How to deal with difficult MIL who is dying?

[Jessd]

Sorry for the long story, and I guess a bit of ranting.

I have been married to DH for 13 years. I have always felt like an outsider with his family.

I have a very difficult MIL. Always has to be in control. She has cancer and has said that this is the end. She has been in the hospital constantly for the past two weeks. Chemo isn't working, she had a sugery last week that didn't help.

She is being heartless to DH and the rest of the family. She said that she has papers with a lawyer, but hasn't signed them. Nobody knows what is in them and she will not say. She doesn't have much assets, two kids are still in the house, BIL who is late 20's and SIL who is 20. She wants them to stay in the house after she dies. BIL's name is on the house so there is not an issue with the house. I don't think DH or older brother expect anything and they are fine with that.

The major problem is the way she is treating everyone. She is saying how she wants to be burried, no service, closed casket so not even immediate family can see her. She doesn't want anyone offering their condolences to her children, doesn't want anyone to go to "her" house after she is dead to visit with her children. Her reason is that people just want to eat and talk and if they aren't going to be talking about her the whole time then they don't need to be there. Now her children are grown. DH and his siblings range from 20 - 38 years old so it is not like they are little. She has enough insurance to bury her, but will not tell anyone who it is through or where her important papers are kept because that is "her" business.

DH feels helpless. She won't share any information with anyone, so what can anybody do? DH went over last night, older brother showed up with his wife and she refused to let her into the house because she isn't immediate family. They have been married for 9 years. I guess it hurt because that means that after 13 years with DH, I would not be welcome in her house either. I mean after my FIL died 4 years ago, me and BIL's wife did most of the arrangements for the funeral since she couldn't handle it. Now we aren't even good enough to be let into her house. DH had my son (11) with hiim when he went over last night and she wouldn't let him in the house either. She said he had to stay outside until someone picked him up. She said she was too weak to go through some bills for their business (DH and brother did invoices, they have an auto repair shop) but she was watching tv and yelling at everyone.

DH says he doens't know what to do, and I don't know what to tell him. He knows she is trying to control every little thing, even from beyond the grave. I don't know how to help him. He doesn't know what to do either. What do you do in a situation like this?

 

[Tiggeroo]

Hugs to you. Even though she's normally difficult I'd imagine alot of this is coming from the illness and fear. If you normally like to be in control an illness like this removes all control. She's trying to hold onto whatever control she can. There are ways to search for life insurance policies, but i'd imagine you can't do it until the person has passed. I'd just be there for your dh and his siblings, tolerate whatever she wants now. Perhaps as more time passes she will change her mind about the services.
Has hospice been called in? I believe they could have somebody work with her on her final wishes.

 

[agnes!]

First off . Sounds like you all need it.

Now, to be blunt...it does not MATTER what she "says". If she doesn't have her wishes codified in a legal document(will or trust), she can say whatever she wants...the STATE will come along and dispose of her assets. Her estate WILL go into probate, which is usually *not* a pretty picture. She can spout off whatever she likes(No funeral! No speaking to her adult children after her death! No reception!), but after she's gone?...what she says won't matter in a court of law.
(Btw, I think that as long as it doesn't cause problems, her wishes about the open/closed casket should be respected. And, if she doesn't want a funeral? Why don't you all throw a wake, a party where the dead person is remembered. I'm sure that everyone - family and friends - are aware of her prickly personality, people will understand her "no funeral" wish.)

Does she understand AT ALL that she is setting up a legal mess that won't be AT ALL what she seems to WANT? NOTHING will be done with her estate the way that she wants it to be done.

I second the recommendation to call in hospice, perhaps they can get her to clearly delineate her final wishes.

I somewhat understand that she is in complete and utter denial and that she is scared, but has she *always* been so difficult to this degree? She (almost) sounds unbalanced.

My sympathies.
agnes!

