How do you teach common sense...

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

to a teenager?

My dear sweet teenage stepdaughter hasn't really learned how to balance anything in life...most especially boys.

In the past, she's managed to lose good friends because she would flirt with her friends' boyfriends, causing breakups.

At 16, she has lost internet chat privileges for as long as she lives under our roof for having chats of a sexual nature with a boy.

She makes poor choices in boys because she has little belief that she is pretty, smart, or capable of being or becoming whatever she wants to be.

Now she has a boy who is interested in her...and she discovered this about two or three days ago.

Tonight I had to take away her cell phone because I went online and found that she has been on it for 217 minutes in the past two days...and I don't even have to ask who the phone calls were to.

The number of cell phone minutes she used is only part of the problem. The bigger picture is that she doesn't understand moderation and common sense when it comes to boys.

It's now 11:22 pm and I just answered her cell phone--it was her best friend on the line. I told the best friend that my daughter has lost her cell phone for the forseeable future. This girl is like a daughter to me...and I want to ground her too. She has no mother and needs supervision badly, but that's another story altogether.

So can someone tell me what to do? I'm about to my wit's end...

 

[CPM]

YIKES!!
As a mom of an 18 year old teen girl, I can honestly tell you that you can't tell them anything.
They know it all!!!!!!!!!!

 

[azgal81]

I don't think common sense is something you can teach, I think it's something she might need to learn the hard way.

As for the cell phone, maybe have her pay for her plan if she doesn't already that will teach her that if she goes over the minutes it will cost more and she would have to be responsbility.

I think teen girls just love boys and well talking on the phone. Having boys like them makes them feel popular and that's important when you are in high school.

 

[beckmrk04]

OMG. When I was a teen I was on the phone NONstop!!! Now I can't stand it.

The best thing you can do is be honest with her- kids crave being treated like "adults." Make sure she knows how you feel about the situation- and she'll roll her eyes and think you're totally stupid and overbearing. But, at least she'll have some point of reference.

But I think too that you can't really "teach" common sense, and if it isn't there, it will come from experience. I cringe when I think of how I sometimes acted when I was 16... It's just an odd age. You're not a "kid", but certainly not an adult, even though you think you are and won't realize for a while that you really aren't and that you really REALLY don't know anything.

 

[bicker]

The best thing you can do is be honest with her- kids crave being treated like "adults."

Great advice. Also, keep in mind that children will continue to search for what it is they're looking for, despite prohibitions (which might actually prompt them to look more, not less). So you can use this information strategically, by finding out what need they are trying to satisfy, and paving a different path to that need. You may prefer they not have the need, of course, but that truly isn't within your control. You can greatly influence how they get that need met, though: People, like electricity, will follow the shortest path.

 

[clarabelle]

I agree with the others about being honest with her.
I have been attending a parenting seminar and one of the things that has came out of it was "don't cry alone". Let her know how you feel and find out how she feels.
Also -Is her Dad in the picture? grandfather? Maybe it would be good for her to get some extra male attention? I think it is good for young ladies to get some proper male attention from that quarter so they know this is how they should be treated. Does that make any sense?
I feel for you. I have a ten year old girl and her instincts about social situations are not always that good. I worry about when boys come into the picture.

 

[Tiger926]

.

 

[Christine]

"Common sense" cannot be taught. Some people never "get" it and others seem to be born with it. Honestly, though, it seems as if you stepdaughter is wrestling with self-esteem issues.

And the flirting with friends issue: that will take care of itself. My DD's best friend started doing this at the beginning of freshman year and, as every girl in the school, started keeping their distance from her, I think she realized it and has "cooled" her behavior.

Teens girls have always been "phone abusers." I was one. Here's the difference. Back in the dark ages when I was a teen, the only choice I had was to use my parents phone (which they had control over). Plus, it was free and there weren't minutes and overages to worry about. Now, these kids have their own phones. They can be in their rooms at all hours of the night using the phone and the parents don't know until the bill comes.

I think you've done all the appropriate things in regards to punishment for the *stupid* behavior. But, I don't think there is anything you can do to get her wise up.

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, heavens, I think all of us parents of teenage girls wish we knew the answer to that one. DD is 15 and, up until last week, hasn't been really interested in boys nor is she allowed to date. So, my darling chatty child has suddenly become sullen unless she wants me to do something for her and wants to spend all her time with this boy. It's making me crazy.

I do know that with my dd--I tell her things, she rolls her eyes and thinks I'm dumb--then a week or two weeks later, she'll come to me practically repeating word for word my orginal advice. So I know she's listening to me--and if she wants to think it's her own idea, well, that's okay with me.

