How would you respond? (long)

[GoldieSaysMeep]

My FI and I can not afford to buy Xmas gifts this year for anyone. The only people we will be getting gifts for are my 2 toddler neices. Their gifts will be under $5 each (My little Ponys).

We've told our friends and family. Friends have all agreed it's best we just not exchange and we'll all just get together at some point.

Family doesn't care. Except for...

My parents. So I offered to have them come visit me & I will have FI come over and make a nice Christmas dinner for all of us. I thought this was a really nice idea that would focus on family time and tradition rather than material presents.

They said "that's not a Christmas and we're not driving all that way".

I live about an hour and a half away. It's not the gas money. These people have hundreds of thousands of dollars. The $30 in gas it takes me to drive to their house really hurts my weekly budget. I know it would not hurt them. Also, it's not a distance issue. They routinely (like at least twice a month) drive triple the distance to go to a casino.

I really don't know how to respond to this rejection.

My parents are well aware that FI & I are trying to save for a very low budget $2500 wedding next year (my parents had promised to 'match' the $2500 and then 'took it back' because they disagreed with our venue & date).

They are also aware that we are also trying to get out of debt (I cut 20K down to 13K this year by being disciplined).

They are ALSO aware that we're trying to save for our day to day existence for a long time until the worthless house FI co-owns with his brothers sells. Until then, I have to support us alone on $2300 a month. FI will pitch in what he can, but over 1/2 his income goes to his 3rd of his mortgage and utilities at the money pit. (don't ask me why he is paying utilities for a house he doesn't live in...)

Everyone else we know seems to understand and applaud us for cutting down on spending and taking one or two years of no holiday gifts, fewer holiday visits to save gas, etc.

I just don't get it.

What would you do?

 

[java]

What do your parents expect? Are they aware of your cost saving measures? Personally, as one that doesn't have a great relationship with my Mom I would say- skip it all with them If they are going to be babies about the whole thing- forget them.
But then as I said I have a terrible relationship with my Mom so I'm not the one to be giving advice.

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

I don't think this is about money. It's about control. It sounds like you're locked in a struggle with your parents over control of your life and somehow money is being used as leverage in the battle.

 

[AlleyKat]

My FI and I can not afford to buy Xmas gifts this year for anyone.

Family doesn't care. Except for...

My parents. So I offered to have them come visit me & I will have FI come over and make a nice Christmas dinner for all of us. I thought this was a really nice idea that would focus on family time and tradition rather than material presents.

They said "that's not a Christmas and we're not driving all that way".

I really don't know how to respond to this rejection.

What would you do?

No "response" is needed.

It becomes a simple matter of more food and space for those who do show up!

 

[lovetoscrap]

Is there a reason you can't go to your parents? Do they do anything "traditional" for Christmas?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Wow!

We are in the same boat. No gifts for anyone. (Seriously--I hit THRIFT stores yesterday for my kids and found nothing, so ended up going to walmart and found stocking stuffers and a cool fire truck for my son that was only $10--and it was Tonka!)

DH's family will understand (and will know why).

My family on the other hand will crap a brick and figure out some way to punish my lack of consideration.

But since my mother has banned me of informing her of any bad news, she'll just have to be surprised.

The rejection you got was so heartless and I would strongly consider communicating that.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I don't think this is about money. It's about control. It sounds like you're locked in a struggle with your parents over control of your life and somehow money is being used as leverage in the battle.

I agree that is sounds more like a control issue. Tell your parents that it's your decision and you're sorry their feelings are hurt. Don't cave, don't let them make you feel bad. You are making positive steps towards your financial health. Kudos to you and your DFI. I would love this if my DSD said this to me in the beginning. She needs some of your brains.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

But since my mother has banned me of informing her of any bad news, she'll just have to be surprised.

 

[glitterkittyy]

I don't think this is about money. It's about control. It sounds like you're locked in a struggle with your parents over control of your life and somehow money is being used as leverage in the battle.

Hit the nail on the head.

 

[JerseyJanice]

You offered to host them for a dinner as your gift. They said no, so you don't need to respond any further.

If they invite you and FI over for Christmas, you can decide to be the better person and accept their invitation. Or not. The choice is yours.

 

[monkeybug]

My FI and I can not afford to buy Xmas gifts this year for anyone. The only people we will be getting gifts for are my 2 toddler neices. Their gifts will be under $5 each (My little Ponys).

We've told our friends and family. Friends have all agreed it's best we just not exchange and we'll all just get together at some point.

Family doesn't care. Except for...

My parents. So I offered to have them come visit me & I will have FI come over and make a nice Christmas dinner for all of us. I thought this was a really nice idea that would focus on family time and tradition rather than material presents.

They said "that's not a Christmas and we're not driving all that way".

I live about an hour and a half away. It's not the gas money. These people have hundreds of thousands of dollars. The $30 in gas it takes me to drive to their house really hurts my weekly budget. I know it would not hurt them. Also, it's not a distance issue. They routinely (like at least twice a month) drive triple the distance to go to a casino.

