How would you as a parent handle this...

[desamnik]

dd is almost 10, she has been good friends w/ girl next door, same grade, for 8 years. They sit together on the bus each day, play together when they have free time, have never gotten into an argument, get along very well.

A new family moved into our neighborhood w/ a girl one grade below. The two girls met the girl one day before school started. My dd said the new girl, "doesn't like her", but her and the other girl were giggling and laughing. Every time DD talked the other girl just stared at her and said nothing.

The new girl and dd's friend now have a "playdate" after school today, (found this out from facebook! from Dd's friends mom). I know my dd's feelings are going to be even more hurt, as she has told me the girl still isn't being nice to her, and she feels sad about it.
The three of them have been sitting together on the bus, and I'm sure they will let her know that they are playing together later.

I really wish they had included all three of them so that the other girl can get to know my daughter.

Should I walk over and introduce myself to the parents, or just let the girls work it out?

Should I tell my dd before she gets on the bus about this "playdate"???

Thx

 

[Tinijocaro]

Introducing yourself to the parents is fine, but my best advice (having been there with a neighborhood threesome) is to stay out of it. Yes, your dd will feel hurt but dd's friend will tire of the new friend at some point and realize that dd is a good solid friend. At this age, the kids should be choosing who they want to play with day to day.

On my street, there are four kids and someone is always left out, not always the same person. Sometimes just for a day, sometimes for a few weeks.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

dd is almost 10, she has been good friends w/ girl next door, same grade, for 8 years. They sit together on the bus each day, play together when they have free time, have never gotten into an argument, get along very well.

A new family moved into our neighborhood w/ a girl one grade below. The two girls met the girl one day before school started. My dd said the new girl, "doesn't like her", but her and the other girl were giggling and laughing. Every time DD talked the other girl just stared at her and said nothing.

The new girl and dd's friend now have a "playdate" after school today, (found this out from facebook! from Dd's friends mom). I know my dd's feelings are going to be even more hurt, as she has told me the girl still isn't being nice to her, and she feels sad about it.
The three of them have been sitting together on the bus, and I'm sure they will let her know that they are playing together later.

I really wish they had included all three of them so that the other girl can get to know my daughter.

Should I walk over and introduce myself to the parents, or just let the girls work it out?

Should I tell my dd before she gets on the bus about this "playdate"???

Thx

The less you say to your dd about this situation, the better. Just give lots of hugs, distraction and in the interim expand your dd's circle of friends. Teach your dd to handle this in a positive way. It is normal for the other friend to go hang with others.

You can come here and vent.

My dd's are 20 and 14, so BTDT.

 

[bellarella]

As someone who has had to move a couple of times with kids, I'd say you are looking at this backward

This is a new child to the area. She doesn't know anyone. She could be shy. Your daughter may be reading the situation wrong. Her friend probably reached out to the girl (maybe through her parents?) and the new girl is comfortable with her. I know that my DD clams up around people she doesn't know. She doesn't dislike them, she's just afraid of rejection (something we've been working on).

Absolutely introduce yourself to the parents. This is something I would have done as soon as I knew there was a child near any of my children's age. I also would have hosted a gathering with the two girls. While I believe that it up to the kids to choose their own friends, I also believe in teaching my kids to reach out to new people and give them a chance. I wouldn't push continued playdates, but one would have been mandatory as part of being a good neighbor.

 

[Andtototoo]

My dd18 has said on several occasions that some of the best advice I gave her was about friendship. I told her to always always always have a broad circle of friends (rather than relying on 1-2 friends), that friends move in and out of our lives whey they want (not when we want), and to never expect her current best friend to be her best friend forever.

 

[java]

Instead of wondering why they didn't include her, why not invite both other girls over to your house for a playdate?

We also always go welcome in the new neighbors with some food or a plant or something, and provide them with our phone number in case of emergencies.

 

[ChattaAlley]

Encourage your daughter to seek out new friends as well. I am sure her "old" friend will come back around then.

 

[mdsoccermom]

dd is almost 10, she has been good friends w/ girl next door, same grade, for 8 years. They sit together on the bus each day, play together when they have free time, have never gotten into an argument, get along very well.

A new family moved into our neighborhood w/ a girl one grade below. The two girls met the girl one day before school started. My dd said the new girl, "doesn't like her", but her and the other girl were giggling and laughing. Every time DD talked the other girl just stared at her and said nothing.

The new girl and dd's friend now have a "playdate" after school today, (found this out from facebook! from Dd's friends mom). I know my dd's feelings are going to be even more hurt, as she has told me the girl still isn't being nice to her, and she feels sad about it.
The three of them have been sitting together on the bus, and I'm sure they will let her know that they are playing together later.

I really wish they had included all three of them so that the other girl can get to know my daughter.

Should I walk over and introduce myself to the parents, or just let the girls work it out?