 

[Jessd]

MIL has always been a control freak. Everything has to be done her way. When we got married, I was pregnant. She wanted me to stay at my home and DH to live at his home so we would be legally married, living apart, but the baby wouldn't be born a (b******* insert fowl language here). Wasn't too happy when we got married and he moved out. I tell you, she is psycho. Has been from the first time I met her.

The house is in her name and BIL who is living at home. So won't that prevent the house from going into probate? They have several cars, most of them just sitting there. What do you have to do to prevent probate? She has papers on file with a lawyer, but said nothing is signed yet so I don't see how the papers would matter if she didn't sign anything.

She just doesn't understand everything involved. She thinks just because she wants things done her way, unless she legally provides for it, it just isn't going to happen.

She would hate the idea of a wake. All those people talking about her behind her back? She just doesn't understand that something like that is to help the family that she is leaving behind.

DH said she mentioned hospice, but as far as I know, nothing has been done. She won't share any information from the doctor, so we don't know what is really going on. She told DH she has 3 weeks. We don't know if this is coming from a doctor or from her own opinion.

 

[mickeyboat]

My MIL, who was wonderful BTW, passed away almost four years ago from cancer. She spent many years in treatment, and in remission, and in the end the cancer had spread too much, and she had been too weakened by the chemo to fight anymore.

I said she was a wonderful person, but the medicines, and the fear, and the pain took a toll on her sometimes, and although she tried hard to fight all of that, it came through in her personality. Please try to be as understanding as you can with her. She is going through something you can only imagine, enough to make the most balanced person "unbalanced."

To be honest, it seems strange to me that someone who wants to be so in control would let her after death arrangements and financial affairs be so out of control.

My MIL was adamant about a closed casket graveyard service, and we honored that request. But as her loved ones, we felt the need to see her at peace one last time, so she was embalmed and close family were allowed to come for a viewing. It was a nice compromise between our needs and her wishes. If she has such strong opinions, then the hospice person would be a great resource for her. Maybe she could meet with a funeral director and make some plans in advance as well.

Now, about the estate. Yes, it would be a mess if she does nothing. I have a suggestion which might be easier for everyone, if she is willing. Have her do a will leaving everything to a very trusted individual in the family. Have her instruct that family member as to who should get what. She can either make a list, or give verbal instructions as to whom each item should go. But if she is not willing, let it go. I think I would rather spend my last days talking about my life with my loved ones, and not about my things.

to you and your DH.

Denae

 

[N.Bailey]

I know you can't do it because you're not welcome in the house, but my best advise would be to encourage your DH to slip her some arsenic.

Kidding aside, I have no advice for you, but I can send a hug.

 

[NAB]

I to think she is just trying it stay in control of the things she can. Not sure if she had paper made up why she didn't sign them. If she had a will from before that is the one they will use.

My first husband didn't want anything done either but I wanted my last time with him and it haunts me to this day that I didn't do what he wanted.

Hope all will work out. Something else has to be going on in her mind that she won't even see her grandchildern.

 

[minkydog]

An unsigned will is just a piece of paper with her wishes on it. It's not that hard to get a will qualified even if it's done wrong. If her house is in her name AND BIL's name, it will go to him. If it's only in her name, then he doesn't own the house nor does he have a right to it.

As far as her behavior--she sounds like a nut has she always been like this or only recently? Could she have metastasis to the brain, perhaps? All you can do about her important papers is wait until she either shows them to you or she dies. After my dad died we found his invalid will and all the papers--including the one for $6000 insurance and $100,000 debt. No wonder he didn't want us to see his stuff.

 

[diznygirl]

My mother is nowhere near death currently, but she has stated that she doesn't want a wake cuz, "if no one comes to see me while I'm alive, then why should they visit me when I'm dead!" So, there will be a funeral and a burial, but no wake. To put a more positive spin on it , it will be treated as "the family is having a small private funeral"

As for her behavior...death does funny things to the person. Let her children handle it, and just help from the sidelines. If they can convince her or her lawyer to let them in on a few secrets, great. If not, what happens, happens. Say the Serenity Prayer and take deep breaths!!!

Hugs to you!

