How much do you prepare your kids for life before they leave home?

[Frozen Canuck]

This is a question based purely out of curiosity on my part, which stems from a number of incidents our family has experienced/witnessed in regards to young adults and/or college-aged people.

Now, I don't feel that I hold my kids up to any super high standards. They have had their chores through the years, so all of them can clean a bathroom, gather the trash, vacuum, and make their beds. They can wash and fold their clothes, unload a dishwasher, pick out produce, and make (very, very) simple meals for themselves before they leave home. (I have never once had them prepare a meal for the whole family as I have heard of others doing.) How often they choose to utilize those skills once they are on their own is up to them, but they do have the ability to perform them. Both of my oldest kids, who are now away from home, have said that we expected more from them than what they feel many of their fellow students and friends experienced while at home, but are also now grateful that they were given these skills after witnessing some of the following:

Exhibit A: When my son moved into the dorms with his first-year roommate, the guy he roomed with didn't know how to make a bed. (Those are my son's words. He did not imply his roommate was too lazy to make the bed.) Rather than ask for help or attempt to figure it out, he just slept on the plastic mattress directly, covered with a blanket. (Yes. His parents had sent him bedding.)

Exhibit B: In his second year, this same son was in a dorm apartment with three other guys who were expected to clean their own bathroom and common area. This was met with varying degrees of success as some had never had to clean a bathroom before.

Exhibit C: My daughter roomed with a girl during one of her off-campus projects where students were housed in apartments with kitchens. The roommate took frozen chicken, placed it in a glass pan, covered it with water, and put it in the oven. My daughter over-heard her talking to a friend on the phone where she was "complaining" about needing to eat raw chicken because it was taking too long to cook and she didn't want to wait any longer. She ate the half-baked, semi-poached drumsticks. This was a roommate who did not seem open to "help" or suggestions in a number of different areas and was dangerously oblivious to basic food safety.

Exhibit D: My daughter was apparently the only person on her dorm floor who knew how to iron, so when people needed items pressed, they sought her out. They appeared amazed that she had somehow magically acquired this skill. Yes, I understand that we live in a world where most items are permanent press and irons are becoming passe, but IF you own clothing that does require ironing, then you should potentially know how to care for those items or have the foresight/ability to afford to take them out to be pressed.

Exhibit E: My daughter moved to another state to do a 6-month co-op through school. She was once again living in an apartment, caring for herself. When talking with one of her friends, the girl exclaimed, "But what do you eat????" and seemed completely beside herself when my daughter said she just cooked for herself.

Exhibit F: Just the other day, I was at Target in the cleaning products aisles. A mom was there with her college-aged daughter and the two were shopping for supplies. As they went down the rows, the mom would grab a product like a stain remover and then say to her daughter, "Now if you get a stain on your clothes, spray this on right away." They would then move to the next product, and as the product went into the cart, a description of how to use it followed.

It was this last display which prompted me to toss this/these question(s) out to the masses...

How concerned are you with providing your kids with basic life skills before they leave home? Do parents possibly assume that these things should be easy to figure out and not realize how much their kids potentially struggle when they do get out in the world? Was there anything that you wish you had learned to do before you started off on your own?

(If it matters, I feel like I fell somewhere in the middle. I didn't have a lot of experience in running a home when I moved out, so I had to work at some of the things, but I also felt like what I hadn't done much of was relatively intuitive for me and I was able to figure it out on my own or, for things like cooking, progressively develop my skills through recipes and trial and error.)

 

[jaybirdsmommy]

I've always taken the view that I'm not raising "children," I'm raising future adults. Mine currently know how to do their own laundry, cook simple stuff (my 15 year old will be graduating to more complicated cooking soon, he has health issues that mean he won't be surviving on ramen, kraft dinner, and fast food in college, he'll need to cook real food), make their beds, clean their rooms and bathroom, etc. They may not do any of this regularly, but they know how.

