How do you know when divorce is right?

[Beastlover]

Wow, we are in the same boat. I am in counseling now, leaning towards divorce. Hard, hard, hard. I still don't want to hurt him. I just don't love him. He's trying real hard, but its more than helping around the house.
I have faith that I will choose what is right for me and my daughter. I can only wish you luck and

 

[Snoopymom]

I bet seeing that thread on the workaholic husbands didn't help.

No answers, just wanted to say, I can't believe how many women I know right now who are working 4 times harder than their husbands...full time job, all the chores, the cooking, the shopping, the cleaning, all the kid stuff, the bills, the errands, the yard work, always put themselves last, do nothing they enjoy for themselves, and have absolutely no free time. I see myself falling into that hole sometimes, and I can easily see where it could lead to divorce if left unaddressed. I hope counseling helps.

(oh, and we jokinginly call it "be a jerk, get out of work" at our house, which usually prompts dh to start helping.)

Lots of hugs!

 

[mickeyboat]

Wow, we are in the same boat. I am in counseling now, leaning towards divorce. Hard, hard, hard. I still don't want to hurt him. I just don't love him. He's trying real hard, but its more than helping around the house.
I have faith that I will choose what is right for me and my daughter. I can only wish you luck and

Sorry, Michelle. A good friend of mine has the same issues, and has decided to divorce. She said he started trying way too late, and she could not get the feelings back for him that she had before. They had tried counseling before, and he would go, but refused to talk. He wants to try counseling again, but it's just too late for her.


Denae

 

[MAKmom]

You know in your heart when its time to end a marriage. Your taking it slow. Is there any joy in your life with him?

 

[RadioFanatic]

I don't have any advice, but could please put some paragraph breaks in your original post, pretty please?

was this really necessary? It's obvious she was pooring her heart out and you had to put this?

Anyway, I think counseling is an amazing idea. I also think, for your own sanity, you may want to consider hiring someone to do at least one of the chores you always seem stuck doing, whether it be for lawn care, housekeeping, laundry, whatever. You certainly deserve it. I did that with housekeeping and it helps me a lot, both physically and mentally. to you.

 

[pearlieq]

was this really necessary? It's obvious she was pooring her heart out and you had to put this?

I don't think she meant it to be mean--she phrased it as nicely as possible.

I just don't see what the big deal is about asking her nicely to make her post a bit more readable so everyone can offer advice. I know my dyslexic DH would never have been able to make it through a huge chunk of words like that.

It's not like she corrected a typo or something just to be mean. There's a real, functional reason behind the request.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I was so surprised to see this because whenever I see your siggy pic I always think "What a perfect looking family"...I know, looks are deceiving. I can only tell you that I knew it was time for me to leave when my ex was away on a business trip and I realized I was SO much happier when he was gone. I wish you all the best.

herein lies the problem don't you think?

looks sure can be decieving...your family is gorgeous but a picture DOES not tell a story.

I can only say that I am sure you are not the only one questioning things, as is our right as humans to do so.

I agree with vettechick when she agrees with Dr Phil, you do have to work your way out of a marriage, true. But sometimes your partner checks out on you. In some way shape or form someone does the checking out.

I am a product of divorce and have been divorced myself. I can say for me, I am happy with my decision. My girls adjusted fine and are probably going to be even happier to be away from chaos and unloving parents.

You can not look for everything in one person. You can't. It does not exist. Can you live with your partner forever, that is the question. Can you?

I think it speaks volumes that your daughter wants to go to family counseling. I would do so without hesitation. I hear you when you say in your opinion its over but you owe it to your children to give it everything you've got...and go from there.

I am really sorry to hear about all your troubles. I know many will disagree but I do believe we have a soul mate and a few are very lucky to find them.

I sincerely hope you can ease the pain in your family. Everyone deserves love, honesty and a safe place to fall

I hope you find yours

 

[siouxi31]

The request for paragraph breaks is no problem. I'd go back and put them in but I'd probably put them in the wrong places. English was my worst subject. Thank goodness for spelling being tied to the grade. I was just typing as I was thinking and everything came out. I needed to see it all in writing.
You know what the worst thing about this is? I'm fantasizing about living as a divorced woman. It's one of those grass-is-always-greener on the other side things, or at least I think it may be like that. I'm not sure if the situation would be better or worse.
I thought about him being married to another woman and what would tick me off the most is if he made her dreams come true but he wouldn't do it for me.
What I get out of everyone's feedback is to do the counseling. I'm in no hurry and it can't hurt right?
I'm beginning to think that I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. I've struggled so much with trying to find something that we connect on that I've been down many different avenues just trying to get somewhere with us. I need to take a breather and find myself. Next week will be good. I'm going to WDW solo for my 40th to do some meditating.
My husband was joking that I'm going there to find another fellow disney lover (male). I told him sternly that the last thing I want is another man in my life. I need to get this problem solved before bringing in another one.

