How often do you see your grandchildren? Let us know if it’s on FaceTime/skype more

[Nancyg56]

I am blessed that DD and DGD live with me.
When DD goes to work, I take are of the little one.

I had that arrangement when my DGD was a tadpole. DD and DSIL were saving for their own home so they lived with us. I loved that I was able to forge a relationship with our DGD that is a bit beyond what I would probably have had. Now that our Kady is graduating from HS it is a bit bittersweet for my DH and I because you know it is all about us, Right?

So you don't want to drive there because it's expensive and you don't want to, but you expect them to pack up a kid with all their stuff and drive to you and can't imagine why they don't? Okay...

I think it is probably more complicated than this.

Yes it’s too expensive, we are on a tight budget. One day we might get a smaller vehicle but that won’t help me to drive to see grandson more because as I said in the original post, I am afraid to drive far distances.

I don’t expect to see my grandson at my house often but at least they could come here maybe 3 times a year but no big deal if they don’t come.

When I was a young mother my first husband died. I was alone with three children all under 5. My IL's lived about 5 miles or so away and they drove right by my house every Friday night to go shopping. They refused to stop in because it was up to me to bring the kids to them. OMG! It was a challenge to get them all clean and dressed for visiting, in the car and out the door before one needed changing, feeding, or goodness knows what else. To be honest I truly resented the attitude. I was exhausted. My Mom and my sister used to come visit me way more than I could get to them, and they gave me a break when they came by. I so appreciated those visits. Between the company, the help and the chance to share the responsibility, the visits were priceless.

When my own DD had her baby DSIL worked nights. She and my DDIL would come by every Wednesday for dinner. They said it was for dinner. What my DD really needed was a break, and that is exactly what we gave her. I had dinner ready and after DH would take Kady for her bath, I did the dishes, packed DSIL and DS dinner to go, and then both DH and I played with DGD until Survivor was over. I am on the page with you regarding the cost and stress of driving to see your grands, but I wonder if you offered some sort of opportunity for the parents to be off the hook while you took over they might be more receptive to the drive. My own IL's never offered any respite for me when I was there with the kids. If I went to my Mom's she not only took over the children, she pampered me a bit. My incentive to visit my own mom was way higher than MIL.

I do not feel you should bribe the family, but I do think it is important to consider what their lives are like and the reality of packing the family up when they may have so much to get done in a relatively short timespan.

 

[Minnesota!]

My dad and my husband's parents all passed away before we had kids. My mom moved 2 hours away when my oldest was a few years old.

I have never been to her house, but she comes to see us/the kids for one night every 3 - 4 months or so. I talk to her 1x a week, sometimes 2 depending on life.

It works.

I was very close with my grandparents, so it used to sadden me. And sometimes it still does...my kids have missed out on a great relationship not having grandparents alive/around. But, I have no ill will towards my mom at all - I would never expect anyone to alter what makes them happy (living in a small town, away from the cities), for my benefit. It just makes me sad that my dad/IL's missed out on these awesome kids of mine.

 

[Skippy918]

I had that arrangement when my DGD was a tadpole. DD and DSIL were saving for their own home so they lived with us. I loved that I was able to forge a relationship with our DGD that is a bit beyond what I would probably have had. Now that our Kady is graduating from HS it is a bit bittersweet for my DH and I because you know it is all about us, Right?





I think it is probably more complicated than this.




When I was a young mother my first husband died. I was alone with three children all under 5. My IL's lived about 5 miles or so away and they drove right by my house every Friday night to go shopping. They refused to stop in because it was up to me to bring the kids to them. OMG! It was a challenge to get them all clean and dressed for visiting, in the car and out the door before one needed changing, feeding, or goodness knows what else. To be honest I truly resented the attitude. I was exhausted. My Mom and my sister used to come visit me way more than I could get to them, and they gave me a break when they came by. I so appreciated those visits. Between the company, the help and the chance to share the responsibility, the visits were priceless.