I guess my point is--that she is listening to you, so keep talking. Hopefully, it'll sink in before you're ready to tear your hair out. She's lucky that you care so much for her--and she'll realize it someday. At least, that's what I keep telling myself!

 

[Disney Doll]

to a teenager?

My dear sweet teenage stepdaughter hasn't really learned how to balance anything in life...most especially boys.

In the past, she's managed to lose good friends because she would flirt with her friends' boyfriends, causing breakups.

At 16, she has lost internet chat privileges for as long as she lives under our roof for having chats of a sexual nature with a boy.

She makes poor choices in boys because she has little belief that she is pretty, smart, or capable of being or becoming whatever she wants to be.

Now she has a boy who is interested in her...and she discovered this about two or three days ago.

Tonight I had to take away her cell phone because I went online and found that she has been on it for 217 minutes in the past two days...and I don't even have to ask who the phone calls were to.

The number of cell phone minutes she used is only part of the problem. The bigger picture is that she doesn't understand moderation and common sense when it comes to boys.

It's now 11:22 pm and I just answered her cell phone--it was her best friend on the line. I told the best friend that my daughter has lost her cell phone for the forseeable future. This girl is like a daughter to me...and I want to ground her too. She has no mother and needs supervision badly, but that's another story altogether.

So can someone tell me what to do? I'm about to my wit's end...

I am reading your post and getting a whole different thought. Common sense probably isn't her problem (well OK...I guess common sense is every teeneagers problem to some degree ) but it sounds more like her problem is self-esteem.

Reread your post... lost friends because of flirting with boys, lost Internet priveleges because of sexual chats with boys, poor choices in boys because she doesn't feel she is pretty or smart or whatever, glomming on to a boy that likes her.

The kid has self-esteem issues. She doesn't think she's worthy, so she does "whatever" it takes to get people (namely boys) to like her. Attention from boys makes her feel beautiful, special, loved, and she doesn't care how she gets attention, or who else she hurts in the process.

What does she do that she's good at? Sports, music, art, drama? Find something. And get her immersed in it. Get her Dad more involved with her...daughters learn about men first from their fathers.

The child needs success in something, positive attention from an important man or two in her life (Dad, Grandpa, favorite uncle, trusted family friend), she needs the example that looks and clothes are not what makes a person, that the content of one's character is what counts.

Children learn what they live. Families need to look closely at their dynamic to see the example they are setting, the behavior they may be, unconsciously, exemplifying.

 

[Rafiki Rafiki Rafiki]

Disney Doll, I think I agree with you about the self-esteem issue the most.

She has had a low self-esteem for as long as I've known her. But she's also very ADD...she has never really stuck with anything very long.

I've really kindof forced sports on her because she needs the physical activity...and that could be the reason she doesn't try. She has been the official bench warmer on every sport. She also never wants to give any sport a second season.

She is completely into anything related to Vogue or high fashion...and she wants to be a plastic surgeon when she grows up. But again, she has trouble sticking with anything because she doesn't see immediate results.

 

[lillygator]

I also don't think you can teach common sense...my darling sister just turned 21 and doesn't have a lick of it!

 

[Magickndm]

Nope, you can't teach common sense, it's something you learn as you get older.
I'm another one who sees more of a self esteem problem here. I also think if she's not into sports, why push it?
Being a teenager just sucks most of the time. I wouldn't go back there for all the money in the world.

Good luck.

 

[Maleficent13]

Really, I'm not seeing anything out of normal teenage behavior in your post...boy crazy, spending all her time on the phone, flirting...all pretty typical stuff. Her friends will teach her the lesson about flirting with their BFs faster than you will be able too...I wouldn't worry about that.

Other than the money issue with the cell, I wouldn't be overly concerned. I'd just take the cell and make her use the house phone. JMHO, YMMV.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am assuming her ADD is being addressed in some way, with meds, therapy or some combo of the above.

If fashion design is her thing, then get her going with that. If she loves to draw fashions, then let her have at it. Are there continuing ed classes in your area that would let her in to do fashion design? If plastic surgery is her thing, then are there any additional biology classes she can take where she can dissect and cut to her heart's content? How abot a local museum? We have ahands on museum in our area that does great stuff.

Please don't think that I am implying that you are not trying or concerned. I know you are. I remember many of your posts about your family and know that their welfare is your primary concern. I am trying to think back to those many years ago when I was in high school and what I enjoyed. I had a pretty good level of self-esteem, and I firmmly believe it was because of extra-curricular involvement doing things I liked, and, therefore, was good at. Volleyball, school plays, yearbook committee, the Keyette(service) Club, plus the numerous insundry other little activities, events and fundraisers that went on. I was encouraged to be very busy, which kept me out of trouble, kept me from spending an inordinate amount of time worrying about boys, and gave me successes that built up my sense of self-worth.