How old is too old to adopt?

[hoosiergirl7]

Honestly it's a personal choice. Yes in some instances age does factor into it. Like a previous poster said if you go the international route you're looking at age restrictions not to mention lots of other requirements. Domestic may be hard to do as well since birth mothers chose parents. I was in my early 20's when we started trying to adopt and many of the birth mothers that had reviewed our file liked us a lot but thought we were too young. I didn't get that but needless to say I was 28 almost 29 when our son was born. You might have the opposite where birth mothers think you are too old to parent. You have the foster care system but then you're also looking at a whole new set of rules for that as well. And I know from friends' experiencing that foster care is not always easy because of the situations these children come from.

I'm 33 and DH turned 40 in April. We made the decision after DS (adopted) was born and we had finished up the 1st year it was going to be very hard to convince us to go the newborn route again. Hence the reason why we chose China with a minimum age request of 12 -30 months old. China's restrictions have recently gotten tighter and the wait for children has grown tremendously. We submitted our paperwork almost 19 months ago and are still waiting. The families currently receiving referrals from China have been waiting 29-30 months! Most international adoptions require a large amount of paperwork that takes anywhere between 6 months to 1 yr to gather. Then add in the wait on top of that...

Not trying to discourage you but wanted to let you know that this is an arduous task not to be entered into lightly. Your husband could be in his early to mid 50's by the time you finally adopt.

I think more importantly than wondering if you're too old to adopt is to ask yourselves if you can handle the long wait ahead and the emotional roller coaster it will most certainly put you on.

 

[crisi]

As people have said, adoption doors close as you get older (just like fertility). There are programs that accept older parents, but you will have fewer choices. Waiting kids and older kids are often available for older parents, domestic adoptions don't have age requirements, but are generally open - and a sixteen year old birthmom is unlikely to choose parents for her baby older than her own parents (but you never know), and some international programs will allow older adoption.

I'd talk to a local adoption agency that works multiple paths - and help them figure out what your options are and what the issues with those options are. For instance you may be ideal parents for a special needs kid, or you may not be up for that. They'll have a better grasp on meeting you about what options may be good fits than we will.

 

[ERMama]

Well I know a 51 yo GRANDMA with 3 grown kids who has a 3 yo herself and just had twins. Too old for me, yes, but I guess it works for her and her family. She figures she may not be able to see them get married or see her younger 3's grandchildren someday but shes hoping she can be a good enough parent to teach them about life and to be happy people to carry them thru for when shes not there.

I do not think adopting in your 40's is odd or wrong in any way. Good luck with your decision! www.adoption.com has many active forums where you could also find more info and support.

 

[DawnM]

I am 42 and DH is 41. We have a 4 year old we adopted at 2.5 years old. We are considering another adoption.

Dawn

 

[mommy4]

Congratulations on thinking of adopting, if it is in your heart- go for it!!
I just wanted to let you know that there are millions of children waiting to be adopted in Ethiopia. We adopted a baby (9months at homecoming), but there are many older children who desperately need homes. We used Adoption Advocates International and they were wonderful. We requested a girl 0-24 months and it took us 15 months start to finish. An older, waiting child would be a much shorter wait.
I know that Ethiopia does not have a very strict age limit.
Just a suggestion.
We would love to adopt again!!! If only God would drop some $ on our heads! So, instead, I try to spread the word.
Good luck!

 

[vleeth]

We have a 4 girls, ages 23, 21, 20 & 3. My husband is 53 and I'm much younger

I think that you should go for it. There are so many kids out there that need a good home (but then, you already know that) and having a loving home is what counts. Besides that kid will always have a brother to watch over him or her also.

 

[NJMomma]

I say go for it! My dad was over 50 when I was born (my mom is his 2nd wife and a bit younger that he is ). My brother and sister were in their
20's when I was born. Dad just celebrated his 90th b-day this year, our family calls him the "Engerizer Bunny" Statistically speaking, the odds are in your favor that you will live to see this child into adulthood.

Best of luck with this decision

 

[abdmom]

I've been watching this thread, trying to decide whether to jump in. Here goes.

For all American high school students, the odds are 1 in 20 that one of their parents will not live to see their high school graduation. It's about 4-5X more likely that it will be the father that dies rather than the mother.

My dh and I had 2 children in our early 30's. Forty loomed on the horizon and we decided we wanted another. It's not so easy by that time! We were close to 42 when our 3rd was born 3 years ago. Less than 2 weeks later, dh received a diagnosis of a rare, aggressive and ultimately fatal cancer. He died when our third was 5 months old.

It has been a struggle to keep up with a toddler all by myself. On one hand, his cheery disposition makes me smile when nothing else will. On the other hand, I had no one to call up when he said his first word, walked for the first time, etc. His older brother and sister have had to grow up a little sooner to become an extra pair of eyes that make sure the youngest doesn't get into trouble. It is a struggle to keep food in the house because there's no one to go to the store when we run out of milk late at night.

I haven't dated. Men bid me a swift goodbye when they find out I have a toddler at home. I have a very full house - 3 kids and 2 dogs, but I am very much alone. I will be 60 by the time the youngest graduates from high school.

