Husband Quit His Job

[PhotobearSam]

You need to talk to him and tell him how stressed you are. Tell him you married him because you love him and thought life would be better with him.

But make sure you tell him that no matter what you will not allow him to sit at home while you work. I know jobsa are hard to come by but he has to work. May it be fast food or gas station or anything. If he does not contribute, don't let him benefit.

You seem to be in charge, well BE IN CHARGE!!!

Not fun, He should never have put you in this situation...but he has. I'm not saying kick him out...Just make sure the consequences of his actions affect him...

Show him every bill. Make a budget and ask him how he is going to pay for each item...

Good luck.

P.S. My DH is very bad with money...I make all the bill paying decisions and he just asks what his cheque needs to pay and with what amount...but he knows how much the bills are. He is happy that I do it and thanks me all the time...You have to be strong.

 

[mudnuri]

It seems like everyone here has placed all of the blame for this situation on the DH....and while I'm not taking sides, I think everyone needs to realize, it's not all his fault.

she has enabled him to do this. by taking "care" of everything from the beginning, he has been allowed to just quit a job.

Now, I must say- that DH nor I would NEVER quit a job without discussing it with one another (well, he'd never quit, he always owns his own business LOL) but just the same this is not a decission that you make like going out and buying a new pair of shoes, without TALKING about it

Sounds to me, you both need help. You need to stop enabeling him to do this, and he needs to stop taking advantage of you. My vote, counseling. Separate, AND together

Brandy

 

[Jodi3530]

My DH was terrible with money but then I decided if he did not want to be responsible with it then I would make him. I took our bils added them up and divided by four weeks. Then I wrote out what needed paid each week and made a spread sheet to show him handed to him and showed him where the billes where and told him he was now solely responsible for them. Our payments were late that month but he also begged me to take over and had been good about it ever since. My dh was very concerned with his credit though so that helped.

Make sure he is aware of every bill that the two of you have how much you owe and what the monthly payment is. Let him know what needs to be paid weeekly. Even if you have a secret credit card let him know about it. He needs to know inorder to understand money and your families needs.

To me this is not just about money or his job but the lack of comminucation within your marriage. I agree seek help you can always go to a pastor they are there to help you. I know it is hard right now but when you married it was for better or worse and this too shall pass if you both agree to work on. Your marriage is worth the time!!!

Date night = bill night for awhile and even after he changes don't give him a chance to forget what he has learned.

Also he is home from work so he can take over the house work no job = house wife/husband.
But remember he is an adult and you need to sit down together and agree on the ground rules. Marriage is a partnership and your first steps are to make it that stop being the one to do all the dirty work.

Good luck with your marriage and finances!!!
Jodi

 

[pilgrimage]

There are a number of free services offered on money management by community colleges, churches, synagogues. You sound like a loving concerned person who has suffered a great deal.
Perhaps such a class and free counseling, again available at reduced cost from the local mental health/women's centers. Your future is too precious to risk to chance, or bankruptcy.

Good luck, my friend.

 

[canwegosoon]

We all have bad times, do you think this is permenant? Could it be depression? Perhaps you could speak with his doctor...stress is very difficult to deal with, and he may be under a lot of it (you have been married less than a year right?). I remember it was a very difficult period of adjustment...but later everything was fine.

 

[Fridye]

If you want to be closer to your family, why don't you move? His job isn't keeping you there. You'll be better able to cope with your situation if you have your friends and family available.

You mentioned you've been married less than a year. Is that correct? You're lucky you're seeing early on what you're going to have to deal with. If you don't want to deal with it, nobody says you have to. If you do want to deal with it, ask yourself this one question: What do I have to do to make sure I'm not sharing my pain on these discussion boards a year from now. I know you don't want to be like others who've suffered for years before they took assertive steps to make their lives better.

Good luck to you!

 

[Raggedy]

I was with my son's father for 14 years. I started dating him at the age of 14. I was with him for so long, i thought that was the way things should be. He never wanted to work. I worked for a jewerly company ( jostens) I had to work 10 hours a day, manditory. I also had to work on saturdays. I was lucky if he got a job once in a while. He was a good father , but very lazy. My job sent me away, to train another plant. I found out on that trip what life was. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I didn't have someone stuck to my hip. So when i came home. I left. It was the best decision i have ever made. I am not telling you to do this.
this was my story, you have your own. I know there are two sides to every story, and i also know we say things and blow them up. When we are real mad, i have said many things i wish i didn't say. Well let us know what happens. If you need a friend you can send me a note and i will get back to you.
Nancy

 

[Luv2Roam]

The marriage is not something you want to take lightly or throw away. But on the other hand it appears you will need to look out for yourself.
I really wish you all the best luck.
Agree there are two sides to every story. But I think many of us have seen this story retold many a time.
I think he is still mentally back in high school living with his parents. You are an adult.

You just need a heartfelt talk to let him know what the situation is and see where you both stand.
If he will not communicate or is not willing to go to counseling, then that is telling in itself. You can only do so much.

Unless he turns himself around, I am sorry to say you are probably just seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Whatever bad habits people have -- they get worse over the years.
We have been married 28 years. I consider we have a good marriage. But like everyone else we certainly have had our times. Everyone goes through them. Esp that first year. You are jockeying for roles that will last a lifetime.
When kids come along, I can also guess who will be the main caretaker.

Good luck. I hope it all works for you. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

 

[ducklite]

Originally posted by HenDuck
See if he will go to marriage and/or debt counseling with you. If he won't, the handwriting is on the wall.

