How do you TACTFULLY make requests to grandparents, aunts etc?

[acename]

I'll put on my flame suit just in case. I know how these parenting threads seem to go.

Inspired by the picky eater thread, someone said parents aren't the only ones with influence on what their kids eat. Grandparents, aunts and uncles and others do too. This really hit home for me. I try to feed my daughter pretty well most of the time. she loves salad, rice, most fruits and vegatables, pasta, yogurt and lots of other healthy options. I'm not saying She does eat the occasional hot dog, mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese are her favorite foods, but she still doesn't get those things everyday. My problem is that when she's around other people, particularly my sister, she gets fed all kinds of candy and junk. Now we're around my sister a lot, so it's not just an every now and then sort of thing. My kid is two and half, she doesn't need a whole bag of m and m's to herself every day. She doesn't need one of those Bug Juice drinks that's full of HFCS and lord knows what else (even if it does have Vitamin C ). And no one asks me before they give it to her. I'll turn around and she'l be walking around with a bag of candy or a honey bun or whatever.

And the problem isn't even about just food. People buy her things all the time. She has more toys than we have room for. She has more nightgowns than she can ever hope to wear. She has clothes falling out of her closet, most of which I didn't buy. It's getting to the point that she's expecting gifts, which I really don't like. I'm working on that, but it's hard to make a two year old understand.


Anyway, how do I tactfully ask people to stop this stuff? And it's not that I'm not appreciative. I understand that they love her and want to spoil her, they're doing a great job of that . I just wish that my sister, mom and mil (the main culprits) would understand that they can spend time with her and that's enough.

 

[golfgal]

You can't really stop people from buying gifts but you can use it as a learning lesson for your daughter. When she receives a new toy or nightgown, she had to take an old toy to a homeless shelter or food shelf, for example.

As for the food, you have a choice, make an issue out of it and battle this for the rest of your DD's life or continue to feed her healthy food at home and ignore what she is eating with others. Since her main diet is healthy, what she eats elsewhere is not really going to hurt her.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

You are young. It will end. My oldest got all the that jazz. My second dd did NOT get doted on.

Since you are over at your sister's a lot, let it go. One day that will all end. You will want to look back at happy memories instead of trying to control your family. Which is like trying to herd cats. The choice you have to make is to lessen your time at your sister's. Not sure if you want to go that route.

Then when they are older, like the doted one who is now in college, they get nice gifts from people & it comes in handy.

I do remember being pretty irritated with all the "junk". But it will pass.

 

[acename]

Thanks you all. I like the idea of having to donate some toys. I think she might understand that. I don't want to limit the time with family so I guess I'll probably just let it go. The biggest thing with the food is that no one asks first. Then there's really no way for me to say no without looking mean. I'm not afraid to be the mean mom if I have to be but I hate being put in that position.

I'm sure it'll pass. I'm already noticing that a difference with my son. They do things for him, but not like it was when she was first born.

 

[Pastamom]

I totally understand where you're coming from. We have had the same issue with both food and gifts from IL's.

DH and I have talked to MIL many times but it has fallen on deaf ears. Both DS's do not handle sugar well. We have a "special occasion" policy now which seems to work ok except for when MIL seems to forget. A little junk food now and then won't hurt them.

As for the junk gifts, they quietly go to Goodwill after they have been forgotten about.

On the other end of the spectrum - my Dad does not do anything "special" for my boys. He doesn't think it's necessary I guess, because even when I suggest something (like a small Easter gift) nothing happens. Not sure which is worse. Wish they could find a compromise.

Good Luck.

 

[ZeitgeistDuck]

I think you've gotten good advice here, right on the money. I would let it go. Its not worth getting your family upset over. Junk food during visits isn't going to hurt her if you feed her well at home. Maybe the only thing I'd do is start to work with your daughter to make her understand she needs to ask you first before she eats anything. I can absolutely understand not wanting her to have a whole bag of M&Ms at once (my daughter is almost 5 and she doesn't even eat a whole bag at a time the once a month or so she has M&Ms). Ultimately appreciate that they are just doting on her... and like someone else said, it will definately pass.

You will likely get advice here screaming about boundaries and how you are the parent, they MUST LISTEN TO YOU, blah blah. I have to tell you IMO that is not contstructive. Most people aren't spoiling grandbabies and neices because they have boundary issues. When you start laying down a bunch of arbitrary rules for how your family can behave with your child it takes the joy and fun out of visits and can damage your relationship with them.

If they were watching your child every day, that would be one thing, but every now and again... nah, let it go.