My reason for telling my story is not to bring you down or make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to hear what it's like when things don't work out exactly how you plan.

 

[crisi]

I've been watching this thread, trying to decide whether to jump in. Here goes.

For all American high school students, the odds are 1 in 20 that one of their parents will not live to see their high school graduation. It's about 4-5X more likely that it will be the father that dies rather than the mother.

My dh and I had 2 children in our early 30's. Forty loomed on the horizon and we decided we wanted another. It's not so easy by that time! We were close to 42 when our 3rd was born 3 years ago. Less than 2 weeks later, dh received a diagnosis of a rare, aggressive and ultimately fatal cancer. He died when our third was 5 months old.

It has been a struggle to keep up with a toddler all by myself. On one hand, his cheery disposition makes me smile when nothing else will. On the other hand, I had no one to call up when he said his first word, walked for the first time, etc. His older brother and sister have had to grow up a little sooner to become an extra pair of eyes that make sure the youngest doesn't get into trouble. It is a struggle to keep food in the house because there's no one to go to the store when we run out of milk late at night.

I haven't dated. Men bid me a swift goodbye when they find out I have a toddler at home. I have a very full house - 3 kids and 2 dogs, but I am very much alone. I will be 60 by the time the youngest graduates from high school.

My reason for telling my story is not to bring you down or make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to hear what it's like when things don't work out exactly how you plan.

I'm sorry for your loss. My sister has two very young children - and survived breast cancer last year. She is under 40 (by a little). Her husband is older than she is by a decade, very overweight, with a family history of cardiovascular disease. Last year we were facing a very real possibility that neither parent might live to see their kids through elementary school. My sister is now cancer free, and her husband is a little thinner - but it is still a frightening thought that you might not be there for your kids.

 

[bkfree]

As long as there are children needing families, your are not to old to adopt.
My husband and I adopted our first child, a son from Russia when we were 39 and 43. We adopted our daughter from Russia when we were 41 and 45.
We are now 47 and 52 and our kids are 7 and 9.
We just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary.
We did not have any infertility and have never tried to become pregnant. When we were ready to be parents, we felt drawn to Russian adoption due to the sheer number of kids waiting for parents and families. Russia has no age limit. Some agencies impose their own guidlines in regard to age.The most common is that at least one parent be no more than 45 years older than the child, but there are of course exceptions made to this all the time.
We are very happy we waited until we were financially secure and ready to devote this time of our lives to our kids. I am able to be at home full time and this was important to us as a family.
There are many countries and many adoption programs, both domestic and international that can fit the needs of just about any type of adoptive parents.
Adopting our two was the most wonderful,magical and amazing thing we have ever done or could ever do in our lives.
But in the end, we are a normal family just like any other,
Ok we think we are special, but the world sees us as just a happy family who is maybe a little Disney crazed.
Go For it!

 

[mytwinklestar]

We were finally able to adopt our foster daughter in January 2008. I turned 40 in March. Our daughter had been living with us for almost two years before she was free for adoption. She is now 6 years old. She is an incredible blessing to our family. I think that she keeps us feeling younger, as parents, and she makes her big brother, 10, feel older and more mature. We cannot imagine our lives without our little princess. She is joy wrapped in ballet dress up with clip-cloppy plastic high heel dress up shoes. I say, if you feel led to adopt, there is a reason. Being a foster parent, we understand the plight of the children in our communities - there are SO many who need loving homes. My opinion is that you should adopt today... tomorrow you will be thankful. You may never know such joy! Age is just a number these days. You sound able and willing... and fostering... you have to be loving and generous... what more could a child ask for? You sound like a MOM to me! Best of luck to you in your decision.

 

[DawnM]

So sorry. That must be really hard. I know things can happen at any age.

Dawn

I've been watching this thread, trying to decide whether to jump in. Here goes.

For all American high school students, the odds are 1 in 20 that one of their parents will not live to see their high school graduation. It's about 4-5X more likely that it will be the father that dies rather than the mother.

My dh and I had 2 children in our early 30's. Forty loomed on the horizon and we decided we wanted another. It's not so easy by that time! We were close to 42 when our 3rd was born 3 years ago. Less than 2 weeks later, dh received a diagnosis of a rare, aggressive and ultimately fatal cancer. He died when our third was 5 months old.

It has been a struggle to keep up with a toddler all by myself. On one hand, his cheery disposition makes me smile when nothing else will. On the other hand, I had no one to call up when he said his first word, walked for the first time, etc. His older brother and sister have had to grow up a little sooner to become an extra pair of eyes that make sure the youngest doesn't get into trouble. It is a struggle to keep food in the house because there's no one to go to the store when we run out of milk late at night.

I haven't dated. Men bid me a swift goodbye when they find out I have a toddler at home. I have a very full house - 3 kids and 2 dogs, but I am very much alone. I will be 60 by the time the youngest graduates from high school.

My reason for telling my story is not to bring you down or make you feel sorry for me. I just want you to hear what it's like when things don't work out exactly how you plan.

 

[powellrj]

Instead of wondering if you are too old to adopt, I think you need to take a step back and see why you really want to adopt.

