How long until you feel like normal again?

[Floydian]

I agree with a couple of others. Find a friend or family member or whatever, and BE THERE when he comes for his stuff. It may be tough, but all he has the right to remove from your MARITAL home are his clothing and toiletries (just like packing for a vacation). Don't leave him to take whatever he wants...to make the choices for himself...because you can SEE what kinds of choices he's been making lately.

Beyond that, find a third-party to tlk to, some kind of counselor, no matter what happens with the marriage. If you want to save the marriage, that's ok. If not, that's ok too. But either way, you need a neutral third-party to help you sort out your emotions and thoughts; someone to help you sort out what you'll be wanting to do next, and what steps you need to take for yourself (and your DS).

How long until you feel like normal again? I wish I knew. My 4 year marriage (7 year relationship) fell apart 2.5 years ago, and I still don't feel like normal. Then again, I'm not really sure what normal is anyway.

And why do you fell the way you do? Because you have strong feelings for the man. Because you've been together for a long time. Because it's not as easy for you to throw away your marriage as it seems to be for him.

Lastly, I'll just advise you not to let him "have his cake and eat it too". If he has chosen to be with this other woman, than make that choice stick for him. Get an attorney, file papers, get things in writing. But don't let him "come back to you" for ANYTHING as long as he's with the other woman. Make him arrange specific visiting times to see your DS. Make him live without everything in your marital home until a legal settlement has been agreed to as far as who gets to take what. Remember...HE LEFT! He left YOU, he left your DS, and he left the HOME. He doesn't get to take any of that with him.

Best of luck to ya!

 

[kristen821]

Lastly, I'll just advise you not to let him "have his cake and eat it too". If he has chosen to be with this other woman, than make that choice stick for him. Get an attorney, file papers, get things in writing. But don't let him "come back to you" for ANYTHING as long as he's with the other woman. Make him arrange specific visiting times to see your DS. Make him live without everything in your marital home until a legal settlement has been agreed to as far as who gets to take what. Remember...HE LEFT! He left YOU, he left your DS, and he left the HOME. He doesn't get to take any of that with him.

Best of luck to ya!

Very good advice

 

[Disneycrazymom]

I am so sorry.

Today is the day to reach down and be strong for your son. Do not give your soon to be ex free reign in the house. If need be, it may be possible to ask a local police officer to be at your home with you. Also he needs to make an appointment to pick up his things. He no longer lives at your home and he is only allowed in when you are there and when it is convient for YOU! You need to pretend that you are strong, secure, and in control of the situation. (Fake it until you make it) After he has left ask a good friend to stay with you for awhile so that you can have a shoulder to cry on. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done, even labor will feel like an afternoon at the park but the tone you set right now will get you through the next few months. Just keep telling yourself that you are no longer emotionally attached to this person and that your job is to protect yourself and your son. YOU CAN DO IT!!! We are here to listen when you need us!

 

[figment52]

Do yourself a favor and get the best attorney money can buy. It will come in handy in the long run.

Document everything that has occured. It sounds stupid but may be necessary. Stuff such as him blocking your phone number and then being threatened with the police should be included. What would have happened if there was a legitimate emergency with your DS, heaven forbid.

He only takes his clothing, toiletries and any medications from the house (per my sister's atty). Everything else is considered a marital asset. Not sure how your DH is going to react but my sis's DH wanted to take the large screen tv and his tool chest immediately. Atty said not until the settlement is finalized. My sister is now using them as battering tools as he's making a play for her dog. She was ready to open the door and just have his stuff out of the house but we convinced her otherwise.

My Dsis just started the divorce proceedings in January. She still cries (usually on the phone with me when DD can't hear). Its okay to feel the pain. Good Luck with everything.

This is excellent advise.

The easy way out today is not to be home but you have to protect yourself so I would advise that you stay. List EVERYTHING he takes today. You may want to consider getting the locks changed to so nothing comes up missing.