I'm going to open my oldest a checking account with debit card as soon as he gets his learners permit so he can start learning how to operate one. It will not be tied to my account, if he overdraws, he gets to pay the fees (most likely with money borrowed from me, but I charge outrageous interest). He also knows how to make appointments and handle his own schedule. I've only had to step in once to handle something with a teacher at school for him. If he needs to solve a conflict, ask a question, change his schedule, argue with the librarian over a lost book, I've always let him know that I will get involved if he can't work it out himself but I expect him to try first.

I figure I'm not doing them any favors by not preparing them for the real world.

 

[allison443]

My kids learned most things just from their 18 years of living in our house, however if they want/need to learn something else they can just look for a YouTube video. In some of your examples like sleeping on a the bed without sheets, it sounds like the person was just lazy or honestly did not care. It’s not hard to make a bed and I’m sure he could have figured it out, he just didn’t bother. Nobody needs bed-making lessons if they have ever slept in a made bed lol!

 

[firefly_ris]

My kids are still young so I don't have a ton of insight yet... but:

For me personally - I was taught to fold clothing, iron (my first job at 14 was a waitress at a retirement home, we had white button down shirts and black pants uniforms and I was responsible for ironing my work attire), wash dishes, dust furniture, clean bathrooms, weed, vacuum, mop, and I could make very basic foods starting in middle school (macaroni and cheese, eggs-over-easy sandwich, etc). On Saturdays once I was about 10 or 11 years old I wasn't allowed to go outside to play with my friends until I had cleaned the bathroom next to my room and dusted all of the furniture. I was also taught how to divide and manage my money using an envelope system (I had envelopes for: Christmas/Birthday gifts for friends and family, spending money, Gas, car insurance [I was responsible for a nominal portion of it], Savings). I also was taught how to write checks and balance a checkbook but I never actually balanced my checkbook once I lived on my own, I'm too lazy and I just monitor them online nowadays. My dad also taught me to do basic home and vehicle repairs, minor stuff. He also taught me a lot about cars in general so even though I couldn't fix most things myself I could identify what was wrong, how the vehicle should behave, how to hook up an engine code reader, so on and so forth so I could do a very basic diagnosis, decide if the car was safe to continue driving until repair, etc.

My own kids are 8, almost 7, and 5 -- Right now they are tasked with putting away their clean laundry (I usually fold it but now and then they "fold" it), "make" their beds, unload the dishwasher, switch laundry from the washer to the dryer and start the dryer, feed the dog, let the dog out to potty, and clean up their messes in general (kitchen table, crafts, toys). With the laundry and the bed-making I have to just let go that those things won't always look "nice" -- when they make their beds they try their best, definitely not magazine-worthy but they did it so I leave it alone. Their dresser drawers sometimes look like the clothes got into a fight in there, but they did it, so I leave it alone. As they get older they'll get better at it. Before they go out on their own I'd like to teach them at least what I had to learn, plus a few skills I never learned such as basic sewing skills - at least mending stuff, hemming and sewing buttons, none of which I'm very good at.

 

[Poohforyou]

My daughter pretty much knew how to do all the basics well before she headed off to college.

Laundry was probably the last thing she learned because it was just easier for me to do everything. When she started high school I had her start washing sheets and towels so she'd get the hang of it.

She knows how to do laundry, clean a bathroom, run the vacuum and cook basic stuff.

She's moved on to wanting to do things like file her taxes. She's a college sophomore.

 

[smiths02]

My kids learned most things just from their 18 years of living in our house, however if they want/need to learn something else they can just look for a YouTube video. In some of your examples like sleeping on a the bed without sheets, it sounds like the person was just lazy or honestly did not care. It’s not hard to make a bed and I’m sure he could have figured it out, he just didn’t bother. Nobody needs bed-making lessons if they have ever slept in a made bed lol!

