How to avoid hurt feeling re: party invitation?

[Partridge4ever]

I agonized over this last year, too. DD will be 11 and wants a slumber party. There are 3 friends who don't go to her school that she really wants to invite and 4 friends from her class, making a total of 8 girls. This means there will be 4 girls in the class not invited. Small school w/only one class per grade. I hate hurting these girls' feelings. I'm tempted to avoid the issue by inviting everyone. But DD and I feel that 12 girls is just too many. She doesn't want mass chaos at the party. They couldn't even all sleep in the same room, so there'd be an argument over who slept where.

DD knows to keep quiet about the party, but I'm not so sure about the others. I know they'll end up whispering about it, making the left out girls feel even worse. I thought about calling the moms of the 4 invited girls 2 weeks before and telling them about the party, explaining that we can't invite everyone so we'd like to keep it quiet. That way the moms can "save the date" and then tell their girls closer to the actual date. Does this sound like a good plan?

 

[KimR]

That's might work but keep in mind that the girls will likely be talking about the party at school afterwards, so the uninvited girls might catch wind of it anyway. Is it possible to have 2 separate parties?

 

[sugarpie]

I think telling kids that age to keep a secret like that is asking for trouble. I don't know what the answer is, but I'm not sure that would work, either.

 

[lulugirl]

No matter what you do the uninvited four girls will find out about the party. I would try to find a way to invite all of them.

 

[noseybuddy]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

 

[VirtuallyMe]

There is probably no way to avoid hurt feelings when the class is that small.

I attended a school with only 12 girls in the class and saw the hurt in the 1-2 girls left out of some parties- of course with only having half the girls it isn't as bad- but still you will end up with the girls mentioning the party after even if they manage not to discuss it before.

Is there any way you can move furniture to provide room for the 12 girls to all sleep in the same room- I know- it won't solve all the problems- groups of little girls who are the best of friends tend to find something to squabble about at a sleepover no matter how much you plan...

also- do these other girls that do not attend school with dd get along with the girls she goes to school with- one of my daughters had friends from many different places and invited them all to a skating party and had a difficult time because they all thought she was their best friend and wanted all her attention the entire party and she had a miserable time...

have you considered two sleep overs- one with school friends- and one with others- or perhaps instead of a sleep over- you could just have a late night pj party- all the fun of a sleep over but the girls go home at 1-2 am instead and you get to sleep some...

Good luck either way

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

I have to agree with this. I hate to, but I do. I myself would probably end up inviting them all just to avoid the problem, but this is actually better advice.

 

[Partridge4ever]

I agree that asking the girls to keep it a secret is the quickest way to have them blab. I wasn't actually planning on keeping it a secret. I just didn't want it to be the talk of the class for two whole weeks leading up to it. I was thinking the moms could tell their girls a few days before.

I thought about having the party in the summer, but DD really wants it on her birthday. I thought about having a regular "invite the world" party now and then the slumber party in the summer, but then I really don't want 2 parties. And to be honest, while I want to avoid hurting other people's feelings, I'm kind of tired of my DD being the one who sacrifices what SHE really wants. She's had her ups and downs with the girls in this class and this is the happiest she's been since 2nd grade.

 

[lg3]

No matter what you do the uninvited four girls will find out about the party. I would try to find a way to invite all of them.

IA. Why start trouble/hurt feelings? Girls especially need to feel included and I don't see any valid reason to exclude the other girls. 10/11 is too early to start this IMO.

 

[KimR]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

This is true. Also, I think not inviting 4 girls is compeltely different than if it were just one girl left out.

 

[Partridge4ever]

Is there any way you can move furniture to provide room for the 12 girls to all sleep in the same room- I know- it won't solve all the problems- groups of little girls who are the best of friends tend to find something to squabble about at a sleepover no matter how much you plan...

also- do these other girls that do not attend school with dd get along with the girls she goes to school with- one of my daughters had friends from many different places and invited them all to a skating party and had a difficult time because they all thought she was their best friend and wanted all her attention the entire party and she had a miserable time..."

We're moving furniture to accomodate the 8. What you described that happened at your daughter's skate party is exactly what will happen if we invite all 12...they're going to section off into small groups and DD will be torn.

