How to handle male relative houseguests and child: Sensitive subject

[princesspumpkin]

After seeing so many Oprah shows and reading numerous articles on incest and child molestation, I am trying to be as cautious as possible with people around my DD-7. I know that I can't be everywhere all the time, but I am trying to protect her as much as possible when I can. Dh's brother came to visit a couple of weeks ago. First, I must state that I love DBIL and have never had any issues with him. I am not aware of any history of incest concerning him (or Dh for that matter). Still, I was super cautious when he came to stay with us for a week. One thing I did do was to lock DD's bedroom from the inside before I went to bed. Do you think that I was too paranoid? I didn't tell Dh what I was doing because I didn't want to offend anyone (but he did notice it and asked if she did it. I fessed up but fortunately, DH didn't ask why. Maybe we were on the same vibe). Have any of you done anything differently in your household when a male relative stayed in your house with your children there? DD knows about good and bad touch and things like that, but I feel that prevention is far better.

 

[Sleepy]

Unless there is something about him that you felt uncomfortable about.....such as they way he hugs or plays with your daughter, I am not so sure i would have gone as far as to lock her bedroom door. Locking it is not going to keep him out....unless it is a deadbolt or padlock. She is at an age where I am sure she must visit friends at their houses. She goes to school where she also has opportunities of being molested. I would worry about those people more than a relative. You do what you feel you need to to satisfy your own mind.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Hello princesspumpkin, welcome to the DIS. In answer to your question, I do think you may be a bit too paranoid. I can't imagine locking my daughter's bedroom door if my brother-in-law, whom I love, came to visit. Unless you have reason to believe that your BIL was a threat, and if you did believe that I wouldn't have had him stay at all, I think if I were your BIL and I found out, I would be highly insulted. I know these are scary times we live in, but for goodness sake, to suspect everyone would drive one crazy.

 

[JVL1018]

My BIL sometimes stays with us, and the thought that my children need protecting from him has never even crossed my mind. I'd say it's as likely to happen as my husband doing something to the kids--as in: it's not ever going to happen.
I am 100% comfortable leaving my kids with my 2 brothers and my husband's 2 brothers.

 

[Skywalker]

I'm very cautious too but frankly, I think you are going overboard here! This is a relative that you love. I know the unthinkable does sometimes happen, but that does not mean every man should walk around with a big "PP" (for potential pedophile) on their forehead!! I mean, would you never let a male relative babysit your daughter or ever be alone in the same room with her? I hope you did not tell your daughter what you were doing, you may make her suspicious of all men! Definitely you have to be smart but if your brother in law has never given you any reason to suspect anything I just can't understand this.

 

[padams]

Maybe you should quit watching Oprah and reading all of those articles...I think you are a bit paranoid. Do you want your DD to grow up being afraid of men, and particularly, her male relatives?

 

[WebmasterAlex]

I would just add one thing. I would take a minute and stop and THINK...is there some reason you did that with him.. or would you do that with any male? Sometimes our "sixth sense" is our best defense and should never be ignored. If you figure out that it is any male..than I think it's a bit over protective....

 

[Kallison]

Unless he is suspect - in which case you would not have him over -- yes you are being paranoid and way overboard. We all want to protect our kids but you can't go around suspecting everyone as a potential pedophile, that is just crazy.

 

[Lewski709]

Frankly. . . you went overboard, unless you have left something out of this story. I would be very offended and wouldn't be visiting your house much, if at all, in the future. If someone noticed you doing this, maybe you've created a label for yourself. This is really sad.

 

[pw2pp]

I think you are definitely being too paranoid and you should take that lock off of her door. A 7-year-old doesn't need a lock on her door anyway. My kids are teenagers and they don't have locks on their doors. Turn off the Oprah show.

 

[Aurora63]

I, too, think it was a bit overboard. If I were you, to ease your fears, I'd simply have a talk with my daughter, about what kind of touching is appropriate, and what is not, and for her to tell you if the "not appropriate" ever happens, even if the perp. threatens her.

I think there is more to it than you have told us, though. Not necessarily about your BIL, but, have you ever asked yourself why you are so overprotective of your daughter? Life is too short to spend all your time worrying about what might happen.

 

[Keli]

I think locking the door was a bit excessive if your BIL has never given you any reason to distrust him. I would not lock the door if it were my BILs or my brothers staying with us because I trusted those men completely with my dd.

 

[Bonnie40]

I have to agree with everyone's posts...I think you went overboard and hopefully your daughter wasn't made aware of what you were doing. It could certainly harm her relationship with her uncle!

 

[TigerBear]

Parents definitely need to protect their children. However, I agree with everyone else that your protective measures seem extreme. If there is no reason to question your BIL, is there maybe some issue in your life that is making you this cautious?

 

[HollyJoy]

It sounds as if you have reason to be uncomforable with him around your children if you took that extreme of a measure to protect your child from him. I think that you need to figure it out, and if you are that uncomfortable with him being ther e in your house in that situation, then he needs to go! It's just not a "normal" reaction to a family member.

 

[sunni]

I agree with the others that you need to figure out why you felt you needed to lock the door. Subconsciously there is a reason. Or perhaps you know why you did and just didn't share it here.

And quit watching Oprah and similar shows! If you're the paranoid type they aren't going to help you any.

 

[jfulcer]

Not to mention, in an emergency situation like a fire that locked door could be a real problem. When seconds are most important, you don't want to be fumbling with the lock.

I agree with the rest of the posters, that it was a little overboard. You should stop assuming that all of us males are wired 'wrong' and consider that some of us are awesome fathers, uncles, and cousins and would never hurt a single hair on our any little girl (or boy for that matter).

 

[sandramaac]

First of all, I would NEVER have a 7 year old lock their door from within the room. Suppose there was some sort of emergency--like a fire---try to knock down a locked door. You would never get in that room. Could you not simply leave your bedroom door open, or perhaps place the baby monitor in the room. Having a kid lock their door from within is one of the most insafe things I have ever heard of. And if you have that vibe, the next time make other arrangements for your bil, so you don't put your childs saftey in jeopardy

 

[ZacinIndy]

Actually, unless you have good reason to think that such things would happen,it sounds like you might be gender profiling. Just ask yourself how you would feel regardless of his gender, that's your answer.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to err on the side of caution, and since you were discreet in the way you handled it, I think you should lay your fears to rest. You adequately protected your child without hurting anyone's feelings, so no big.

 

[wdwdvcdad]

The "Oprahtization" of America is a sad thing. Stop looking for a boogieman behind every door. If you felt uncomfortable about him, he should bever been allowed in the house. Also, keeping these feelings from your husband is a sign that you have serious trust issues with him, as well.