How strongly do you self identify as a "mom"?

[Buckalew11]

Hi back ! I never tried to imply that screen names had a direct correlation with anything, merely that the number of screen names with "mom" in it got me wondering about this wierd and wonderfull topic. Actually the "from Boise" part came about because there was another active Judy(Judi) poster when I joined who was from DC.I just didn't want people to get confused !

I know you didn't imply that but DisyKat asked about it so I answered. Plus, that seemed to be the direction that some were taking the thread. Of course, there were a hundred other directions also, lol.

Plus I know you are a loving a devoted mom in RL. So, I know that wasn't what this was about. Otherwise, it is just all here and there and everywhere. LOL

So are you suggesting you are living a lie and you are not really from Boise????










........
(just kidding! But no really--where are you from?)

She's from Boise, , really.

Who's on first? What's on second and I don't know is on third.

 

[luvmy3]

Everyone's life has seasons--and if you have children that is the season you are in. I get that we shouldn't neglect the spouse--but I didn't create him nor did I deliver them. Doesn't mean that I bend over backwards and avoid him for the sake of the kids either.



Me too.

Exactly. I don't understand how someone could get the notion that because a mom puts her kids first that her husband and marriage are now being neglected. Its just the opposite, our marriage has changed for the better with the addition of our kids. Trust me dh is far from neglected

 

[Papa Deuce]

As a "dad", I say #1.

Everything else is almost a very distant 2nd. Even as a husband. Sure, I love my wife, but she would be just fine w/o me, and me w/o her. We're self sufficient.

I was laid off 2 weeks ago after almost 18 years at the same job. I am in no hurry to go back to a job. Right now it is ALL about spending quality time with the family. For all of my daughter's lives, I have worked night shift. In an average week, I "maybe" saw them 10 - 12 hours.

Life is so much better now. I'm seeing them differently now, and I'm loving what I am seeing.

For the third straight year - and my kids are in 3rd grade - I have had a teacher send a note home telling me how much she loves my daughter. That tells me that I am - with my wife, of course - raising them well. (My other daughter is just as nice and well behaved, but far more reserved and shy ).

Bing a dad is what counts.

BTW, "Papa Deuce" = Father of 2... so I have "dad" in my DIS name.

 

[disykat]

My name IS Lisa...but I don't "love" Pooh.
.

Can I quote you on that?

 

[disykat]

I just had another horrifying thought. I named my self "dis"ykat for the DIS. I've just gotten over a year-long inner ear virus where I really struggled with vertigo. Do you think I asked for it by identifying myself as disy?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My screenname was the nickname for my twins when they were very little. One said her name was Peanut if you asked her, the other couldn't pronounce his long name at the time, so would say "I am Me". As kind of a family joke, we nicknamed them Pea and Me (in case anyone was wondering).

Right now, my role as mother is my most important role. That became abundantly clear to me when I had cancer.

But being a nurse is a very close second. For me, it is a calling and it defines me as much as being a mother does. I was a nurse before my kids were born, and I'll be one after they're grown and gone. But my patients do not depend on ME, that's the difference.

The work I do in both roles is important work.

As a matter of fact, a wise nurse I once knew told me that being a nurse is a lot like being a mother. And I agree. (And I agree that not everyone may embrace it that much, which is fine also.)

Disykat, I definitely could have called myself something related to my dogs, my hobbies, where I live, etc. Funny, though, I have no desire to use nurse in my name (nor join nurse discussion boards, etc) - go figure. I enjoy seeing some of the names people come up with.

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

Good Lord. Since when does putting one's own fleash and blood as the top priority equate to treating their spouse like a child or outcast?

This is not directed at you or anyone else, but I think self absorbed people are the ones that need to get their neurons clicking before they bring an innocent child into the world that they don't consider their top priority. My Sister and BIL didn't have children because they wanted to be able to put each other and their marriage first. It was a good choice for them and probably would be for others.

dsny1mom

I don't think people who choose not to have children are self-absorbed. I think they actually put thought into it. Having children is not a badge of honor - it's a solemn, awesome responsibility that too few people actually have conversations about before actually going ahead and procreating. I commend anyone who chooses to or not to have children - because they've actually thought about it and made a decision rather than just doing it because everyone else is or to fill a void.

