How similar was your upbringing

[binny]

to your Spouses or mates?


Ours were completely different. Almost to the extreme, actually. I grew up in a family that was close and loving and stuck together no matter what. We had problems dont get me wrong but we were, and continue to be, very close. He grew up in a family that spent a lot of time apart and didnt have the same type of community feeling. I try to see my brothers (or they come to see us) at least once a year, whereas I have only met one of his brothers twice in the 17 years weve been together. I have tried to make the connection there but none of them have any interest.

There are a lot of differences but those are the ones that really come to mind.

It can be really hard sometimes to get a balance of the two as we raise our own family. Our family, together, is close. We have 2 preteens and a teenager and we still manage to do a lot together.


So were your upbringings similar or different? How do you balance between them for your own family?

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

DH and i were similar to you, OP, except for opposite. his family is very close and they're always there for each other and my family, no one really talks to each other.

we don't have any children yet, but DH and i agreed that we'd want to continue with his family lifestyle. we'd want them to be close with the family.

 

[a1tinkfans]

we're both similar in backgrounds, one of five kids each, though I am middle and dh was the baby (and a late baby at that, LOL).
we are both very blessed and are actually spending an upcoming vacation with his Entire family...and that is not the first time....we see a sibling at least once a week, even more so in summer..BBqs, hanging out, fire pit gatherings, hot tub parties and on and on...my family has done vacations together too, usually they are Grand Gatherings, LOL....I think in the Big picture, he is somewhat closer than I am, but the balance is good. Again, Very blessed to have these large families that really enjoy life and fun!

 

[RUDisney]

The only difference between my family and the Huxtables was that we were white and poor. Otherwise, we were as close and "normal" as The Cosby Show.

DH's family is secretive and claims to be close but none of them want to spend any time with one another, only when it is for show on holidays. No one is allowed to criticize or voice an opinion different from what my MIL dictates to be right or grudges are held (trust me on that one.)

His father was very abusive to his mother, but as I've been in the family for so long, DH's aunts and uncles are starting to open up to me and despite what I was told about it all being his fault, her siblings think that MIL holds a lot of the blame in that relationship. They won't admit that to her, though. She's just not a happy person and is not happy when others are. (And I don't think that's an excuse for abuse, but she did provoke him.)

It's funny, each of his siblings has also married people who came from happy, non-abusive backgrounds, so it seems that they were all looking for what they didn't have when they were growing up.

 

[MIGrandma]

Quite different, in many ways.

I'm an only child, DH has two sisters.

I grew up in town, with a Dad who worked for GM. DH grew up in the country, on a farm and started working in the fields with his Dad when he was only 5 years old.

I attended the Church of God, DH was a Mennonite until we got engaged.

I have very little extended family here, DH has tons of aunts and uncles and cousins.

 

[Heidict]

Our upbringings were totally opposite. I was raised in the country with chickens, horses, dogs and cats. We lived in a small town and went to the local baptist church and spent our time riding horses and bikes and sledding and skiing in the winter.

My DH was born and raised in Passaic, NJ in a large apartment building. He went to a huge school and spent his time riding his skateboard and hanging out on the rooftops of the buildings.

When we met I listened to country music, went line dancing and wore cowboy boots. He listened to rap and hip hop, went to clubs in the city and wore his jeans saggy.

The line "opposites attract" described us perfectly.

Even though we were raised totally different on opposites sides of the US we have the same values, dreams and ambitions along with very tight families. We each have an older sister. He used to think that he could never live any place other then the city. The thought of life in a small town and away from "everything" was horrible to him. Now though he doesn't want to live anywhere other then a quiet small town and he listens to country music.

 

[luvsJack]

Well, I have three siblings and he has six.

My parents ran a grocery store and both worked 16 hour days. His mom drove a school bus so was home most of the day cooking, cleaning, etc.

He grew up raising farm animals and working in a huge garden every summer. Our veggies came from the store we ran.

With 7 kids all fairly close in age, his dad had to be very strict on them. By the time I was 10 all my siblings were married and out of the house, Mom and Dad could be a bit more lenient with just one kid.

Both families are close and always there for each other but in different ways. I don't see my brother very often (my other brother died 11 years ago), but if I need him all I have to do is call and he will drop anything and everything to be here. My sis and her dh are the same way(dsis and bil have been married since I was 6 so he is more like a brother than a bil) and I am too for all of them.

Dh's family will jump at any chance to do things together as a family and always band together for their parents. But, when it comes to one brother calling because another needing help--not always something you can depend on. And the sils are always fighting amongst themselves. (we live a bit further away, so able to stay out of the arguing)

 

[Wishing on a star]

Completely and totally different....

This has been something that I (we) have had to come to terms and to deal with.

