How do you handle family members that don't even acknowledge your child?

[pnutallergymom]

Hi everyone,

I have tried for the last year and a half not to let this aggravate me, but it literally makes my blood boil.

My SIL NEVER even asks how DD is doing? Brigitte has been in the hospital countless times, and we don't even get as much as a text, a Facebook message,a visit, nothing.

We have had fundraisers (not for us, but for awareness) and she hasn't offered to sell a ticket, help out...actually the day of the fundraiser she said she was sick and didn't even go.

She has stopped coming to my children's birthday parties etc. We see each other on Christmas Eve, and possibly one of her kids bday parties if she has one...other than that...nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

I am very aware that she is having a rough time in her personal life. I have reached out by sending cards, emails etc. Get not as much as a response in return.

What has bothered me the most lately (and this is so ridiculously petty) but we are "friends" on FB. If I make a post about my other kids, I get a "comment"..if I post about Brigitte...nothing.

I don't like confrontation..at all. So I have no idea how to rectify this. My family says I should just cut her off and not acknowledge her anymore as she obviously wants nothing to do with us....but I care deeply about her and her kids. I have asked my MIL if I have done anything...she says no. She says that SIL is just busy and depressed about her own situation...etc, etc, etc.

Any advice??

 

[pnutallergymom]

ooops just realized I should have put this in the community board. Sorry!!! Could someone move it for me??

 

[bookwormde]

Take the high road.

bookwormde

 

[BroganMc]

Family relationships are tricky things. They evolve and devolve over time. It may be as simple as you SIL is just so caught up in her own stuff she doesn't have any energy left for your family. Or it may be that something about your daughter's situation touches a raw nerve with her and she leaves it alone to protect herself. Or it could be she doesn't know how to relate to your daughter's problems or accomplishments so offers no comment so as not to appear stupid.

You have no way of knowing unless she tells you.

 

[dancin Disney style]

Every Family has issues. Don't let things that you can not control bother you.

When I was a child my grandmother pretty much ignored me because I was a girl and not a boy like my saintly brothers. To this day I'm last on the list but honestly I don't care. My brother and I had an arguement once about this and he said that our parents put the whole thing in my head. To which I told him...No, no one ever said anything. Which is the honest truth my parents never said a word about it. You just know these things. Now that we are all married and have kids it's still going on. My grandmother only asks about my brothers boys and only as an after thought will ask about my girls...isn't the girl/boy thing irony. I really have no relationship with her but if something is needed (she is very old now and not well) I will gladly take care of it. It's not done out of love or even obligation. I do it because it's the right thing to do for a person that needs help.

Some things in life can't be helped. Somethings can't be mended. You just have to accept that that's the way it's going to be and let it go. Our time here is very limited try so spend it on the things that matter. I can say that after learning it the hard way.....after my brother died.

 

[tinkerfan1]

Families are so weird. I tell my sons that I want them to be close when they grow up, not like their parents are with their siblings. I'm particularly talking about their father and his sisters, to whom he doesn't speak (and vice versa). I am so happy they love their grown half sister and brother so much and their neice and nephews. They are so close to them and I want it to stay that way. I can not imagine, nor do I want to, it being any different. However, in our grown up family, it certainly is. And, that is sad.

 

[Ka' eo]

Take the high road.

bookwormde

I do agree with this. The fact that she comments about your other children is an indication to me that perhaps she cannot handle whatever is going on for your daughter. I would not interpret her lack of involvement as lack of caring. If her life is challenging for herself, she may have no emotional room left for your sweet DD.

Bless sweet Brigette.

 

[bookwormde]

It is funny in most cases I have found this comes from a lack of knowlege and the fear that is associated with it.

bookwormde

 

[pnutallergymom]

I totally agree with you guys..

I don't ever say anything to her about it. I always make it a point to send an email or snail mail her a card letting her know I am thinking of her. I send my niece and nephew cards and small gifts for halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and even valentines day!! I don't want them to think for one second their Auntie doesn't care about them. I always call when I "hear" (from MIL) of course that the kids are sick. SIL doesn't answer, but I leave a message.

I guess it just hurts me inside. Not for one second am I saying that my families issues trump her families issues. And I am totally going to contradict myself right now but I would trade any day!! I'm sure you KWIM!! I do understand that some people can handle things well and others can't. She is definitely in the "can't" camp. Guess that saying that "he" only gives special children to special parents is true . I just think that saying she doesn't know how to handle it is a cop out. She actually called me the other day to ask a question about an OTC med my older DD takes, and again...nothing. I just think its down right rude now. There are lots of thing that make me uncomfortable as well, but I don't hide behind them. If that were case, I'd never leave my house!!

Its obvious things aren't going to change with her. I will continue to be hurt. She will continue to either ignore or not deal with the situation, but now my older kids are asking lots of questions...even make their own comments. I never speak ill of her around the kids. What do I say to them when they ask "How come Auntie never comes over or to our parties"...they think she doesn't like them. That is sad for me.

Ok!! Thanks for the vent. I love DisTherapy!! LOL!!!

 

[cm8]

I totally agree with you guys..

I don't ever say anything to her about it. I always make it a point to send an email or snail mail her a card letting her know I am thinking of her. I send my niece and nephew cards and small gifts for halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and even valentines day!! I don't want them to think for one second their Auntie doesn't care about them. I always call when I "hear" (from MIL) of course that the kids are sick. SIL doesn't answer, but I leave a message.