I think some people are not understanding what the point of the OP's comment was. Some people can only identify themselves as mothers. It certainly doesn't mean they're better mothers (or worse mothers). It means that that's all they are about. And, when someone questions whether or not there is more substance behind them than just being mommy, they get all defensive rather than really thinking through all the different components that make them who they are.

A previous poster stated that men should be able to care of themselves and the children should be the priority. All the people in my life are a priority (including myself) and I take care of all the people in my life as I wish to be taken care of. It's a gentle give and take and that's the way people who love each other should behave.

This conversation can go round and round and what we get are childish comments about what's in people's screennames like we're back in 5th grade (always cracks me up when adults act like they're 10 while telling the world what excellent parents they are) because having a grown up conversation is too difficult for some.

I believe there are plenty of fantastic, hands on parents who do not have to be so wrapped up in their children they lose sight of themselves, their relationships, their friends, anything, for that matter. I think happy adults who set the example for their children by living their lives fully, with joy and love and without regrets help raise a generation of strong, capable, independent adults who will lead productive and happy lives.

 

[ems_mom]

I haven't read all the responses, but I'm sure the opinions are all over the map. As it should be.

We are all different...cultures, backgrounds, upbringings, education...you name it. Of course we will view the "mom" appellation differently.

My views are evident by my user name. I am the proud parent of one, but my DH and I spent years trying for another using the best science could offer. Alas, it was not to be.

I do feel blessed (I'd comment more but...) to have my wonderful daughter. As much as I identify as a "mom", I've always wanted her to be independent. She spent her high school summers living (with grandparents) and working at the beach. She went away for college, living on or near campus during school, and back to the beach for summer breaks. Essentiallly, she left home for good at 17, and hasn't been back since (to live).

Through all those years and up until today we are as close as ever. She calls daily on her way to work, even if all we do is say hi and love you. But I'm still available for long chats about her boss, coworkers, boyfriends, etc. My own mother was very distant from me; I'm sure that colours my viewpoint.

I hope we could be open to all the definitions and viewpoints of motherhood or "mom". Whether you have one child or six; whether you have a six-figure career or you are a SAHM, you all (we all ) love our children.

 

[MAKmom]

I still had 2 in diapers when I started using MAKmom on the old WB Board. I kept it when I found the Dis. Yes it was how I thought of myself for many years & it is in my top 5.

They are all teengers & 20 something now. I needed a screen name for a cruise board...Makmom was taken & it was not me evidently. I did not know what to do. DH said use GraniteLady so I did. That is what consumes my life now

 

[disykat]

This conversation can go round and round and what we get are childish comments about what's in people's screennames like we're back in 5th grade (always cracks me up when adults act like they're 10 while telling the world what excellent parents they are) because having a grown up conversation is too difficult for some.

.

I guess I've been told! (I've been talking about screen names since it WAS mentioned in the OP)

Anyway, I do understand the OPs point about identifying strongly (or not) with being a mom - and it is an interesting topic in itself. The part that is amusing to me is assigning some high degree of importance to screen names and using it to analyse people's priorities in life. I don't see a correlation. Threads are often able to carry several strains of conversation and survive. There are several strains here - the issue of the importance of motherhood in how you see yourself, and the less serious issue as to whether your screenname describes who you are. Both are valid topics and both were brought up for conversation in the OP.

 

[dsny1mom]

I don't think people who choose not to have children are self-absorbed. I think they actually put thought into it. Having children is not a badge of honor - it's a solemn, awesome responsibility that too few people actually have conversations about before actually going ahead and procreating. I commend anyone who chooses to or not to have children - because they've actually thought about it and made a decision rather than just doing it because everyone else is or to fill a void.

