How would you react if your husband said

[fkj2]

Temporarily, ignore the husband.

Don't confuse being thin with being in shape. Just ask anyone, male or female, who's thin and has high triglycerides or has had a heart attack. Have you noticed just how many obits are in your local newspaper for young people (30s and up) who are having fatal heart attacks?

My comments are from a strictly physiological standpoint. As we age, getting in shape just becomes more difficult because of altered metabolism associated with the aging process. Hey, I'm not making this up; it's available info in any good medical referenceor for that matter, the local paper. I don't know the husband, obviously, but the conversation, according to the OP, was triggered by observing some obese family, gasping for breath, who walked by them.

I, for one, and so far it seems about the only one, would rather encourage the OP to realistically evaluate and start taking even small steps to improve her overall health.

 

[KelNottAt]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You’ve done a wonderful job of perking me up…

Unfortunately, however, some of you have drawn unfair conclusions about DH and I feel compelled to respond. I have no reason to believe his comments were motivated by a desire to reduce my self esteem or control me. They were just thoughtless. Further, his love is certainly not contingent on whether I’m in shape. This was the first time I’ve heard from him on the subject, so there’s been no pattern of constant putdowns. This was an isolated incident…And, now that I think about it, since it came out of left field, that probably explains why it stung so much. No matter what, it is not a reason to leave him.

The bottom line is that I’m out of shape and he said so. (For example, I have cellulite galore and could barely muster the strength to climb out of the deep end of the pool last month. Thin does not necessarily = fit.) Sometimes the truth sucks. Yes, it hurt my feelings and bruised my opinion of myself. But, thanks to all of you, I’m feeling better already. I plan to stick with my walking routine. Now that warm weather is here, the kids can even come along on their bikes.

In response to some of your questions, DH is nearly 5’9” and about 170 lbs. He’s a runner and weight lifter. He says he’d like to be 165. Whatever…he looks fine to me. Despite his looks, I am concerned about his awful eating habits, and I have told him so. He helps around the house A LOT. No golf with the guys, poker games, etc. In fact, just this past weekend, he stayed up all night painting the basement. He couldn’t do it during the day because he was helping at baseball practice and delivering something to my sister. As for work, he’s self employed, works 60 hours a week and travels a lot. Whereas I’m responsible for the kids every evening after school, he has them every morning before school.

Call me crazy, but this problem is not deep and bitter as some of you have assumed. I can say that confidently because the negative posts really opened my eyes to how bad it could be.

Thanks for your replies, and I mean that sincerely.

Kelley

 

[grimgrinnin]

I would have said -
'What have you done with my wife?'


grim

 

[donmil723]

Hey, Kelley! Sounds like you are using your DH's comments constructively and realize that thin does not necessarily mean fit. As an ACE-certified personal trainer, I just wanted to remind you that you can break up your cardio workouts into 2-3 smaller ones each day. For example, if you normally walk 30 minutes continuously now, you can break that down into 2-15 minute walks or 3-10 minute walks. Knowing that sure makes it easier for working moms and dads to get in their daily exercise time. Try to find time for a little weight training each week. It can be simple exercises that require little or no equipment--push-ups, bicep curls, shoulder shrugs, ab crunches, back extensions. One thing I recommend often is the large stability balls. They are one of the best things to use for ab crunches. Most come with a list of exercises you can do! Keep up the good work and remember a little exercise each day is better than none at all so if all you can fit it is 15 minutes--JUST DO IT! If you have any questions, you can PM me. Good luck!

Donna

 

[OneMoreTry]

First, sit down with your husband and explain how that comment made you feel. Give him a chance to apologize. Look him in the eye.

Second, do you want to exercise? If so, then sit down with your husband and work out a schedule as CarolMN suggested. Can you pay a babysitter for a couple of hours when he's out of town?

Third, I realize I know nothing about you guys, but when I hear that comment and then hear that your husband is away A LOT, it makes me a little nervous. If it makes you worry at all I hope you confront him.

 

[Deemarch]

Ask why he said that. Really, find out. Sorry, but no loving husband with any common sense would say that. I still smell a rat.

Be true to yourself. If you feel as if you should get into better shape, make no excuses. DH and I walk 3 miles everyday...together. Bring the kids on shorter walks. They could learn how to be in shape, too. There are some simple tapes, using the ball, that you could also do with the kids.

