How to handle male relative houseguests and child: Sensitive subject

[Beth76]

If you don't trust your BIL at night with your DD while you are in the house, then he shouldn't even be at your house to begin with. But, you don't seem to have specific trust issue with him. He's just a male. From what you described, your feelings should also run to your husband, your father or ANY other male that you know, and any female for that matter. So, yes, I would say that you are wrong and over-protective. You could very well need counseling yourself. And stop watching Oprah and the like.

 

[SpecialEd]

Do you lock the door with your DH in the house, after all he was raised by the same people. So if BIL is suspect why isn't your DH. After all you said you were worried about incest.

I hope you reconsider you attitude or you will raise a fearful, paranoid adult who is socially retarded.

BTW it isn't just men - Mary LeTourneau - nuff said. So if you have boys better lock them up too.

 

[tar heel]

Unless you have reason to think your brother-in-law has a problem, that was a totally paranoid thing to do. How do you think he would feel if he knew? I'm surprised by your dh's lack of reation, frankly. On the other hand, if you have reason to think he's a pedophile, then you shouldn't have had him in your house to begin with.

 

[treesinger]

Originally posted by Beth76
If you don't trust your BIL at night with your DD while you are in the house, then he shouldn't even be at your house to begin with. But, you don't seem to have specific trust issue with him. He's just a male. From what you described, your feelings should also run to your husband, your father or ANY other male that you know, and any female for that matter. So, yes, I would say that you are wrong and over-protective. You could very well need counseling yourself. And stop watching Oprah and the like.

Hey, why all the Oprah-bashing?

Anyway, I agree with what Beth said here. It is unsafe and probably an overprotective move. The best thing would have been to not have him in the house at all if you couldn't fully trust him, even though you have no reason NOT to trust him.

My wife read "The Gift of Fear", an Oprah recommendation nonetheless, and it does have some good advice. Better to be cautious than sorry.

Finding the line between good sense and paranoia can be a bit tricky.

 

[kilee]

Frankly, unless the BIL has given you reason to think this way (then why was he spending the night?). Then there must be something more here. I honestly would think about talking to someone. That is no way to live, being that afraid. I hope you are able to sort through these feelings.

 

[Dcat2u]

I don't think you over reacted, but maybe you could have handled the situation a little different in regards to locking her in from the inside. I was molested by my mother's father (as you see I do not acknowledge him as my grandfather), my mother never did do anything about it. My uncle was driving through where I live and stopped overnight, my husband was in the field and I felt put on the spot. I had both my daughters sleep with me in my locked bedroom that night.

 

[Bonnie40]

Interesting that we haven't heard from the OP, because some clarification could really help people understand her rationale don't you think...?

 

[Pembo]

Do you lock the door when you have female houseguests? Men aren't the only ones who commit such a horrible crime.

 

[Mishetta]

I guess the only people who felt the OP did the right thing are the ones who were victimized in their lifetime from family members. I think you did a very sensible thing & you were discreet about your concerns which was a big plus. TRUST ME, for all those who think PrincessPumpkin went "overboard," she DID NOT. It will be the ones you least suspect.....

 

[Robinette]

Originally posted by Mishetta
It will be the ones you least suspect.....

Sad but very true

 

[Microcell]

I think that you could in the future encourage her to do so for modesty, but I think the ones you really should watch out for are the ones you get a gut feeling about. I have an Uncle who would NEVER harm me and I know it, my BIL on the other hand I do not allow DD alone with, to the point of my SIL getting irritated, so I am a believer of better safe than sorry. I keep telling myself only 12 years of protecting her from this guy without creating any family strife!- read, lying all the time about why she can't spend the night!

 

[Mskanga]

There are other ways to protect the children in the home , locked doors from inside the room is not one of them, I would rather make it a movie night and sleep on the floor in the livingroom than lock the door from inside the room. Trust me, I have seen fires started and in less than a minute the house is engulfed in flames, no time to knock down nothing.
Neither one of my kids rooms have locks on their doors.

 

[Ragmop]

It's a funny thing about your "gut" feelings, which may have been in play with the OP.

