Hypothetical texting scenario between 2 married people

[nmmom95]

Clean the toilet with his toothbrush.

 

[RadioNate]

UGH - sorry to read the update. OP if you are feeling this way, that sick feeling, you are likely "right." I know you don't want to be.

Be prepared to hear all sorts of justifications as to how this is nothing or your fault. It's not. He knows his behavior is wrong. He was be SHOCKED and APPALLED that you would even think such a thing. Be prepared to be painted as "crazy."

You aren't. Not at all. His behavior is NOT ok.

Even if there is no actually cheating happening, I would suggest the surviving infidelity website. You don't need to get all involved with the drama there but read the FAQs on "cheater's handbook" and gaslighting.

For me, I believed my (now ex) husband's denials and lies for too long. Hopefully, for you, this will be the 180 your marriage needs. I wouldn't blow this off. It is time to have some serious conversations, get some help and make some changes.

 

[disykat]

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

As a sudden change (it was aparently previously not on silent) coupled with furtive behavior and stopping texting when you enter the room, it IS a big deal.

No one said a general rule of phone on silent was evil.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

Wow really? We're taking about the OP here. It certainly is suspicious when they go from not silencing their phone, to silencing it and not answering texts in the presence of their spouse.

 

[sam_gordon]

You took the words right outta my mouth. Couldn't have said it any better. The word date, to a man, definitely means more than just an innocent coffee etc. And those texts are definitely very suspicious. Im also surprised at those who thought otherwise. Trust your gut OP.

Please don't speak for all men... even if you are one (I honestly don't know).

OP, the information about meeting in the gym causes slightly more suspicion, but still wasn't enough for me to convict, probably not even enough to prosecute. The follow up information though (conversation with mom, hiding text usage) to me is enough. Good luck.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Clean the toilet with his toothbrush.

LMAO! this really made me laugh.

Its a good start i think. Lol!

 

[goofyintoronto]

Please don't speak for all men... even if you are one (I honestly don't know).

OP, the information about meeting in the gym causes slightly more suspicion, but still wasn't enough for me to convict, probably not even enough to prosecute. The follow up information though (conversation with mom, hiding text usage) to me is enough. Good luck.

Sorry your right. I was typing quickly while watching a movie. Lol. Im not speaking for all men. Definitely not.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I think you should definitely get to the bottom of it tonight.

The gym I go to is a freakin' meat market. There are hook ups all the time. I know many people who have been in relationships from people they meet at the gym. I guess it is a safe place for people to meet with common interests. Plus, people are half naked there anyway.

 

[YankeePrincess]

If my husband texted someone like that, he would be out the door in about 2 seconds, after I, of course, smashed his cell phone.

 

[VeganCupcake]

Thanks for the support everyone. It felt weird putting the whole situation on this board at first but I feel better that I let it out to someone! I haven't said anything to him yet because I know right now I can't be rational about it. I want to take my earrings out and just pummel his stupid face to be honest. So I am going to wait until I have my thoughts collected and I can say something rationally and calmly. Everyone's hugs have made me feel not so alone right now. Thanks

 

[DVCJones]

My professional opinion as a husband that hates cheaters: Rip his ***** off and feed them to him.

I like this!!!

Like I said earlier. 'Where there's smoke there's fire.'

I'm so sorry OP. Trust your gut here. Women truly have a sixth sense for this type of thing. But, our heart makes us question what the head already knows.

Stay strong. Confront. Expect to made to feel crazy (you're not). Expect to be lied to. Lean on your friends and family. I have helped pull many o friend and family member through this scenario. I sometimes swear there is a script.

Hugs!

 

[Handbag Lady]

Thanks for the support everyone. It felt weird putting the whole situation on this board at first but I feel better that I let it out to someone! I haven't said anything to him yet because I know right now I can't be rational about it. I want to take my earrings out and just pummel his stupid face to be honest. So I am going to wait until I have my thoughts collected and I can say something rationally and calmly. Everyone's hugs have made me feel not so alone right now. Thanks

It will be so hard to not return to the anger and hurt when you talk to him. If he is up to something, he will deny and deny and then turn it around on you. Be prepared.

 

[Mermaid02]

I can totally relate OP. Recently found something similar and I'm still upset whenever I think about it.

 

[sam_gordon]

Just looking at the "optimist" side... its possible what he meant as "harmless fliting" was taken too far by this woman. Remember, you cant read inflection in the text.

My suggestion... "Honey, did you ever set up your date with xxxx.?" Play innocent, you happened to see the text while using his phone. Watch his facial expression.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I'd have a lot of emotions over this. Trust is so important without it, what have you got?

I'm sure you have lots of questions. I would wonder if there were more women calling/texting if your husband is turning off the sound of the phone at home and quits texting when you enter a room. The conversation you had about the gym and questions about your husband from other women there because of his behavior, stinks. I'd be fuming just like you.