I think some people are not understanding what the point of the OP's comment was. Some people can only identify themselves as mothers. It certainly doesn't mean they're better mothers (or worse mothers). It means that that's all they are about. And, when someone questions whether or not there is more substance behind them than just being mommy, they get all defensive rather than really thinking through all the different components that make them who they are.

A previous poster stated that men should be able to care of themselves and the children should be the priority. All the people in my life are a priority (including myself) and I take care of all the people in my life as I wish to be taken care of. It's a gentle give and take and that's the way people who love each other should behave.

This conversation can go round and round and what we get are childish comments about what's in people's screennames like we're back in 5th grade (always cracks me up when adults act like they're 10 while telling the world what excellent parents they are) because having a grown up conversation is too difficult for some.

I believe there are plenty of fantastic, hands on parents who do not have to be so wrapped up in their children they lose sight of themselves, their relationships, their friends, anything, for that matter. I think happy adults who set the example for their children by living their lives fully, with joy and love and without regrets help raise a generation of strong, capable, independent adults who will lead productive and happy lives.

My Sis and BIL are self absorbed people and they are first to admit it. BTW I did not say that people that don't have children are self absorbed. What I did say is those people that are self absorbed need to think long and hard about being a parent. Big differance.

I did read the post from the mom that stated her DH is an adult and can take care of himself. I agree with her. If my DH had wanted to go out to dinner beacuse he had a taste for a nice filet on a night when one of our children had an event we were to attend then Dh would have had to wait til the next night to have that steak with me. Thankfully my DH was a great father that knew how short lived being a parent of a young child is and wanted our children to be #1 in our lives.

I guess I don't get where you got the impression that people posting about being a mom first are so wrapped up in their children that they have lost sight of themsleves. Surely not just because they have mom in their screen name.

As a mother who has put her children first all of their lives I 'have" raised strong, independant, children that are now adults that lead happy productive lives. And I came through it all better than I was before.

BTW it was my DH that came up with the screen name (about 15 years ago) I use to this day.

dsny1mom

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I guess I've been told! (I've been talking about screen names since it WAS mentioned in the OP)

Anyway, I do understand the OPs point about identifying strongly (or not) with being a mom - and it is an interesting topic in itself. The part that is amusing to me is assigning some high degree of importance to screen names and using it to analyse people's priorities in life. I don't see a correlation. Threads are often able to carry several strains of conversation and survive. There are several strains here - the issue of the importance of motherhood in how you see yourself, and the less serious issue as to whether your screenname describes who you are. Both are valid topics and both were brought up for conversation in the OP.

No, not you. My comment was directed at someone making a snide remark about mine rather than discussing the actual topic. I actually thought your post about being "disy" and vertigo to be funny - not you having vertigo, but the correlation between the two...you know what I mean. I lurked for a while before finally buying into dvc and I wanted to post a question and had to sign up and that's what popped in my mind. I think maybe what the OP means is that your screenname is something that pops in your mind first, and for many, many people, "MOM" seems to be the first thing that pops in their mind. And, if it's the first thing that pops in one's mind, does that define who they are?

I find this topic fascinating. It's such an interesting survey in sociology and behavior to see people's responses when challenged on life's choices. And, I just wish that people would actually discuss like mature adults rather than behave like children by name calling. I'm sorry I didn't make myself clearer.

 

[Becky2005]

It would definitely be Top 5 -- probably 1.

It's more than likely because I'm also known as "so & so's mom" a lot. Probably because 90% of what I do is just running the kids around so the circles I hang out in are with the other moms. I don't necessarily know all the other's first names nor do they probably remember mine but I know which kid belongs to them.

 

[AustinTink]

BTW I did not say that people that don't have children are self absorbed. What I did say is those people that are self absorbed need to think long and hard about being a parent. Big differance.


dsny1mom

Since I'm the only one who mentioned being self-absorbed before motherhood, I guess I'll answer this. Yes, I was self-absorbed, who isn't, because before you have kids who really NEEDS you for survival? Nobody. People in your life can enjoy your company and feel your love but never truly depend on you the way a child does. The parent-child relationship shifted my priorities. And no, I don't believe I needed to have "my neurons checked" before having my child, simply because I came first in my life.

