How Do You Get an Adult Child out of your house??

[jmpurdy]

If he's using drugs, call the police when they know he's under the influence. They'll test him and he'll go to jail. The beginning of tough love.

 

[chloelovesdisney]

If he's done nothing the police can't force him to submit to drug test.

 

[crashbb]

Stop cooking with cheese!

That may not make any sense to non-Canadians.

It is crazy how hard it is to get someone out of your house, when they aren't even on the lease/mortgage.

 

[sunshine girl]

This whole thread makes me sad, I'm sorry to hear that this kind of situation has happened to so many here. It's painful to read and must be excruciating to go through as a parent and/or friend to those involved.

 

[Quiksilvr]

No contest, I'm definitely too old for that, but if you want to go ahead ...I was showing all of the different entities I had to go through in order to have her kicked out of my house. Sherriffs office told me to go to Commisioner and have her evicted, Commissioner says no squatters rights tell her to leave, MSP says you can't put her stuff on the street and change the locks, I go to lawyer to have her evicted, State's Attorney looks at me like I'm crazy cuz there's no squatter's rights, I don't have to have her evicted. Call it what you want, it's basically the same definition. Person needs to leave and won't. It's still a PITA to get done. Had to have her locked up so I could "legally" make her leave my house.

Sounds like the local Maryland authorities need to reread the Maryland Code. The MSP got it right and everyone else didn't. The wrongful detainer rules are pretty clear on what you have to do. The "no changing the locks" thing is a common law development that some states have memorialized in their codes (I don't know if Maryland has).

The State's Attorney probably looked at you that way because, I believe, the eviction action is civil, not criminal, so the State's Attorney has no jurisdiction. The only way I think they'd have jurisdiction is if you charged the person with criminal trespass (from what you wrote, it sounds like that may have been what you did). The State's Attorney is the county prosecutor, so their knowledge is often pretty limited outside of criminal law.

That said, I'd think they'd remember from studying for the bar exam. That's when I had to learn all this crap.

 

[Chris2597]

Sadly, the parents went to the pawn shop today and found that 15 items had been pawned. the most recent item was a dvd player. The items were identified by the parents. They could have bought back the items but opted to leave them as they said they didnt want them as a reminder of what had happened. They went home and gave their son the choice....to leave with a sum of cash to start out on or they would call the police and report the items stolen and press charges. The son opted to leave the home. He signed a letter stating he no longer was a resident at their address (wording per their attorney). The parents are devastated on so many levels. They are sick that the items were stolen. I am sure they feel very violated, but also are heartsick that they had to put their son out. Now the hard part begins. They have no idea where he will go or what the coming weeks will bring. This is tearing them apart, but they had no choice.

 

[momof1princess]

Sadly, the parents went to the pawn shop today and found that 15 items had been pawned. the most recent item was a dvd player. The items were identified by the parents. They could have bought back the items but opted to leave them as they said they didnt want them as a reminder of what had happened. They went home and gave their son the choice....to leave with a sum of cash to start out on or they would call the police and report the items stolen and press charges. The son opted to leave the home. He signed a letter stating he no longer was a resident at their address (wording per their attorney). The parents are devastated on so many levels. They are sick that the items were stolen. I am sure they feel very violated, but also are heartsick that they had to put their son out. Now the hard part begins. They have no idea where he will go or what the coming weeks will bring. This is tearing them apart, but they had no choice.

i pray this situation works out for all of them. i know it doesn't seem like it now, but they DID do the right thing.

 

[Imzadi]

Sadly, the parents went to the pawn shop today and found that 15 items had been pawned. the most recent item was a dvd player. The items were identified by the parents. They could have bought back the items but opted to leave them as they said they didnt want them as a reminder of what had happened. They went home and gave their son the choice....to leave with a sum of cash to start out on or they would call the police and report the items stolen and press charges. The son opted to leave the home. He signed a letter stating he no longer was a resident at their address (wording per their attorney). The parents are devastated on so many levels. They are sick that the items were stolen. I am sure they feel very violated, but also are heartsick that they had to put their son out. Now the hard part begins. They have no idea where he will go or what the coming weeks will bring. This is tearing them apart, but they had no choice.

I'm sorry it had to happen this way.

Yes, this IS when the hard part begins. I was brutal in my last post. But, they need to understand that for them, there is very much a very real possibility they will take him back, once the immediate violation and intolerability wears off and they start to feel worried, guilty, fearful, remorseful, etc. Time has a way of dulling the edges of memories, until they are back in the same situation.

As a couple others suggested, urge them to go to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meetings. Those groups are for the families of the addicts. They need support and a structure NOW more than ever. They also need a framework of how to handle when, not IF the son will come back, begging to be let back in. They also need to have in place already, when that happens, people to call who can support them, keep them steady, and walk them through and beyond the point of wanting to take him back. They NEED to hear it from other people who've been through it already.

