How many times do we sit and listen to it, again and again?

[Forevermarypoppins]

Back story: I met my very long time dear friend at work. At our work Xmas get together she had brought along a friend who was visiting from out of state. Somewhere in conversation, this out of state friend said something that a fellow employee took offense to. Next day fellow employee is blabbering about it non stop. I try to be the buffer and calm it down and later on tell my new friend what is happening out of her ear shot. We've been life long friends since. ( also, said fellow blabbermouth employeee was always a snot and back stabber who got fired for illegalities)

WE have a lot in common and we have many social differences! The #1 issue that we are not in sync is MONEY. The reason for the title of my thread? After +30 years I literally cringe every time she brings up how she was a single parent with one job, raising her kids, getting meager child support and how hard it was for her. On top of this she is comparing herself to her own family who has it better off than she was at that stage in her life and it's like the scab comes off the wound every week. I have never had it where I was destitute. I know I'm fortunate. But sometimes, I feel like after all this time, a person needs to stop dwelling on things that happened decades ago!!

I had to vent, not asking my advice really. Maybe wondering if there are others who have this situation also and I'm not the only one.
My family is leaving for WDW in 5 weeks and I have yet to mention it to her because I know the eye roll is coming and in her head she's saying " must be nice to have the money".

 

[gmi3804]

You have three choices here:

• Confront her about this and tell her to stop because you already know about her past struggles and are tired of constantly being reminded of it
• Choose to ignore it because you know it's a-comin', and talk all you want about your upcoming trip (or whatever is going to set her off) - or not
• Cut ties with her

Not an easy situation, but it's also not one of your making.

 

[lovesmurfs]

I'm not sure you can make someone step away from the story they repeatedly tell themselves. And she's definitely not going to change. When she eyerolls, you might just comment that you've been saving for a long time and how much you're looking forward to it.

If you say anything about her story, you're going to be the bad guy.

 

[gmi3804]

I'm not sure you can make someone step away from the story they repeatedly tell themselves. And she's definitely not going to change. When she eyerolls, you might just comment that you've been saving for a long time and how much you're looking forward to it.

If you say anything about her story, you're going to be the bad guy.

She owes no explanation. And sometimes you have to be the bad guy. If the friendship is real, you will be forgiven; you'd want to be treated the same if the situation was reversed. If not, then you're better off without it, because you're just being used as a sounding board for the other's doom- and gloom-baiting.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I'm never going to bring it up. I would never want to hurt feelings! For one thing, I don't remember things being as bad as she states. It's almost like a fish story ( imo ). Obviously, it's deep seeded.

 

[gmi3804]

I'm never going to bring it up. I would never want to hurt feelings! For one thing, I don't remember things being as bad as she states. It's almost like a fish story ( imo ). Obviously, it's deep seeded.

I understand. So it's up to you to decide to deal with it and not let it bug you too much. And to vent here now and then!

Remember, the only thing in life we have complete control over is how we react to things over which we have no control.

 

[Deb1993]

I know someone like this. It helps when they bring that situation up that you just respond something along the lines of, I don't know how you did it, so glad things are better now. I found that acknowledging it gives them the space to move on to something else.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yeah I don't think this warrants a harsh approach although tone from the person telling the story is obviously hard to get over written word.

I also think it was a bit telling for the OP to actually feel "a person needs to stop dwelling on things that happened decades ago!!" You're not talking about the time so and so did X you're talking about a person's entire life and crucial upbringing. That isn't about you needing to just suck it up and let someone vent all the time and egregiously but it does mean that sort of thinking means you may have gaps in your own ability to have sympathy. I know sympathy can dry up eventually but you should still be able to give someone grace if their situation was about repeated "being kicked" in life.

I absolutely agree with Deb1993 on this one, a lot of it is just about being heard and their experience being validated and often it ebbs down in being brought up. Honestly though if you really think about it in terms of it happened a lot time ago for this person and so they should get over it then maybe you should remove yourself from this friendship, a very dear friend TBH wouldn't normally think someone should just get over something if they understand the gravity of it, employed compassion and sympathy. It doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be the emotional dumping ground all the time but it also doesn't mean you actually think they should just get over it. Very dear friends leave, to use a PP phrase, space in their friendship for things.

 

[Kitty 34]

I have a couple of situations similar to yours and you ask the question "how many times you will sit and listen to it?" My answer as I know this for myself is "again and again" if you want to maintain the relationship.

As , again, I do for myself just enjoy the part that you hold "dear".

 

[John VN]

You have three choices here:

• Confront her about this and tell her to stop because you already know about her past struggles and are tired of constantly being reminded of it
• Choose to ignore it because you know it's a-comin', and talk all you want about your upcoming trip (or whatever is going to set her off) - or not
• Cut ties with her

Not an easy situation, but it's also not one of your making.