I guess it just hurts me inside. Not for one second am I saying that my families issues trump her families issues. And I am totally going to contradict myself right now but I would trade any day!! I'm sure you KWIM!! I do understand that some people can handle things well and others can't. She is definitely in the "can't" camp. Guess that saying that "he" only gives special children to special parents is true . I just think that saying she doesn't know how to handle it is a cop out. She actually called me the other day to ask a question about an OTC med my older DD takes, and again...nothing. I just think its down right rude now. There are lots of thing that make me uncomfortable as well, but I don't hide behind them. If that were case, I'd never leave my house!!

Its obvious things aren't going to change with her. I will continue to be hurt. She will continue to either ignore or not deal with the situation, but now my older kids are asking lots of questions...even make their own comments. I never speak ill of her around the kids. What do I say to them when they ask "How come Auntie never comes over or to our parties"...they think she doesn't like them. That is sad for me.

Ok!! Thanks for the vent. I love DisTherapy!! LOL!!!

Hi!! I think I kind of know what you mean. I now live by the saying " Stop making others a priority who only make you an option"! I think it is so true. It took me lots of years and time to learn this. She will only call you when she needs something, nothing more, nothing less. I used to have some family members like that, and when I stopped being the "only" one in the relationship, They started calling, wondering why they didn't receive any cards or messages from me. , Funny, I was the only one doing both parts in the relationship and they were on the benefiting end of it, and when that train stopped, then they realized the issue. I am glad to say that I am no longer friends with them. It takes TWO to make any relationship work, and I an no longer willing to be the one doing both sides.

I hope that you find a way to maintain your relationship with your nieces and nephew. I think you owe it to your kids to have them treated better than she is treating them and you should address her about them before things get worst. What ever you decide, please don't let your children get hurt by her actions. Hope you have a great day!

 

[pnutallergymom]

Hi!! I think I kind of know what you mean. I now live by the saying " Stop making others a priority who only make you an option"! I think it is so true. It took me lots of years and time to learn this. She will only call you when she needs something, nothing more, nothing less. I used to have some family members like that, and when I stopped being the "only" one in the relationship, They started calling, wondering why they didn't receive any cards or messages from me. , Funny, I was the only one doing both parts in the relationship and they were on the benefiting end of it, and when that train stopped, then they realized the issue. I am glad to say that I am no longer friends with them. It takes TWO to make any relationship work, and I an no longer willing to be the one doing both sides.

I hope that you find a way to maintain your relationship with your nieces and nephew. I think you owe it to your kids to have them treated better than she is treating them and you should address her about them before things get worst. What ever you decide, please don't let your children get hurt by her actions. Hope you have a great day!

I love your quote. It is so true.

This weekend was the last straw for me. She was admitted to ICU on Friday night for a line infection. She was really, really sick. We are still inpatient and probably will be for at least the rest of the week. The central line had to be pulled and she did much better after that. We are on the floor now...thankfully.

I haven't heard a thing from her. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I am so done.

Thanks to all of you for all of your advice. I really appreciated it.

 

[livndisney]

I love your quote. It is so true.

This weekend was the last straw for me. She was admitted to ICU on Friday night for a line infection. She was really, really sick. We are still inpatient and probably will be for at least the rest of the week. The central line had to be pulled and she did much better after that. We are on the floor now...thankfully.

I haven't heard a thing from her. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

I am so done.

Thanks to all of you for all of your advice. I really appreciated it.

I'm sorry your little one is so sick. Would a card from a Princess help?

 

[Mtopher4]

Grr... That makes me mad I am so sorry you have to deal with a family member who doesn't even text you or anything

 

[WeLoveToyStory]

I can sympathize. My son has a disability. It's one of those things that shows you who your true friends/family are. We have lost contact with many people over the past few years..maybe somewhat because for several years we were very preoccupied with our son's medical needs...they literally consumed us for a while. Also had family member's who acted like he was from another planet. It hurt at times, but I just don't dwell on it. Those who were true to us, are still around.

My son is my here and now and I just concentrate on being the best Mom for him. I consider those other people to be secondary in my life, even though their behavior can be hurtful. Some of them have come around over the years, FIL for example. He barely acknowledged my son for almost 3 years. He was just uncomfortable around him. But then he saw how loving and playful and awesome our son is and they are best buddies now. Sometimes it takes people time. She may never come around though...

Maybe she has some jealously issues? Do you get more attention from other family members inquiring about your daughter and for whatever reason she dones't like that?

Best wishes and prayers for a speedy recovery (I believe I saw in a previous post she is in the hospital).

 

[AJKMOM]

Many years ago, when DS, who has autism, was 4, my brother-in-law and his wife invited us over on Christmas Day. I am not kidding when I tell you they said "You can come for dessert, but we don't have enough room for the kids." Kids were 4, 6, 8, so if we WANTED to come (which we didn't) we would have needed to get a babysitter-on Christmas Day.

All this, I'm sure, because DS made spaghetti out their daughter's cassette tape a few weeks earlier. I'm also pretty sure it was the wife, because BIL seems OK with my son, to this day.

 

[freepixie]

I always refer back to my Granny's last words of wisdom to my mom and I... Now is the time to think about US, not worry about them, and why they are the way they are, we need to think about US.

There is no changing people... More and more our family has decided to be closer to friends than family - you can choose your friends, you cannot choose your family!