I'd really suggest having some alone time to do this, but if it's not possible you can always include the kids.

 

[Beca]

When I married my dh, I was 5'5 and 95 pounds...I was a professional performer, and danced a lot.

Well...we have been married 12 years, and I teach now....I do not perform. Needless, to say....I am NO longer even close to 95 lbs. I have had one baby. I run every day (well, at least 5 days per week), and teach one 2 hr. dance class. I am NOT thin. I don't know that I ever will be again. I am the families "guardian" of what gets eaten and what does not...it doesn't matter what I do....I cannot seem to get thin like I used to be (I am currently being tested for thyroid problems...we'll see what comes of that).

My point is this...my dh sees my struggles (I work SO much harder than he does in this area), and totally supports me.

If my dh said something like that to me. We would have a sincere discussion. It would focus on what he would like to see me do to further accomplish my goals, and what he could do to help me achieve that. When a loved one criticizes, they'd better be willing to "put their money where their mouth is" to help assist in change, or it is really not "constructive criticism" is it?

It sounds like you have a great guy...he just needs a little help in the ways to "lovingly" show concern.



Beca

 

[spiceycat]

Kelley - you sound like a friend of mind - she can eat whatever she likes and does not have a weight problem. but I can easily out walk her in a mile walk.

and boy am I overweight....

the only answer to that is exercising over the long run.

You might consider weight lifting - don't worry most women do not get the muscles that guys get. but it does built up your tolerance faster than just about anything.

 

[fkj2]

I guess what's been shocking to me about this discussion is how quick a lot of people are to rip the husband. Someone even suggested leaving him. I can't imagine breaking up a family because of hearing, "Honey, you could be in a little better shape." Whatever happened to working through problems? And frankly, as far as problems go, I'm not sure this is all that dire. I mean, nobody wants to be dissed, but good gravey, if the kids are healthy, the bills get paid, and there's food on the table and the house is warm when it's supposed to be, the job's are fairly secure--there's a lot of people who would envy that position. And, if I thought someone I loved was overweight or needed exercise, I'd tell them. Gently. But I'd still tell them. I have a friend who's fairly stubborn and I choose words to deliver the message carefully, because the message is more important than the delivery.

I would still encourage the OP to get a physical if she hasn't had one recently and see if there's an underlying reason for the extreme fatigue. That would be an ideal time to speak with a physician regarding strengthening exercises.

 

[ILPHIL]

I agree w/ fkj2 about how quickly this turned into a "rip the husband" thread. For a while it sounded like the script for a movie on Lifetime.
I wonder how much different the thread would have gone if it had been reversed and a wife had commented to her husband (as mine often does) that he really could stand to be in better shape??
Could he have said it in a different way, sure. But, I don't think men have the market cornered on saying hurtful things unintentionally.

Just my slightly more than 2 cents worth...

 

[idratherbeinwdw]

I mean, nobody wants to be dissed, but good gravey, if the kids are healthy, the bills get paid, and there's food on the table and the house is warm when it's supposed to be, the job's are fairly secure--there's a lot of people who would envy that position.

Once this story was put in context it sounds a lot different than when only the original post is read. You really can't blame people for assuming this was out of character for the op's husband, she never made that clear until her post many hours later. The whole "What would you do" attitude seemed more like she was concerned with being spoken to in that manner and her appearance ("Self concious, almost ashamed" is what was written), not in improving her general health. I still feel there's a bit of back pedaling going on here, but it's not my life and if the OP is happy with her life that's great.

BUT--I think there's a lot more to being happy than "kids are healthy, the bills get paid, and there's food on the table and the house is warm when it's supposed to be.". While of course that's vital, and I wish that for everyone all over the world, once those basic needs are met it's extremely important to be around people who are positive influences in your life. If what the OP said is the truth, sounds like she does have an OK guy who made a stupid remark. But if that was a typical remark I'd rethink that relationship. No one (male or female--I am well aware men haven't cornered the market on nasty) should have to put up with abuse, emotional or otherwise.

Best of luck to the OP.

 

[CharlesTD]

I get the same sort of thing but I get it from my wife. She says I have good tone in my arms and my legs but need to work on my bellywhich I know is true. I look at it this way she is telling me something I allready know but she is doing it because she cares not to be mean and that makes a real difference to me knowing she is thinking about my health.

