How do you handle playdates when there is a situation

[npmommie]

my dd has a friend the same age as her, the mom always wants playdates, and the friends older brother always has to be included. he is a "young" 11 year old.( he might even be 12)
my dd and her friend are 9. so i end up going over there with the kids,and the 11 yo always has an issue, they are not playing what he wants or how he wants on and on.
its bothersome to me, and i wish she would agree to a playdate with just the younger but she wont, so she has been pressing me for awhile about a playdate but i have been non committal, now she just sent me a scathing email, she is upset and thinks i dont want to be friends anymore ( her and i are friends)
so i sent back an email, trying not to sound too offensive about why i dont' want to, so i can see the poop hitting the fan today.

so how would you handle it if you were in this situation?

 

[mjkacmom]

Doesn't he have his own friends? I can't even imagine ds11 wanting to play with dd8 and her friends. Is he delayed? I'd just tell her the truth.

 

[npmommie]

Doesn't he have his own friends? I can't even imagine ds11 wanting to play with dd8 and her friends. Is he delayed? I'd just tell her the truth.

he has a couple friends of his own. he is not delayed, just very immature for his age.
example........we were at the playground one day, the kids were all playing riding scooters, and for whatever reason he got mad over something, and went off to sit by himself with his head down, he does that all the time, he runs off if things don't go the way he wants. i can't explain it fully in writing, but its kind of an issue he has.
i should mention the friend of my dd is a boy, so maybe thats why the mom insists on including both her boys? i don't know.
and then at times the 12 year old tries to get bossy with my 5 yo. and i have to step in a lot, and i hate that,
play with these kids seems to go a lot better on neutral territory like the playground or beach.

 

[CyndiLooWho]

The son's behaviour sounds something like my 10 yo's. My 10 yo has Aspergers Syndrome (a mild form of autism that manifests in not understanding social behaviour very well). I am not saying her child does have it, but the situations sound very much like the things that happen between my kids - the older one getting upset if the younger kids "aren't following the rules" or the younger kids getting upset b/c the older one "won't let us play what we want." b/c of these tendencies, my 10 yo doesn't have many friends and has a very hard time in free play situations.

If your friend is in the same boat, she is probably at a loss for what to do with her son, so she subjects the daughter to his wants. As a parent dealing with these behaviours, I think that's counterproductive and I simply try to tell my own ds10 why the others are upset and how he can fix it or that he should find something else to do.

The best thing in these situations is to allow the 9 yo dds to play w/o the 11 yo ds. Just tell your friend "my dd doesn't like to play b/c (boy name) won't let them play what they want to play. And it's not fair to the girls if they have to comply with (boy name) all the time." Suggest that you pick up her dd and do something girly, just you and the girls. Maybe suggest that while other mom takes her ds to a movie, you will do something else with the girls.

 

[ladyv]

You said it's bothersome to you, but is it bothersome to your DD? I guess I don't understand the logistics here. You are setting up play dates where both of your kids get to go, you and the mom are both socializing together and yet you want her to only bring one of her children? What does she do with her other child? Leave him home alone? I would think that to try and exclude him would hurt her older son's feelings, not to mention the mom's feelings.

 

[CyndiLooWho]

Reading your second post reminds me even more of my little Aspy's behaviour.

All i can suggest is that if you can't get playdates away from the older son, that you do things that are very structured. Our psychologist suggested board games with enforceable rules (an adult usually needs to monitor this at first) or activities that enforce cooperation and/or the kids doing the same thing separately (ie, baking cupcakes as a group, decorating them separately, then eating them together). Alternatively, a large area like a playground where the kids can pursue their own activities can be a good place for playdates. Unsupervised play at either house is probably a no-no.

And keep trying to get the younger ones into a few activities on their own, preferably someplace "out" like the movies.

