Hyphenated Last Names and Addressing Envelopes

[shortbun]

Well I would disagree with your wife. Stating "The Smith Family",when Smith is the head-of-household name, indicates one family. And includes everyone living in that household.

And even a married woman who doesn't take her husbands name can still be referred to as "Mrs. John Smith" because she is Mrs. John Smith. "Mrs Jane Smith" would be incorrect however.

wrong. wrong. wrongo baby! She could be referred to as Susie Salmon Butt but that's not her name either. She IS who she says she is and no one else. If you insist on calling her the wrong name, that's about you and nothing more. BTW, there is no 'head of household' in our family altholugh my husband would laugh and tell you I was. Why do people get so hung up on this name thing. It's the patriarchal religion thing, right? phooey!

 

[rparmfamily]

I am Mrs mylastname-hislastname but I have zero problem with being called Mrs hislastname. I am his wife after all. Of all the things to worry about in this world, this is not one of them to me.

I kept my last name because that is who I am.

 

[SydSim]

I am not Mrs. John Doe.

I feel exactly the same way.

As to answer your question OP, I prefer:

Mr. John and Mrs. Jane Smith-Doe

JMHO

 

[SydSim]

a question for those who do keep their own last name?


why? and is it your mother's last name or your father's?

My mother's and her mother's.

I kept my last name and added DH's because the two of us married each other and formed a new family unit. I didn't just marry into his family. DD has both of our last names - since she is a product of both of us.

 

[SadieDog]

Thanks for all of the responses - I think I've been doing things correctly. If I am addressing it to the entire family is it okay to use "The Jones-Smith Family" or is it better to use "Ms. Mary Jones and Mr. John Smith and Family"?
Thanks again!

I think it is appropiate. Actually, I like when family mail is addressed this way.

 

[SadieDog]

My mother's and her mother's.

I kept my last name and added DH's because the two of us married each other and formed a new family unit. I didn't just marry into his family. DD has both of our last names - since she is a product of both of us.

My kids have both our last names too.

 

[salmoneous]

Well I would disagree with your wife. Stating "The Smith Family",when Smith is the head-of-household name, indicates one family. And includes everyone living in that household.

So Smith is the head-of-household, because he is the man? So I'm the head of my household? Cool. Can't wait to go explain that to DW.

 

[KelNottAt]

I kept my maiden name. So, this is the way we like to see envelopes addressed:

Mr. John Doe
Ms. or Miss Mary Smith

You can put the wife's first if you want. Either way, you can't go wrong.

Thought I'd seen everything, but this is new. If I came across an envelope like that I would be surprised to find out the couple is married. The use of separate lines and the title of "Miss" would lead me to think you're roommates, or something like that.

This is not meant as a criticism, just an eye-opening "I learn something new everyday" comment.

Just curious... How often do you receive mail addressed the way you like it?

 

[Pigeon]

As somebody with a maiden last name and a married last name that have constantly been misspelled I just dont get this.
"Oh wow look - there's mail for Julie Callahan-Greenwalt again! Too bad I don't know anybody with that name."
When it all comes down to it isn't it just an envelope that ends up in the trash anyhow? What's the point of trying to prove your rightness to each other - seems kind of silly.

If it were a random envelope from someone I don't know, that's fine. If it is an envelope from a family member, who knows that I kept my name but wants to pretend otherwise, that's a different story. MIL wouldn't like it if I made up a name for her (OK, on occasion I've made up a few choice ones, but I've kept them to myself. ). Her deliberate "mistake" was her passive agressive way of trying to make me change my name to make her happy. Not gonna happen in my lifetime.

As for the argument that it's a woman's father's name, so she shouldn't care about it, that's not the point. It's MY name. It's the name I was born with. I didn't become chattel when I got married, nor did I morph into someone else. I'm my husband's partner, not his property.

 

[LuvDuke]

Thought I'd seen everything, but this is new. If I came across an envelope like that I would be surprised to find out the couple is married. The use of separate lines and the title of "Miss" would lead me to think you're roommates, or something like that.

It's got that "nudge-nudge/wink-wink" feel to it. We like to think it keeps the romance alive.

This is not meant as a criticism, just an eye-opening "I learn something new everyday" comment.

What's really funny is that many ethnic women (Italian, Hispanic, etc) continue to use their maiden names. Just as an aside, one of the reasons why so many Italians have a problem finding Nana's name on the Ellis Island lists is because Nana used her maiden name.

Just curious... How often do you receive mail addressed the way you like it?

All the time. It has never really been a problem.

 

[Val]

I kept my last name because I am in academics and published under my maiden name before I was married BUT I want my kids to know that I am part of the "family" and have the same last name they do, too! Thus- at work hyphenating was the only way to go.

When I leave the lab I am just Mrs. DHlastname at the kid's school. I suppose I could make a stink about titles, and demand to be called Dr. or Prof, but after so many years I don't mind- just don't call me ma'm and ask me if I am eligible for the senior discount!

I only get upset about "mis-addressing" when 1) my husband is addressed by his title and I am called Mrs. (hey- I worked for that doctorate too!), and 2) my students call my male colleagues Dr. or Prof and they call me Mrs. Soandso. (and we won't go back to my MIL- she is, was and will be nuts!)

I could care less how the envelope is addressed (except for #1 above). In all honesty, I am much more interested in GETTING mail that isn't a bill. I want to hear about who is graduating and get invited somewhere....I would prefer an invite with 'incorrect' addressing than to be forgotten anytime!