 

[shortbun]

And that's why we feed our children in a healthy way-because dear aunty gives them M&Ms. On my sons's 1st birthday, my sister filled his highchair tray with M&Ms and laughed at me when I expressed horror. lol! My kid eats very healthfully now at age 14 and his aunt and grandma continue to give him things that will rot his teeth. He takes their treats and sometimes just puts them in his pocket, lol! Maybe your daughter will learn to eat those treats in moderation too.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If your child is being overshowered with gifts, I'm not sure you can keep up by trading out old toys for the new trinkets that come along.

That's a huge turnover of perfectly good toys/clothes.

If they are really overwhelmingly overgifting your child. I'd simply have to put a restriction on it until they get the point and understand that they don't need to buy your dd's affection.

Envision what you feel is appropriate (holidays, birthdays whatever....) and tactfully lay down the law.

Just b/c they may not like what you have to say--doesn't make it tacky.

As long as you come across as appreciative for what they have done while explaining that it simply is too much--then place your guidelines.

Then--be ready to enforce them. IF they give your child a gift out of those guidelines--thank them and then promptly donate it.


As for food--I don't want to get into that much. But if they feel that they show love for my child by expressing so much disdain for my wishes to outright do whatever they please...I would commence with limiting any visits that are unaccompanied.

Your family is showing your child love in a strange way and "generous" is not the word I would use.

I'm not afriad to look mean to my child--if they offer something that I don't want my child to have--then I have no problem with taking it.

 

[anniemae]

I would probably let the food thing go, although it would bother me as well.

I teach dd to come to me and ask if it is okay to eat whatever someone gives her. That way if she comes to you with it, you can portion out to just a few m & m's instead of the whole bag, or say, " we can't eat that donut now, but we can take it home for dessert later." Then we wrap up the donut to take home. I do this with my dd and 9 times out of 10 she forgets about the donut and I throw it out.

 

[MichelleVW]

Just let it go. It sounds like they are doing it out of love and as long as she isn't around these people every day to get all that junk food don't worry about it.

People buy her gifts because they love her and are thinking about her, I know sometimes it can be a lot of stuff, but just accept it graciously and do with it what you want.

 

[LisaR]

My sister and I almost came to blows over food but I won. When my daughter was less than 2 MONTHS old, we were at a big family picnic and my sister was dipping her finger in whipped cream and feeding it to my baby.

A month later, we went out for my birthday and she was feeding her applesauce off her finger. Granted, it was better than whipped cream but she wasn't even 3 months old yet.

We had very heated words and my sister still gives me a hard time about it today (15 years later). She still insists that I was being too picky but she never did it again.

Whenever people gave my kids bags of M&M's or something similar, I had one of two responses:
1. I would take it from my kids and tell them they could have it later for a snack so that way I could portion control it. We would run errands early in the morning and it always amazed me how many grocery stores, banks and even the fruit market would give my kids a cookie or a bag of Skittles.

2. I would portion control it right there on the spot.

I know many people believe in moderation and I do, as well. However, I have learned that I have a much different idea of moderation than most people.

 

[MichelleVW]

My sister and I almost came to blows over food but I won. When my daughter was less than 2 MONTHS old, we were at a big family picnic and my sister was dipping her finger in whipped cream and feeding it to my baby.

A month later, we went out for my birthday and she was feeding her applesauce off her finger. Granted, it was better than whipped cream but she wasn't even 3 months old yet.

We had very heated words and my sister still gives me a hard time about it today (15 years later). She still insists that I was being too picky but she never did it again.

Whenever people gave my kids bags of M&M's or something similar, I had one of two responses:
1. I would take it from my kids and tell them they could have it later for a snack so that way I could portion control it. We would run errands early in the morning and it always amazed me how many grocery stores, banks and even the fruit market would give my kids a cookie or a bag of Skittles.

2. I would portion control it right there on the spot.

I know many people believe in moderation and I do, as well. However, I have learned that I have a much different idea of moderation than most people.

If your sister is still taking this badly after 15 years, I don't think you "won". You may have gotten your way, but to me I don't think a little applesauce or treats from a special aunt is worth the hard feelings.

We got all the junk food we wanted from our Grandparents and as adults we all eat healthy and had no ill effects....I just can't see it being that much of a big deal.

 

[Christine]

The gift/stuff thing I would just let go. Either it give it away or have a big yard sale one day, sell the stuff, and put the funds in her college account!

The food is a different matter. I don't ever want to get into controlling food; however, you visit your relatives a lot. My DD also saw her grandparents five times a week. If they were feeding her junk on those five times, it would be more than the "occasional treat" and I suspect that's what's going on?

