How long until you feel like normal again?

[GJM]

Me & DH have been having some problems (him having a girlfriend), it has been a roller coaster of a year, he loves me & he doesn't. Yesterday he was out and texting me about what we were going to do last night and stuff. I tried calling him about 1 and he didn't answer, he calls from a restricted number and he was acting all weird, he said I will call you back, when he does it is from his GF house, the number was programmed in my phone. He tells me they made up and he is leaving and staying there. It was supposedly over with them and me and him were working on things, he even agreed to go to a marriage counselor. He hung up on me.

I call her house and she answered and said he doesn't want to talk to you and if you call here again I will call the police. Well we have a DS together so I can't get him on his cell and I can't call there, is that messed up or what.

I can't stop crying and I feel like death, we have been together for 13 years, married 10. When does the pain start to go away, why can't I just hate him for everything he has put me thru. Friday night he was telling me to book the Disney cruise for our vacation in May - why did he do this 3 days before my birthday.

I just want to stop crying and feel strong, he is suppose to come and get his stuff today, but I don't know when, I just don't want to be here.

Sorry it's long, I just needed to talk and it is too early to call anyone - Everyone seems to think this is the best thing because of how he has treated me. Why don't I feel like that?

Thanks for listening

 

[powellrj]

sorry I can't offer advise, but I really don't know what to tell you. I can feel the pain you are going through and can only imagine how hard this is on you. Can you leave now and be gone all day so that you aren't there when he comes???

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I am so sorry. {{{HUGS}}

The best thing I can say is that a split is similiar to the 5 stages of death. You have to go thru it, can't go around it unfortuantely.
They are Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

You will be in a stage as long as you need to or in some cases want to. Your friends are pushing you towards acceptance and you are not ready.

There are no words I can say to make you heal, but I will say I hope you find a moment of peace today.

 

[luckywife]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your situation sounds almost identical to what my best friend has been going through with her husband for close to a year.

The last time she found out he was cheating on her with his "girlfriend" she kicked him out of the house and stopped having any contact with him. Once she started moving on with her life and going out meeting new people, the snake came crawling back begging her forgiveness. I have no idea why, but she took him back.

I really don't have much advice for you but wanted to say that I know from watching my friend deal with this how hard it is. I also know, from her experience, that it does get better. I know that is easier for someone to say when they aren't going through it, but hang in there!!

I will keep you and your DS in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[kristen821]

I wish you the best and hope you can stay strong through this. You don't deserve to be treated like dirt. If possible I wouldn't even be home when he picked up his stuff today.

 

[MUFFYCAT]

I'm so sorry
You are better off without him. You deserve to be treated with respect.
That type of person will just wear away at your self esteem .
He took a oath at marriage that he's not abiding to.
Get a lawyer. please make sure he doesn't freeze the finances from you.

My heart goes out to you, I hope you have a friend or relative to lean on.

 

[escape]

Everyone seems to think this is the best thing because of how he has treated me. Why don't I feel like that?

It's probably hard for you because you love the man you think he is or can be and not the man he really is.

CJM, please look into some type of counseling. This is not a blowoff from me or other DISers but rather someone in person - a tool - to help you put things in perspective and to help guide you to a better life. Sometimes an outsider can help you see things for what they really are. Family members and friends are great sources of comfort but you don't always get objective advice.

In the meantime, hugs to you. We'll always be here to listen.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

I am so sorry that you're going through this.
Do yourself a favor and get the best attorney money can buy. It will come in handy in the long run.
Document everything that has occured. It sounds stupid but may be necessary. Stuff such as him blocking your phone number and then being threatened with the police should be included. What would have happened if there was a legitimate emergency with your DS, heaven forbid.
He only takes his clothing, toiletries and any medications from the house (per my sister's atty). Everything else is considered a marital asset. Not sure how your DH is going to react but my sis's DH wanted to take the large screen tv and his tool chest immediately. Atty said not until the settlement is finalized. My sister is now using them as battering tools as he's making a play for her dog. She was ready to open the door and just have his stuff out of the house but we convinced her otherwise.

My Dsis just started the divorce proceedings in January. She still cries (usually on the phone with me when DD can't hear). Its okay to feel the pain. Good Luck with everything.

 

[ADisneygirl]

I understand and I am so sorry. Please know that you will be able to wake up one day and not cry and not feel this pain as acutely. It will take time though and that's the part I'm most sorry about.