I really don't know how to respond to this rejection.

My parents are well aware that FI & I are trying to save for a very low budget $2500 wedding next year (my parents had promised to 'match' the $2500 and then 'took it back' because they disagreed with our venue & date).

They are also aware that we are also trying to get out of debt (I cut 20K down to 13K this year by being disciplined).

They are ALSO aware that we're trying to save for our day to day existence for a long time until the worthless house FI co-owns with his brothers sells. Until then, I have to support us alone on $2300 a month. FI will pitch in what he can, but over 1/2 his income goes to his 3rd of his mortgage and utilities at the money pit. (don't ask me why he is paying utilities for a house he doesn't live in...)

Everyone else we know seems to understand and applaud us for cutting down on spending and taking one or two years of no holiday gifts, fewer holiday visits to save gas, etc.

I just don't get it.

What would you do?

I haven't read the other responses yet, so I apologize if this is a repeat!
It is nearly impossible to take into consideration all of your families wants and desires, especially surrounding holidays. You and your Fiance are starting your own family now. You've decided what Christmas means to you and how to celebrate it in a way that doesn't put a strain on your pocket book (which could eventually put a strain on your relationship), and you are doing the right thing! Make decisions that are reasonably considerate of your extended family, but ultimately the best for you and your fiance. We dealt with this when we were first married, and eventually the family came around. When we tried balancing where my family wanted us, where his family wanted us, and what we wanted our family Christmas to be it was just too much! Focusing on our family first has really made lots of other family decisions easier too, and it's less of a strain on our marriage!
Tell your parents that you love them, you wish you could see them at Christmas, but you understand if they wish to celebrate in another way. Let them know that this is how you choose to celebrate and what you and your future husband choose to focus on. Let them know you are sorry that you can't make it their way this year. Maybe you could get together sometime soon after.

 

[lspst8]

That's awful. I feel really bad for you.

So, would your parents drive to your house for Christmas if you were giving them gifts? 90 minutes is not a long car ride at all (this is from someone whose commute takes 50 to 75 minutes each way to work).

Is there some tradition that they always do with extended family that they couldn't do if they went to visit you? Have your parents always been this way about material possesions and money, or is this recent development? Where will your siblings be on Christmas Day? Did you used to be very spendy?

It sounds like, with the wedding and Christmas rejection, that they don't like the new, budgeting you. Maybe it forces them to see that they have severe money problems that they'd rather not face Even people who seem to have very larege incomes can be living paycheck to paycheck and on credit. IDK .... it's just an idea.

 

[brockash]

I don't think this is about money. It's about control. It sounds like you're locked in a struggle with your parents over control of your life and somehow money is being used as leverage in the battle.

I agree. Honestly, I'd do the invite, and if they chose not to come so be it. You can have a nice peaceful x-mas without them. You need to stay strong and not go in debt, because your parents have issues. You did a nice thing by inviting them to your house, you explained why you couldn't go to theirs or do presents, and that's the end of it. You need to stand up for yourself and not let them control your life, especially when you're doing a smart thing by getting out of debt ect.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You offered an alternative and they said no.

Look at it this way, if you invited a friend with the same invitation and if they said no, you would not hound them right? You would accept their answer and move forward.

It stinks that your parents are so controlling and manipulative however since you can't change them, you change your response.

I would not have invited them to begin with but since you did you have to now look at their response and quit going back for more beatings.

Going back to get beat up by them it the part of yourself that needs to change. Let it go and celebrate the holidays how you want.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with others that your parents are trying to control your life (in a very harmful way). You are making smart decisions on your own so ignore them as much as possible (I know it is more easily said than done)

You invited them for dinner.
They declined.
It is their loss.

You and your fiancee need to focus on making Christmas special for the two of you. Maybe you can start a tradition or two. Make a gingerbread house together or something.

I would refuse to engage in any further conversations with your parents about Christmas. If they bring it up simply change the subject, or else say "the invitation to join us for dinner is still open, but please let us know by Xdate if you decide to come after all so we can get the shopping done." THEN change the subject or repeat as necessary. Do NOT try to justify your actions to your parents. It is a no win argument and as long as you feel you must keep trying to justify yourself you are giving them far too much control.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would refuse to engage in any firther conversations with your parents about Christmas. If they bring it up simply chagne the subject, or else say "the invitation to join us for dinner is still open, but please let us know by Xdate if you decide to come after all so we can get the shopping done." THEN change the subject or repeat as necessary. Do NOT try to justify your actions to your parents. It is a no win argument and as long as you feel you must keep trying to justify yourself you are giving them far too much control.

I wouldn't do that. Instead if they ask I would say we made other plans and then change the subject.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

My FI and I can not afford to buy Xmas gifts this year for anyone. The only people we will be getting gifts for are my 2 toddler neices. Their gifts will be under $5 each (My little Ponys).

We've told our friends and family. Friends have all agreed it's best we just not exchange and we'll all just get together at some point.

Family doesn't care. Except for...

