How to handle RSVPs with children when only adults were invited?

[NotUrsula]

Just be prepared for what you will do when the special snowflakes show up on your doorstep, because the odds are high that they will.

Best to rehearse the options for the next step, whether that is refusing to let them in, shutting them inside a bedroom with a Disney video, or some other option.

I'm kinda snarky in situations like this, so I would bring the kiddies to Grandma and Grandpa and tell them in a VERY loud voice that, "Look, Ginny brought Susie and Jeffrey inside for just a minute so that they could wish you a happy anniversary before they go to the babysitter's house; isn't that sweet?" Then follow up two minutes later by excusing them because they need to be getting to the sitter. That puts them in the position of either leaving right then or having to admit out loud that they didn't get a sitter.

(I know whereof I speak on this one. My wedding reception enue did not allow children under 12, and I even called to explain when I got replies that included kids, but two guests brought small kids anyway. I ended up having to forfeit my damage deposit over that, and it did not go well for the people who decided to disregard the rule.)

 

[LilyWDW]

Why give any explanation at all? No need to mention budgets, size constraints, safety, etc.

Just stick to the facts. The party is for adults only. Children are not invited.

I agree. If you give an explanation, you are really just opening yourself up to an argument. Better to be blunt and tell them how it is. It is an adults only party. Period. If they can't get that, then that is on them. Let them whine and complain all they want.

 

[Alsobrook]

If people bring kids anyway, all you can do is be polite. The focus is not on their kids....it's on the guests of honor. And your role is to do nothing that detracts from their special day.

"I'm so glad you could come! Come right in." and move on to the next guest.

If someone realizes the error of their ways and says, "Oh, were children not invited?" You just smile and say, "It's quite alright, no worries at all, we're thrilled you are all here." and you move on to the next guest.

 

[badblackpug]

The 50th Anniversary Party I threw for my parents included all the family, including kids. My parents were thrilled. People drove distances to attend so it really was important to me to have everyone there.

Dawn

If that is what your parents wanted, then I'm glad they enjoyed themselves. However, and this is coming from someone with FOUR children, not everyone likes children or enjoys the company of small children. Not everyone finds the little darlings adorable.

Tara clearly stated that her parents, the guests of honor, do not want children at this event, and Tara, who is hosting the event, does not want children at this event.

The long and short of it is, and this goes for all invitations, if they (whomever the "they" might be) are not named on the invitation they are not invited.

If the invitation is addressed:

Mr. John Doe .... then ONLY John is invited

Mr. & Mrs. John Doe ... then ONLY Mr. & Mrs. Doe are invited

Mr. John Doe & Guest ... then John and ONE adult guest of his choice are invited

Mr. John Doe & family ... then John and his immediate family living in his home are invited.

It is the parents responsibility to find child care for their children. While it is a lovely courtesy some hosts choose to extend, the host is in no way responsible for supplying someone to watch your children during an event.

Children count as guests, and, simply put, it is rude to bring uninvited guests.

 

[leebee]

I'm getting snarky....LOL

Got an email reply from my cousin who RSVP'd that she was bringing her boyfriend & his 2 young kids. I replied back that I was glad she could come as I haven't seen her in almost 2 years, however, there would be no children at the party. She replies "Oh really? But XYZ only has his kids that day & I am so excited to have the rest of the famly meet XYZ & his kids. My mom & dad (my aunt & uncle) will be upset that no one is getting to meet them. I wanted them to meet your kids."

Geez... I'm thinking she's gonna show up with the kids anyhow, right?

Seriously, if she pushes you on the BF's kids meeting the family, remind her that they had that opportunity at Christmas when her mom moved the date of the family party, even though it made it impossible for all to celebrate together, and she decided it wasn't important enough to attend even after all the arrangements had been made to suit her schedule!

Stick to your guns, and let us know what happens

 

[ksjayhawks]

If people bring kids anyway, all you can do is be polite. The focus is not on their kids....it's on the guests of honor. And your role is to do nothing that detracts from their special day.

"I'm so glad you could come! Come right in." and move on to the next guest.

If someone realizes the error of their ways and says, "Oh, were children not invited?" You just smile and say, "It's quite alright, no worries at all, we're thrilled you are all here." and you move on to the next guest.

Please do not say the bolded if someone asks if children were invited. It isn't alright. If you say that, you the same as say it is okay to bring others who weren't invited and will make those that followed the guidelines upset as they left their kids at home with a sitter.

