How would you solve this? Peanut allergy problem.

[JoyG]

My twins are in the same school but different 1st grade classes. Twin A has a peanut allergy, Twin B does not. They eat lunch at the same time in the cafeteria. There is a peanut free table in the lunch room that Twin A sits at everyday.

Last year, there were several other boys his age that sat at the table. I also requested Twin B sit at the table with his brother to keep him company.

This year, the other peanut allergy boys have received permission from their parents to sit at the regular table, so now Twin A sits at lunch with one girl from 1st grade and one girl from K, no boys.

Twin B is begging me not to make him sit at the peanut table with his brother because he's enjoying his table with his friends.

I'm worried that Twin A is being socially isolated by eating lunch everyday with those two girls. I want his twin brother to keep him company...they'll be best friends the rest of their lives...but I don't want to turn them both into social outcasts.

I don't feel comfortable letting Twin A sit at the regular table next to someone eating peanut butter.

What would you do?

 

[Breezy_Carol]

I think twin B might resent being forced to leave his friends to sit with twin A so I might not force that. Can you encourage twin A to have one or two of his friends agree to sit with him?

I don't have twins so that makes it harder to answer. Maybe put soemthing in your title about parents of twins.

 

[ndelaware]

If it were my twins I would make them sit together. I have always taught our girls that family comes first.

 

[golfgal]

I have twins. I would not make one twin sit at the other table to keep the other company. It is a good time for them to form their own social circle. Your other twin has other people to sit with and does it really matter that they are girls? I think it is very important for kids to be friends with kids of the opposite sex. I also think that the peanut allergy is something he is just going to have to deal with and this is part of it.

 

[Hannathy]

I wouldn't force your other son to sit there. If they weren't twins would you even think about it. They need to be individuals also. He has 2 other kids sitting with him, think about it that way as kids not what gender they are. Has twin A even brought up a problem or are you making one where there isn't one?

Why do you just assume they will be best friends all there lives? just because they are twins doesn't guarantee it especially if one builds resentment toward the other. I know twins that aren't "best friends" as adults.

 

[tw1nsmom]

I wouldn't force the boys to sit together. While family is important, and twins have a special relationship, you have to also foster their independence. I know it's hard. DS has some social skills issues and it would be very easy for me to insist that DD sit with her brother. It wouldn't be healthy for either of them. DD looks out for DS but needs time to develop her own friendships. It also forces DS to spread his wings and forge his own path.

If I were you I would encourage your son to invite his friends to sit with him. When he tells you who he wants to sit with, maybe you could call the parents and see if they would send a peanut free lunch once a week. I would tell your DS without the allergy that you will send him a peanut free lunch so that he can sit with his brother whenever HE wants. I would explain to your DS with the allergy that this is the way it has to be, but he can ask a friend, or make friends with the kids at his table.

If lunch at your school is anything like lunch at ours, we're talking about 20 minutes of their day. I don't think it's going to damage his social standing during that time.

 

[KariC]

I wouldn't force the boys to sit together. While family is important, and twins have a special relationship, you have to also foster their independence. I know it's hard. DS has some social skills issues and it would be very easy for me to insist that DD sit with her brother. It wouldn't be healthy for either of them. DD looks out for DS but needs time to develop her own friendships. It also forces DS to spread his wings and forge his own path.

If I were you I would encourage your son to invite his friends to sit with him. When he tells you who he wants to sit with, maybe you could call the parents and see if they would send a peanut free lunch once a week. I would tell your DS without the allergy that you will send him a peanut free lunch so that he can sit with his brother whenever HE wants. I would explain to your DS with the allergy that this is the way it has to be, but he can ask a friend, or make friends with the kids at his table.

If lunch at your school is anything like lunch at ours, we're talking about 20 minutes of their day. I don't think it's going to damage his social standing during that time.

I agree. Now, you could also chat with the boys separately, and maybe the boys TOGETHER could get a group of boys to sit together, peanut free. Maybe not everyday, but somedays.

We tell our twins that they are "built in best friends". I feel that it is vitally important to foster strong sibling bonds. My parents did not do this, and they regret it. I have an older brother that is a real putz, and has no problem (and never did) with being an a** to the rest of us, and I think it is also an example of how he relates to others outside the family. Plus, in our mobile society, friends can move in and out of our lives at any time. Odds are, siblings won't....and as adults, if they've had close relationships as children, they'll maintain that bond.

Why do you just assume they will be best friends all there lives? just because they are twins doesn't guarantee it especially if one builds resentment toward the other. I know twins that aren't "best friends" as adults.

I would say this isn't the "norm" from my experience with knowing many sets of adult twins, and parents of adult twins.

 

[Minnie824]

Could you maybe leave it up to twin A's discretion on where to sit? I mean, not everyone at the non-peanut table eats peanut butter, I would imagine. Maybe allow him to sit there, but explain to him to try to sit next to someone eating some non-peanut butter lunch. If for some odd reason everyone has peanut butter, then tell him to sit at the peanut-free table.

 

[Beth76]

I definitely wouldn't force twinB to sit with twinA. I would highly encourage that he think about his brothers feelings and ask a friend or two to join them.

 

[addicted_to_WDW]

I think it is good that Twin B is developing friendships and wouldn't want to mess with that. He should be sensitive to his brother, but shouldn't be punished because his brother has an allergy and that's what the peanut free table will feel like to him.