Should I tell my dd before she gets on the bus about this "playdate"???

Thx

Let them work it out. It never hurts to introduce yourself to the parents especially if they are new, but do it because you are being friendly, not because of the "playdate". Don't mention it to them.

It's going to happen. Kids are going to associate with other kids. My daughter's best friend lives up the block, and sometimes DD and this girl each hang out with other kids without the other one's presence. It's been like that for years. They don't need to be joined at the hip.

Introducing yourself to the parents is fine, but my best advice (having been there with a neighborhood threesome) is to stay out of it. Yes, your dd will feel hurt but dd's friend will tire of the new friend at some point and realize that dd is a good solid friend. At this age, the kids should be choosing who they want to play with day to day.

On my street, there are four kids and someone is always left out, not always the same person. Sometimes just for a day, sometimes for a few weeks.

Why do you assume that the girl will tire of the new friend? Why assume the new girl is a replacement for the OPs kid? She may very well already realize that the OPs daughter is a solid friend. However, she's made another one. It's ok. Kids can have more than one friend, and they aren't all required to like each other.

 

[Pembo]

Ah...your post brings back painful memories. My best friend lived across the street. We were friends until 5th grade, when she got a new neighbor and left me high and dry. It was awful for me. I never did understand it and years later when I asked my mom about it, she didn't know why either. "Lisa" and I were never friends again and she lived across the street from me until we graduated.

The toils of friends...gl to you and your dd.

 

[believenfaith]

My dd18 has said on several occasions that some of the best advice I gave her was about friendship. I told her to always always always have a broad circle of friends (rather than relying on 1-2 friends), that friends move in and out of our lives whey they want (not when we want), and to never expect her current best friend to be her best friend forever.

My DD is 15...I have given her this same advice and so far, things have worked out for her. Drama thrives in threes. Encourage your daughter to cultivate other friendships.

Good luck!!

 

[Magic Mom]

Welcome to the world of girl politics. DD has a sort of similar situation and I agree with the other posters that broadening her circle of friends is a great idea. I also don't think you should hide her from their playdates. It's better to help her face those hurt feelings and learn to deal with them (with your help of course.)

One girl that DD rides with is determined to make DD the third wheel. She does not like when other girls pay more attention to DD and she will go out of her way to manipulate the situation so DD is left out. Now one on one they are fine together and the girl is fun and nice and has done some genuinely nice things for DD.

DD isn't good at the whole girl politics things, so we talk about it. I've pushed her to come up with her own solutions.We've had the whole talk about her friends being allowed to have other friends and sometimes do things without her, and in turn she has the same freedom. So if a friend hangs out with someone else one day, she doesn't have to sit home and pout, she can find another friend to hang out with. And if she thinks she wants to do something afterschool or on a weekend, she needs to make plans with that person and not just assume they will be free to hang out.

 

[MomNeedsVacay]

I always tell my girls- to make good friends, you have to be a good friend... and you won't be friends with everyone. Its painful to see your children get emotionally hurt, but its part of life and relationships. Have her invite the new girl over at some point. She may end up not wanting to be friends with this girl int he long run---but you are neighbors so you automatically have a connection. I would also encourage your daughter to bring another friend home from school that day...

 

[SC Minnie]

It's been my experience than girls can't have groups of odd numbered friends at younger ages. They tend to 'pair up' and one girl always feels left out.

This happened in our neighborhood. I stayed out of it and the girls finally worked things out as their personalities grew.

 

[scrapquitler]

dd is almost 10, she has been good friends w/ girl next door, same grade, for 8 years. They sit together on the bus each day, play together when they have free time, have never gotten into an argument, get along very well.

A new family moved into our neighborhood w/ a girl one grade below. The two girls met the girl one day before school started. My dd said the new girl, "doesn't like her", but her and the other girl were giggling and laughing. Every time DD talked the other girl just stared at her and said nothing.

The new girl and dd's friend now have a "playdate" after school today, (found this out from facebook! from Dd's friends mom). I know my dd's feelings are going to be even more hurt, as she has told me the girl still isn't being nice to her, and she feels sad about it.
The three of them have been sitting together on the bus, and I'm sure they will let her know that they are playing together later.

I really wish they had included all three of them so that the other girl can get to know my daughter.

Should I walk over and introduce myself to the parents, or just let the girls work it out?

Should I tell my dd before she gets on the bus about this "playdate"???

Thx

As a parent, I would STAY OUT OF IT.

(assuming that "mary"=your DDs longtime friend and "Suzy"= the new girl)

If my DD came to me and wanted to talk about it, I would tell her that just because she is friends with Mary, it doesn't mean that Mary is only allowed to play with her. Mary can have a playdate with Suzy the new girl, and just because your DD isn't involved doesn't mean that Mary is no longer her friend. I'd also tell my DD that just because she doesn't have a good impression of Suzy, doesn't mean that Suzy isn't a nice person and doesn't mean that she and Suzy are doomed to never be friends.