 

[Maleficent13]

to you

 

[miss missy]

Be humane is all you can do. Can't change her, cdon't fight it. It is a sad reality that this is how she wants it to end, but it clearly is. Just don't get caught up in anything because you have no control over it. Let the pieces fall were they fall... I know it is hard, but it is all you can do. Don't act from your feelings here, act from your head.

Poor lady is miserable and seems she always was. That is the sad reality you all must accept right now. It is what it is with her.

Sorry you have to deal with this

 

[Snowysmom]

It sounds like your MIL has always been a control freak. The fear and pain of being terminally ill probably makes her feel like she needs to be more in control of at least something. She can't control her health or her death. However, she does need to make her wishes known now and unsigned papers at a lawyer's office are not worth too much. If the house is in her name and BIL, BIL gets the house upon her death. Maybe the family can compromise between what she wants for funeral services and what the family would like. It is a tough situation!

 

[agnes!]

The house is in her name and BIL who is living at home. So won't that prevent the house from going into probate? They have several cars, most of them just sitting there. What do you have to do to prevent probate? She has papers on file with a lawyer, but said nothing is signed yet so I don't see how the papers would matter if she didn't sign anything.

She just doesn't understand everything involved. She thinks just because she wants things done her way, unless she legally provides for it, it just isn't going to happen.

She would hate the idea of a wake. All those people talking about her behind her back? She just doesn't understand that something like that is to help the family that she is leaving behind.

DH said she mentioned hospice, but as far as I know, nothing has been done. She won't share any information from the doctor, so we don't know what is really going on. She told DH she has 3 weeks. We don't know if this is coming from a doctor or from her own opinion.

Having "papers" on "file" is legally meaningless.

Wow...I do wonder if/how you could possibly find out the truth about her medical diagnosis. She says that she has "3 weeks"...can you really trust this woman to tell you the truth? Could the doctors actually be giving her a longer time to live?

A couple of ideas...
*Call hospice, see if they can be of any help.
*Sit down with her doctor, acknowledge the confidentiality laws but also tell him/her that no one seems to know the actual truth of what's going on.
*Is there ANYONE in the family that she might actually listen to? Maybe your DH's brother(eldest son perhaps?)? Can he *possibly* go in with your DH(*only* the two of them!, no spouses, no pesky grandchildren lol) and talk to your MIL about these issues? If she's a such a control freak, I really don't understand *why* she is leaving her funeral plans, will, final wishes, etc. in such a disorganized mess.
*Talk to a family law attorney. Make sure that BIL can stay in the house, since that is your MIL's wish, make sure he can keep the cars, etc.

Keep her in your prayers. This woman really needs them.
agnes!

 

[mickeyboat]

If the house is in her name and BIL, BIL gets the house upon her death.

Be careful assuming this. It depends on "how" the property is held whether the BIL will get it after MIL's death (ie as joint tenants with right of survivorship). If they don't "hold" the property in the proper form, someone else may still have an interest in the house after she dies.

Denae

 

[froglady]

My MIL was adamant about a closed casket graveyard service, and we honored that request. But as her loved ones, we felt the need to see her at peace one last time, so she was embalmed and close family were allowed to come for a viewing. It was a nice compromise between our needs and her wishes. If she has such strong opinions, then the hospice person would be a great resource for her. Maybe she could meet with a funeral director and make some plans in advance as well.

Denae

If only the family is going to see the body, it does NOT have to be embalmed. It DOES have to be refrigerated, and brought out just prior to the family's arrival. This is what we did with my father prior to his cremation. We all said our final good-bye in a small, private viewing.

We then had a memorial service in church at our convenience, and DM and I transported his ashes to the family plot at a later time.

The whole cost, including my mother's matching urn, plane tickets, hotel, flowers, church, food, opening grave, etc was less than $5,000.

 

[nana2tots]

Sounds like my Freaky, have to have control MIL, Heck, she will probaly have a Freaking Heart attack when she finds out that we have already been to WDW and back.

