I am having a Grandparent/inlaw problem

[Chris2597]

My ds is graduating from high school and the card arrived from the out of town grandparents.....with 20.00 cash.....An ok gift under most circumstance.....However, our DD graduated from high school about 6 years ago and recieved 100.00, plus the GP's came from about 1200 miles away for the celebration.....When DS opened the card....I didnt say a word, hoping he had not remembered what they had given his sister....but no such luck....he said....didnt they give sis 100.00.....I said yes....he said....did i do something to offend them....why would I get so little........I told him I would ask them about it, but he said no mom, let it drop.....This infuriates me as they had pulled stuff like this when the kids were young, but had gotten more sensitive about gifts and hurting feelings in the last few years.....
They are retired but are in no way strapped for money....if anything they have more now than they did 6 years ago....
I guess what bugs me is this is the type of thing you dont forget.....It isn't the $$ but it is the fact that they could slight him in this way. I guess I just cant freakin believe that over 80.00 they would hurt his feelings or make him feel less than his sister..and have this be a grandparent memory for him......They always make a big to do over being so fair and equal with their kids and GK's.....They only have 6 grandchildren which are pretty spread out in age.....so it is not like they had several graduating in one year....My neice (their GK) will be graduating next year and I wonder what they will deem appropriate for her. The cousins are all close and of course talk....
So what do you all think....should this be addressed with them....I in no way would accept a supplemental gift at this point, but i do feel that they should know what they did....

 

[floridafam]

JMO,

I wouldn't say anything to them. Maybe there is a reason.

I would let it drop, if that is your son's wish.

My grandparents used to do stuff like that all the time but we never made a big deal out of it.

Congratulations to your son. Just be proud that he isn't making a big deal out money. That's worth way more than $80 any day.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Please tell them. I had to do the same for my two -- I would rather both get less, as long as they're equal. You need to let the grandparents know, in a nice way, though -- what's done is done - I think the goal now is to educate them (again) as to what is acceptable for your children.

for your ds's hurt.

 

[onecoolmama]

I am sooo sorry. My cousins grandparents (on the other side) will say I love you to one sibling and not to the other two.

I dont know if I would say anything...who am I kidding..I probably would.

 

[buddy&wooz]

It's possible they simply don't remember that they gave your daughter so much more. I send money gifts to my nieces and nephews and often forget just how much I sent each one- I tend to just send what I can afford at the time. It never occured to me that they'd be keeping track, since my kids don't- guess I'll try to be more consistant from now on!

 

[doxdogy]

I would definitely say something to them. I just can't figure out how grandparents can play favorites with their grandchildren. I would give my eyeteeth to have a grandchild.

 

[AZ JazzyJ]

Originally posted by doxdogy
I would give my eyeteeth to have a grandchild.

Um, that might be your problem. I am not sure kids want eyeteeth. I can ask around the playground for you though. You just never know there might be some kid out there that just loves teeth. Never having been to dental school before I have to ask, what kind of vision do you get out of eyeteeth? I wonder if that is what my grandma meant when she always used to say, "I can see what you're saying." Now that's just freaky if she is starting to stare at me out of her mouth.


I am not sure I would say anything. Maybe your DS' grandparents had their wisdom teeth removed instead of their eyeteeth and they just got stupid for a minute (no offense). Could just be an oversight. You know how old people can be. Wait, you're not old are you? If so, please don't take offense. Some of my best friends are old. In fact, my wife is old. Just tell your son to look on the bright side, they could have sent him McDonalds Gift Certificates.

Jeff

 

[minniecarousel]

Sometimes I have to check my check registers from a few years ago to make sure I give the same to each niece/nephew for the milestones. It gets tough! I think the GParents just forgot what they gave the other one.

That said, one of my brothers is Godfather to our oldest & he & his wife have given some big checks to him, while giving nothing to our younger DS. Younger DS's godparents were never into giving gifts any different from our older son. I've never said anything to my brother - just told younger son that he did that for his brother since he's his Godfather. It's something that younger DS has just accepted.

 

[Saphire]

Even as a parent, it is hard to keep things straight with what you give to who, but the kids do seem to remember. It could be a simple oversight. If this is an isolated incident, I would let it go, but you imply it has happened before. If you do decide to confront them, it should be your husband who does it. They will most likely extend more grace to a son than a daughter-in-law if they feel defensive at all about being confronted. Most of all, I feel for your son, as these things do matter. Give him an extra hug and tell him what a great job he has done. The love and support of his Mom and Dad is the most important thing of all.

 

[Mimi Q]

My parents are elderly and have a hard time remembering from one graduation to the next how much they gave the last grandchild that graduated. I usually have to ask the kids how much it was as I can't remember either. You are right, the children never forget how much money their grandparents gave them. Maybe they really didn't remember how much they gave your daughter and they didn't mean to slight your son. If he says to not mention it to them, I wouldn't.

 

[arminnie]

I'm sure this is not the case with your son - but I give my niece substantially more than my nephew because she writes me great thank you notes and keeps in touch and I have heard NOTHING from him in the past 5 years.

The last gift I gave him (and believe me there will not be another) I wrote my email address, home address, phone number, cell phone number,etc in the card with the check. The check was cashed immediately but I never heard from him. This had gone on for several years but once he turned 18 I was through giving him presents. So now for every occasion she gets double - what I would have given him added to her gift.

 

[AirForceRocks]

If your son doesn't want you to mention, I wouldn't.

