How would you react if your husband said

[KelNottAt]

“Well, yeah, you’re thin. But, you need to work on muscle tone. From here up (hip bone), you’re a rail but with no upper body strength. From here down, you need to reduce and tone. Your top and bottom are out of proportion. You’d be fine if you could just work on that.”

These comments came while we were lying by the pool at Universal last month. It was the first time this year that I put on a bathing suit. The conversation started when an overweight family walked by, gasping for breath.

I have to admit, I was pretty bummed out…even tho I knew he was simply telling the truth.

But I just don’t have ANY time to work out. I’m employed full time (6:30 am – 3:30 pm). Then, when I get home from work at 4:00 it’s 100% kid time (homework, sports, etc), dinner, and general “Mom” stuff until I collapse in bed at 9:00. I don’t even watch TV (what’s American Idol? Survivor?? Desperate Housewives???) The work load is particularly heavy when DH travels (5 – 12 days per month). I can’t do a work out before work cuz I’m already getting up at 5:00 am.

I used to have a decent self image, but now that’s in doubt. Heck, at nearly 41, I thought I was doing better than most women my age. I’m 5’5”, 118 lbs. My clothes are 50% size 4, 50% size 6. Now I’m very self-conscious and almost (but not quite) ashamed of how I look.

Nevertheless, I am trying to improve. I’m TRYING to make time for walks; and I’m doing arm exercises as I go. I’m just hopeful I can keep it up. Meanwhile, I’m trying to deal with DH’s comments.

So what do you think? How would you react to what he said? Thanks.

Kelley

 

[the kabuki]

What would I have said to him???? I probably can't tell on a family site, but suffice to say, it would have involved my foot and his behind!

5'5" 118lbs Size 4-6 clothes, and that's out of shape??? Just out of curiousity, what's shape is DH in?

I'd say there's alot more going on here than him giving out training tips. He sounds like a rather arrogant man bent on keeping his wife's self esteem in the gutter.

Self Image is just that...SELF...you need to feel good about yourself instead of relying on DH. If you want to take walks or exercise, do it for yourself, not for him.

 

[idratherbeinwdw]

The nerve of him! No one's body is perfect and you are obviously in excellent shape. I agree that this man is trying to bring down your self esteem, and from what you wrote it sounds like you're buying into it. You should not have to hear this crap, much less defend yourself. Makes me angry just reading it!

 

[fkj2]

I used to be about 35 pounds heavier than I presently am and lost the weight because I bought some horses that required me to be more physically active. I used to suck wind working after them but there's a lot to be said for the benefits from the activity.

While I certainly understand you wouldn't be happy to hear"you're out of shape," you may well be despite being petite. And while you think you can't find the time to work out, there must be some type of outside activity, like yard work, that may help you instead of a dedicated exercise program. That seems boring anyhow. And, while you may be even more tired at the beginning, strength training will cause your body to function more efficiently and over time, you may not feel as tired as you do now.

I now have a resting heart rate less than 60 beats per minute, which is pretty good for my age (approaching 50). My blood pressure is totally under control and I'm not diabetic. My joints actually feel better with the activity, which has strengthened my muscles, and that certainly makes me happy because severe degenerative joint disease runs strongly on the Mom's side of the family.

I had worked as a nurse and with the changes occurring in the healthcare delivery system, knew that as my generation aged, we'd have to maintain a better health for ourselves because with family committments and the money constraints, who's gonna look after us?

Men aren't always tactful. But the fact of the matter is, many Americans are incredibly out of shape and overweight and we just can't afford to be.

 

[mrsminniemouse]

Quite frankly, I think he is way out of line and VERY rude and disrespectful. You are working full time and bringing up children- you have a full life. As you said, you dont have time to indulge yourself.

Plus you sound like you are in great shape. I would love to be your size but the reality is, I am a size 12 and both DH and I are happy with that. Just like he is overweight and slavishly following Atkins before we hit WDW next month. Neither of us are perfect but hey............


He is trying to control you. Ignore his negative comments and dont let them damage your feelings of self worth. I would question why he is trying to undermine me.

Sorry not to be much help
Mandy

 

[idratherbeinwdw]

Men aren't always tactful. But the fact of the matter is, many Americans are incredibly out of shape and overweight and we just can't afford to be.