 

[Disney Doll]

As far as her wishes for her burial, I would honor them as much as you can, meaning a closed casket after family who chooses to view her view her. As far as what goes on at the house...I think you should do whatever helps you guys feel most at ease. Funerals are for the living, not the dead person. If it will make your DH and his sibs feel better about having a funeral and some sort of funeral luncheon, then by all means do so. By the same token, if they would be fine with her dying and having just a small private event with only close family, then do that. It's not like she's going to rise up and come back if you do have a funeral luncheon at her house. Once she's dead, her control is gone. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true. Honor her wishes as best you can while also giving the living what they need. Consider burying her privately and having a memorial service later so DH & sibs can get the support from friends and family.

As far as her behavior...you say she's always been nasty & a control freak, so this behavior shouldn't come as a huge surprise. She's basically behaving no differently than she has in the past, the only difference is now you know her time is limited, and you are all hoping for one of those "Hallmark" moments where Mom tells everyone she loves them and it's a beautiful scene...well, that ain't happening. Most people die like they lived. If they were kooky & nasty in life, they will be the same as they lay dying.

As far as legalities and paperwork...not much anyone can do about that unless she chooses to share the info with someone. I would probably contact my own attorney and explain the situation and get some heads up info on what the possible scenarios could be and the ramifications of each. For example...if the house is equally in MIL's and BIL's name, then can he stay? What about 20 y/o SIL? What happens to her? Can other BIL toss her if he does legally "own" the house once MIL dies? What if the house isn't in BIL's name? If MIL has no will, what actually happens to her estate? Does it all go to the state, do they get a chunk and then the rest gets divided? What happens if she dies with debt? How does that get paid? I'd probably give the attorney as much detail about the situation as possible so he/she could give me all the possible scenarios. That's probably about as prepared as you can be at this point.

As far as her health status, HIPAA only allows so much info to be given out, and none if the patient says no.

I'd sic her favorite child on her to try and get some info.

 

[Puffy2]

Your MIL is probably scared - the more scared we are the harder we try to control every little detail. Truth is, the closer it comes the less like she will feel like fighting with everyone she comes into contact with. When it comes right down to it, it's her end of life, she has every right to make all these decisions (or not make them) if she wants.

How to handle it? Back off. Your husband should let her know that "he loves her and he is here for her for anything she needs - how ever you want to "plan" things mom, is alright with me...would you like any assistance with anything right now?" If she rebuffs him, He can show his support (daily phone calls, visits, cards and notes) while still letting her handle her own affairs for as long as she can. If that means that the estate is left in a mess, so be it.

 

[poohandwendy]

Be humane is all you can do. Can't change her, cdon't fight it. It is a sad reality that this is how she wants it to end, but it clearly is. Just don't get caught up in anything because you have no control over it. Let the pieces fall were they fall... I know it is hard, but it is all you can do. Don't act from your feelings here, act from your head.

Poor lady is miserable and seems she always was. That is the sad reality you all must accept right now. It is what it is with her.

Sorry you have to deal with this

i wholeheartedly agree. It is the end of her life and if this is how she wants it to be, so be it. It is tragic, but I would advise stepping back, letting her have her say and then do what you feel is necessary after she passes.

It's so sad. Wouldn't it be nice if the end of life were as peaceful as possible, full of sharing memories, saying goodbye and expressing love for each other? In the real world it just does not go that way all of the time. Some poeple go kicking and screaming. Take a person who has issues on a good day and add pain, doctors/hospitals, fear of death and I imagine it just amplifies the bad traits sometimes.
I will just say a prayer for her and all involved...

 

[lbgraves]

So sorry that you & DH are having to go thru this. I agree with everyone who has said the medications make the cancer patient very hard to live with at times. My MIL has battled stage 4 colon cancer for over 4 years now. I have become very close to her during this time BUT she will still call me out of the blue & "dump" on me because I am one of the few who do keep in touch with her. She will call back a couple days later and appologize. The chemo drugs really mess with her mind. I know that you haven't had a great relationship with her before this, but this is probably making it worse.