 

[klacey1]

DBF's parents are still married and he grew up in a very close-knit, loving, welcoming family. They'd let anyone move in their house and feed them, expecting nothing in return. Things are "everyone's" not "x's" or "y's." It was very hard for DBF to move out of their house (even though he was excited to begin a life with me, of course!), just because of how close he is to them.
My family, however-- I come from yellers, which has dictated how I act with others. This is completely the opposite of how DBF and his family handle conflict. My family is also very self-absorbed-- people tend to think of themselves. We were never a family unit. I'm not saying they're terrible-- my mom has many wonderful qualities, including ambition and drive. We were just atypical-- plus, my parents divorced when I was 2 and I never had a central home base.
It's made certain parts of our relationship difficult, but we overcome our troubles.

 

[cassiez76]

we grew up in big cities - me in nola, him in baltimore.

we're both only children (well he has 2 step-sisters, but he was about 13 or so when they came into the picture)

we have a similar ethic/standard.

we get along reallllly well!

i was raised catholic, him jewish - we're neither now.

he never went to disney as a child i went a bunch of times

 

[NHdisneylover]

We always joke that I was raised Darhma and DH was raised Greg

There were a lot of differences:

I was the only child of very liberal parents. Both worked (except for two years when my dad was a SAHD and worked on his writing) and I often fended for myself. We ate TV dinners 6 nights a week and went out to eat on the 7th (usually getting into the restaurant/bar just before the kitchen closed because no one under 21 was allowed in but they tended not to kick you out if you were already eating and we wanted to see the band). We never went to church (my mom is agnostic and my dad is atheist). We made do, but money was often tight and I remember helping my dad deliver newspapers to make enough to cover the mortgage one year, etc. Mostly we lived in apartments though and we moved around a lot (as rent increased or to be nearer the new job). We never really did child centered things--no daytrips to zoos or circuses, no Disneyworld trips. The times I went to an amusement park or water park or museum were always with friends or camps. With one kid it was easy for my parents to spend their free time at concerts, vacations in Mexico or the Caribbean, etc. That is neither good nor bad. I really loved concerts, beaches, etc but it would have been nice to do a few kid centered things as balance as well.

DH is the youngest of four with very conservative parents. His mother was always a SAHM. She cooked great meals all the time (she still does--she feeds people). They would not have been sneeking kids into a bar They were very Catholic and never missed church and sent the kids to private Catholic schools. DH's dad had the same one steady job for 40 years and was paid well and there was never a fear about how to pay for necessities and they lived in the same home throughout his childhood. Every Saturday until they were teens the family did something kid friendly together--museums, ice capades, circus, parks, etc and the travel included "adult" spots like Europe and kid friendly trips to WDW.

On the other hand, we both had parents who really loved us. Both sets of parents valued education and paid our entire way through college (even room and board)--at a local school back when tuition was still half way reasonable. We both grew up knowing about our family's finances and aware of the importance of saving and not getting into credit card debt, etc. We both grew up opening Christmas presents on Christmas Eve --so on some of the deeper things we were raised alike.

 

[MzDiz]

Couldn't be more different. I spent my childhood in suburban Detroit, he spent his in civil war era Beirut. The only similarity is that we were both raised Catholic, but even then we have very different views on what that means.

 

[Handbag Lady]

Totally different.

My family were jokesters and table-laughers. The goal was to have milk squirt from someone's nose.

His family was very controlling and quiet.

I felt like I was supported in everything I did. If I wanted to grow up to be a horse, mom would ask me what I supposed a horse would eat.

My husband wanted to be a musician and was so discouraged. How he ever became one is still a mystery to me.

When I got good grades, it was celebrated. With him, it was just expected and assumed, so no recognition.

I try to be very "me" to him and he appreciates it. I encourage creativity and silliness. It does cause some levels of discussion, because I do have a sister and he is sibling-less and he doesn't get the joy of having siblings and why we can be so close yet want to kill each other all in the same day.

 

[bumbershoot]

DH's family is secretive and claims to be close but none of them want to spend any time with one another, only when it is for show on holidays. No one is allowed to criticize or voice an opinion different from what my MIL dictates to be right or grudges are held (trust me on that one.)

His father was very abusive to his mother, but as I've been in the family for so long, DH's aunts and uncles are starting to open up to me and despite what I was told about it all being his fault, her siblings think that MIL holds a lot of the blame in that relationship. They won't admit that to her, though. She's just not a happy person and is not happy when others are. (And I don't think that's an excuse for abuse, but she did provoke him.)

Your tag says you're a mom, so you can't be my BIL's partner...are you also married to my husband, then? Because you've just described their family. Freaky!


Although both DH and I grew up with fathers who were abusive to their wives, our families were very different. His parents stayed together. But not in a positive, we'll make it WORK and get BETTER sort of way, but in a War of the Roses type of way, just gritting their teeth...she was also too afraid to leave. My mom divorced my dad when I was 4, but he hadn't lived with us since I was 2 and my brother was a newborn, so really, she got out early in our lives (though she'd already been married to him for 12 years).

We were poor until I hit college (and my mom re-re-married), while DH's family got money before DH was in middle school. He traveled the world b/c of his dad's job and because his mom is Korean, while we rented the same house for 17 years and our trips were inside the US, and the western US at that.

