How to handle Grandparents favoring one set of Grandkids over another?

[newdisneygal]

My in laws show some of favoritism towards the other grandchildren in my DH's family. I should more say that it is DH's mom doing this, DH's father is a little more aware, and I can see that he tries when it comes to my kids. I'll try to not make the background information too long.

DH is the oldest. DSIL has 3 children. We have 2, ages 8 and 12. We live about 4 hours away from his hometown. DSIL still lives in the hometown area, they are all within 20 minutes of each other. DSIL relies heavily on their parents for childcare.

From the time my children were born, my MIL has never really been as close to them as she was to DSIL's children. But we attributed this to us living so far away and the favoritism was not profound. I feel like we keep trying to be understanding of other family members situations, because we are lucky in many ways they are not. But, in return we seem to have accepted a lesser relationship with the grandparents.


I feel very frustrated with the entire thing, because I'm not willing to keep putting my kids into a situation where they are being left out. They have not said anything about it yet, but they are very smart kids and can see what's happening. My IL's are nice people and have a lot to offer my kids, and my children love their grandparents very much. I feel like my DH has to have a very frank discussion with his mom about the favoritism.
I would greatly appreciate any feedback on what to do. Any one have similar experiences?

I'd like to add that it probably sounds like I don't like my in laws, but I actually like them very much. Before all of the grandkids, we would do a lot together, and they were very good company. I know that my children are really missing out. I also love my DSIL and her kids, and this whole thing puts a huge strain on trying to have a relationship with her and our nephews and nieces. Thank you for reading.

 

[TAX GUY]

I've gone back and forth on whether or not I want to put my situation out there for feedback, and I thought it would probably be helpful to hear some opinions. After writing it out, the story is pretty detailed, so I decided not to post under my regular username.

This is where I stopped reading...


Whatever the situation is, good luck, I hope you get it resolved. Posting as an anonymous member to begin with shouldn't require setting up another user name, just so using general "DH" or "DS/DD" or "MIL/FIL" in which is NOT identifiable anyway....

 

[Happy Snowman]

I can tell you from experience that they won't change and nothing you do or don't do will change that. The kids know, they get it. YOu have a couple choices, either go, accept it is what it is, do your duty, go home or just stop going and putting yourself and your children into that situation. Your MIL sounds overly dependent on her DD and the reverse is probably true as well. It could also be that they just don't like you, your DH your kids, who knows. There is never a good outcome for situations like this.

In my case it was my mom--she played games like that my entire life but when she started doing that to my kids, end of relationship!

 

[newdisneygal]

This is where I stopped reading...


Whatever the situation is, good luck, I hope you get it resolved. Posting as an anonymous member to begin with shouldn't require setting up another user name, just so using general "DH" or "DS/DD" or "MIL/FIL" in which is NOT identifiable anyway....

 

[tink_lover]

Whatever your DH or you say or do to try to change the situation, it's not going to change. This is one of those, "it is what it is" situations. You can only change your behavior, reaction and how you will deal with it moving forward.

And yes, very similar situation to yours. Here's the most recent example - My DH went to his parent's house this past weekend to drop off something. Guess what? The entire family (BIL, SIL's, grandkids) were there celebrating the Jan, Feb, Mar birthdays. We didn't know the celebration existed and we have children with birthdays in those months. It used to bother me a lot, but now, I really don't care. My IL won't have a close relationships with my kids, but that is their choice.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

Your SIL is very dependant on her parents and I believe your MIL enjoys being needed. MIL probably also feels sorry because SIL does not have as easy a time of it as you (I believe she is a single mom with not husband in the picture if I read that right).

It is what it is and will probably not change. I would definitely spend the night at a hotel with a pool when you go visit. Then you have a place to get away.

My MIL was not close to my kids at all. I hate to sound mean, but it did not have a negative effect on my kids. We just never made a big deal out of it.

 

[Handbag Lady]

I'll give specifics of what occurs, and I'll try to be open to the possibility that I'm being overly sensitive, but I really do not believe I am. When we visit the inlaws, we usually stay one night because of the distance. Without a doubt, DSIL and her children will be there the majority of the time. She will go to her house to sleep for the night, but this will usually be after DH makes a stink about her going. IL's house is very small, and there's really not even enough room for just us. (I'll add here that the IL's want us to stay there). DSIL and children will be back out in the morning. MIL spends our entire visit interacting with DSIL's children (2 are younger than ours). MIL barely talks with my kids. She will have plenty to tell us about DSIL's kids, but rarely asks about my children's lives and activities. FIL does and I can tell that they perk up when he gives them attention. If we go out to dinner, MIL will sit with DSIL and her kids at one end of the table, our family and FIL at the other. This is every time, and DSIL comes with us every time. Over a year ago, we invited specifically just MIL and FIL out to dinner, and while I'm glad we tried, MIL was on the phone with DSIL the entire time, and we could tell everyone was offended with the invite.

I think this is where you're going wrong. It is their house and both you and SIL are guests. You can't "make a stink" about someone else leaving a house that isn't yours.

Next time, go with the flow. So what if the house isn't big enough? It is family, so you make do. Maybe your MIL is thrilled to have the family under one roof and here, you made someone leave. It could have rippling effects. The MIL is much closer to her other grandkids because she IS closer to them.

 

[tink_lover]

Disneybuckeye - we posted almost the same response!

 

[Mizzoufan]

Yeah, I agree I'm being overly worrisome about someone finding out it is me that wrote this. Some of the posts from my regular account reveal where I live, that's why I decided on a new username.

Maybe the best thing to happen is someone does find out it's you. Someone needs to know how you honestly feel, then maybe some progress can be made on all sides.

 

[newdisneygal]

I think this is where you're going wrong. It is their house and both you and SIL are guests. You can't "make a stink" about someone else leaving a house that isn't yours.