When my own DD had her baby DSIL worked nights. She and my DDIL would come by every Wednesday for dinner. They said it was for dinner. What my DD really needed was a break, and that is exactly what we gave her. I had dinner ready and after DH would take Kady for her bath, I did the dishes, packed DSIL and DS dinner to go, and then both DH and I played with DGD until Survivor was over. I am on the page with you regarding the cost and stress of driving to see your grands, but I wonder if you offered some sort of opportunity for the parents to be off the hook while you took over they might be more receptive to the drive. My own IL's never offered any respite for me when I was there with the kids. If I went to my Mom's she not only took over the children, she pampered me a bit. My incentive to visit my own mom was way higher than MIL.

I do not feel you should bribe the family, but I do think it is important to consider what their lives are like and the reality of packing the family up when they may have so much to get done in a relatively short timespan.

This is key! Maybe offer to say, hey, when you guys come up with grandchild, drop him off here and go do a date day or something like that. They might be hesitant to ask themselves, but likely more responsive to the idea if you offered. We never really asked MIL to babysit because we felt she thought it was an imposition on her. Plus, she also ignored our rules when it came to tv and bedtime. That was frustrating for us. She was finally open to feedback and suggestions. The last time she babysat went much better. My kids are also older now so it’s easier.

 

[ashley0139]

I'm a parent, not a grandparent. My kids are currently teens (14 and 18). Since they were little, we’ve made an effort to see both sets of grandparents weekly. Both sets live locally, 15-30 minutes away. On one hand, I’m glad we’ve done it, but in another way I regret it too.

Neither DH nor I had close relationships with our grandparents. We didn’t want the same for our kids, so we really made the effort to foster the relationship. (Three of my 4 grandparents died before I was born, and the one living grandparent wasn’t very grandmotherly. DH’s grandparents all lived to a ripe old age, and he loved them dearly, but they lived several states away and he only saw them once or twice per year.)

When the kids were little, it was easier to schedule because our weekends were our own. That’s not to say we didn’t have anything to do — both DH and I worked full time, so weekends were cleaning time, errand running time, and family time all rolled into one. But we were in control of our own schedule so we could usually make it work. As they’ve gotten older, there are sports games/practices, school functions, teen jobs, the kids social lives, etc. to consider. We still do our best to see the grandparents often, but sometimes it is tough to schedule… and it’s still us doing 95%+ of the traveling. (They generally only come here if it’s a “party” for a birthday or other special occasion.) The kids love their grandparents and haven’t complained too much, but sometimes it feels like an obligation. And sometimes the grandparents give us a guilt trip if we haven’t seen them as recently as they’d like, or can’t do it during their first choice of times, or don’t stay as long as they’d like. I think they take for granted how much we work to make sure they see the grandkids as often as they do.

My parents spend their winters in Florida (snow birds) so obviously, they don’t expect weekly visits when they’re there and we’re in Ohio. And when the kids were small (but old enough to talk on the phone), we’d call weekly. It was actually my parents’ idea to FaceTime instead. However, they like to be “presentable” and have a cup of coffee while they chat. I know several of you have mentioned being presentable. I really hope you rethink that.

The kids will have something to tell the grandparents and we’ll text and ask if they’re available for a FaceTime call. They’ll say “Oh yes, just let me ___” (do my hair, make some coffee, get dressed, whatever it is). Thirty or 45 minutes later, we’re still waiting. Finally, they say “OK. We’re ready.” but by that point, the moment has passed. If they’d taken the FaceTime when the kids were ready to talk, they would have heard about the event in detail — a play-by-play of the game, or funny anecdotes from school. But by the time they actually talk, it's “The game was fine. School’s fine. My friends are fine. Love you, grandma. Goodbye.” With kids, you’ve got to be ready to listen when they’re ready to talk, or else you miss out on what they were going to say. (And that was one of my mother's biggest pieces of advice when I became a mother... so I don't know why she won't follow her own advice now.) They don’t care if your hair is done, if you’re wearing makeup, or if you're sitting in your bathrobe.