 

[fkj2]

BUT--I think there's a lot more to being happy than "kids are healthy, the bills get paid, and there's food on the table and the house is warm when it's supposed to be.". While of course that's vital, and I wish that for everyone all over the world, once those basic needs are met it's extremely important to be around people who are positive influences in your life. If what the OP said is the truth, sounds like she does have an OK guy who made a stupid remark. But if that was a typical remark I'd rethink that relationship. No one (male or female--I am well aware men haven't cornered the market on nasty) should have to put up with abuse, emotional or otherwise.

Best of luck to the OP.

I never said that the above quote from an earlier post was all there was to being happy. As far as I'm concerned, that's how this thread ran away to begin with--misinterpreting what was said by other posters (although some of the responses were more than clear). So the guy wants his wife to stay in shape (ie., stay healthy, stay well, stay alive, be a great mom to his kids). So maybe that's an extrapolation. Give the hubby the benefit of the doubt and consider that he's really interested in his wife's health and not necessarily looking to maintain the trophy wife. People of either gender should be so lucky to find a mate who's concerned for and about them.

 

[DrBond007]

“Well, yeah, you’re thin. But, you need to work on muscle tone. From here up (hip bone), you’re a rail but with no upper body strength. From here down, you need to reduce and tone. Your top and bottom are out of proportion. You’d be fine if you could just work on that.”

These comments came while we were lying by the pool at Universal last month. It was the first time this year that I put on a bathing suit. The conversation started when an overweight family walked by, gasping for breath.

I have to admit, I was pretty bummed out…even tho I knew he was simply telling the truth.

But I just don’t have ANY time to work out. I’m employed full time (6:30 am – 3:30 pm). Then, when I get home from work at 4:00 it’s 100% kid time (homework, sports, etc), dinner, and general “Mom” stuff until I collapse in bed at 9:00. I don’t even watch TV (what’s American Idol? Survivor?? Desperate Housewives???) The work load is particularly heavy when DH travels (5 – 12 days per month). I can’t do a work out before work cuz I’m already getting up at 5:00 am.

I used to have a decent self image, but now that’s in doubt. Heck, at nearly 41, I thought I was doing better than most women my age. I’m 5’5”, 118 lbs. My clothes are 50% size 4, 50% size 6. Now I’m very self-conscious and almost (but not quite) ashamed of how I look.

Nevertheless, I am trying to improve. I’m TRYING to make time for walks; and I’m doing arm exercises as I go. I’m just hopeful I can keep it up. Meanwhile, I’m trying to deal with DH’s comments.

So what do you think? How would you react to what he said? Thanks.

Kelley

Well, I guess that depends on what kind of relationship you have the the context it was said in. Are you dishonest with each other just to make the other one feel good? Is he concerned about the amount of exercise you get in? Everyone is swamped for time, but exercise can help you live longer. Is he concerned about that? Are you able to talk frankly with one another? I think your question reads right ofter you observed some unhealthy people walk by, not comparing you to some bathing beauty. Does he exercise and indicate exercise is something important to him?

Maybe the biggest question is, why are you asking us on a DVC forum? A rule that took me the laongest time to learn was that those things that bother us the most have the greatest degree of truth in them. That's why they bother us. Find 40 minutes every other day and exercise for your heart's and health and mind's sake. Your appearance will benefit. Tell your husband how you'd like him to exercise as well so you can enjoy many, many more vacations together.....

 

[DrBond007]

Quite frankly, I think he is way out of line and VERY rude and disrespectful. You are working full time and bringing up children- you have a full life. As you said, you dont have time to indulge yourself.

Plus you sound like you are in great shape. I would love to be your size but the reality is, I am a size 12 and both DH and I are happy with that. Just like he is overweight and slavishly following Atkins before we hit WDW next month. Neither of us are perfect but hey............


He is trying to control you. Ignore his negative comments and dont let them damage your feelings of self worth. I would question why he is trying to undermine me.

Sorry not to be much help
Mandy

Yuk, don't follow this advice. I can't classify exercise as indulging oneself, part of it is teaching your children to be healthy as well. Perhaps labelling comments as rude and disrespectful without knowing the relationship or intent is misdirected. undermine me? Whew....

