How would you handle this?

[woodkins]

About 2 years ago my dh and dd7 had a portrait drawn of dd & our dog done as a birthday gift to me. DH had it drawn by a man who was an employee of a supply shop where he buys material for his business. The portrait was drawn from a photograph dh provided. Today dh found out that the "artist" is no longer an employee of the shop, due to the fact that he is now in prison for being a level 2 s-x offender!!!

DH now wants to remove the drawing from our home as every time he walks past it he thinks of the terrible things this man has done to young children...we do know the details & I will not mention them here, but it is BAD. How can I explain to my dd that the drawing is gone. She loves looking at it and was so proud that it was a special gift from her to me. DD has met this man many times in the past when she went into the shop with my husband so I don't want to give her too much information either. I am at a loss as to how to handle this. Any suggestions?

 

[Hannathy]

I would let it hang right where it is. I really don't understand the problem. Or if it really bothers your DH let your DD put it in her room thus limiting your DH's exposure to it.

Lots of artists have shaky pasts and we still admire their work, it is two different things.

 

[bwilcox]

Maybe your DH and DD could get a new portrait done by someone else to replace the old one. DD wouldn't have to know all the details, only that she and your DH thought it was time for an updated one. They could "surprise" you with it.

 

[AmandaLee]

How old is your daughter? that would be a big factor in how i'd approach the matter at hand. If she is young, it may be hard for her to comprehend why you'd want to remove it..While the picture may be 'perverted' to your husband, it is just a 'special' drawing to your daughter. I can also understand the creepy-vibes, and the wanting to take it down. Perhaps you can take another special photo to replace it...tell her you wanted to "update" and capture another special memory.

If she asks about the man,you could just say he did a very bad thing and went to jail. She may not care or want to know what the bad thing was, and this may be a good time to talk about strangers and what they are allowed to do and not do, and at a level that is age appropriate.

When I was younger, my boyfriend was picked up from my house and arrested for criminal s*xual assult with a minor under the age of 13. I had NO idea and NO clue. I was horrified, sickened and embarrassed and didn't know what to think about anything...I had to try to explain to family about "what happened to ol' what's his face".

 

[kirstenb1]

It would creep me out too. I'd tell dd something happened to it (you dropped it and it broke, you spilled paint thinner on it, whatever). I like the pp's idea about commissioning a portrait from someone else, so dd still has something similar.

 

[puffkin]

I also don't see the problem unless there would be something suggestive about the picture (which I highly doubt). It was a gift from your DD that she is proud of, I would continue to let it hang. No need to even mention to her about this sketchy past. It may come as a shock to you, but many artists, mucsicians, actors, authors, etc have sketchy pasts!

 

[woodkins]

My dd is 7 so levels of understanding need to be at a minimum. This is more than a "sketchy past" . This man did unimaginable things to more than one child-some about the age of my dd at the same time period that he was interacting with my daughter. He had pictures of my daughter that he used to create the drawings from which I think is making my husband even more upset as he gave them to him. This man also interacted with my dd numerous times and was always super nice, giving her special drawings etc-looking back now- almost like he wasgrooming her (and us) into trusting him. This is way more than a shady past and it is very recent....like he was just arrested, pled guilty and in jail within the past 3 mos. This is something that he was doing to other children very recently and at the same time he was interacting with my family. That is why my dh is having such a hard time with it.

I think most likely we will have a new portrait done and replace the old one, and figure out what to tell her about the old one when the time comes.

 

[ilovejack02]

Something like this happened when I was about 8 years old.

My mother loved to antique shop and had a favorite store she always shopped in. The man that owned the store was very sweet and always entertained me, gave me presents , candy , while she shopped.

Turns out shop owner was a child molester and finally caught and put in jail.

My mother asked me many questions and finally came to the conclusion that he had not hurt me. I did ask why he was in jail and was told the honest truth and given a long talk about being careful around strangers , always being honest with mom and dad etc.

Honesty is the best policy in this situation if she asks and you can use this as a teaching tool . She doesnt need to know specifics, but she needs to know that there are some people out there that hurt children and that if she is ever uncomfortable with any adult to let you or daddy know immediately . .

 

[brockash]

I've gotta say I'm with your dh. I don't feel the need to support artist with a "shaky past" that includes abusing children.(-Really I'm shocked by ppl. calling sexually abusing children as having a "shaky" or "sketchy" past -Very odd to me.) I get that you already paid for it ect., but I'd still feel the need to get rid of it, or at least put it away somewhere. As far as your dd7, honestly I'd be honest with her about it, to a point. I of course wouldn't go into any of the details with her, but I'd explain about how there are bad ppl. in the world and there are ppl. in the world that hurt children and it turned out that he was one of them.