I'm not at that age yet, but I can't imagine having to be "presentable" to talk to my grandkids! And yet several people have mentioned that. I don't understand. I'm so glad you, as someone who has direct experience, brought this up. I facetime with my "nephews" (best friend's kids) all the time. They don't care what I look like. I'll be getting ready for work, or eating, or laying in bed. I just want to talk to them.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm not at that age yet, but I can't imagine having to be "presentable" to talk to my grandkids! And yet several people have mentioned that. I don't understand. I'm so glad you, as someone who has direct experience, brought this up. I facetime with my "nephews" (best friend's kids) all the time. They don't care what I look like. I'll be getting ready for work, or eating, or laying in bed. I just want to talk to them.

My "girls" facetime me all the time in the morning when they get up I am not a pretty sight! LOL!

 

[lifesavacation]

I'm not at that age yet, but I can't imagine having to be "presentable" to talk to my grandkids! And yet several people have mentioned that. I don't understand. I'm so glad you, as someone who has direct experience, brought this up. I facetime with my "nephews" (best friend's kids) all the time. They don't care what I look like. I'll be getting ready for work, or eating, or laying in bed. I just want to talk to them.

I had the exact same thought when I read that. I FaceTime all the time with my sister and her young kids since they live in another state and being “presentable” isn’t even on my radar. I’m just happy we are talking.

 

[ashley0139]

I had the exact same thought when I read that. I FaceTime all the time with my sister and her young kids since they live in another state and being “presentable” isn’t even on my radar. I’m just happy we are talking.

I'm wondering if it's a generational thing.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm not a grandparent yet and I admit I worry a little about not being able to see our grandchildren often if they all live far away from us in different directions.
I was very close to both sets of grandparents growing up, saw them a couple times a week pretty much up until I moved away in my mid 20's.
My kids have a grandparent they see once a week and the others they see once a month, more often in the summer months.

 

[MIGrandma]

Our oldest granddaughter is 25. She lives a couple hours away, so we don't see her as often as we would like, a few times a year. But we Facebook/text so "keep in touch" more often that way. She owns her own home, and is a child services social worker.

Our oldest grandson is 22, works in a pontoon factory, is married with a 4 year old daughter (previous relationship) and a 1-year old daughter with his wife and they are expecting their second child. We rarely see him, even though he only lives about a half-hour away. Definitely see him at Christmas, and maybe only once or twice at other times during the year. He has made some poor choices in his life and is struggling.

Our second grandson (14) and granddaughter (10) live about a quarter mile down the road from us so we see them often, several times a month. Love that they live so close. Granddaughter will be getting off the bus at our house for several weeks, as her older brother is involved in track. We'll be going to as many track meets as we can too.

Our third grandson is 13 and in the same grade/same school as our grandson above. We see him a few times during the year, more in the summer than during the school year.

And I mentioned our two great-granddaughters. We have only seen the 4-year old once, this past Christmas. Would love to see her more often. Our youngest great granddaughter we see several times during the year, as her Grandpa (our son) brings her over quite often when he has her. When she's a bit older (out of diapers!) we hope to get her ourselves occasionally for a few hours here and there.

Love all our grands and great-grands and thankful they don't live too far away.

 

[MrsDuck]

My parents see our son pretty much daily. They live about 5 min away.

His other set of grandparents see him probably every 2-3 months. They are in Orlando (2.5 hours away).

 

[scrapquitler]

My kids are 16 and 22. Grandparents live about 25 minutes away. We see them Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and usually the kids birthdays and maybe once or twice a year more beyond that, and usually it's a matter of forcing the kids to go. They don't want to because they don't like hearing the constant criticism about everything they (and DH and I) do or don't do. When they kids were little we tried very hard to promote visiting G&G and staying over there, and they did when they were small, but as they got older, G&G got grumpier and more miserable, and who wants to be around that?

Suggestions for Grandparents who want to be more involved in their grandchildren's lives: try not to criticize so much. Try not to preach "kids these days...blah blah blah" nonstop.