I would further reiterate (something I do with my 14 year old ALL THE TIME), just because you don't "Like" someone, doesn't mean that you aren't supposed to be friendly and polite. This is a huge drama thing at my DD's dance school "S doesn't like me and I don't like her". Well that's fine, but it doesn't mean that you can't talk small talk and be pleasant to her and vice versa. I'm always reminding my DD (and her friends) of this.

Honestly, I don't think that "Mary" needs to (or should, nor should you) notify your DD of every time Mary has plans that don't involve her. We should encourage our kids to have a wide variety of friends. Friendship is not exclusive.

Again, stay out of it, but talk about your DD feelings if she comes to you to talk about it.

I'd introduce myself to "suzy's" parents, not because of this situatuion, but just because I introduce myself to people I don't know. But I wouldn't introduce myself and say ANYTHING at all about the playdate.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

As someone who has had to move a couple of times with kids, I'd say you are looking at this backward

This is a new child to the area. She doesn't know anyone. She could be shy. Your daughter may be reading the situation wrong. Her friend probably reached out to the girl (maybe through her parents?) and the new girl is comfortable with her. I know that my DD clams up around people she doesn't know. She doesn't dislike them, she's just afraid of rejection (something we've been working on).

I was thinking along these lines as well, and that's how I'd help my DD try to see it.

New girl knows nobody and knows nothing of the history of the other two girls. She's just trying to make a friend.

I'd also try to work on my DD's thinking that someone "doesn't like her" after just one meeting or one ride on the bus, etc. I know it's a common girl thing these days, but really. That type of thinking isn't healthy, IMO.

I also agree with the "to have a friend you have to be a friend" mentality. That was a "saying" in my house growing up and I've taught it to my kids as well. For the times DD has been taken advantage of or actually not treated very nicely, I've encouraged her to simply move on.

 

[VAN]

Welcome to the world of girl politics. DD has a sort of similar situation and I agree with the other posters that broadening her circle of friends is a great idea. I also don't think you should hide her from their playdates. It's better to help her face those hurt feelings and learn to deal with them (with your help of course.)

One girl that DD rides with is determined to make DD the third wheel. She does not like when other girls pay more attention to DD and she will go out of her way to manipulate the situation so DD is left out. Now one on one they are fine together and the girl is fun and nice and has done some genuinely nice things for DD.

DD isn't good at the whole girl politics things, so we talk about it. I've pushed her to come up with her own solutions.We've had the whole talk about her friends being allowed to have other friends and sometimes do things without her, and in turn she has the same freedom. So if a friend hangs out with someone else one day, she doesn't have to sit home and pout, she can find another friend to hang out with. And if she thinks she wants to do something afterschool or on a weekend, she needs to make plans with that person and not just assume they will be free to hang out.

Totally agree with this ... girls can be very cruel. Some never seem to mature either (witness reality TV) - I had this happen to me when I was in my early 20's!!!

The best you can do is have a good cry and then carry on trying to hang with people who appreciate who you are and "enhance" your life rather than make you hate and/or question if you are "good enough".

 

[tlbwriter]

It's been my experience than girls can't have groups of odd numbered friends at younger ages. They tend to 'pair up' and one girl always feels left out.

This is true in my experience as well, and other parents of girls have said the same thing. Three girls is always a bad number.

 

[mjkacmom]

There is nothing to handle at this age.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Why do you assume that the girl will tire of the new friend? Why assume the new girl is a replacement for the OPs kid? She may very well already realize that the OPs daughter is a solid friend. However, she's made another one. It's ok. Kids can have more than one friend, and they aren't all required to like each other.

She will tire of the exclusivity of the new friend, and miss the old friend.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

dd is almost 10, she has been good friends w/ girl next door, same grade, for 8 years. They sit together on the bus each day, play together when they have free time, have never gotten into an argument, get along very well.

A new family moved into our neighborhood w/ a girl one grade below. The two girls met the girl one day before school started. My dd said the new girl, "doesn't like her", but her and the other girl were giggling and laughing. Every time DD talked the other girl just stared at her and said nothing.

The new girl and dd's friend now have a "playdate" after school today, (found this out from facebook! from Dd's friends mom). I know my dd's feelings are going to be even more hurt, as she has told me the girl still isn't being nice to her, and she feels sad about it.
The three of them have been sitting together on the bus, and I'm sure they will let her know that they are playing together later.

I really wish they had included all three of them so that the other girl can get to know my daughter.

Should I walk over and introduce myself to the parents, or just let the girls work it out?

Should I tell my dd before she gets on the bus about this "playdate"???

Thx

Stay out of it. There's no rule that says that the new girl has to like your DD and has to invite her on a playdate because she invited somebody she is friends with.