Go to the ATM and get some CASH - just in case he freezes the accounts tomorrow, or worse yet, closes them. I know you don't want this to happen but you have to protect yourself and your child and have money for groceries and gas, school etc. And if you work outside the home DO NOT DEPOSIT YOUR PAYCHECK in your joint account any longer. OPEN YOUR OWN ACCOUNT. The bank will not get in the middle of this either. Joint accounts mean that each party has equal access to the funds on deposit and it is FIRST COME FIRST SERVE on withdrawals. I have seen many accounts closed a minute after the bank opens and ten minutes the other spouse arriving with the same intention and left penniless. Al least take half so you have operating funds.

 

[MsLeFever]

You need to pretend that you are strong, secure, and in control of the situation. (Fake it until you make it)

Worth repeating. When DH and I were going through a terrible time I had a friend that I could always call when I feared that I was doing something crazy...(I usually was) and she would just say "Yup, that's crazy - why would you want to do that? Aren't you more important than that?"

You'll know when you are making the right choices - because even if they hurt like crazy they make you feel strong and good. Lean on other people for awhile - people LIKE to be helpful and supportive.

Your serenity and peace (and that of your son) is the most important thing right now. If you pray I highly recommend the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Grab the things that are IN your control (wiser minds than mine have given you lots of specifics on this thread) and focus on that.

My prayers are with you.

 

[tevagirl]

Unfortunately I have no words of wisdom for you but you've already gotten quite a lot from others before me. We have some very wise people on these boards. Listen to them and know that our hearts are going out to you. It will get better.

 

[jan/cape]

I think packing his stuff and putting it in the driveway is way too kind. I would toss it all out the window! Let him collect it all in trash bags. It would also entertain you and possibly the neighbors. LOL That would make me feel a whole lot better!

 

[Stitchfans]

Some day you will see that you are better off without him. I wouldn't leave the house and let him into it alone cause who knows what he will take.

you need to protect yourself. for your sake and your sons. Honey you can do much better. get a lawyer and get rid of that guy. he isn't worth it.

 

[Disney1fan2002]

GJM, I am going to tell you the story of my brother and SIL. Please read it, and pay close attention to how it ended up, OK?

My SIL was just like you, it sounds. She and my brother had been together for 19 years, and for at least 2 years, she suspected that he was seeing other women. She went into denial. She refused to see it. She was terrified of being a single mom with 4 kids, so she put up with his drinking, his staying out all night, his accusing her of having a BF, and him basically coming and going as he pleased without any regards to her.

She was finally forced to see the truth last year. She was devasted,she had given him more than enough chances. She finally got mad enough to pack up his things, and leave them on the front lawn. When he came home, he started putting his things in his van, he got the message, and he wasn't even going to fight it. She panicked, and started begging him to come back in the house. He refused. I guess his decision was made for him, and he was happy with it. That devastated her even more. She now did not have any control over being a single mom or not, it looked like she was facing that fact.

A year later, she is happy, she has found her confidence and self esteem, she even has a boyfriend, and they DO things together with the kids. She is thrilled with her life right now. The best thing my brother did was to walk out on her. She would of stayed in that dysfunctional marriage for the "sake of the kids" and it would still be the same. Her being 100% mom and dad, while he came and went as he pleased. Now, the kids see him on the weekends, he is happy to see them, so he takes them places and does things with them, and they also have mom happy again.

Sometimes, you need to make a tough decision that will hurt, but in the long run, it will be for the best, and the pain won't last forever, and you will find happiness agian.

 

[S. C.]

I agree, withdrawal half of what the two of you have put in the bank and open your own account.

 

[MouseWorshipin]

First, you need to protect yourself and the kids. If he hasn't already, pull every cent out of the bank and stick it in a safety deposit box. Then call a good lawyer and find out under what circumstances it would be OK for you to have done that. Then say, "Why, that's exactly what happened!"


I am so sorry you are feeling so devastated and alone. To me, the guy sounds like a bum, but he's a bum you love, so of course it'll be a while before you get over it.