My MIL (DH's step mother) is always stressing how "all of the grandchildren" (she has 5, FIL has just our 2) have to be treated the same, yet she has a history of being stingy with our kids...in spite of the fact that all of the money they, which is a lot, came from FIL, not from her. I used to get mad about it, but now I just shrug it off and remind myself that our kids are our responsibility, not hers.

 

[Chris2597]

Well....when dh got home he said that he felt we needed to nicely tell them how they made ds feel and that he wondered if he jad offended them at some time.....DH also told them that DS did not want us to say anything but we felt that we needed to have open communication about this.....We got a newsy email back from them with an ending sentence....of .....we did what we could.....Bull.....Well....later today I got an email from them saying that they had only given dd 50.00 for high school grad and 100.00 for college grad....they said that they might be mistaken and to correct them if they were wrong....I replied that they were mistaken....The dollar value of the gift is not the issue....It is the dynamic that it sets up between the children.....This set of GP are very money oriented.....everything has a dollar amount attached to it.....so you can see why the GK's percieve their worth with the Grandparents by what type of gift they are given....
My children have always written thank you notes for every gift they recieve and have kept in touch with their grandparents....My mil always comments that my children are the only kids in the family to acknowledge gifts....
We are dropping the issue.....but it is one more thing in a line of hurts that have been dealt over the years.

 

[RNMOM]

I think your son should know his father addressed this on his behalf. Not to make anyone feel bad but for him to know it matter that much to his father that the perception of being slighted was important.

I agree dropping it would be a good idea. What does your daughter say about this? Does she know?

Maybe having a special day for your son with his family might help to make things better, a family dinner at his favorite place. Stress the solidarity of your core family and acknowledge that other family members don't always handle things as we wish but we don't have any control over that, only how we feel about it.

Sounds to me like he is very lucky to have you both as parents.

 

[DMRick]

Good grief, I never keep track. It depends on what they need and how much I have at the time. My GD needed a computer this Christmas, so I got her one. I saw a boat (a model boat you drive), that I just knew one of my grandson's would just love (and wow! did he) that was $500 less, and I got it for him. He finally got to use this spring (we have snow and ice in the water at Christmas time) and called to tell me how much he loved it. They opened their pool up last week, and he's been using it all week..and he keeps telling me it's the best present ever.
For money gifts, one may want to go to camp and is using their own money, or one of them might be going to Disney with us or their parents, and needs spending cash..so whatever occasion is coming up, they may get more. Another time another of them might need a boost. Good gosh, I never kept track, didn't know I was suppose too (honestly, it just never crossed my mind) and I never got the impression they did..hope they still love me!

 

[Sammie]

Usually this bothers the parents more than the child, I know that was the case at my home growing up.

If it's not about the money as you said, and your son did get a gift, then just let it go.

If he had gotten nothing from them, then yes it deserved mentioning. But he did and if the money does not matter, look at it like this, both got a gift and your son should never feel money is an expression of his worth.

As you stated there seems to be an undercurrent of hurt going on and this is just another case.

I will say this, based on personal experience with my Grandparents, when they are gone from this earth it won't manner how much the gift was.

Also don't address this situation to Dr. Phi, you won't like what he would tell you, as I have seen it on his show.

 

[shortbun]

IMHO grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends and
others who try to teach loved children a lesson re thank you
notes with future withholding of gifts didn't deserve a thank
you note to begin with. Love is not conditional if it's sincere.
But hey, if ya want to be mean to a child who you love, go for it!

To the original poster: I'm amazed that your DS remembered what his sister got 6 years ago. I'm hard pressed to remember gifts to me more than a few years ago much less what someone else got 6 years ago.
I'm really sorry that your DS got caught here in the old age
and worry about money his grandparents are obviously feeling
even if it's without merit. Please tell your DS this isn't about him
at all - they are just getting old and old people get weird. Six
years is enough time for them to have lost lots of their retirement
money, especially if they had not moved their investments into
protected money a few years ago. These days old people are
being scared into thinking they may live to be really old and that
costs will be sky-high for medical care. I'm 50 and beginning to
think about those things, I bet grandma and grandpa are too.
So, again, this is about them-not him. They are obviously feeling
less flush and/or are very disorganized about gift giving.

good luck and congrats to your DS for graduating! I hope his
plans include futher education! He obviously has very loving
parents who will get him through the tough times ahead with
love and guidance.
mimi

 

[AirForceRocks]

IMHO grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends and others who try to teach loved children a lesson re thank you
notes with future withholding of gifts didn't deserve a thank
you note to begin with.

And I think that children that are so lazy and ungrateful as to not take 3 mintues to even send an e-mail to say thank you don't deserve a gift.

Love is not conditional if it's sincere.

Love is also not measured by how big the gifts are, so I don't see how withholding a gift means that the love isn't sincere.

 

[IMGONNABE40!]

As a high school graduate your son (and your daughter) are adults now. I would not say anything. It might be different if the kids were young, but as adults your kids are able to handle this--as demonstrated by your son's attitude.

 

[ScarlettO]

I'm sure this is not the case with your son - but I give my niece substantially more than my nephew because she writes me great thank you notes and keeps in touch and I have heard NOTHING from him in the past 5 years.

*************
This could be it.....the relationship that is perceived by the grandparent.

My favorite thank you note from my nephew who graduated from High Scool 2 years ago.....I never received a thank you, and when I got my bank statement , I turned the check over.


He had signed the check and then had written "Thank you for the check" on the back!!