The issue here is not so much that it's junk but little kids get their taste buds "ruined" pretty easily but junky/sugary/fatty foods. If she's getting this stuff several times a week from your family, it will begin to interfere with her preferences at mealtime at home. Ages 2-5 become the "food wars" with little kids when they are offered too much junk. Those sugar-laden juice bottles, constant bags of candy, etc, will start to make a difference in how much she enjoys water, milk, regular fruit, and veggies.

If a family has no issues with serving this kind of junk regularly there will be no "tactful" way for you to approach it. They will roll their eyes at you. You just have to decide how important this is.

 

[EllenFrasier]

As far as the gifts go, you probably cannot stop that unless you want to hurt their feelings. If they are in financial difficulty or something, then that is different because they are using the money on things your dd does not need when they might need it for their own family.
If you are not planning on any more children, sell the items on Ebay and put the money away for college for your dd -or- donate the items to charity.

As far as the food goes, ask them to ask you if it is alright if your dd has something before they give it to her. Tell them you are trying to keep track of what she eats so she does not get an upset stomach. That way you are not judging them or criticizing them, just teaching them a new behavior. "Hey Sis is it okay if your dd has m&m's" is not that hard to say.

 

[LisaR]

If your sister is still taking this badly after 15 years, I don't think you "won". You may have gotten your way, but to me I don't think a little applesauce or treats from a special aunt is worth the hard feelings.

We got all the junk food we wanted from our Grandparents and as adults we all eat healthy and had no ill effects....I just can't see it being that much of a big deal.

Which is why we all have the right to raise our kids as we see fit. I feel whipped cream is inappropriate for a child under the age of 2 months but to each their own. And yep, she still teases me about it because she still thinks my teens are deprived individuals. "Won" isn't the right word because it isn't a contest but I did "win" because I am raising my kids the way that I see fit and not the way she feels I should. I never said I actually like my sister.

 

[mykidsand_i]

You are young. It will end. My oldest got all the that jazz. My second dd did NOT get doted on.

I do remember being pretty irritated with all the "junk". But it will pass.

Yeah, I will agree there. My oldest got a TON of stuff from the grandmas and my husbands brother and sister. It slowed down though, and now that we have 2 they get a lot less.

I read from a pp something that I TOTALLY DID and agree 100% with!!! When ever she gets something new, donate at least one item that it will replace!!! Don't form emotional bonds with clothing and think that you need to keep it all. If you plan to have more kids- just keep what you like the most out of all the stuff she gets.

I agree with you about 'kids expecting gifts' every time people come. I know it's annoying and it's hard to break them of 'expecting things' from certain people.

My in-laws come to visit 2 maybe 3 times a year, when ever they come, they bring a large gift bag full of stuff (most of it isn't really worth wrapping, but that's a different story!!!) The girls always get an outfit and a bunch of candy/toy things that fall apart in less than a month. The CANDY DRIVES ME INSANE!!! There is TONS of candy- and then when my Inlaws are here, they feel that they have the right to tell my girls when they can and cannot eat it. We've had many 'spats' about that!!!

Well, this last time they came, they brought each girl a large gift bag and before the girls could even give them a hug and say hi- they said "where's our gift bags?" I was mad. They got mad at my girls for asking about getting things...which is my in-laws fault more than my kids!!!

This was the time we asked them to stop with the candy all together. Most of the bag was stuffed with candy and crap.

 

[MM27]

I can't answer your question because I am one of those relatives you speak about.

My brother is the only one of the three of us that has children. His daughter is an only child. My sister and I both treat her very well. If I'm out at a store and I see something that I think she will like I buy it. I'm not trying to compete with her parents or doing it for some twisted, evil reason. I love my niece and I like to buy cute dresses or other things for her. I don't think my brother and sil have a problem with it (at least they never let on that they do). I'm taking her to Disney World next year and my sil has said several times how excited my niece is.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

If your sister is still taking this badly after 15 years, I don't think you "won". You may have gotten your way, but to me I don't think a little applesauce or treats from a special aunt is worth the hard feelings.

We got all the junk food we wanted from our Grandparents and as adults we all eat healthy and had no ill effects....I just can't see it being that much of a big deal.

Respectfully--her sister was an idiot--you don't introduce those foods at 8-12weeks of age.

It was ignorant and potentially dangerous.

TWO MONTHS is way to early for adults to be taking it upon themselves to indulging a child with food that the American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't suggest until many months later.

You may not be seeing it as a big deal--but her dd could have had an unknown allergy and the idiot Aunt was more concerned about egging on her sister by feeding the kid than her health.

Yeah--not the same as junk food from grandma when you are 5. Not even close.