Please remember that others are thinking of and praying for you!

I never suffered a heartbreak like you are having now. So, here's the best advice I have: Try to keep busy, and try to force smilies. If you are busy, there is less time to be sad, and if you keep smiling, eventually it'll be because you wanted to.

 

[azgal81]

You deserve better then to have someone that will tell you they love you then cheat on you with his girlfriend. If my boyfriend/husband had a girlfriend I would be out of that relationship so fast if things are good why does he need someone else other then you? I don't think any relationship that involves two people is the healthiest relationship.

I would pack up his stuff if you can't do it have someone else do it for you, set it outside so you don't have to see him and move on with your life. This thing with his girlfriend will probably just be a fling but you have to ask yourself why does he feel like he needs someone else in the first place. If he came crawling back to me I would not take him back after he cheated on me. No way!

Sounds like this is for the best but yes it probably will take you awhile to move on from it. Hopefully you can meet someone else in the future and be happy like him.

 

[bettyann29]

I am so sorry. {{{HUGS}}

The best thing I can say is that a split is similiar to the 5 stages of death. You have to go thru it, can't go around it unfortuantely.
They are Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

You will be in a stage as long as you need to or in some cases want to. Your friends are pushing you towards acceptance and you are not ready.

There are no words I can say to make you heal, but I will say I hope you find a moment of peace today.

I agree... In time you will feel fine again.. I have been thru this.. My husband left me when I was 4 months pregnant with our DD. she is now 8.. It didnt take me 8 yrs but I was just using her age as a reference of how long its been.. I went thru the different stages and I did eventually get to acceptance and moved on.. I am a much better person and now years later I realize that I really wasnt all that happy.. We didnt have a bad marriage but I wasnt truly happy.. He was never there for our children and the funny thing is is that now he is the best father to them.. The crazy thing is your husband left you for her.. what makes her think he wont leave her for someone else?? What comes around goes around.. Just think about karma..

You will heal over time but it will take some time.. Dont let people tell you how to feel.. If you need someone to talk to that will listen and unconditionally.. we are here..

 

[GJM]

Thanks everyone for you kind words.

Disney1fan - that does sound exactly like my situation -

I haven't tried calling him or anything today even though I really want to.

I just feel very tired. I was thinking I should pack his stuff and bring it to his uncles house and he could pick it up there.

 

[kimmikayb]

I've been there...it's tough. You have a lump in your tummy, you can't stop crying and wondering why. You're probably blaming yourself (STOP that right now!). All you want to do is sleep but when you lay down you can't stop your mind. You're worried about your son, but you might be having a hard time taking care of him right now and that adds to your greive. You don't know how you'll go on with your future. Guess what? You will. It takes time and determination on your part. You don't need a person like that. You are special and deserve someone who will respect you and love you. You have gotten excellent advice here. Don't let him back in the house. Change your locks immediately. Pack his clothes and take them to his uncles. Follow the advice given about your joint accounts. You will be glad you did. Looking back for me, I wish I would have contacted an attorney immediately and filed for temp. custody and seperation. Seek counseling, this saved me from myself I swear. I'm not sure what would have happen had I not gotten an appointment immediately.

Last, follow the advice of the poster(s) who said do not let him have his cake and eat it too. You deserve better. Sending as many hugs as I can and feel free to PM me.

 

[Disney_1derland]

I'm SO sorry It takes a while, look at it as a grieving process. There will probably be a period of loss and mourning. There will probably be a period of anger. There WILL be a time of acceptance. You need to allow yourself to feel however it is you feel at any given moment. Get yourself some counseling, it will help. Probably would be a good idea to get some for your DS too. Don't try to suppress your feelings or to 'be strong', grief needs to happen, you are going through a huge lifechanging event.

Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

[poohandwendy]

I am not going to offer any advice, because the posts that precede mine offer excellent advice and I really cannot add anything better.