Instead, be honest, speaking in a normal tone of voice, "You are right. Children were not invited, this was an adults only party. We are not set up for kids. Have you said hello to my parents yet?" This lets them know that they goofed, yet you are not calling them out rudely. Do not hesitate to go to them if their kids are misbehaving or to take their kids to them "XY I really need you to keep your kids with you."

 

[Kathi OD]

Please do not say the bolded if someone asks if children were invited. It isn't alright. If you say that, you the same as say it is okay to bring others who weren't invited and will make those that followed the guidelines upset as they left their kids at home with a sitter.

Instead, be honest, speaking in a normal tone of voice, "You are right. Children were not invited, this was an adults only party. We are not set up for kids. Have you said hello to my parents yet?" This lets them know that they goofed, yet you are not calling them out rudely. Do not hesitate to go to them if their kids are misbehaving or to take their kids to them "XY I really need you to keep your kids with you."

I think I might add to your statement..."You are right. Children were not invited, this was an adults only party, as you were informed. We are not set up for kids, please make sure to have them say hello to my parents."

 

[SaraJayne]

Geez... I'm thinking she's gonna show up with the kids anyhow, right?

Seriously, if she pushes you on the BF's kids meeting the family, remind her that they had that opportunity at Christmas when her mom moved the date of the family party, even though it made it impossible for all to celebrate together, and she decided it wasn't important enough to attend even after all the arrangements had been made to suit her schedule!

Stick to your guns, and let us know what happens

Oh yeah, I'd definitely be pulling that little nugget out now if she insists on the kids coming. And no, I probably wouldn't be nice about it, either.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think I might add to your statement..."You are right. Children were not invited, this was an adults only party, as you were informed. We are not set up for kids, please make sure to have them say hello to my parents."

I'd add at the end of that sentence "please make sure to have them say hello to my parents before leaving for the babysitter".

 

[TaraPA]

I think I should make cue cards to have in my pocket in case someone shows up with kids!!!!!!!! You guys have great responses for me!!!!

 

[leebee]

I think I should make cue cards to have in my pocket in case someone shows up with kids!!!!!!!! You guys have great responses for me!!!!

I think we are all living vicariously through your dilemma ! We've all been there, in one way or another, in an uncomfortable position where we are in the right but feel compelled to be nice to the people who are taking advantage, behaving badly, whatever. I know all these responses are things I would have liked to have been able to think of "in the moment;" you know, the things that, when you are lying in bed that night, you think of and say, "DARN!! I wish I'd said that!"

Keep us posted!

 

[Alsobrook]

Please do not say the bolded if someone asks if children were invited. It isn't alright. If you say that, you the same as say it is okay to bring others who weren't invited and will make those that followed the guidelines upset as they left their kids at home with a sitter.

Instead, be honest, speaking in a normal tone of voice, "You are right. Children were not invited, this was an adults only party. We are not set up for kids. Have you said hello to my parents yet?" This lets them know that they goofed, yet you are not calling them out rudely. Do not hesitate to go to them if their kids are misbehaving or to take their kids to them "XY I really need you to keep your kids with you."

Calling them out is rude in and of itself, and it's not warranted at the actual event. Your job as host is to host the event and keep the focus on the guests of honor. Your job as host is to put people at ease and make no fuss. They will get the message. There's no reason to punish them at the door, to make fools of them, or to invite them to leave the party with their children. That's bush league, low rent, claptrap. Two wrongs don't make a right. Whether you omit the bolded part or not (my suggestion is merely a way to brush past the issue and not dwell on it).

Your doorway, during the party, is not the place to teach etiquette to your guests.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

I wouldn't even let them in the door since it's been made 100% clear to them the boyfriend's kids are not invited.

 

[TaraPA]

I think we are all living vicariously through your dilemma !
Keep us posted!

ROFL - I think everyone just wants to see what fool person ivited 185 people to her house! I'll have to post some pics after.

I still haven't gotten in touch with the last one. I left a msg on voicemail to call me back regarding the party, but nothing. I will try again today.

T minus 9 days & counting! So far the weather says 82 & partly cloudy - I'll take it! It will change a million times til then though.

 

[MrsDuck]

As uncomfortable as it will be, I would call those particular groups on the phone and just say "sorry, with the exception of A&B's grandchildren, this is an adults-only party. We would really like you to come, so I hope you can find a babysitter."