 

[Beth76]

wrong. wrong. wrongo baby! She could be referred to as Susie Salmon Butt but that's not her name either. She IS who she says she is and no one else. If you insist on calling her the wrong name, that's about you and nothing more.

No I am not wrong sweetheart. I just received a wedding invitation addressed to "Mr and Mrs John Smith". That does not make my name John Smith, but it makes me married to him. It has nothing to do with whether I took his last name or not. So it goes for all married couples. The wife is to be properly referred to as "Mrs *her husband's full name*". As I said before "Mrs Jane Smith" would be incorrect, if she didn't take her husband's name. But "Mrs John Smith" is indeed proper. Whether you like it or not. I don't like it either, but I tolerate for wedding invitations and such because it's formal and it's proper.

So Smith is the head-of-household, because he is the man? So I'm the head of my household? Cool. Can't wait to go explain that to DW.

I already explained that.

 

[goofygirl]

I think we have a new topic to add to the "list of topics people get heated about"!

 

[NMAmy]

I think we have a new topic to add to the "list of topics people get heated about"!

No kidding! The OP probably thought it was pretty innocent--just wanted to know how to address an envelope and look at all the hoopla.

 

[LuvDuke]

No I am not wrong sweetheart. I just received a wedding invitation addressed to "Mr and Mrs John Smith". That does not make my name John Smith, but it makes me married to him. It has nothing to do with whether I took his last name or not. So it goes for all married couples. The wife is to be properly referred to as "Mrs *her husband's full name*". As I said before "Mrs Jane Smith" would be incorrect, if she didn't take her husband's name. But "Mrs John Smith" is indeed proper. Whether you like it or not. I don't like it either, but I tolerate for wedding invitations and such because it's formal and it's proper.



I already explained that.

Just call people what they want to be called and leave it at that.

Good grief, this isn't rocket science.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Thanks for all of the responses - I think I've been doing things correctly. If I am addressing it to the entire family is it okay to use "The Jones-Smith Family" or is it better to use "Ms. Mary Jones and Mr. John Smith and Family"?

I've often wondered what happens when 2 people with their own hyphenated names get married - Simba's Mom - I'm glad you mentioned this!

I guess I'm just old-fashioned. I took DH's last name and never gave it a second thought. I don't mind being "Mrs. Bearvet". I also feel that it helps define our family unit - when Mary Jones sends in her PTA volunteer form and her name doesn't match up with any of the students' last names it's hard to know whose mom she is.
That being said, I do respect the reasons people have for keeping their own names or hyphenating and I think it's important to address things correctly. DH's own mother often put "Mr. and Mrs. Bearvet" instead of "Dr. and Mrs. Bearvet" on envelopes. DH worked hard for that degree and should be addressed as such!

Thanks again!

This is why I have a hyphenated last name...DS had my maiden name and DH wanted me to take his. I wanted my own personally. Now DS has both our names because he didn't want to give up the name he was born with and wanted DH name when he was adopted also.

I guess I still don't get what it is about women keeping their name.....simply because most of the time it is their father's name in the first place.

It is the name I was born with and have had for a long time.

 

[offwegotoneverland]

My cousin kept her last name. Every year when I send Christmas cards I struggle with it. She's my cousin & I know she doesn't care, but still...

I address it to "The Smith Family". (husband's last name) Before they had kids I addressed it to Mr. & Mrs. John Smith. Is this offensive to those of you who kept your maiden name?

Well...not from people that aren't my family. But I'd be pretty surprised to have a relative not know my name.

Thanks for all of the responses - I think I've been doing things correctly. If I am addressing it to the entire family is it okay to use "The Jones-Smith Family" or is it better to use "Ms. Mary Jones and Mr. John Smith and Family"?

I've often wondered what happens when 2 people with their own hyphenated names get married - Simba's Mom - I'm glad you mentioned this!

I guess I'm just old-fashioned. I took DH's last name and never gave it a second thought. I don't mind being "Mrs. Bearvet". I also feel that it helps define our family unit - when Mary Jones sends in her PTA volunteer form and her name doesn't match up with any of the students' last names it's hard to know whose mom she is.

That being said, I do respect the reasons people have for keeping their own names or hyphenating and I think it's important to address things correctly. DH's own mother often put "Mr. and Mrs. Bearvet" instead of "Dr. and Mrs. Bearvet" on envelopes. DH worked hard for that degree and should be addressed as such!

Thanks again!

I didn't take DH's last name but did the hyphen thing, however we also hyphenated DS's last name. I'm fairly sure that the school's ok with it.

 

[salmoneous]

I don't like it either, but I tolerate for wedding invitations and such because it's formal and it's proper.

What is formal and proper changes over time. Etiquette changes over time. I would be shocked if there is an etiquette manual published this century that suggests using "Mrs. John Smith" to address a women who doesn't use that as her name.

While it may be technically correct to address a formal invitation to John and John's wife, it is more proper these days to refer to a women by her name, rather than as the wife of her husband. So, if Mrs. John Smith is being used as a name, fine. But otherwise, use her name.

 

[easleygrls]

I wish some UK DISers would comment. It seems to me , just from the times I watch BBC on cable, that there are alot more people over the pond that have hyphenated last names. Could be wrong

 

[pearlieq]

I wish some UK DISers would comment. It seems to me , just from the times I watch BBC on cable, that there are alot more people over the pond that have hyphenated last names. Could be wrong

I've noticed that too and wondered about it. It seems having two surnames or a hyphenated combo seem very common in the UK.