 

[ilovejack02]

I thought about having the party in the summer, but DD really wants it on her birthday. I thought about having a regular "invite the world" party now and then the slumber party in the summer, but then I really don't want 2 parties. And to be honest, while I want to avoid hurting other people's feelings, I'm kind of tired of my DD being the one who sacrifices what SHE really wants. She's had her ups and downs with the girls in this class and this is the happiest she's been since 2nd grade.

Then dont make her sacrifice what she wants. You can go with the original plans of the save the date talk with moms and let them know that you dont want the other girls feelings hurt. Also when girls get to the party , you could mention, how about lets not rub it in the other girl's face that we couldnt have the whole class to party and leave it at that.

 

[famofsix]

It's a sleepover. If my daughter wasn't invited I would just say the family probably didn't have space for everyone. Since it is four other girls I think it is okay for your daughter to just choose her closest friends. If it was only one other girl that might be a bad situation.
Your daughter could tell her school friends if they ask that her mom made her limit her friends to a certian amount for the sleepover and if she could have she would have invited everyone.
There was a party here that the mom had all the school friends go to and then only a few slept over. IMO that was worse because the other girls felt bad being at a party they had to leave.

 

[famofsix]

.

Just press the quote button and don't eliminate the quote thingie before and after the stuff you are quoting

 

[Maleficent13]

Perhaps I will understand this better when DD is school aged, but when I was in elementary school, kids never invited the whole class. You invited your friends, they came, you partied, it was over. How did this get changed?

 

[Partridge4ever]

Just press the quote button and don't eliminate the quote thingie before and after the stuff you are quoting

Aha! Thank you!

 

[poohandwendy]

Well I never believed in inviting all the girls in the class. Does your DD hang out with these other girls. If not, then I don't see why they should be invited. Life is full of disappointments. This is just one of them. The girls will get over it. If they are not real friendly with your DD then they shouldn't expect to be invited.

I agree with this. To be honest, I think trying to make it a secret is more hurtful in the long run...it basically screams "I didn't invite you and I know you will be hurt by this so we are keeping it a secret from you". There is NO way all of the girls will 'keep the secret' (heck, the mothers probably won't all keep it a secret, even if you tell them to) and there being a secret will make the other girls feel left out on two levels...the party AND the secret.

There comes a point where all kids have to accept that they will not be included in every party invite. I do not think 10 is too young for that. I would just arm DD with an appropriate response if she is confronted by the other girls. Ie "I really wish I could have invited more people, but we don't have enough space" or something.

I just think it's best not to make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. There is a party and she is limited as to how many she can invite, nothing more.

JMHO

 

[asta]

I have two daughters (15 and 18) and a lot of birthday/slumber party experience. I can't tell you how strongly that I would advise you to invite all of the girls in her class. It is never worth hurting someones feelings. Think of how your daughter would feel if she happens to ever be the one left out. I know this is not your intent but many times I have seen girls this age use parties and invitations as a weapon to hurt others. It may not even be the one having the party but one of the other girls who uses the party as a way to feel better at someone elses expense.

 

[VirtuallyMe]

The "invite" them all came out from the fact that now a days you can't hand out invitations at schools that aren't everyone in the class or all boys/all girls in the class and the fact that most no longer have street adresses for all the kids anymore- so difficult to mail them out...

That and when you have a small number of girls in a class it does make it harder- but really- with her not inviting half the girls it isn't like she is singling one or two out but really just inviting her closest friends.

I agree with previous poster- to arm your daughter with something to say if asked about it from others...

I actually had a problem when I turned 10 where I switched schools and wanted to invite new and old friends- but also wanted to have them all at a party- mom felt we could have one big party with everyone (boys and girls) and then just have a few 10 or so of my close friends sleep over- word got out- girls got upset and instead of cancelling the sleepover- mom said to invite all the girls- so we had 30 girls sleeping over at my house lol- luckily we had the space in an unused portion of the house but otherwise we probably would have just cancelled the entire thing

 

[Tiggeroo]

the problem is your dd's school is so small. Can you do a cake party in the daytime with only a the four girls spending the night. Explain that your dd had a limit on the number who could sleep over due to space?