Next time, go with the flow. So what if the house isn't big enough? It is family, so you make do. Maybe your MIL is thrilled to have the family under one roof and here, you made someone leave. It could have rippling effects. The MIL is much closer to her other grandkids because she IS closer to them.

 

[newdisneygal]

Maybe the best thing to happen is someone does find out it's you. Someone needs to know how you honestly feel, then maybe some progress can be made on all sides.

I know this is true, but I don't feel like it should be me to communicate this to them.

 

[okeydokey]

I think you need to change your expectation of what the relationship will be because you are not going to change the in-laws.

When you go visit, you can't expect them to just visit with your family when the other family lives nearby. You can't tell them who they can and cannot have in their home. You can stay over the in-laws or get a hotel, but expect to see the SIL and her family. Decide to visit anyway or not to go.

If they babysit for you, you can't expect them to just have your kids in their home. It's their house. Once again, accept that and ask them to sit, or decide you don't want them to.

When you invite them to your own home, you can extend the invitation to just them as it is your house. If they decide not to come without the SIL and her kids, then they do.

It's sad, but there is nothing you can do about it.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

I think it's always impossible to be as close to grandkids who live 4 hours away as you are to those you see weekly or even more frequently. And I do think you're being unreasonable with your demand for 1 on 1 time with grandparents and JUST your kids (other than when it's at your house, that is).

 

[karen4546]

I am a grandmother of 3 beautiful grandchildren and I can tell you that even though I try not to show it outwardly - my first granddaughter has a special place in my heart. She has a new baby sister whom I love to pieces and my grandson is totally awesome but there is something about the first. I hope that I don't show any partiality to her, but I do find myself mentioning that maybe we can bring her to WDW with us this year or next. But she is the oldest and I will probably just wait until next year and bring them all.

On the other hand, my grandmother was closer to my Aunt's children because they lived right next door and the cousins could walk over to Grandmother's house everyday. I only visited a couple of time a month. With the cousins that close in proximity it is only natural to have a closer bond with them. I didn't have any ill feelings about it as a child, nor do I think I noticed. My mom may have noticed, but I never heard her mention it. Now that I am grown, I can completely understand Grandmother being closer to the cousins-no big deal.

Now, when I had children, I moved close to my grandmother and she baby sat for me regularly and she became very close to my own children. She would "brag" on my kiddos to my cousins. You know this one made the cheerleading team, or this one graduated with honors, etc. But, she would also "brag" on all her grand and great grand children. She was one proud grandma!!

If your ILs are not showing partiality to the grandkids when they are all together then I think you should not let it bother you so much. The grandchildren that live closer to her are going to get more attention because they are right there.

I would not let on to your children that you feel they are not getting the attention you want them to get. I would just enjoy the time with the ILs and leave it at that. Don't try to measure how much time the other grandkids get while your kids aren't there. Just let enjoy the visits that you do have.

 

[newdisneygal]

.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

You can't force closeness in a relationship that just isn't there. As much as you understandably wish it were different, it's not, so you have to deal with the reality of the situation. Adjust your expectations, limit contact, or if you think the situation is harmful to your children, cut ties... whatever you think is most appropriate given the circumstances. Making your MIL suddenly develop warm fuzzies for your kids is not something that's going to happen. It is what it is.

 

[Procrastinate]

Been there, done that, except from both sets of grandparents, and for a lot longer as my children are now adults. In my experience, it is never going to change. You can choose to accept it and continue to see them, or accept it and limit your visits. My parents and my MIL seem to love my children and like to hear how they are doing, but truly have little to no relationship with them. That was the grandparents choice, not ours. We still make the occasional required visit (long distance) for family events, but no longer expect either to come here despite frequent travel to visit the other grandchildren. I stopped inviting them to our events such as graduations because I knew there would be some excuse why they make it. As far as I can tell, our children are used to this arrangement and don't complain about it.

 

[newdisneygal]

I think it's always impossible to be as close to grandkids who live 4 hours away as you are to those you see weekly or even more frequently. And I do think you're being unreasonable with your demand for 1 on 1 time with grandparents and JUST your kids (other than when it's at your house, that is).

I don't expect them to be as close to my children as DSIL's. Like any parent would say, I have some pretty awesome kids that the in laws aren't really getting to know. And it's not because we are not trying.

 

[yoopermom]

It's a tough one.

Time can change things...

And this will be a learning experience for your children.

My DS has 3 sets of grandparents (mine are divorced and remarried, long ago). 2 of the 3 made a HUGE effort to be an active part of his life when he was young despite us living 4 hours from them. The 3rd set was always kind, but basically treated us like "just another relative".

Now that DS is an adult, and the 3rd set is at a different point in their lives, they are taking a MUCH more active role in his life. Because we were always calm and rational with them when he was younger (i.e. didn't turn it into "why don't you treat him like 1+2 do"), it is all smooth sailing. DS doesn't resent them for their earlier nonchalance, and he is appreciative of what they are able to give him now.

We have always tried to teach him that people give what they are able to, to whom they want to, at any one point in time, and it doesn't hurt anyone except yourself to take it personally. Things change, people change, so why dwell on the supposed hurt? Life is not fair, life is not even.

Terri

 

[lovin'fl]

From someone who had to drive 5-6 hours with my 3 little ones for visits with the family, the best advice I have is to get a hotel. We now live close to our family and my kids are all teens but when they were little we lived 5-6 hours away and I wish wish wish we would have just stayed in a hotel. We struggled a little bit financially, so that's why we didn't. But that cost would have been SSSSSSOOOOOOO worth it. As for all the stuff that bugs you...I get it but I will say that they (the inlaws) will never change so you need to figure out how you can live with it with the least amount of drama for you and your kids.