My parents. So I offered to have them come visit me & I will have FI come over and make a nice Christmas dinner for all of us. I thought this was a really nice idea that would focus on family time and tradition rather than material presents.

They said "that's not a Christmas and we're not driving all that way".

I live about an hour and a half away. It's not the gas money. These people have hundreds of thousands of dollars. The $30 in gas it takes me to drive to their house really hurts my weekly budget. I know it would not hurt them. Also, it's not a distance issue. They routinely (like at least twice a month) drive triple the distance to go to a casino.

I really don't know how to respond to this rejection.

My parents are well aware that FI & I are trying to save for a very low budget $2500 wedding next year (my parents had promised to 'match' the $2500 and then 'took it back' because they disagreed with our venue & date).

They are also aware that we are also trying to get out of debt (I cut 20K down to 13K this year by being disciplined).

They are ALSO aware that we're trying to save for our day to day existence for a long time until the worthless house FI co-owns with his brothers sells. Until then, I have to support us alone on $2300 a month. FI will pitch in what he can, but over 1/2 his income goes to his 3rd of his mortgage and utilities at the money pit. (don't ask me why he is paying utilities for a house he doesn't live in...)

Everyone else we know seems to understand and applaud us for cutting down on spending and taking one or two years of no holiday gifts, fewer holiday visits to save gas, etc.

I just don't get it.

What would you do?

Kudos to you for responsible financial planning. You have goals and are disciplined enough to stick to them, that is fantastic.

You need to do what is right for you. Naturally, you can't be selfish about it as sometimes we have to do things we don't really want to for "family" sake. However, from what you have posted, this does not seem to be the case. You can't please everybody. You seem to have good reasons not to go.

However, if it is just the $30.00 for gas over to your parents house that is keeping you from going, is this not about the same amount you would have spent on food for their dinner? Depending on what you would be serving, $30.00 does not seem unreasonable to have to spend for a Christmas dinner for 4 people.

You will probably be out the same money whether you use it for gas to go to your parents or if they come over and you cook them a nice meal.

If you want to go and don't want to show up empty handed, how about making inexpensive gifts? A friend of mine makes scarfs with those knifty knitter looms. She uses inexpensive yarn, definitely not wool, and it takes her about 2 hours for a scarf and about an hour for a matching hat, all with a $3.00 skein of yarn.

Good luck. The holidays can be so stressful trying to please everybody. But the bottom line is that you must make the decision based on your goals that you have adhered to so well this year. Do not be pressured into doing anything that would put you in an economic bind, no matter how much others pressure you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I wouldn't do that. Instead if they ask I would say we made other plans and then change the subject.

If i made other plans I would just change the subject and not tell them what plans I made (too likely they would insult them!). But, I probably would do the keep the invitation open thing (but Iwould not blame anyone for not doing that). I jsut think that gives them a chacne to get their acts together and start being decent and salvage the relationship. And if they hold out--it is all the more apparent to everyone involved that THEY made the choice (so blame goes squarely where it belongs).

 

[Disney Doll]

I will preface my remarks by saying I know how complicated some parent/child relationships can be, and I know it's easy for us to say "Just forget about it" when it is not our parents.

I agree with the PP who said that your parents issue seems to be about control, and money is the leverage they attempt to use. They are attempting to manipulate you by saying "Well, if we aren't getting a present then we aren't coming for Christmas" assuming that you will cave because they are your parents.

So, your decision is...what to do?

There is the camp that says "make your own traditions with your DFi, you are starting your family with him"...that makes sense, but it's kind of sad that the 2 "families" can't really mix, it seems. And yes, they can't mix because of your parents decision to put control/$$/materialism above family, but it's still hurtful to you.

There is the camp that says "but they are your parents". And that is true, they are your parents.

Without knowing your entire life history with your parents, I cannot begin to help you. I would say that if my parents put control/money/materialism at such a premium, I would probably not want to have too much to do with them. I could see myself keeping in mild/moderate contact...sort of like the obligatory amount of contact...but I wouldn't be bending over backwards to please them because, quite frankly, unless you are doing things their way, you aren't going to please them. My own parents never put that much emphasis on stuff or control/$$/materialism, so I don't have any frame of reference for that.

It would seem to me that the time to lay the ground rules for your adult life would be now. You and your DFi are building a life together, you have come to conclusions about how you need to budget your time, money etc. So I would stick by that, and if the subject is discussed again, say to your parents "Well, I have told you that finanicially we are tight this year and I invited you for a nice dinner instead, which you don't seem to want to attend. That's the best I can do". Mom will attempt to guilt you into more. Just keep repeating that sentence. And send them a nice card telling them you love them and leave it at that. You cannot change them, so you must accept the situation as it is and change your reaction to it.

And yes, that is easier said than done. I have had some disappointments in my life and it takes time to come to grips with them. But you will.

 

[luvmy3]

At this point I wouldn't do anything more. They declined your invite so go ahead and make other plans for you and your fiance.

I can't believe any parent would say no to that kind of invitation from their child. I'm sorry yours are the kind that would