 

[CrazyDuck]

My dd is 7 so levels of understanding need to be at a minimum. This is more than a "sketchy past" . This man did unimaginable things to more than one child-some about the age of my dd at the same time period that he was interacting with my daughter. He had pictures of my daughter that he used to create the drawings from which I think is making my husband even more upset as he gave them to him. This man also interacted with my dd numerous times and was always super nice, giving her special drawings etc-looking back now- almost like he wasgrooming her (and us) into trusting him. This is way more than a shady past and it is very recent....like he was just arrested, pled guilty and in jail within the past 3 mos. This is something that he was doing to other children very recently and at the same time he was interacting with my family. That is why my dh is having such a hard time with it.

I think most likely we will have a new portrait done and replace the old one, and figure out what to tell her about the old one when the time comes.

Sounds like it is bothering you as much as it is you DH!

 

[badblackpug]

I would explain it to your daughter. Of course in terms she can understand, such as "we found out Mr X did bad touch to some little girls, we love the picture, but seeing it makes us feel bad for the little girls he hurt, so we are going to find a way to get a new picture made." You can use this as a way to discuss strangers with your daughter.

 

[FayeW]

Personally, I think your husband is being ridiculous. It's a picture, drawn from a photo. It's not like your daughter posed for the guy.

There is no way to explain to your daughter that a picture she in enjoys is now gone because daddy has issues with the artist, because it is unexplainable. The picture is not of the artist, it's of your daughter and her dog. Getting rid of it doesn't make any sense.

 

[npmommie]

I am with your dh on this one too. I would have to get rid of the picture. I also agree with the pp that suggested this could be a good teaching moment, how we really don't "know" people in these situations, and it is never a good idea to be trusting of strangers.
I am also confused over calling this a sketchy past?
this is completely in a different ballpark.

stories like this just make me so angry, I am finding it hard to even put the news on lately because of all of these stories.

did your husband get all the pictures back that he gave to this person?

 

[PiperPizzaz]

I would just say you found out Mr. X is a bad man and it really bothers you and Daddy to see the picture now. Leave it up to her something else to put there. Maybe she could draw one herself.

 

[jeepgirl30]

Personally the artist background would not be in my mind, the beautiful drawing and pride DD has would be more important.

However, I would go with the suggestion of allowing DD to have a new photo taken as a surprise. She gets school pics every year so why not update this one too? Or maybe the 3 of you all together.

I would not mention any problems with the orignial as she may feel she is somehow wrong. She may associate the "bad" with the photo and with her in the photo.

 

[GoinToDisney]

I'm with your husband. Don't keep something around that will upset you. Intellectually, sure, you can try to ignore it. However, if it creeps you out, well, get rid of it. This is actually a very good opportunity to teach your dd that even when people seem nice, they might do bad things. It's time for the good touch, bad touch talk and be honest with her in terms she will understand. I know it's uncomfortable. However, this is not something you want to hide because if you are open about it with her, she will learn a valuable lesson. If you give her half of the story and you are not open and seem like you don't want to talk about it, she may learn that the topic is off limits... you want to avoid that. If she were ever in a situation like that (which I hope she never is), you want her to feel like she can tell you.

 

[kpgriswold]

I would explain it to your daughter. Of course in terms she can understand, such as "we found out Mr X did bad touch to some little girls, we love the picture, but seeing it makes us feel bad for the little girls he hurt, so we are going to find a way to get a new picture made." You can use this as a way to discuss strangers with your daughter.

This is excellent advice. Please don't think that because your child is "only 7" that she is too young to know about this. I am a former CPS social worker and can tell you that kids who are kept ignorant of "good touch/bad touch" issues are the ones who are most likely to fall victim to a predator.

It's uncomfortable and icky to talk about it, but this is the perfect opener for a conversation.

 

[Kies99]

I'm a dad and I agree with the OP's husband. It would really bother me to have that sketch in the house.

I like the idea of getting a new one done and just replacing the old one. Tell your daughter that the old one is up in the attic and eventually they'll forget about it or reach and age where you can be totally honest about it.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

If it creeps you out, get rid of it. Your daughter will survive. I would probably keep it.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

Why on earth would it be necessary to tell the daughter why?