However, I do want to address 3 questions you are asking (sort of brutally honest, but important):

How can he do this to me, how can he just walk away ...how can he act one way last week and another today?:

The answer to that is that he has emotionally detached from you.

Imagine if an old flame of yours came along today and wanted you to be with him and leave your DH for him. You would not be able to do it, you may even feel really bad because of his heartfelt pleas...but you are not emotionally attached to him. So, you would try to be nice, but you would still not go with him. (bear with me, I am only trying to offer a parallel that describes the feelings, not the actual scenario)

At some point, your DH detached from you emotionally and attached himself to the 'other woman'. The pull to her is strong because he does not have the same feelings for you. It is strong in the same way it used to be strong for you. The feelings he has now, for you, are mostly ones of guilt for what he is doing to you and your child. That is what keeps him in your home and making promises he will not keep. But, he still is drawn back to what he feels so strongly attached to...the other woman.

He will not and cannot stay with you as long as he feels that. I'll be honest, it is really, really unlikely that is going to change. Any pleas you make do not make a strong case for his becoming attached to you again, if anything they remind him of guilt/responsibility and that probably angers him. It also probably reaffirms (in his mind) why he doesn't want to be with you, because you make him feel bad. I am NOT saying he should feel that way, just describing the way people justify their actions.

So, in all honesty, your begging pleading...crying...all of that is making you less attractive and more a reminder of guilt and responsibilities he doesn't want.

You can say to him "But you promised this, but what about our child? but what about our love? You said you love me" And he has no good answers for you, except that he doesn't want to stay, that he loves someone else, that he is sorry. He is emotionally detached, no amount of 'buts' are going to change that.

And the other question is Why don't I hate him, why do I still love him?:

Simply because you are still emotionally attached to him. That hasn't changed for you. You may be hurt, but you still have the same feelings because not enough time or hurt has happened for you to detach. And because you still want what he promised. You can't let go, because you are still emotionally attached.

The good news is that time and hurt will cause you to eventually lose feelings for him and while that seems awful, that empty spot will be filled with strength, if you seek it.

And How long to feel normal again?:

Well, until you have emotionally detached, it won't happen. However, once you start to, each day will become easier. And when you start doing things for you and your child, to secure your future, that will also help. It's a healing process. There is no regular 'recovery period' like after surgery...but I will say this, you will not start healing until you cut out the disease. That is a given.

Not sure how much any of my words can help...I am just trying to answer the questions you are asking. (I learned most of this in counselling...it was fascinating and healing for me)

I would suggest the same for you. And above all, my heartfelt thougts and prayers going out to you. I imagine this is the worst pain you probably have ever felt. I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Tigger113]

Sorry! I understand that feeling!

 

[mylilnikita]

Hi
I remember you from your post in February. Did he and gf go out of the country at the end of March? He is so stringing you along. Unfortunately, there isn't a on/off switch nor a designated time to start feeling like you should really not stand him. Do not listen to a thing he says, do not call him. Do not book a cruise with the thought of him going with you. Do not make any plans with him except to see him in court or when it has to do with him visiting your DS, other than that, stop it. I am honestly not trying to be mean, but he did this a couple months ago and you asked for advice and I guess he told you what you wanted to hear, but now, you need to do what is best for you and your son. Here are your choices: let him walk all over you and manipulate you and you be unhappy that you have allowed him to continually do this to you or go see a lawyer and follow through.

 

[GJM]

Well he did ask his uncle if he could stay there, that makes me feel a little better, at least I don't have any problems with my DS going to the uncles house.

He did come and get just a few of his clothes for now. I have not called, emailed or text him. He did leave a note and he mentioned if I wanted to go to dinner on Tuesday for my Birthday to email him and let him know. I'm thinking NO that's OK - I would rather go to Burger King with my DS!

He did mention about getting some help and hopefully in time things may work out and he can come home.

That is so true about feeling so tired and then when I go to sleep, I can't fall asleep or I do and then I am up crying.