I was going to say...anything I didn't get taught, I took it upon myself to find it on the internet or television (Food Network is where I learned to cook).
DH and I are researchers.

I have enjoyed so far that DS is in Boy Scouts...he has to learn a lot of basics.

I also think that DH and I would be there for our kids in some capacity. I mean not to do their laundry, but they could call and ask how to do it.

 

[luvsJack]

I never gave them “lessons” in anything. But as part of being persons in the household they cleaned the bathrooms, mowed the grass, cooked meals, washed clothes or whatever.

If I told them they needed to wash clothes, for instance and they didn’t know how, they asked and I told them. If they were going to start supper, I either wrote down the instructions or they would call me at work and I would tell them how to do it.

All three had the basics to know how to take care of themselves and others. None of it is particularly hard to do, just got to have a little want to, which may be what the people your kids are encountering may be lacking.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am seeing WAY more of what the OP describes in young adults my son's age than those who can be more self-sufficient.
Not only totally un-prepared, but Oppositional Defiant to any expectations or efforts.
I will even admit, that despite my rigorous efforts, at times I can include my son in that group.

It is a problem....

 

[NAB]

Well I thought I did a good job with my son , 20 at the time and lived away for 2 years in a dorm room then his own apartment. Anyway he moved back home , hubby and I went away for a week came home to a lot of dishes in the sink. Asked him to wash them which he preceded to do but he was putting a little bit of soap on a dish wipe it rinse it put it in the other sink. I was blown away at what he was doing since he saw me do dishes a million times. No wonder he never liked doing his dishes when away it would take for ever that way.

My daughter is away for the first time this year and has done laundry at home but a family of four has more clothes so we can have a white pile, light colours , colours like reds, and then darks. Well she calls on the weekend and can figure out her wash sorting because she doesn't have enough to do it that way. It was interesting trying to help when I couldn't see the pile.

So how hard we try kids still have a hard time or afraid to do it on there own because they may screw up. My had the life skills but didn't always remember stuff either if they didn't do it enough.

My son has moved out with his girlfriend they are a match made in heaven either don't really care for a super clean house or dishes done right after supper. Not my place to tell them any different I don't have to live there.

 

[jrmasm]

My oldest graduated from college a year ago. The was really only one thing I remember her commenting on that she was surprised that people didn't know how to do. Pump Gas.

 

[smiths02]

I never gave them “lessons” in anything. But as part of being persons in the household they cleaned the bathrooms, mowed the grass, cooked meals, washed clothes or whatever.

If I told them they needed to wash clothes, for instance and they didn’t know how, they asked and I told them. If they were going to start supper, I either wrote down the instructions or they would call me at work and I would tell them how to do it.

All three had the basics to know how to take care of themselves and others. None of it is particularly hard to do, just got to have a little want to, which may be what the people your kids are encountering may be lacking.

And some things are just life circumstances. I lived in an apartment all my childhood. I never learned how to do any yard work.
I was married to DH when I finally lived in a home. DH takes care of it. I still have no motivation for yard work.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh.... I would add that I think I might have an answer or a name for why some are noticing this 'learned helplessness'.
But... I think I know better than to actually go there!!!

 

[Frozen Canuck]

She's moved on to wanting to do things like file her taxes.

My daughter was just saying that she thinks that things like completing taxes should be a required course in college...even if it was just a short one.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Why required in colllege????
Why not part of a mandatory Life-Skills class for Seniors in High School?
Here, they are too busy being worried that every student take and pass classes like Trig and Calculus.

 

[Hikergirl]

I don't really remember giving specific lessons on how to maintain a household, it was just something the kids were taught as part of being a part of the household. Some things though are just common sense so what they don't know they will figure out.
Now, whether or not they want to do those things when out on their own is another story, but that doesn't mean they don't know or can't figure out how to do things. If that kid in your first example really doesn't know how to make a bed, it is just being lazy to to figure it out.
Other things like changing tires, (and brakes, and oil), how to use power tools, how to re-set the breakers, hook up the generator, turn off the main water to the house, were all things dh insisted on teaching them. I would have never even thought about that kind of stuff TBH.