I'm sure there are others on the list that might have children, but stuck with the invited guests on the invitation. And if you let some people bring their kids (1) the "rule follower" people will feel slighted and (2) the next time there's a party, everyone will feel free to bring their kids because you've set the precedent.

Stand your ground.

This this this.

 

[Alsobrook]

Anybody who follows the rules and then feels slighted is an idiot. People that follow the rules do so because they understand who was invited and who wasn't. They are more likely to think ill of the rule breakers.

But it isn't about any of this.... it's about the party and the reason for the celebration.

And it doesn't set a precedent.

 

[weezyree]

We recently survived a nice wedding on a budget. Our daughter was married and the groom's from the area we live, so our list was mostly out-of-towners and was short.

To keep costs down and to make it intimate (85 people), I sent the reply cards as such:

"We have reserved { } seats in your honor."

I then filled in that blank with the exact number of people they were allowed to bring, which helped control the amount of children coming. At $25 per plate, it simply wasn't in the budget to pay that for children. The locals could get a babysitter to stay on a Saturday for their children at own home. Most complied with it; however, at the wedding I did see quite a number of toddlers and babies (which wasn't monitored by the event coordinator very closely). There wasn't a bill afterward, but the whole point was we also didn't want crying tots at the ceremony or toddlers disrupting the sequence of events. Not to sound crude, but events such as this are a big expense and can't be repeated.

One incident happened which was another reason why I didn't want children under 13 at the wedding. While all the adults were dancing, the one tot was out there too and cutting a rug I might add; however, I turned around and knocked her over. She scraped her knee, but after a few kisses from her mom she was right back on the floor dancing.

It's fun to have them around and refreshing, but at the same time I do completely understand the need to keep children at bay as well.

This is your party and you are the host. I agree that I would call those that are intending to bring children to leave them home.

Another option would be to hire an on-site babysitter or two to tend to the children in a designated area of the home. This way, you don't have them under foot, no one has hurt feelings and the party will go on without a hitch.

best of luck!!

 

[TaraPA]

just just

Ok seriously - I guess I needed to be more clear. No, more blunt. I quoted my own post here with what I told my cousin when she RSVP-ed for herself, her BF & his 2 youngs kids:

I'm getting snarky....LOL

Got an email reply from my cousin who RSVP'd that she was bringing her boyfriend & his 2 young kids. I replied back that I was glad she could come as I haven't seen her in almost 2 years, however, there would be no children at the party. She replies "Oh really? But XYZ only has his kids that day & I am so excited to have the rest of the famly meet XYZ & his kids. My mom & dad (my aunt & uncle) will be upset that no one is getting to meet them. I wanted them to meet your kids."

REALLY?!?!?!?! This is NOT XYZ & kids "coming out" party!!!

I replied back, deleted it, replied again, deleted it, stepped away from the computer....

I kept it simple & replied "Sorry, we'll have to get together another time with the kids, there will be no kids at the party other than mine, who will be busy all day helping me."

I haven't heard back from the other one I emailed, and will try & call the other one around 8:30 this morning.

She just Facebooked me this -

"Hi Tara, just checking to see if any other kids would be coming on Sunday since xyz isn't sure what to do with them for that day."

REALLY?!?!?!??! I guess when I read what I wrote I wasn't specific enough. Come on gang, you are GREAT with replies. Right now whatever I send will be snarky, so help me out here. I'm thinking I just keep my emotions out of it & say something along the lines of "oh I think you misunderstood, no kids WERE INVITED for Sunday. It's an adults only event. I think it would be great for xyz to spend some quality alone daddy & kid time at home on Sunday. Hope you can make it."

Frustrating...

 

[crashbb]

REALLY?!?!?!??! I guess when I read what I wrote I wasn't specific enough. Come on gang, you are GREAT with replies. Right now whatever I send will be snarky, so help me out here. I'm thinking I just keep my emotions out of it & say something along the lines of "oh I think you misunderstood, no kids WERE INVITED for Sunday. It's an adults only event. I think it would be great for xyz to spend some quality alone daddy & kid time at home on Sunday. Hope you can make it."

I'd change it to ARE COMING. Clearly, in her mind, there is a difference being being invited and coming (since her BF's kids weren't invited but she still planned on bringing them).

 

[TaraPA]

I'd change it to ARE COMING. Clearly, in her mind, there is a difference being being invited and coming (since her BF's kids weren't invited but she still planned on bringing them).

You're right. Man I hate to have to dummy down my words to accomodate her pea-brain thinking....