 

[mickeyboat]

My DD's are a year apart in age, but they are both in 2nd grade. They tend to gravitate towards one another during times when the classes are together. I would anticipate that they would sit together, but I definitely not force the issue.

I think it is time for Twin A to take the initiative and invite some of his friends/classmates to sit with him. It isn't Twin B's responsibilty to keep his brother company, and by insisting that Twin B do that, you are depriving Twin A of the chance to make friends on his own.

Maybe you could talk to the teacher and ask her to help promote Twin A's friend-making. At DDs' school, when a child can't go out for recess because of an injury, the child gets to choose someone new every day to stay inside with him. The chosen child thinks it is a big deal! If the teacher just mentions to the class that there is room at the peanut free table, and that Twin A would like a friend to join him there, it might get the ball rolling.

It isn't easy. Good luck!

 

[dsnymomof4]

Could you talk to some of the Mom's of their friends and encourage them to sit with your twins? I would probably "encourage" twin B to sit with twin A just so he wouldn't be alone, but I would really try to have their friends sit with them. Maybe ask the teacher if you could send a note home advising other parents of the situation and ask if any would want to sit at the peanut-free table. I know my DDs have gone out of their way to embrace such situations, but they can only do so if they're aware of the situation. Good luck.

 

[allergymoms]

Could you invite other children with peanut free lunches to sit at the peanut free table?

You could possibly even have the teacher send a letter home saying that your son with the peanut allergy has to steer clear of peanut products but if your child doesnt have peanut in his lunch, he could really use a lunch buddy.

Some schools have a Peanut table (where the kids who eat peanut sit with any of their friends-except those with peanut allergy) and the No Nuts table (where the peanut/nut allergic kids sit with any of their friends except those who are eating peanut/nut products.)

Good luck,
Gina
AllergyMoms

 

[Cool-Beans]

My son has the deadly nut allergy. He sat with the other kids, he played with the other kids. I made sure the school knew how to use the epi-pen and off he went.

 

[Christine]

My son has the deadly nut allergy. He sat with the other kids, he played with the other kids. I made sure the school knew how to use the epi-pen and off he went.

Same here. You don't say the ages of your kids but about the time my son hit 4th grade, we stopped doing the peanut-free table. My son doesn't appear to have a "airborne" issue with the smell and the older kids seems to be much "neater" with their eating than, say, the 1st graders.

Do you feel comfortable to let your son do this?

 

[Erin1700]

Could you ask the teacher for some guidance? I understand you not wanting him to sit with just those 2 girls. Does the school have a hot lunch program? If so, maybe on days they are not serving PB she could have all the buyers sit together and let your son sit with them?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Another Mom of twins. I didn't see posted how Twin A felt about the issue, just Twin B (who didn't want to sit at the special table). Is Twin A ok with sitting with the two girls by himself? It might be kind of a nice time for him to interact with girls - by himself, without any pressure. Mine are boy/girl and I think it's an added bonus that they get to know both boys and girls their age because of their respective friendships. I'd take your cues from Twin A about how he wants to handle it.

 

[Cool-Beans]

Same here. You don't say the ages of your kids but about the time my son hit 4th grade, we stopped doing the peanut-free table. My son doesn't appear to have a "airborne" issue with the smell and the older kids seems to be much "neater" with their eating than, say, the 1st graders.

Do you feel comfortable to let your son do this?

He's not a child anymore. He never sat at a different table. I grew up with tons of allergies (not all dangerous) and he grew up with a couple. We both led - and lead - very normal lives.

 

[Christine]

He's not a child anymore. He never sat at a different table. I grew up with tons of allergies (not all dangerous) and he grew up with a couple. We both led - and lead - very normal lives.

Sorry, I was directing this to the OP. I was wondering how old her twins were and wondering if she felt that the PA twin could possibly sit at the non-allergic table if he was old enough and not horribly allergic.

 

[JoyG]

Sorry, I was directing this to the OP. I was wondering how old her twins were and wondering if she felt that the PA twin could possibly sit at the non-allergic table if he was old enough and not horribly allergic.

I would definitely want him to sit with the other kids, but he's only in 1st grade now, so maybe when he's a little older.

The school set up the peanut free table situation. If I thought the lunch monitors would be just as vigilent watching him at the regular table, I'd let him sit over there. I think that they probably set up the peanut table so they could focus extra attention over there if needed and since he's still young, he should probably stay there...he's also a bit on the immature side and has ADHD which adds to his social issues. I want to encourage social interaction as much as possible.

I will talk to the teacher and possibly have her ask other parents, or I'll ask them myself depending on how she feels about it.

We do encourage strong family bonds at our house, the boys are taught to watch out for their brothers and we refer to them as best friends often to encourage that. I don't want them to ever be lonely while they have their brothers around.

However, based on the responses here, I guess I'll let Twin B stay at his table with his friends. I'm thinking about asking him to come to Twin A's table once a week or once every other week.

Twin A hasn't brought up any problems...but he's not the type that would notice something was wrong...I just think that all the other kids are building friendships with that 30 minute period every day and DS isn't really doing that. He'll make some friends in class, but it won't be as many friends or as close friends as if he'd been eating lunch with them daily. Since he's a little socially awkward anyway, I don't think he'd realize this.

But then again, maybe I'm just being a helicopter parent and need to back off.