4th - -- Empathy is what we experience when we feel other people’s pain or joy—it is our ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, and understand and share what they are feeling.

Mom used to say listening - that's what friends are for

 

[CdnCarrie]

One way is to say very empathically "That must have been difficult" and then change the topic.

 

[goofyernmost]

Wanna know what is worse? Listening to someone go on and on about how wonderful their life is. How many of their children got a free ride in college because they could kick or throw a ball, how many promotions they have had and all the great things their bosses have said about them, how they just tore out their kitchen and refreshed all the appliances because they didn't like the color of something and it needed to be changed, how they are tired of always eating out at restaurants and how high the prices were for the food and how expensive the cost of Valet parking has gotten.

My point is that it sounds like your friend is just looking for someone to vent too, someone they felt they could trust and would understand just how miserable and disappointed they are at how their life turned out. I'll bet it is far easier to hear about it than to live it.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

An update ( I'm doing this for my own sanity, LOL because there is no one else I could speak to of this) said friend didn't have a nice, warm xmas as I expected she wouldn't. There are years of turmoil there ( her 3 adult children +) but I listen and try to accentuate the positives. It mostly falls on deaf ears. But my friend did start in about her adult child and grandchildren going shopping on the day after xmas and she couldn't think of any reason they needed to go to the mall. I said "well there's bargains out there" in a very light hearted tone and she says how happy she is that they aren't spending any of "her money" I didn't even ask what that meant and I changed the subject. I am convinced she has some very, very serious phycological issues with money. I, for one am getting wary of all of it. I'm not mentioning my vacation until the week of. Truthfully I have a very good reason I can bring up why I held off the news.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

An update ( I'm doing this for my own sanity, LOL because there is no one else I could speak to of this) said friend didn't have a nice, warm xmas as I expected she wouldn't. There are years of turmoil there ( her 3 adult children +) but I listen and try to accentuate the positives. It mostly falls on deaf ears. But my friend did start in about her adult child and grandchildren going shopping on the day after xmas and she couldn't think of any reason they needed to go to the mall. I said "well there's bargains out there" in a very light hearted tone and she says how happy she is that they aren't spending any of "her money" I didn't even ask what that meant and I changed the subject. I am convinced she has some very, very serious phycological issues with money. I, for one am getting wary of all of it. I'm not mentioning my vacation until the week of. Truthfully I have a very good reason I can bring up why I held off the news.

I think you're going to have to look at how you view her. You don't seem to really like her and that's painfully clear in your comments. It's hard to not feel annoyed at someone who does the things she says or does but it's equally hard to not feel annoyed at someone who almost seems to be around someone for not nice reasons. Like yes she's making an eye worthy comment but you're feeding right into it so you can what? say you're not psychologically hung up on money like she is? It could be any other vice here and I think it'd be the same result. Do you have her in your life because you want her to be there or do you have her in your life so you have someone who can make you feel more normal (especially about trips you're taking)? Rhetorical but your update really just makes me think the latter.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I think you're going to have to look at how you view her. You don't seem to really like her and that's painfully clear in your comments. It's hard to not feel annoyed at someone who does the things she says or does but it's equally hard to not feel annoyed at someone who almost seems to be around someone for not nice reasons. Like yes she's making an eye worthy comment but you're feeding right into it so you can what? say you're not psychologically hung up on money like she is? It could be any other vice here and I think it'd be the same result. Do you have her in your life because you want her to be there or do you have her in your life so you have someone who can make you feel more normal (especially about trips you're taking)? Rhetorical but your update really just makes me think the latter.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I think you're going to have to look at how you view her. You don't seem to really like her and that's painfully clear in your comments. It's hard to not feel annoyed at someone who does the things she says or does but it's equally hard to not feel annoyed at someone who almost seems to be around someone for not nice reasons. Like yes she's making an eye worthy comment but you're feeding right into it so you can what? say you're not psychologically hung up on money like she is? It could be any other vice here and I think it'd be the same result. Do you have her in your life because you want her to be there or do you have her in your life so you have someone who can make you feel more normal (especially about trips you're taking)? Rhetorical but your update really just makes me think the latter.

You could not be more off mark. it doesn't matter. I'm typing here because I don't complain about friends to other friends. Remember, I have over 30 years of stories and I've shared a few paragraphs here.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You could not be more off mark. it doesn't matter. I'm typing here because I don't complain about friends to other friends. Remember, I have over 30 years of stories and I've shared a few paragraphs here.

The other stories don't matter, that's the point. She could be the most obnoxious person out there but you need to decide what you want her in your life for. This is someone who you called a dear friend and then proceeded to dump on her and chose to update your thread to dump more on her. Are you a friend to her, is she a friend to you or is this just someone that is present in your life to serve a purpose or countless other things. Choose one and stick with it whatever it is. It's okay to let go of the connection you have with her that is usually preferable than sticking it out when you've gone on a different path in life.