Oh pulllllease! The OP is 5'5'' and 118 lbs! I'd hardly say that's unhealthy! I think it's ridiculous to spend hours and hours on a perfect body. As long as you're height and weight proportional this should be a non-issue.

 

[O2BNWDW]

So what do you think? How would you react to what he said? Thanks.

Kelley

I think I would tie a steak around his neck, bind him and throw him into the wetlands out back! THAT is absolutely ridiculous and uncalled for.

Love is unconditional not directly proportinate to weight. While of course we all have concern for our health and the health of our family to show it in such an insensitive and callous manner is unacceptable.

I agree with the other posters who say he is trying to drag down your self esteem.

 

[CarolMN]

I'd have said - "I'm glad you said that. I agree that I need to work out and tone up. I'll go 3 times per week. What days work best for you? - because you'll have to take over kid duty while I'm gone - you know, dinner, homework, sports, baths etc. How about we start as soon as we get home - Monday, Wednesday & Friday.

It doesn't sound to me like your DH is very sensitive and it sounds like you need some time just for yourself. YOU DESERVE IT! EVERYONE DOES!

FWIW, I also work 6:30 - 3:30 and used to be exhausted afterwards. Now I stop at Curves after work (3 -4 times per week) and get home 1 hour later than when I don't stop. It's made a world of difference in my energy level and general fitness level - it's also helped control my diabetes. It has toned me to the point my clothes look better, too. It was hard at first, but now if I skip a week, I feel tired again - go figure!

Anyway, consider getting a sitter for an hour or two in the late afternoons (if your DH can't be there or your kids aren't old enough to be alone between 4 and 5 in the afternoon. Early evenings might work for you, too). It's hard to get started, but even if all you do is go for a walk or do an uninterupted workout tape at home, you'll feel better.

Best wishes -

P.S. I really think your DH's comments were just awful - very selfish and just plain mean - especially if he isn't doing his share of the housework and child care (my assumption).

 

[mrsminniemouse]

Oh pulllllease! The OP is 5'5'' and 118 lbs! I'd hardly say that's unhealthy! I think it's ridiculous to spend hours and hours on a perfect body. As long as you're height and weight proportional this should be a non-issue.

I totally agree with this post. THe OP is in great shape. No need to act like she is putting her health in danger. Yes, many people do need to take more care of their bodies but she is very slim anyway (size 4-6). Tiny infact.....


Still wondering what shape the OPs DH is in!

Mandy

 

[PamNC]

Hmmmm. I wonder what kind of shape he is in. If you're 5'5 and 118 pounds...good grief! That's wonderful. I'm 5'5 and 135 pounds and I feel like I'm doing great for a 43 year old. I'm a size 8. A size 4 is absolutely incredible! I exercise but I don't do a lot of weight training...I don't enjoy it. I have muscle tone in my legs from the cardio activities I do like step aerobics, swimming, bike riding, jogging. I force myself to do some light upper body weights a couple times a week. But I hate it - it's so boring. I know what you mean about time...I work full-time too. It's difficult. Your husband isn't being very supportive and I think he's way out of line!!! If my husband said this to me I think I would smack him in the mouth. Or, as we say in the South "I'd mash his mouth."

PamNC

 

[mrsminniemouse]

Or, as we say in the South "I'd mash his mouth."

PamNC

Great expression! Love it!

Mandy

 

[Deemarch]

The operative word is HAD!! After 25+ years of putdowns I walked out. I took my car and my clothes...I left him the house...I couldn't bear anymore...It was a coyote divorce (I would have chewed my are off to get away!)

I am exstatically (I know it's not a word) happily married for the past 4 years to a man who doesn't need to put someone down to feel like a man.

I'll get off my soapbox, now.

I wish you luck and courage.

 

[sprite]

I would have said, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I guess you won't be needing to "enjoy" my body for the rest of this trip then."

 

[Poohs Pal]

I'm sure you feel as good about his observation as the "overweight and puffing to breath" family felt about your observation. We spend way to much time observing others fault and waaaay to much time lowering our self worth by what others think of us. That being said KICK HIS BUTT!!!!!!!!!!! Susan

 

[kathleena]

While brutal honesty may not always be the way to go - did you ask him what he thought, or did he just start talking about you that way.

If the former, I would say that you asked for his opinion and although clinical, you got it. Anytime we ask for opinions we have to be willing to accept the answers.