 

[DrBond007]

Oh pulllllease! The OP is 5'5'' and 118 lbs! I'd hardly say that's unhealthy! I think it's ridiculous to spend hours and hours on a perfect body. As long as you're height and weight proportional this should be a non-issue.

It could be unhealthy. Exercise is for your heart and good health, thinness alone may not be healthy. I try to exercise so I can live longer and be around for my children and wife. The exceptional body is just a bonus.....

By the way, we've joined the local YMCA and made it a family thing to go there. They have kid watching services for 1 - 1.50 per hour while we both work out. We also go on bike rides as a family, the kids really enjoy it. Personally, I also take advantage of our stationary bike. The boys come in and talk with me while I'm riding, we talk about thier day. Just some ideas.

 

[DrBond007]

Thanks for your replies everyone. You’ve done a wonderful job of perking me up…

Unfortunately, however, some of you have drawn unfair conclusions about DH and I feel compelled to respond. I have no reason to believe his comments were motivated by a desire to reduce my self esteem or control me. They were just thoughtless. Further, his love is certainly not contingent on whether I’m in shape. This was the first time I’ve heard from him on the subject, so there’s been no pattern of constant putdowns. This was an isolated incident…And, now that I think about it, since it came out of left field, that probably explains why it stung so much. No matter what, it is not a reason to leave him.

The bottom line is that I’m out of shape and he said so. (For example, I have cellulite galore and could barely muster the strength to climb out of the deep end of the pool last month. Thin does not necessarily = fit.) Sometimes the truth sucks. Yes, it hurt my feelings and bruised my opinion of myself. But, thanks to all of you, I’m feeling better already. I plan to stick with my walking routine. Now that warm weather is here, the kids can even come along on their bikes.

In response to some of your questions, DH is nearly 5’9” and about 170 lbs. He’s a runner and weight lifter. He says he’d like to be 165. Whatever…he looks fine to me. Despite his looks, I am concerned about his awful eating habits, and I have told him so. He helps around the house A LOT. No golf with the guys, poker games, etc. In fact, just this past weekend, he stayed up all night painting the basement. He couldn’t do it during the day because he was helping at baseball practice and delivering something to my sister. As for work, he’s self employed, works 60 hours a week and travels a lot. Whereas I’m responsible for the kids every evening after school, he has them every morning before school.

Call me crazy, but this problem is not deep and bitter as some of you have assumed. I can say that confidently because the negative posts really opened my eyes to how bad it could be.

Thanks for your replies, and I mean that sincerely.

Kelley

Thanks for the clarification, boy there was starting to be some real male bashing getting started, some folks were getting whipped up.....


He's a weightlifter and a runner? Why do you think he does those things? Did you want him to give you a patronizing answer that wasn't honest, knowing the time he put into exercise? Sounds like he was straight forward with you, perhaps homing you might get involved with exercise. Talk to him about it, not us. YOU can read how we want to take things down into the gutter and kick this poor man we kow nothing about around for a while. Geeze......

 

[Cruelladeville]

Kelley, you haven't trained DH very well if he actually made a statement like that, and didn't realize the cow pie he stepped in! That man really needs a tongue/brain transplant--he didn't know better after 12 years??? Shame on him!

Now, the good part is that DH just told you that you need more YOU time, so go for it, arrange for him to be home every day till 5 to watch the kids and start supper. Then join Curves for some toning and female interaction. If you don't have the money for Curves, get a one pound set of dumbbells to carry with you when you walk, and lift to your bicep and back down several times. It's easy and will tone your arms. And be sure to thank him every time he complains that he's tied to the kids from 3-5 every day. It'll teach him to keep his mouth shut, or at least to be discreet.

 

[bz8bls]

I suggest that you get some therapy if this upset you to the point that you had to seek comfort in strangers. Life is so short to sweat the small stuff. Be happy with who you are and do the things in life that make you happy. You can't be happy if you have to live up to the expectation of what your image should be.

 

[idratherbeinwdw]

It could be unhealthy. Exercise is for your heart and good health, thinness alone may not be healthy.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for exercising, especially cardio. In fact I just got off the treadmill, I have one my basement and use it every night. I just don't think (as I posted) it takes hours and hours of exercise to be healthy. You're right, just because one is not overweight does not necessarily mean they are healthy, but it's a good start.