 

[DLgal]

In our house, it is the single most important thing we stress. We could not care less about their grades in school. To be fair, they are both special needs kids NOT on a diploma path, so grades are meaningless.

We are working towards getting them both at least semi independent. Life skills are essential.

All that stuff you mentioned in your post, OP, my older son has down already. Our kids are 12 and 14 and both autistic.We are working hard to get the 12 year old up to the same level. My 14 year old has been doing laundry and vacuuming since he was a toddler (he is a strange kid). He and his brother take turns doing their laundry twice a week. They do it fully...wash, dry, hang up and fold and put away. I haven't done their laundry in over 5 years. My oldest has been cooking and baking since about age 6. He started making and decorating his own birthday cakes from scratch at age 7. At 11, I taught him how to properly and fully clean the bathroom he shares with his brother, and he has done it weekly ever since. I've been teaching them both how to grocery shop since they could start taking things off the shelves. They basically do it now...I hand them the list just walk alongside them. When a store has self checkout, I have them do it, and just hand the card over at the end so they can use it to pay. They write items on the list as we run out of them.

We are working on bed making, but they have a bunk bed so it is hard to get the sheets on. Its even hard for me! I do that part, they do the rest. As soon as my oldest turned 14 this year, I taught him how to pump gas. We recently needed to replace the flapper in our toilets so I asked the kids to figure out how to do it. They immediately went to You Tube, watched a video, and then did it. When things break, I give them to my older son and tell him to see if he can figure out a way to fix it. Sometimes he does, other times it's beyond repair and we throw it out (I do this with small electronic toys and things).

My 14 year old is super picky, so he makes almost all his own meals. My younger one has a lot of fears in the kitchen (sharp objects, hot objects, strange food textures, etc), so he is slow to take on food prep tasks, but we are still trying. Bought a toaster just so he wouldn't have to reach into the toaster oven, and got him tongs to hold things he doesn't want to touch, etc. So now he at least prepares his own breakfast of waffles, fruit and milk every day.

I really think often parents "do for" their kids WAY too long, often because it is faster/more efficient, but that really robs kids of the opportunity to learn to do for themselves. I was floored during back to school night last week when my 12 year old's teacher made it a point to tell the parents that they should be "starting" to teach their kids life skills at home now that they are in middle school. Starting???

 

[Hikergirl]

Ohhhh.... I would add that I think I might have an answer or a name for why some are noticing this 'learned helplessness'.
But... I think I know better than to actually go there!!!

As a SAHM I definitely blame myself for my kid's "learned helplessness". They know how to do things, but they also know if they don't do (some) that I'll do them anyway. However I am pretty confident that they do realize that mom isn't going to be showing up to their dorm or apartment to clean their bathroom while they are at school or work. They will eventually figure out that if they want it clean like it was at home they will have to do it themselves.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But what happens when one no longer 'does', and the teen / young adult is still totally unwilling to begin to try to do or learn.
the Oppositional Defiance.

It isn't as simple as 'doing'....
One can lead a horse to water, but if they choose not to drink.
Not to take any responsibility for learning how to meet their own needs....

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hikergirl.... true!!! to a point.
But, the thing is, that there are those, like those menioned here, that when mommy-servant isn't there, think that they are entitled, and somebody else WILL have to be there, to quote examples here, 'make that bed correctly', iron those items needed for that event or interview'.
See this WAY too often.

There are givers, and there are takers (the entitled).
And this is not always determined by the parenting.

I could even give personal examples based on myself (a doer) and a couple of my siblings. As well as many other people that I have known personally.

 

[mjkacmom]

My daughter was just saying that she thinks that things like completing taxes should be a required course in college...even if it was just a short one.

My kids started doing their taxes in high school (with help).