I am having a Grandparent/inlaw problem

[jipsy]

When a gift is given with expectations, the giver is looking for some sort of power. The gift is a means to an end and the end is for you, not for the one who receives the gift. You give it with strings attached. If you do not know your intentions when you give the gift, you will know them after you share, because you will become disappointed, angry, or in other ways upset if your gift is thrown away or not acknowledged. Reactions such as these tell you that you had a hidden agenda. The gift might be quite important to the receiver, yet if they do not react as you think they should (i.e. writing a thank you note, calling, etc.) then you will know that the recognition or appreciation you should have received was your hidden objective. If it was not, you would not feel disappointed, resentful, angry or displeased with the person you gave the gift to. This pain is not caused by the response to your gift, but rather by a part of your personality which seeks love by doing favors, providing help and giving gifts. This part of your personality becomes upset when it does not get these things and you feel unappreciated and unloved.

From the dictionary:

gift ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gft)
n.
Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
The act, right, or power of giving.
A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination.

To give a gift and expect a thank you note, not get one and withhold further gifts for this reason, means that you did not give a gift in the first place. You gave a present with expectations.

A gift is something you give because you want to do something for this person. If you attach strings, it takes away the true meaning of the gift.

I don't think the wise men expected a hand written thank you note from Baby Jesus or his parents. They gave because they wanted to. Then they disappeared.

 

[WDSearcher]

The OP keeps saying that it's not about the money, but clearly it is, because that's the gauge of how the son is measuring the love of the grandparents. The mere fact that everyone remembers that the daughter got $100.00 on HER graduation shows that they (son or parents) were expecting that much this time around too. And so, when a card came with a check, instead of feeling pleased that his grandparents remembered him, he's now disappointed and upset because he was "slighted." And then there's the whole thing about how the GP came to DD's graduation and didn't come to DS's.

I was the second child of three. I got more from my grandparents and relatives on one side of the family than my older sibling did because I had a closer relationship with them. It wasn't about thank you notes or appreciation -- we shared common interests and had the same sense of humor, etc. My sibling had a better relationship with some aunts and uncles on the other side, and benefitted accordingly. When our younger sister was born, she was the apple of everyone's eye, and the other two of us suffered accordingly! I guess the thing was that we never took it personally. We figured that in the big scheme of things, it would all even out. And even if it didn't, was it worth the $80 (in this case) to confront the grandparents and have them think that the only thing we were looking at was the amount on the check?

I think your son had it right -- leave it alone. And, IMO, it's too bad you chose to make an issue of it and bring it up with them against your son's wishes. Because now you run the risk of the GPs feeling as though the only benefit they have in the lives of your children is how much they leave them in the will. I understand your son's disappointment, but not always getting what we think we'll get is one of those things you learn as you grow up. If he wanted to know if he offended them, that was a question for him to ask, not you or your husband. JMO.

 

[ChristmasElf]

This issue has long been an on going battle in our family for years.
DH is one of 5 children, his sisters 3 kids are constantly getting all kinds of "rewards" from the Grandparents while ours get zip.

When our first child was 2 his cousin got a brand new swingset for the yard. (the cousin was 14 mos at the time) We were visiting from out of state and it looked to us that was the reason the swingset had to be bought and installed then so we could see the "reward" that was given to the grandchild that lived close by.

Later on DHs folks go out and buy this kid a motor boat! They also bought him his first car and then another when he totaled the first one.

Last year, our oldest graduated high school. His Grandparents say "We will take you out to dinner tomorrow" Next day comes and goes with not so much as a phone call to explain what was going on. (never did have that dinner)

Last Christmas, all of our children received socks for Christmas. That was all. Socks. Our second oldest wanted to know what they have done wrong? It infuriated me as well as DH. (I think I was more mad at myself for running all over town to get just the right thing for them, wrapped it up all holidayee fancy and mailed it several days before Christmas) Never again.

In January, we hear all the other grandkids got checks for $250 each!

I got tired of our kids always getting slighted, so I called them and casually mentioned that we would not be exchanging gifts for the holidays any longer. On birthdays, we are no longer around.

