makes me sad.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

OP I am sorry about your trip. I hope you will do something special for yourself during the week you have taken off work. Setting up an appointment with either your pastor or a good counselor would be a good way to use the time off. If you husband is a member here you might want to be careful what you post at least under a name he would know. While you have every right to ask for sympathy for fellow disers you want to be aware that you husband can read everything you have written.

 

[Scurvy]

I have not read the whole thread, but I wanted to comment. I think that things are feeling complicated because it's his family that he works with. What if he had a different job, and he told you that you couldn't take a trip now? Would it feel do personal? If his boss told him that they were just too busy to allow vacations at this time, what would you expect him to do?

Let me tell you a story seven years ago my DH got a bonus check at work and told me to plan a disney trip. This was our FIRST trip ever. So I planned, and, planned and was so excited, as were our 3boys, and my DH. We were to depart for our trip November 1st. Well, oct 31 at 2:30 DH called. Things were bad at work and we had to cancel the trip Really, I had to unpack the van, cancel our reservations, etc and we didn't go. I was crushed and so was he, but we had no choice. Friends suggested I leave him at home and go, but it didn't feel right. We went when things calmed down at work, 3 months later.

Your DH sounds like a good guy. Support him in his decision and find a time that you can go together.

Katy

This sounds very different than the OP's situation, though. My husband also has a very demanding job, and we've had to cancel trips in the past because he couldn't get away from work. I was disappointed, but I didn't get upset with him because we both know that it's an unfortunate part of his job that he will be expected to put in very long hours occasionally. Of course if there had been a time when we had to cancel a trip (and actually lose money in the process) and I could go with a friend rather than missing the trip entirely, my husband would have been packing my bag and gassing up the car for me, because he would have wanted me to enjoy the trip even if he couldn't. I wouldn't have gone, but I know he would have been very supportive if I had wanted to.

If the OP was complaining that her husband had to work and it wasn't fair I'd totally be giving her advice similar to yours. But that isn't what's happening here. Her husband is making decisions without even consulting her, putting off their anniversary trip in favor of his mother and her house, loaning their money to his family without talking to her about it, and making it possible for his family to vacation and buy boats while making his wife do without their trip. Plus, he doesn't want her to go without him even though she wouldn't have to spend much for her to go. He is laughing at her and trying to make her feel bad for wanting to go on this trip that she was so excited about. That is not a work issue. It's an issue of communication and priorities. Her husband is placing his family above his wife. That is not something the OP should be expected to put up with.

OP, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope your husband is willing to sit down with you and your pastor. I'm almost never one to advocate walking away from a marriage, but I have to say I don't think I could live with this lack of communication and respect. If he wasn't willing to talk things through and get counseling, I'd be going on that vacation alone and if he wasn't willing to stay with me after that then I'd consider that his fault, not mine. A marriage should not be in danger of ending over something like this. If he would actually want you to leave just because you went on this trip, and isn't just saying that because he's upset, then I think there are much more serious issues going on than this one cancelled vacation. I hope you are able to work things out. Good luck!

 

[N&B'smom]

OP - I think you're husband is very selfish for expecting YOU to not have a problem with giving up your trip. He should have come to you and said that he would not be able to make it due to all those issues and suggest you take someone along. It's rude for him to treat you the way he has.

My DH has a bad back. We had a trip booked for Disney last Sept. In August he came to me and said that he really didn't think he could go and that I should see if my mom would go with me. (it was booked with our DVC points, all dining was booked, flights booked, tickets purchased, etc) I did end up going with my mom and it was a fantastic time. I know my hubby was very sad when we left and disappointed he couldn't go, but he chose what he felt was best for his situation but knew that it shouldn't effect myself and the kids.

I am SOOOOOO sorry this has happened.

 

[TLuvsD]

I understand that your MIL. BIL, and DH want to keep the business decisions between them. And to a certain extent, that's reasonable. It became unreasonable when your DH took YOUR money and put it into the family business without YOUR permission. At that point you have a right to a lot more information. If business is going so well, why do they need YOUR money.
I do get that family businesses require careful vacation planning (not everyone can be gone at once), but if your trip has been planned since March, they need to plan around your trip. There is no sense in beating a dead horse, but you can bet I'd be planning the next trip and repeat those dates at every Sunday dinner until I left. Seriously, this is all about communication. If your DH doesn't communicate business issues with you, does he communicate family issues (vacation dates--actual we are leaving date x and will return date y) with the business.
My dad has his own business, my DH has his own business. My DH and SIL need to oversee their mother's care (alzhimers). It takes a lot of co-ordination. Several family members have their own businesses. Things get messy when the older business owners pass and there is no succession plan, no real division of ownership, etc. I've seen situations where everyone took the same "salary", while one person ran the business and the others worked very limited hours. It's a mess, and a lot of resentment builds up.

If you don't think sitting in on business meetings is possible, you need to insist on full disclosure of all business information your DH has--salary, profit distribution, who's responsible for what loans, what type of business (ie corporation, limited partnership.etc). You could be in a situation where you are personally responsible for loans you don't even know anything about (I doubt it, but it's possible).
Talk it all over with your pastor or a good counselor. You might want to talk to them once or twice without your DH.
For what it's worth--time to open separate accounts for your business. You need to separate your business finances from your family finances just as much as your DH needs to separate the family business from your family finances.
(((hugs))) and I sure hope things improve for you and your DH.