If the latter, then he is out of line. Unless someone is asking for thoughts, criticisms, opinions etc - or if they are doing something dangerous - we should leave it unsaid.

And for the record - I don't ask my DH at all. He will either lie to protect my feelings, or be brutally honest about what he thinks. The filter is either all on, or all off. So I don't ask. I just care about my own feelings about myself and move with those.

 

[spiceycat]

do what you want!!!

don't listen to people who think everyone should be one size. Although compared to me - you are tiny.....tiny.

Boy I need to get on a diet quick!

However you are smaller than the average for your size.

If you want to work out do it -

hey I agreed with Carol - is he doing his share of the house work?

it is obvious that he is not doing his share of the real work - or you won't need to work out size the house.....

You are spoiling him - badly....

tell him to straighten out or you will leave....

Ladies I have been single my entire life. One thing I have learned - men need us much, much more than we will ever need them...

Leave him if he doesn't value you. and it certainly sounds like he doesn't.

 

[sarhenty]

While brutal honesty may not always be the way to go - did you ask him what he thought, or did he just start talking about you that way.

If the former, I would say that you asked for his opinion and although clinical, you got it. Anytime we ask for opinions we have to be willing to accept the answers.

If the latter, then he is out of line. Unless someone is asking for thoughts, criticisms, opinions etc - or if they are doing something dangerous - we should leave it unsaid.

And for the record - I don't ask my DH at all. He will either lie to protect my feelings, or be brutally honest about what he thinks. The filter is either all on, or all off. So I don't ask. I just care about my own feelings about myself and move with those.

I have to agree with you, it sounds like she asked for his opinion...

 

[idratherbeinwdw]

One thing I have learned - men need us much, much more than we will ever need them...

Leave him if he doesn't value you. and it certainly sounds like he doesn't.

Amen! My ex didn't appreciate or value me or our kids--until we were gone, and then it was too late. I am SOOOOOO much happier single. I date, but I am not looking for anything permanent, I love my freedom.

 

[JimMIA]

“Well, yeah, you’re thin. But, you need to work on muscle tone. From here up (hip bone), you’re a rail but with no upper body strength. From here down, you need to reduce and tone. Your top and bottom are out of proportion. You’d be fine if you could just work on that.”

As a husband, I can think of two possible explanations for these comments which are a little different from what the women here have posted.

1. It is possible that he was just joking...in which case he is a profoundly stupid, insensitive, and tasteless man. (a combo which is not entirely unheard of among us guys!)

2. If he was not joking, he is either cruel and malicious or there is something else going on here. I've seen you post several comments with similar undertones, so this does not seem like an isolated case.

I think Carol's suggestion is a very wise one, but I would go a little further with it.

You need some "ME" time, and an exercise regime for someone with your schedule is not a nicety -- it is a necessity. You may not think so, but your "job" is one which requires considerable physical strength and stamina. That's why you collapse in bed each night instead of watching nothing on TV with the rest of us.

Forget proportional height and weight, you need an exercise routine for stress reduction, to improve your blood chemistry, to increase your cardiovascular fitness level (height/weight have little to do with fitness), to strengthen your bones, muscles and joints, to enhance your self esteem - and frankly, just to get away from things for a few hours a week.

As an added bonus, there is quite a body of scientific evidence which shows that regular exercise actually increases IQ (and I'll let one of our lovely ladies finish THAT sentence!).

You can find the time. You will go through an adjustment period, but you'll learn to juggle the time just like you learned to juggle to get where you are now. Personally, I'd start on Saturday or Sunday and let him stay home with the kids instead of playing golf with the guys.

Go to a nice gym, one with plenty of facilities and staff. You will find other people there who are patient and eager to help you establish your workout routines. Within a few weeks, working out will be a normal part of your schedule and you will miss it when something prevents you from going.

You may even find someone eager to help you establish something else. If so, hey - if you can find three hours a week to work out, you can find four!

 

[magicmouse2]

I am overweight and my DH would tell me so if I asked. I dont mind I know and I am trying to do something about it. Like you, I dont have time to go to the gym so I get up 30 mins earlier each day and do 20 mis of aerobic exercise in my living room. My muscle tone is much better though I need to cut down on calories to lose weight. There is only so much you can change. I have big hips and wide shoulders and will never be a size 6 because of this.

Did you want the truth when you asked him or were you looking for reassurance ??? Men can get it so wrong so often

ps you have had kids! what does he expect ???