If any lesson was learned for us it was to know how to treat our future grandchildren. All equal, so no one feels bad.
some people just make me sick.

 

[Skywalker]

Frankly, I am stunned at a few things. I am stunned that the first words out of your son's mouth were - hey, sis got $100 six years ago; I am stunned that you are making such a big issue out of it; I am stunned that your husband decided to mention to this to them. I think it would have been better if you had actually corrected your son at the time, and pointed out to him that he was being really ungrateful and he should be surprised and delighted when he receives any gift. Gifts should not be "expected". If I ever gave someone a present that I was later informed was "not enough" they would never receive another present from me.

 

[bananiem]

Originally posted by Chris2597
We got a newsy email back from them with an ending sentence....of .....we did what we could.....Bull.....

I guess I wonder how you have access to their bank statements. How do you know if it was what they could afford at the time or not?
My parents are in their mid-80's. In the last 5 years their Medicare payments have increased 4x and they are both on many prescriptions that cost well over $150 a month. I believe they "lost" money in the stock market in 2001.
Perhaps these grandparents are in the same boat as mine? Just a thought...

 

[inaminute]

I, too, am completely stunned that this is even an issue.

We always taught our kids that the dollar value of a gift didn't matter--the important thing was that the giver remembered and honored them with a gift.

It never crossed my mind that someone would equate the value of my gifts with how deep my feelings for them might be.

I guess I've learned an important lesson when it comes to gift giving: Never give money or gift certificates oranything where an actual dollar value might be discovered. I certainly wouldn't want my grandkids thinking I didn't love them based on how much money they receive from me. Or, that other people love them more because they give more money.

 

[hentob]

If my son opened a card from a grandparent (or anyone) and said "Hey, so and so got this much and I only got this much", I would make him give the money to charity. I would not let him keep it. He does not deserve it. What a snotty thing to say


A gift is just that, a gift. I felt embarrassed reading your post I can't believe how many people agreed with you to tell the grandparents that they didn't give your son the same as your daughter. Maybe their oil bill was higher this month? Maybe their TV need to be repaired. Maybe they wanted to throw money out the window? Doesn't matter. It is theirs to do with what they want.

I can't believe that people out there teach their children that they _deserve_ a certain amount of money when it comes to a gift. This is going to be one sad generation

 

[jkovick]

Originally posted by IMGONNABE40!
As a high school graduate your son (and your daughter) are adults now. I would not say anything. It might be different if the kids were young, but as adults your kids are able to handle this--as demonstrated by your son's attitude.

 

[Maleficent13]

Ordinarily, I would agree that a gift is a gift, and one should not judge sentiment on how large a gift that is. However, it seems to me that people know their loved ones pretty well. If the OP felt a slight when she saw the gift, then a slight was probably not entirely unintentional. I'm not saying it was entirely intentional, but where there is smoke there is usually fire.

The poster who talked about the computer and the motor boat: Yes, there was a large cash disparity in the gifts, but you bought what you thought your GKs would love, and you were right. Less importance on the amount and more on the appropriateness, regardless of cash.

But when you have two grandkids, both 10, and one grandkid gets an oxford shirt for their birthday and the other a bicycle, you can't tell me there wasn't some disparity intended (used personal example). And it isn't about the money for the kid...believe me...it's about "why doesn't grandma/grandpa like me?".

JMHO.

 

[phamton]

I'm still trying to grasp the fact that your son remembered what his sister got. If it was 6 years ago, then he was around 12 years old when his sister graduated. I know my twins never knew what gifts my oldest daughter got for graduation and they were only 3 years younger.

I have a similar experience though. When I graduated from high school, my aunt paid for me to fly to San Diego and spend 2 weeks with her. It was a great trip with trips to Disneyland, the SD Zoo, Sea World, and the beach. Two years later, my sister graduated from high school. My aunt's marriage was rocky at that time. (They got a divorce a few months later.) So my aunt didn't invite my sister to visit. She did send her some money but not nearly as much as the trip would have cost. My sister was a little disappointed as she was hoping for a trip also but never felt that my aunt didn't like her as much. Situations change.