Oh, also: Facetime and skype not an option with G&G. Grampa won't even talk on the phone. Grandma has a cellphone, but not a smartphone (she refuses). I have been working on getting her to text the kids, and she has finally started doing that in the last few months, which has helped her relationship with the kids a little.

 

[scrapquitler]

my first grandchild, a boy was born a year ago. He and his mom & dad live an hour away. I see him about once a month, sometimes twice a month. I would see him more but with my SUV the gas is too expensive and I’m a more nervous driver now to take long drives. Don’t ask why his parents don’t take the drive to us but we do talk on phone a few times a week.

It's even harder for parents to wrangle a one year old and all his stuff into the car for a ride an hour each way to go visiting, especially if both parents are working.

 

[lifesavacation]

My kids are 16 and 22. Grandparents live about 25 minutes away. We see them Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and usually the kids birthdays and maybe once or twice a year more beyond that, and usually it's a matter of forcing the kids to go. They don't want to because they don't like hearing the constant criticism about everything they (and DH and I) do or don't do. When they kids were little we tried very hard to promote visiting G&G and staying over there, and they did when they were small, but as they got older, G&G got grumpier and more miserable, and who wants to be around that?

Suggestions for Grandparents who want to be more involved in their grandchildren's lives: try not to criticize so much. Try not to preach "kids these days...blah blah blah" nonstop.

And adding to that, do not publicly criticize your grandchild on FB/social media. Even if they have wildly different political views from you, walk away from the keyboard! It will not end well.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I'm not a grandparent, my kids are 25 and 23.

When my kids were little/growing up, they saw my parents who live an hour away several times a week and even more in the summer. My parents traveled to each and every game, my boys always played sports year round. My parents would invite them over and visit at our house too. My parents played with them. My Mom did crafts, games etc. My Dad brought them outside to play catch, build a fort, fish etc.

My husbands parents lived 15 minutes away. We only saw them on Holidays and they came here for Birthday parties. They rarely came to any sporting events and never played with the kids during get togethers. Months could go by between Holidays etc. and we would never hear from them.


It was, what it was, but needless to say my boys are very close to my Mom (my Dad has passed away) and have no relationship with their other Grandma. I tried hard when they were young so they could be close to both sets of Grandparents, but it goes both ways and I couldn't force something that wasn't there.

 

[Nancyg56]

I'm wondering if it's a generational thing.

Im 62. Its not generational. It is personal.

My kids are 16 and 22. Grandparents live about 25 minutes away. We see them Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and usually the kids birthdays and maybe once or twice a year more beyond that, and usually it's a matter of forcing the kids to go. They don't want to because they don't like hearing the constant criticism about everything they (and DH and I) do or don't do. When they kids were little we tried very hard to promote visiting G&G and staying over there, and they did when they were small, but as they got older, G&G got grumpier and more miserable, and who wants to be around that?

Suggestions for Grandparents who want to be more involved in their grandchildren's lives: try not to criticize so much. Try not to preach "kids these days...blah blah blah" nonstop.

Oh, also: Facetime and skype not an option with G&G. Grampa won't even talk on the phone. Grandma has a cellphone, but not a smartphone (she refuses). I have been working on getting her to text the kids, and she has finally started doing that in the last few months, which has helped her relationship with the kids a little.

YIkes! What grandparent criticizes a grandchild?????? These special gifts that come from manageing to keep your own children alive hang the moon, and the sun rises on them. How sad!

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

My wife takes our 5 month old to work with her everyday, she and my mom are both CPAs and have their own office. I pick him up after work and we sit with my dad at their house while waiting on my 5yr son and 7yr daughter to get home from school, I’m not always home and want them to get off the bus their. In the summer we let the kids decide who they go to work with, me/grandpa or mom/grandma. We’re very fortunate to be able to do this.
Someone once commented that my moms office was “No place for kids”
My Mom shot right back “maybe it’s no place for them”