 

[MAKmom]

Your pretty, you have a good job & you do yardwork. Your husband is a fool!

 

[HERSEY]

Don't worry about breaks in your sentences. You need to let it out and not worry about sentence stucture. I'm glad your going away sometimes it helps. When are you going. Remember if you do decide to go to counselling
it oftens gets worse before it can get better. Not every problem can be fixed. Often what seems important today is not important tomorrow. I sometimes wish I listened to my own advice.

 

[MOMOFMNM]

The request for paragraph breaks is no problem. I'd go back and put them in but I'd probably put them in the wrong places. English was my worst subject. Thank goodness for spelling being tied to the grade. I was just typing as I was thinking and everything came out. I needed to see it all in writing.
You know what the worst thing about this is? I'm fantasizing about living as a divorced woman. It's one of those grass-is-always-greener on the other side things, or at least I think it may be like that. I'm not sure if the situation would be better or worse.
I thought about him being married to another woman and what would tick me off the most is if he made her dreams come true but he wouldn't do it for me.
What I get out of everyone's feedback is to do the counseling. I'm in no hurry and it can't hurt right?
I'm beginning to think that I don't even know what my dreams are anymore. I've struggled so much with trying to find something that we connect on that I've been down many different avenues just trying to get somewhere with us. I need to take a breather and find myself. Next week will be good. I'm going to WDW solo for my 40th to do some meditating.
My husband was joking that I'm going there to find another fellow disney lover (male). I told him sternly that the last thing I want is another man in my life. I need to get this problem solved before bringing in another one.

don't think what he'll do for someone else...that is irrelevant at this point because he is not doing "it" for YOU and that is the point here, right???

I NEVER think of my ex husband doing things for his new wife (that he left me for) over me...it is just a non issue to me. Then again I don't love him. Maybe that is where your frustration comes from.
I was just ready to be done with it...I cried for my daughters but never for myself...

I can understand your unhappiness, truely I can. You sound very SICK of it all...but you still sound to me like you have a little desperation left..and that might be a good thing because I was just DONE with it and it was OVER. See what I mean??

Ultimately we know what we need and waht we are willing to live with and without...sometimes that changes and we also need to make some changes...whatever that may mean for you.

It is very hard to go through stress and problems in a marriage...more people suffer from this than they let on I can assure you

honesty at least lets you get it off your chest and out of your head...that feels better...

 

[Mimi Q]

FWIW, here's my mother's advice on divorce- when you get a divorce you are just trade one set of problems for another. Hope you can work it out. You have a beautiful family.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I cannot say what the right answer is for you, but I will say it is worth getting counseling to help your family, whether you stay married or not.

Who knows? Maybe your dh will surprise you? If not, then earn your way out.

 

[momrek06]

I agree with the Posters who have suggested counseling. Please try that and try it for a while. It may just work out. Also I think your son may need something like counseling as well. He needs help in getting focused, focused on his school work. Your son not doing well in HS is probably on your mind 24/7 along with the situation with your hubby and none of this is healthy. You need to make some phone calls and now...call your MD and ask for the name of a marriage counselor and a counselor for your son as well.

You are a beautiful family. for all!!

Keep us all posted as to your progress!

GOOD LUCK!

 

[JoiseyMom]

How do you know when divorce is right?

You will know it is right when you don't feel any doubt. Instead of thinking is this the right thing for me and the kids, you feel relief. You will know it. I never regretted my divorce. I also don't wish I had done it sooner. If I had, I would have always wondered, what if?? When I did make the decision, it was great. It was hard, and my boys were young when I separated. They were 6 months and 18 months. It was the best decision I ever made. Just give yourself time, go to counseling, and your head and your heart will eventually tell you what you want. Good luck!

 

[punkin]

I just wanted to say, I'm sorry. My mother used to say that you should only get a divorce if her drinks, drugs, gambles or is abusive. I'm not sure I agree with that (and she had 3 husbands so...) Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Michelle2]

It is very hard to go through stress and problems in a marriage...more people suffer from this than they let on I can assure you

I soo agree with this. Many couples that I thought had perfect marriages were contemplating divorce at one time or another, but with counseling, and a little hope left, they were able to stay together. (Not saying that any marriage could, just in their situations.)

Hugs to you, and have a great trip to WDW for your 40th. I hope it can give you the meditation and thought that you need!

 

[Aidensmom]

I think the counseling is a good place to start.

It sounds like you are really at a crossroads where things need to change so you are both happy, or it needs to end. I have been to that point, and it was hard to actually go through and make a decision. Divorce is never easy.

I hope the best for you however things turn out.

 

[Planogirl]

You sound very burnt out. I would just advise that you take your time making this decision. It's hard to see past anger sometimes, not that I blame you at all. I recognize a lot of that anger myself so I can relate in some ways.

Good luck and hang tough.

 

[kristen821]

Good luck with your decision this must be very hard for you.