 

[AirForceRocks]

Originally posted by jipsy

From the dictionary:

gift ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gft)
n.
Something that is bestowed voluntarily and without compensation.
The act, right, or power of giving.
A talent, endowment, aptitude, or inclination.


To give a gift and expect a thank you note, not get one and withhold further gifts for this reason, means that you did not give a gift in the first place. You gave a present with expectations.

A gift is something you give because you want to do something for this person. If you attach strings, it takes away the true meaning of the gift.

I personally don't consider a phone call, an e-mail or thank you note to be compensation, nor do I consider it to be attaching strings, but maybe that's just me.

 

[arminnie]

Originally posted by shortbun
IMHO grandparents, aunts and uncles, family friends and
others who try to teach loved children a lesson re thank you
notes with future withholding of gifts didn't deserve a thank
you note to begin with. Love is not conditional if it's sincere.
But hey, if ya want to be mean to a child who you love, go for it!

I wouldn't withhold gifts from an 8 year old but a 22 year old is another story.

It's pretty interesting in this thread to hear from the people who don't think it's "fair" to expect thank you notes or a phone call or email. To turn it around - if you love someone why should you need to send a gift to prove it - love is not conditional on sending gifts.

I guess those are the parents who aren't teaching their children the importance of thank you notes in the world - yes even in business it can mean the difference in getting a job or not if you write a thank you note to the interviewer.

That's where a lot of the whiney, greedy kids are coming from. Fortunately those kind of kids are a VERY SMALL minority of the young people out there.

(I do not consider the OP's child to be whiney or greedy).

 

[WDSearcher]

Originally posted by inaminute
I guess I've learned an important lesson when it comes to gift giving: Never give money or gift certificates oranything where an actual dollar value might be discovered. I certainly wouldn't want my grandkids thinking I didn't love them based on how much money they receive from me. Or, that other people love them more because they give more money.

I wouldn't let one bulletin board conversation change the way you intend to give gifts in the future. That's attaching way too much importance to all the musings here!

Don't set your own personal compass by how other people -- people you've never even met -- perceive things. Your grandkids aren't going to base how much you love them on monetary value unless someone teaches them that. The thing to do is to make sure that they know there's love there, with or without the gifts, cash or material represenations.

 

[Pooh Girl 71]

If there is any bit of sibling rivalry/jealousy then I can beleive the OP's son knows just how much his sister received for graduation.

I don't think its about the money but the feelings tied into it. Some people are show their love with money. The grandparents sound like that. So I can imagine an $80 difference in gifts would make one question how much they are loved and what they did to make grandma and grandpa upset.

 

[kilee]

This is my grandparents to a "T". They took my younger sister to Disney-- for her graduation they gave her $100 (me $50). For our weddings they gave me $50.00 but my sister $200-- they were only 10 months apart!!! They have always done that. Why-- I really don't know. As I spend waaaaayyyyy more time w/ them. It doesn't seem to matter though-- just the way they are.

 

[inaminute]

Don't set your own personal compass by how other people -- people you've never even met -- perceive things. Your grandkids aren't going to base how much you love them on monetary value unless someone teaches them that. The thing to do is to make sure that they know there's love there, with or without the gifts, cash or material represenations.

LOL! I'm old enough so set in my ways that it would take a lot more than a few posts on a message board to change my values and beliefs. I was trying to make a point about what I perceive as simple greed.

I know my grandchildren won't base how much I love them on the amount of money we give--their fathers were taught better, and I'm pretty sure their mothers were, too! Our family knows there are many more important ways to express our love than the almighty dollar.

And, just in case their parents "forget" to teach them what gift-giving should be, I have no problem in teaching my grandchildren my beliefs on the subject.