 

[GJM]

Thank you everyone for you kind words.

I can be out of the house, but I don't want to be all day.

No I am not pregnant -

 

[luv2nascar]

Don't let yourself be a victim. He seems to be making all the decisions, calling all the shots. Personally I'd feel better if I made sure he got all of his stuff, got a good lawyer, and was the one to file for divorce. He wouldn't be making any decisions for my son and me anymore.

good luck with whatever you choose.

 

[Poohnatic]

GJM, I've been in your shoes (without the child) and it DOES get better. It took several months to not have the black rain cloud over my head.

The most worthwhile thing I ever did was get therapy. I wanted to know what was wrong with ME, and came to find the worst thing I did was turn into his mommy. (I'd been verbally and emotionally abused for years) Therapy was the most enriching thing I've done in my life. Heck, if I could afford it, I'd go every week!

Suzanne

 

[Mickeyfaniam]

I am so sorry you are going thru this
Everyone above has pretty much said anything I would have to say....
except... if you're not at home when he comes for his stuff .... how can you control what he takes.....like Eeyore'sthebest said above... he should take only his clothes and personnal belongings. Can you have someone else be there for you? You wouldn't want to come back and find large shared items gone

lots of good advice above and I second the therapy suggestion.

 

[PhotobearSam]

You will greive for a long time...but you are greiving the past not the actual relationship you have now.

Remember that you DESERVE better...

Love is not an emotion, it's a behavior. If he behaved like this, he was not truely showing you love and you deserve real LOVE.

Be good to yourself and take time to really feel...You deserve good things in your life and you will need to find them for yourself. Pamper yourself and do things that you like. Do not cocoon yourself...Get out there and do things with people who love you.

I hope you find peace...

 

[Microcell]

I would have all this things sitting on the front porch for him. No need to come inside your house.

 

[diznygirl]

The best advice I can give you is this: listen to other people and do what they say. You are not thinking clearly now. You will need to be making some important decisions, and you don't want Mr. Wonderful taking advantage of you.

 

[GJM]

I was going to pack his stuff up yesterday and leave it in the driveway, I just couldn't do it - it just hurt so bad knowing that he wasn't coming back.

Why would he throw away our 13 years together for someone he has known for 1 year? All he has ever said was how bad she was for him and how he knows that I am better for him.

I wish I just understood how someone can tell you all this stuff about how much he cares and loves you and then call from his GF house (with her talking in the background) and tell me its over.

 

[shortbun]

I would have all this things sitting on the front porch for him. No need to come inside your house.

I was just thinking the same thing. Girl, you need to get MAD even if it's just for today. Call some friends right now-even old ones you've lost touch with- and get some help moving him out!!! Cry while you are carrying his clothes to the door, cry with your friends, cry when it's all outside but get his stuff out of there so he doesn't need to come inside. It's time to get tough even it you don't feel like it. If you can send your son somewhere for a playdate, do that too. He doesn't need to see this. Start rebuilding your life right now. I just know you know some people who would LOVE to help you with getting this stuff out of the house! Don't be alone when he gets there.

 

[SueM in MN]

I would have all this things sitting on the front porch for him. No need to come inside your house.

Good idea - although I guess I would check with the attorney first about that and also about changing the locks. There might be some weird thing that he could do if you leave it on the front porch or change the locks - like saying you kicked him out.

If you are there when he comes for his stuff, I'd suggest having someone there with you (preferably someone big and strong looking). That way, if he wants something other than clothing and personal belongings, you have someone to help you say no. I know someone who was gone when her DH came to get his things and she came home to a basically stripped house (he must have brought a big truck with him). He even took things that she had brought into the marriage with her (and later he said they belonged to his GF). Once it was gone, it was up to her to prove the stuff even existed. If you've got a camera handy, you may want to go into each room and take some pictures of things - they might be handy later.

 

[kristen821]

I was just thinking the same thing. Girl, you need to get MAD even if it's just for today. Call some friends right now-even old ones you've lost touch with- and get some help moving him out!!! Cry while you are carrying his clothes to the door, cry with your friends, cry when it's all outside but get his stuff out of there so he doesn't need to come inside. It's time to get tough even it you don't feel like it. If you can send your son somewhere for a playdate, do that too. He doesn't need to see this. Start rebuilding your life right now. I just know you know some people who would LOVE to help you with getting this stuff out of the house! Don't be alone when he gets there.

I agree. also, change the locks