When I was growing up I had a single uncle who always hugged me too tight-nothing else, yet he gave me the "creeps". Lo and behold, when I was in college I overheard my Mom and her sister discussing him-apparently they did not know what had happened , but as a young adult he got into some sort of trouble. It was involving a female neighbor and the uncle(at 19 or so) was sent to live in another state with relatives.

Fast forward...he married a Mexican woman later in life and settled near the Texas-Mexico border. Well, one day my Mom teasingly told my boys(abot 6&8) she was going to take them on a vacation to visit this Uncle. I blew my top! I remembered all the creepy feelings he gave me and there was no way in Hell "o" my kids were visiting him. But because Mom knew none of the specificics of her brother's wrongdoing, she didn't think it important. .

 

[princesspumpkin]

Op here. Thanks everyone for your advice (whether I liked it or not ). First, this was an unexpected visit where BIL showed up at 2am unannounced. DD is an only child and we have never had a male relative spend the night before. He came with his dog so when DD asked about the locked door, I said it was to keep the dog out (Thank God for the innocence of children). I have no known incidents where BIL (or DH for that matter) have any history of sexual abuse, but from what I've seen and heard, most people who were abused were done so by a MALE relative (sometimes dads, but mostly unclees or cousins) or family friend. I'll take being called paranoid if it helps keep DD from years of therapy down the line.

 

[disneyjunkie]

Originally posted by princesspumpkin
I'll take being called paranoid if it helps keep DD from years of therapy down the line.

The paranoid behavior can lead to years of therapy. It's possible for your daughter to pick up on your fears which may lead to her fearing all men.

If that happens, how will she interact with other males in your family. What happens if she has a male teacher? How will she interact with male peers?

 

[princesspumpkin]

I don't keep my DD from interacting with men. She attends numerous family and friend functions with different male relatives and friends who she plays with. I am careful with my daughter's one-on-one interactions just like I am careful with her safety in other areas. Having a man spend the night in our house, while sleeping next door to DD ,was a little too close for comfort so I tried to make the best out of an uncomfortable (and potentially unsafe) situation.

 

[Mskanga]

from what I've seen and heard, most people who were abused were done so by a MALE relative (sometimes dads, but mostly unclees or cousins) or family friend.

Then with all due respect I guess you should start locking the door every night. I'm sorry but to stereotype your BIL with child abusers without the knowledge of any abuse on his part , was a little over the top, just because he's a male relative. You asked if you overreacted, my answer is yes. If I ever had the smallest indication that one of my relatives or friends was an abuser, they would not be in my house and my dh would know it right away and why.

 

[mum4jenn]

Putting the potential fire out of the way I say if it made you feel better then you should not let anyone make you feel bad. I am very protective of my dd also. I have not locked the door but we do not have people spend the night either.

 

[Lewski709]

How about next time someone sleeps over you make it special and let your DD sleep with you and DH? Or like another posted suggested, do movies and let her fall asleep in the living room on the floor and let the houseguest have her room (if they are sleeping on the couch)?

 

[goofy4tink]

Princesspumpkin....thanks for the second post. I was wondering if your dd is an only child. I have 3 kids...ds-30, dd-27 and dd-10. Two different dads here. Anyway. My ds was living at home for about 4 months while he found a new apt. He had started working in our home town and hadn't found an apt yet. He was living about 1 1/2 away. So, I told him he could live in the basement finished room. Well, we had friends over for a cook-out. They have a dd also, same age as my youngest. Have know them since childbirth class. The girls were in the basement with ds, just fooling around. He was tossing them onto the bed so that they could bounce. You could hear the yelling and laughter upstairs. Understand, my ds sits for dd all the time. He works with mentally/physically challenged adults. The girls called up to us to come see what they were doing. Down the other mom and I went. Well, the other mom was horrified!!! She kept her calm, but emailed me the next day from work. She told me that she was 'sure' that nothing was going on but I should be very careful about how my son plays with little girls. Said a lot of other mothers wouldn't be as 'understanding' as she. And that it was a good thing her dh hadn't seen what was going on!!! Welll, they didn't get asked back until ds left. I trust my ds implicitly. So, I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes those who have only children tend to be more overprotective than those of us with more than one. Is it right? No, not necessarily. But certainly not wrong. My answer, now that I've rambled on, would be to let my dd sleep with me and let dbil have a room to himself and some privacy. Kind of like a treat for dd.