 

[DMRick]

But when you have two grandkids, both 10, and one grandkid gets an oxford shirt for their birthday and the other a bicycle,

But that wasn't the case in the OP's post either. Perhaps the grandparents felt the girl needed it more than the boy at the time..perhaps they could better afford it at that time..perhaps they just didn't remember what they gave before.
I personally think it's rude to make any remark on the size of the gift, let alone tell the gift giver they "shorted" the boy. Much more important they cared enough to remember the graduation with a card, and how nice they included a gift. When my dad's memory started to go (and he ended up with alziemers), he sometimes didn't even remember one of my kids names, let alone what he might have given another child for a gift. We didn't know it was because of memory loss..but it didn't matter, no amount was ever expected and all was appreciated.
While I would never give a grandchild socks, and another something "good" (unless they wanted those $35 sock from Ambercombe) I do think it's not that big of a deal to give $20 to one and $100 to another. Perhaps too much was made way back when daughter got the $100.
The grandparents prob feel really bad now, and what a loss that could be to the son, if they back away. I feel bad for them..I'm sure they feel very small right now. Kid wanted to let it drop..it should have been dropped.

 

[4nana]

Always very interesting to see the different opinions. As for me and mine ~ we try to treat our 10 grandchildren equally, be it gifts, trips, movies, visits, money or time, etc.
Love them all the same!

Congratulations to your son!

Sandie

 

[Chris2597]

Thank you to all who posted their feelings, opinions and personal stories. I am sorry I havent posted for a couple of days but my computer decided to take a dive....finally got it up and running tonight.... After giving this whole gift giving situation a week to sink in....I have gained some insight into why I reacted to the gift in the way that I did.... First I would like to answer a ?? from a couple of the posters about why a then 12 year old would remember what his sis got years ago....Well...the grandparents made such a big deal over giving his sis 100 that EVERYONE knew about it...They made this big deal to everyone right before her grad party about giving her gift to her privately.....of course everyone thought....my goodness what could it be....Another poster asked if I had access to their bank accounts.....no I dont.....but these two srs...are in very good financial shape.....Another poster said that it was clearly a money issue.....It REALY isnt.....I am just so sick of them playing the GK like this...Kids do talk and share what they get, but alot of times the grandparents are the ones that tell what they did (only when it is big)....and it is only human nature for kids....even the grown ones to feel badly when one sib in the family is clearly favored....I think all of the hurts from childhood surface......When our oldest was born....they bought her stroller (back in 76 it was 43.00....again I remember because it was a big deal to them to spend so much....)...We were thrilled, a few years later when their daughter had a child they boasted that they bought her a 600.00 crib.....When the kids were small my sis in law (one of my best friends) would send them a Toys R Us ad, circle the wanted Christmas/bday gifts and her kids would get them.....my kids would get plastic squirt guns and hair clips from the dollar store.....My kids are the only gk's that send thank you notes, emails, phone calls and occasional letters.....I have to say they have gotten more into the Christmas spirit in the last few years....
Now as to why I reacted the way I did....I think it basically brought back into focus old hurts and slights.....I think we had a purely gut reaction.....In retrospect....I wish we would have said nothing. My response in the past has been momentary annoyance at some of the slights.....and then just brush it off and forget it....
So.....my advise to others that find themselves in a similiar situation.... is.....take a deep breath when something like this happens, give it a day or two to sink in and then go with what you feel....more than likely you will decide to just let it go....I really dont know what the gain would have been....I would not have agreed to them sending additional $$ to ds....I would have said no way.....I think some advise I heard years ago will be my manta with them....dont expect anything...that way you will never be disappointed....

 

[shortbun]

Hi! Just for the record: I don't think your DS is bad or weird
or whiney for remembering what his sister got and bringing it up to you. It's great that he feels safe talking to you about these
things at his age and I'm glad you are there for him to help
the hurt that it must have caused. I just thought it was wild
that he could remember from when he was so much younger.
You've explained that well though, your original post didn't
include any of the information about the grandparents calling
attention to their own gift giving. I don't think you are wrong
for talking to the grandparents about it since this has been their
pattern(bragging) in the past. I think my original post was
somewhat harsh towards you and I apologize for that. You did
good Mom!

I stand by my statement about thank you notes. DS writes them
and so do I but I would NEVER judge a loved one because they
didn't. My gift giving is just that-giving. I expect nothing in return;
I give from the heart. My favorite slogan to live by is: One's
expectations could easily become their dissapointments.
I try really hard to keep things real and know what things are
about me and not about others or visa versa. I hope your DS
knows this graduation gift thing is about them and NOT about him.