 

[Jakesmom1]

I've had a career most of my adult life, but Ive only been a mom for 15 years to my DS. Maybe because I had him later in life or maybe because he is my only child, either way, he is the most important part of me, my career is my job but my son is a reflection of me.

I guess when I picked my screen name years ago, I never really thought about it defining me, I dont think it necessarily does, but it just seemed right.

 

[Becky2005]

Everyone talks about the magical moment when the baby is handed to you, but I didn't have that.

I just wanted to let you know that's OK. I have four kids and with each of them, I never had a magical moment when they were born either. Then again, I was probably a weird mom because all I kept thinking was "you can take them away now and give them back to me when they are all nice & clean thank you very much".

In my case, it was an adjustment and getting attached/used to them once they were a real live person vs. just waiting to be born. Just like any transition. I wouldn't trade any of them in for the world but other than my 3rd kid because he had such a big head and was over 9 pounds when he was born so he was just big, I always knew instantly that was him even before checking ID bands -- they could have given me another baby at some point of my hospital stay & I'm not even sure I would have been able to tell at that point.

So, even though I identify as a mom now, there was no instantanous magical moment for me either. I just wanted to let you know you aren't the only one.

 

[SCHBR'smom]

Well, I felt I needed to post cause I am one of the guilty parties. I picked my screen name because I couldn't think of anything else and I noticed others used mom, so why not? I probably am one of the moms more wrapped up in their children. My life does revolve around them. I introduce myself as Kerrie, but I still get referred to as "S's"mom, etc. But, I never lose sight of the fact that we are raising them to be independent people. One day we will send them out into the world on their own, and they need to be able to take care of themselves. I am well aware of the fact that one day it will only be DH and I again. And, I look forward to that day with sadness and joy.

I don't think anything of someone's username, its just a screen name to me. I don't think mentioning I'm a mom in mine makes any difference to anyone. It simply shows my lack of imagination.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I will admit I didn't read the entire thread, but being a mom is the FIRST thing I would mention about myself. I was a person before my DD was born, and I'll be some form of that person again when she's grown and on her own, but in the meantime, it is all about my role as her mom. It's the one thing I've always wanted, my entire life, and I think I'm good at it. We only have them in our homes for a finite number of years, so I need to know I've done well by her. Being the mother of an only child I am wrapped up her in life and I know I need to loosen the apron strings and it's something I work on daily. FWIW, I will never apologize for making my child the center of my life.

 

[PollyannaMom]

....but I can't recall one post where a woman said her marriage took top billing (although I know some posters alluded to it) and I can't believe every mother posting on this thread is a single parent. And, part of me wonders if ignoring one's marriage and being mommy and mommy alone is the reason why there is no marriage. A marriage needs attention and love and it should be something of a partnership - my husband is a whole heck of a lot more than a sperm donor...why even bother getting married or having a partner (I also realize many children are raised by two loving partners who are not allowed to get married, which is crap but a subject for another thread) if you don't plan to nurture the relationship....

I don't think putting your kids first has to mean totally ignoring your marriage, or that all of us who use "Mom" in our names do that. Kids do change what gets done first, what gets worked around, but you can be in it together. Like someone else mentioned, DH and I both put DS first, but we also both remember that the intensity of parenting changes over time, and that someday we'll very likely feel this stage (even though we're not "first" in it) was too short.

My own Mom once explained it to me this way: "Before you were born, if there was only one hot dog in the house to eat, your father and I would have split it equally, but after you were born, we would have given the whole thing to you." -- And, in spite of putting me (and later my brother as well) first, they had a very affectionate marriage that I greatly admired. (I say "had" only because she passed away from cancer several years ago. They were still married at the time.)

I'm not one of the ones who says my life began when DS was born. I did a lot before I was ready to be a mom, and a lot of things that shaped my personality happened long before he arrived. But I am enjoying and growing from this stage in my life just as much, and it does define me best right now.

 

[Feralpeg]

Being a mom would be the first thing I would put on my list.