I wonder how you could get the maximum amount of information from him without revealing too much of what you know. In other words, how much would he tell you on his own not knowing what you know. I'd want to get his version of things before I told him what I knew. Maybe just ask him, "Do you know "X"? Do you consider her a friend? Does she ever contact you?" If he asks why, I'd say something like, "Just wondering. I've seen her a few times when I've gone to my family's house." I don't know. But I'd do something along those lines.

ETA- It's a "chance" it's innocent. Not too much of a chance to me. But if he denies even knowing her, that would say a lot -- to me anyway.

Good luck with this.

 

[goofyintoronto]

Just looking at the "optimist" side... its possible what he meant as "harmless fliting" was taken too far by this woman. Remember, you cant read inflection in the text.

My suggestion... "Honey, did you ever set up your date with xxxx.?" Play innocent, you happened to see the text while using his phone. Watch his facial expression.

This is so true. And I love your way of thinking! Its perfect! That's how i would start. Definitely watch his reaction when you say this.

 

[Robbi]

Thanks for the support everyone. It felt weird putting the whole situation on this board at first but I feel better that I let it out to someone! I haven't said anything to him yet because I know right now I can't be rational about it. I want to take my earrings out and just pummel his stupid face to be honest. So I am going to wait until I have my thoughts collected and I can say something rationally and calmly. Everyone's hugs have made me feel not so alone right now. Thanks

Here's another
Hope everything goes well.

 

[StephMK]

I'd have a lot of emotions over this. Trust is so important without it, what have you got?

I'm sure you have lots of questions. I would wonder if there were more women calling/texting if your husband is turning off the sound of the phone at home and quits texting when you enter a room. The conversation you had about the gym and questions about your husband from other women there because of his behavior, stinks. I'd be fuming just like you.

I wonder how you could get the maximum amount of information from him without revealing too much of what you know. In other words, how much would he tell you on his own not knowing what you know. I'd want to get his version of things before I told him what I knew. Maybe just ask him, "Do you know "X"? Do you consider her a friend? Does she ever contact you?" If he asks why, I'd say something like, "Just wondering. I've seen her a few times when I've gone to my family's house." I don't know. But I'd do something along those lines.

ETA- It's a "chance" it's innocent. Not too much of a chance to me. But if he denies even knowing her, that would say a lot -- to me anyway.

Good luck with this.

Personally, I can't imagine a situation that would make his behavior innocent but I agree, I'd try to get as much info as I could without tipping my hand just yet. Maybe topics such as you're interested in joining the gym too, has he met x, you met her at your dad's house, or different ways to feel out his impressions of the gym and people he knows there.

Good luck, I know it's not easy to keep the frying pan in the cabinet at this point.

 

[Buckalew11]

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

Are you still just trying to "look on the bright side" here or would you really buy into this if you were the OP?If you really believe there is a chance for all this, you would never figure out that your own DH was cheating on you. It would definitely be a case of "the wife is always the last to know."

I like this!!!

Like I said earlier. 'Where there's smoke there's fire.'

I'm so sorry OP. Trust your gut here. Women truly have a sixth sense for this type of thing. But, our heart makes us question what the head already knows.

Stay strong. Confront. Expect to made to feel crazy (you're not). Expect to be lied to. Lean on your friends and family. I have helped pull many o friend and family member through this scenario. I sometimes swear there is a script.

Hugs!

And I've been a hairdresser for almost 30 years and I have heard the same type of stories over and over and over again...I believe there IS a script.

OP, I am very, very sorry. I would not give my sources away.
when my BIL was cheating, we could check the girl's FB and everything coincided with what was going on. But when they had depositions the (stupid ) lawyer mentioned that to him. That night the girl deactivated her FB. DSis hired a PI and he was followed for 1 year!!! However, the PI said that in normal cases, when he is hired, he has all he needs in 48 hours!! 48 hours! DSis's H was fooling around with a 15yo so that changed a lot in how the PI handled the whole miserable mess.

I am sooo sorry you may be going through this type of situation. It was horrible for our family so I know what it is like all too well.

I, too, am surprised that that text did not raise more eyebrows here. That text is, at the least, a symptom of a breakdown in a solid marriage IMO.

 

[Nancyg56]

I know many many people who keep there phone on silent I don't see this as evil??

On it's own a silent phone means nothing. When coupled with the rest of the behavior it is a huge red flag. Could this guy be as innocent as the driven snow? Sure. But honestly, in my home there would be one heck of a conversation.

I trust my husband and he trusts me. Neither one of us bothers with wedding rings and I have no issues with that either. But I can tell you that if my DH was getting texts from a woman who wanted a date and if I found out he was a hound dog at a gym and never revealed he was married the last thing he would need to worry about was his cell phone. He knows that if any other woman could entice him away from me she can have him. I would even pack his bags. No second chances. The disrespect alone is unforgivable in my opinion.

OP- I have no advice for you because I think that everyone has a line and that is personal. I agree that it is best to wait until you calm down before talking to your husband and then decide what you want to do.