 

[npmommie]

You said it's bothersome to you, but is it bothersome to your DD? I guess I don't understand the logistics here. You are setting up play dates where both of your kids get to go, you and the mom are both socializing together and yet you want her to only bring one of her children? What does she do with her other child? Leave him home alone? I would think that to try and exclude him would hurt her older son's feelings, not to mention the mom's feelings.

Yes she has complained a couple of times about it, but for the most part I think she is ok with it.
what I would like to suggest is for her to drop off her younger child for a playdate, yes, and i haven't because she gets offended at the mere suggestion of the boys doing things separately.

one time she called me up and asked if we could come over because she had a friends child over who is the same age as her older boy. she said when the two of them get together her younger gets left out, so she wanted to see if my kids could come over to play. so we did.
then while we were there my younger was playing nintendo with the 2 older ones til they decided he was "annoying" them, and they said it right out loud, he is being annoying we don't want him to play which in turn hurt my youngers feelings.
so i have been avoiding playdates because of this older child always in the mix. and how if he isn't occupied by something or someone else he causes ruffled feathers all the time.

 

[PaulaSue]

Very tough, Good Luck!

BTW, CindyLooWho are you from storknet?

 

[PHXscuba]

If the other mom is a casual friend and the friendship is more for your two kids, I think I'd just back off some and let them have occasional playdates at her house her way, if your DD wants to be there. If you invite their one DS over, it's your rules about who is invited. She can decide to let one son come or none at all.

If this mom is a good friend and maintaining close contact with her is important despite the childrens' disputes, I think I'd sit down and really have a heart-to-heart about your feelings. From a distance, it sounds as if she is struggling to figure out the best way to handle her older DS's issues.

One part of having siblings is learning that just because one gets invited somewhere or has a friend over doesn't mean everyone gets to. I fight this all the time with four kids! This mom will have to break the pattern she has set where she won't let one do something unless the other is included.

PHXscuba

 

[CrzyforPiglet]

If I were in your situation I wouldn't have an issue with an older or younger sibling around during the playdate, it is the way they are being watched or supervised that is the problem. Unfortunately if your friend isn't willing to explain to her older son when he is getting out of line I'm not sure that playdates will work anymore. Since it seems as if the two of you have already opened up the can of worms with each other I would be honest with her and let her know that you value her friendship and would love to schedule a playdate but that means she needs to explain to her older son that he can't boss the younger kids around or dictate how they play. I'm thinking that your friend doesn't have any option of what to do with her older child when her younger one and your DD have a playdate so she probably feels like he has to be there but that doesn't mean she shouldn't step in when needed. A good playdate means everyone is having a good time.

Good luck!

 

[goofy4mykids]

Reading your second post reminds me even more of my little Aspy's behaviour.

DITTO!!! I Thought the same thing. When you live it you pick up on it. It is so hard when our kids are misunderstood!!!

 

[ms_missy66]

If the other mom is a casual friend and the friendship is more for your two kids, I think I'd just back off some and let them have occasional playdates at her house her way, if your DD wants to be there. If you invite their one DS over, it's your rules about who is invited. She can decide to let one son come or none at all.

If this mom is a good friend and maintaining close contact with her is important despite the childrens' disputes, I think I'd sit down and really have a heart-to-heart about your feelings. From a distance, it sounds as if she is struggling to figure out the best way to handle her older DS's issues.

One part of having siblings is learning that just because one gets invited somewhere or has a friend over doesn't mean everyone gets to. I fight this all the time with four kids! This mom will have to break the pattern she has set where she won't let one do something unless the other is included.

PHXscuba

My thoughts exactly!

OP, I feel for you. One of my pet peeves is when siblings are a package deal on playdates or parties. Don't get me wrong...it's fun to do things as families when everyone is in to it. But when it's obviously not working, it drives me nuts when it's forced.

I could be WAY off base here, but since Mom is kind of hounding you and then sent a scathing email, it sounds like the playdate is more for her. On one hand, you should be flattered she wants to spend time with you. On the other, she's quite possibly oblivious to how her son's behavior makes you uncomfortable.