I remember your posts of several years ago when you called my kids spoiled brats because they were older teens not wanting to go on a WDW vacation with us. Over the past year I have seen several post where you are now complaining that your DS no longer wants to spend as much time with you. He is now an older teen and thats just what older teens do. They start to spread their wings and become their own people. It doesn't make them spoiled brats.

Your DS doesn't want to spend as much time with you so you want to adopt another baby to fill in the gap.

You just posted on the community board how tired you are. How tired do you really think you will be with a baby. I had my last child when I was almost 40 and its so much harder now than it was when I had my DS at 24. I am exhausted most of the time.

I think you need to really take a look at your reason for wanting a child and maybe think about doing foster care or becoming a CASA volunteer before you commit to raising another child.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

When you and the child is wearing a diaper!
Seriously- I don't know how old is too old. What if you got pregnant at 45? It could happen. What about these 20 somethings with the older husband. Didn't Tony Randall father 2 kids at like 70 or something? So if you think it is the right decision for all parties involved then go for it.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Instead of wondering if you are too old to adopt, I think you need to take a step back and see why you really want to adopt.

I remember your posts of several years ago when you called my kids spoiled brats because they were older teens not wanting to go on a WDW vacation with us. Over the past year I have seen several post where you are now complaining that your DS no longer wants to spend as much time with you. He is now an older teen and thats just what older teens do. They start to spread their wings and become their own people. It doesn't make them spoiled brats.

Your DS doesn't want to spend as much time with you so you want to adopt another baby to fill in the gap.

You just posted on the community board how tired you are. How tired do you really think you will be with a baby. I had my last child when I was almost 40 and its so much harder now than it was when I had my DS at 24. I am exhausted most of the time.

I think you need to really take a look at your reason for wanting a child and maybe think about doing foster care or becoming a CASA volunteer before you commit to raising another child.

I didn't read the thread before I posted. If this is true then I would say that adopting/having a child probably isn't the wisest choice. IMO you have children because you truly want them - not to fill some need or because you like babies and teens are cranky. Good luck with whatever you chose. Children are a blessing. Embrace the child that you have and celebrate the stage in life that he is at. Of course it is bittersweet because you miss the little boy he was but are happy about the man he is becoming.

 

[crisi]

So sorry. That must be really hard. I know things can happen at any age.

Dawn

But your odds get worse as you get older.

Have your kids at 20 (and I don't think people should) and your chances of living to 40 when they should be out of the house are pretty high.

Have them at 40 and your chances of living until you are 60 are not nearly as good.

Have your kids when you are 80 like Charlie Chaplin - you are really unlikely to live until they graduate from high school.

Personally, I would not choose to have kids if I had 'risky' health - if I was over 40 and had a family history of heart disease, for instance. Other people - including my brother in law and sister, make different decisions. While there is always some risk of dying while your kids are still kids, I think that there is a point where that risk becomes unacceptable.

 

[_queenie_]

Go ahead, if it's what you want to do, give a child a nice home! We were in our 40's when our youngest arrived. I'd so much rather see someone have a baby at 45 and be financially stable than at 22 and barely able to support them. I'm cerrtainly not saying that everyone can when they're older and nobody can when they're younger, it's just that way with a number of people (like my BIL). Everyone has a different age that's right for them, I could have started at 20 and would have been able to give them what they needed, but waiting until I was near 30 was so much better for me. I didn't have to work and could really enjoy motherhood so much more than I would have younger, but that's just me. I certainly could be the grandmother of my 4yo, but I'd much rather be the mother. I bet she'll have the oldest parents in her class, but it doesn't bother me.

The real reason why most people try to be done before the woman is 40 is mainly because complications are much more likely. Since you'd like to adopt, you don't have to worry about that. I just discourage it after 50, really only because there's a higher risk that you may not see you're grandchildren. I would just reccomend doing it now before you get any older because it can take time.

The real question now: Do you have the energy to keep up with a toddler?

 

[mrsheppo]

We adopted last year. DH is a very young and active 60 and I just turned 50. DD will be 2 in September and keeps us on our toes. She does tire us out at times but she is the light of our life.

 

[ZPT1022]

I had to think about your question for a minute. My parent were both older when they had me. 40, and 44. My first instinct was to answer: adopt if youre young enough to see them thru 18. No 15 year old wants an 80 year old mom or dad. But then, I thought..There are so many kids waiting for parents to adopt them..just do it. Every kid deserves a parent. No matter how old.

Nothing in life is certain. My Dad was 24 when I was born. I'm the oldest. My Dad died from cancer when I was 11- my brothers were 8 and 5. Statistically the odds were on his side- mid-20's, healthy, athletic, non-smoker, etc..... but nothing is ever perfect.

 

[SalandJeff]

Only you and your dh know if you are up to the challenge based on how you feel. Since you have been fostering, it sounds like you are.

We adopted dd from Russia in 2005. I was 48 and dh was 52 at the time. Our dd is the light of our lives. Are we tired at the end of the day...you bet...but so are a lot of younger people. And it is so worth everything you have to go through to bring your child home.

Do what your heart tells you to do and best of luck to you.