My mom was a hippie (as was my dad), while his dad was born during the Depression and his mom grew up in Occupied Korea; her own dad died a year after being released from a Japanese concentration camp, where he had been held for a year and vowed to get that year "back". Very very different styles of discipline, that's for sure!

I was encouraged to do anything I wanted, but somehow ended up with a huge case of the "I'm not good enoughs"...DH was discouraged and ended up with the same disease.

I'm the slacker between me and my brother, but DH is the one who is making a success of himself.

And in terms of opposites, we both feel that the other one is exotic...so that's fun!

 

[JaneBanks]

DF and I grew up differently, but not too different.

My mother was a single mom, with 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl (me!) right smack in the middle. We had NO money and were lucky enough to live in my grandparents house here, after they moved to Florida. My mother struggled but still provided us with regular kid oppurtunities such as dance class, soccer and baseball and had presents under the Christmas tree. How she did this, I do not know. She's a great mother!

We had lots of love and kisses and cuddles. Our vacations only consisted of visting my grandparents in Florida but most of the time, my mother stayed behind to work and we went off with my aunt and cousins.

Although we knew that we didn't have the money to do things like go school shopping for new clothes or how she would pay the taxes, we never grew up with her stress or worries. She protected us from that. I'm also very lucky to have grown up with a very big and close extended family! DF doesn't understand why I have to talk to my mom 10 times a day but I think he secretely likes it because we bought a house right around the corner from her! lol

DF on the other hand, grew up as an only child and lived a very comfortable life. He was a "miracle baby" since his parents were told that couldn't have children and they had him a later in life. He was born premature and with a hole in his heart so he was destined to be doted on.

He would spend summers on cruises and trips to Europe and by looking at pictures, his living room was filled with Christmas presents. LOL He may have been a little spoiled, but he was and still is a great person.

His extended family is very small, infact, he's one of the youngest members and he's in his 30's. They're not very close and don't see eachother very much but he does drop by his parents house every Wed. after work to see how they're doing. Surprisingly, his parents are very laid back, casual people. Before I met them, I was expecting the stereotype of people with money but they were the complete opposite! I will say that he definitely can have "only child syndrom" from time to time and definitely does not understand the bond that siblings have with eachother but thankfully, he's really great friends with my brothers , so much so that my oldest brother is his best man!

 

[Acklander]

Opposites here.
I grew up in a working class family. My parents owned a small family business, that we lived above so they worked long days, 7 days a week. Us kids were pretty self sufficient at an early age, and were responsible for working in the family business along with going to school from about the age of 12. Once i started working, I was responsible for all my own personal expenses (clothing, entertainment, chipping in for groceries etc...)
DH grew up in a wealthy household with trust funds and buildings named after them,hanging with the Kennedy's, summer beach homes, private schools type family.
For the most part we're pretty compatible but we definitely look at money differently. I'm a bit of a miser and he's always been pretty casual with it. I'm there to make sure we don't end up eating cat food in our old age, and he makes sure that I take some time in the moment to enjoy what's out there. We compliment each other.

 

[bicker]

Opposites here as well:

My four grandparents, altogether, had 7 grandchildren, while just including my wife's maternal grandparents, there were 39 grandchildren. So small family versus big family, big time. My wife grew up Mormon, while I grew up Jewish. She grew up on a small farm with her family scraping to get by, while I grew up in a well-to-do neighborhood in a bedroom community of New York. Her cousins, aunts, uncles, and such, are gregarious folks; generally rowdier than average; while my family was typically very reserved.

What's really amazing is that none of this manifested in significant differences in my wife or I. We were pretty compatible from the start. Our beliefs and values were shockingly similar.

 

[pirateofthecarolinas]

identical for the most part. Grew up in same small town, went to different churches but the same denomination. Mothers' were SAHMs except his mother worked the family farm and my mother went to work when I was in HS. Both fathers were engineers as is DH. DH had an older sister and I was in between a sister and a brother.

All of our grandparents were farmers. Both mothers were from families with 12 children. I have 30 cousins on my mother's side alone. Our fathers graduated college but our mothers did not have the means to get a degree. Very intellegent women but different times.

 

[luvsJack]

Completely and totally different....

This has been something that I (we) have had to come to terms and to deal with.

It can be hard, can't it? Dh was raised with a very different view of the world and what is or isn't important. At times I know he is just pacifying me and at times I am just rolling my eyes at him (in my mind). We have learned to either listen to each other's differences and compromise or just ignore it. Even that can be hard at times. I love his family but some of the things they find to be all so important, just are not to me. Sometimes I know that dh resents that I am not more like his mom, but I don't see me changing now.

 

[SC Minnie]

Dh grew up in Cleveland OH and I grew up in small town SC (pop ~15,000). Dh went to private Catholic school and I went to public school. DH was Catholic and I was Protestant. DH had a big family (7 children), it is just me and my brother. DH's mom was a SAHM and mine always worked full time outside the home. DH was born in the mid 50's and I was born in the late 60's.

So, looking at all this it doesn't appear we have ANYTHING in common LOL. We have been together 20 yrs and married for 18. Our personalities really mesh together and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.