Like other posters have said, you cannot change him. If he does not want to change, there's nothing you can do about HIM. You can, though, do something about YOURSELF.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best.

Excellent Advice!!!

Anne

 

[pearlieq]

The only thing I can think of to tell you right now is to be very, very cafeful with your family planning. Be sure you're using the best method available to you. This is no time for a "surprise". If you think this situation is complicated now, imagine what it would be like with a baby to think about!

Best of luck to you.

 

[bianca]

What is most surprising to me is the volume of women here who have all been "in the same boat" (myself included, 20 years ago). The only thing I can add to all the great advice here is what I have observed over the years and something I am sure you have heard before: "Basically, people do not change ...... what you see is what you get". If you like the current situation, stay. If not, go. It really is that simple if there are no other parties involved. Only you can change your destiny.

 

[sk!mom]

If you've been married less than a year and have no children then my advice is GET OUT now. If that is out of the question then accept that this is probably what your life is going to be like.
If you stay- insist on counseling.


BTW- If you've been married only a short time, how is he so clueless? Who paid the bills before you?

 

[Raggedy]

I always say, " you can hurt with him or you can hurt without him"
What i mean by this is that, you can hurt with him and the hurt will never go away, you can hurt without him and one day believe it or not it does go away. But that is your choice, and where are you? Let us know how you are doing?

 

[FayeW]

I am appalled at the number of posters advising this woman to end her marriage. They have been married for one year, do the words " Till death do we part" or " in good times or bad times" mean anything to anybody???

I think we can all agree the guy is a lazy, selfish, lout, but this didn't happen overnight, and deep down she probably knew that going in and married him anyway.

Dr.Phil says "You teach people how to treat you" so she has to stop being a doormat, and have a serious conversation about what she expects from him, and this marriage in terms of contributing financial, emotionally, and in the household responsibilities. I, too, know of what I speak. I am the chief cook and bottle washer around here, but it is my own fault. Now I say, "I need you to do ..." or "Here's what needs to be done, do you want to do this or that?" If I wait for somebody else to do it with out being asked, told, or directed, I'll be doing it myself.

Here is a big secret: Most men don't really ever grow up. Their effective age averages out to about 14 (hence the preoccupation with sex, sports, and cars!). You need to employ the same tactics with your husbands as you do with your children. AND, you have to let them think everything is their own idea.

 

[DiznEeyore]

Originally posted by FayeW
You need to employ the same tactics with your husbands as you do with your children. AND, you have to let them think everything is their own idea.

Holy cow!!!

Thank the good Lord my husband doesn't even resemble your description, or believe me, I wouldn't be married!! Marriage should be between equal partners; NOT a "mother" and her "child".

 

[Jodi3530]

I am appalled at the number of posters advising this woman to end her marriage. They have been married for one year, do the words " Till death do we part" or " in good times or bad times" mean anything to anybody???

Well said.

Has anyone ever thought about that the first year of marriage is hard. So many give up that year due to trying to figure out what each ones role is. Don't leave your husband this first year. No matter if you leave him and find another man or stick it out marriage is hard work. And if it was not so many people would not be changing spounses so often when times get tough.

And as far as people not changing sorry but I am not even close to being the person I was in my first year of marriage and neither is my husband. We have grown and strive to find better ways to make this marriage stronger. Till death do we part. It was our promise to each other.

 

[jkovick]

I know that you may feel that by taking care of all the things he "isn't good at" you were being a loving wife. But in taking care of everything, not making DH an equal partner and equally responsible, you may be crippling your relationship. Suddenly instead of equal partners you have an unequal parent- child relationship. That creates resentment on BOTH sides. If you truly want this marriage to work I think some good counseling is in order. Save your marriage now and years from now this will just have been "a rough spot". Good luck. Be strong. Work it out if you can.

 

[FayeW]

Originally posted by DiznEeyore
Holy cow!!!

Thank the good Lord my husband doesn't even resemble your description, or believe me, I wouldn't be married!! Marriage should be between equal partners; NOT a "mother" and her "child".

Thats why I qualified the statement with "Most Men" not ALL men! We have been married nearly 15 years, and in this day and age I consider that to be a success story. It is only in the last few years that I started opening my mouth and saying what I want done. I spent a lot of time being bitter and frustrated until I accepted that just because he SHOULD know what needs to be done, it doesn't mean he will do it. I am a control freak because I have to be, not because I want to be! My husband has many, many good qualities; being highly motivated in the finances/household reeponsiblities area just isn't one of them.

 

[crisi]

Has anyone ever thought about that the first year of marriage is hard. So many give up that year due to trying to figure out what each ones role is. Don't leave your husband this first year. No matter if you leave him and find another man or stick it out marriage is hard work. And if it was not so many people would not be changing spounses so often when times get tough.

My second marriage has been wonderfully easy. At times its been work, but its never been hard work and the work has always been enjoyable. The first year was one of the best of my life. We didn't have to figure out what our roles were, because each of us has the role of "partner." He is far from perfect, but he's a keeper.

 

[CarolA]

Here is a big secret: Most men don't really ever grow up. Their effective age averages out to about 14 (hence the preoccupation with sex, sports, and cars!). You need to employ the same tactics with your husbands as you do with your children. AND, you have to let them think everything is their own idea.

Well, this would NOT be my idea of a marriage. (I have no desire to marry a 14 year old) In my experience MOST men do grow up. Apparently yours did not, but.... you have more patience then I do. I have no desire to raise a husband! (Of course I also have no desire to raise children, so I don't have them LOL!)