Good luck.

 

[mamajoan]

I am so sorry that OP's friends are having to go thru such a difficult situation. Drug habits are costly to support. Hopefully this young man will get help, most likely not before he crashes very hard. I strongly agree that they should attend a support network, they will be surprised that they are not alone.

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--maybe you can find out when and where the local Alanon and Alanarc meetings meet for your firends and offer to go with them to the first few meetings. I agree with everyone else that they will really need support and resources to help them stick to their gus and help both themselves and their son at this point (becuase at the end of the day they help him more by not supporting/enabling him).

 

[luvsJack]

Sadly, the parents went to the pawn shop today and found that 15 items had been pawned. the most recent item was a dvd player. The items were identified by the parents. They could have bought back the items but opted to leave them as they said they didnt want them as a reminder of what had happened. They went home and gave their son the choice....to leave with a sum of cash to start out on or they would call the police and report the items stolen and press charges. The son opted to leave the home. He signed a letter stating he no longer was a resident at their address (wording per their attorney). The parents are devastated on so many levels. They are sick that the items were stolen. I am sure they feel very violated, but also are heartsick that they had to put their son out. Now the hard part begins. They have no idea where he will go or what the coming weeks will bring. This is tearing them apart, but they had no choice.

I am so sorry for your friends. Coming to the realization that your child is no longer a child and nothing you are doing will help them is so, so hard to deal with. You love your children unconditionally but sometimes have to be what they may perceive as "unloving", that has got to be the hardest thing in the world to go through.

Please, please suggest to them that they attend an al-anon meeting. They will have the opportunity to meet other parents and other family members who have been through this and know that they are not alone.

 

[lustergirl]

Wow I have no advice just reading the story troubles me. My son will be 21 years old this coming sunday, on Easter. He is laid off right now but does alot around the house like cleaning and taking care of stuff. I guess I am blessed.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP--maybe you can find out when and where the local Alanon and Alanarc meetings meet for your firends and offer to go with them to the first few meetings. I agree with everyone else that they will really need support and resources to help them stick to their gus and help both themselves and their son at this point (becuase at the end of the day they help him more by not supporting/enabling him).

Agree.

And the unfortunate reality is that the boy is probably going to end up arrested and then you have that whole ball of wax to contend with. That is when it begins to get really ugly.

OP, heavily encourage the parents to get some support. They are REALLY going to need it.

 

[Lucky4me]

Al anon or nar anon meetings for the parents

Mental health arrest-they'll keep him and evaluate for 72 hours. Maybe he'll see he needs help.

As soon as they found the pawn shop stuff they should have had him arrested. Can't be any worse than what's going to happen when he steals from somewhere else.

I grew up with a brother like this and my parents were way too lenient on him. My Mom died under a lot of stress from what this idiot did to the family. 25 years later he is still alive, living on ssi, being housed and fed by the government because he is an addict. I haven't seen him in 20 years and I'm not unhappy about it.

 

[Chris2597]

Sorry double post.

 

[Chris2597]

The mother has been seeing a counselor for several months as she realized she was the weak link in the chain of enabling her son and wanted things to change.....Her husband was much more resolved in doing something. I believe the counseling has strengthened her to come to the understanding that she was not helping by continuing this homelife. She is seeing her counselor today and her dh is planning on joining her as the reality of his son leaving has also hit him hard. They both know this is a terrible situation.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

The mother has been seeing a counselor for several months as she realized she was the weak link in the chain of enabling her son and wanted things to change.....Her husband was much more resolved in doing something. I believe the counseling has strengthened her to come to the understanding that she was not helping by continuing this homelife. She is seeing her counselor today and her dh is planning on joining her as the reality of his son leaving has also hit him hard. They both know this is a terrible situation.

It's good that she's in counseling to help her cope and deal with it all. Tough love is not fun--when we have children we'd prefer to skip that part of parenting.

I hope he doesn't end up getting arrested, but I would be surprised if he doesn't, for one reason or another. Most countries don't lock up people for personal drug offenses, however that's what often happens in the United States. Let's send addicts to prison where they can learn even worse things. And of course yes, he was stealing and doing who knows what else that is against the law, however it seems tied to his addictions/abuse issues. They need to be addressed.

With any luck, he'll end up going to in-patient addiction services where he can hopefully get clean and get his life in order.

Him leaving the house is a blessing in disguise for him, as heart-wrenching as it must be on his parents. What they were doing wasn't working and we know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

 

[tinkerbell198530]

Make there life a living hell sry for the language but that is what my dads girl firend did to me the next thing I Knew my mom and I were apartment hunting

 

[mickeylove2]

Sadly, the parents went to the pawn shop today and found that 15 items had been pawned. the most recent item was a dvd player. The items were identified by the parents. They could have bought back the items but opted to leave them as they said they didnt want them as a reminder of what had happened. They went home and gave their son the choice....to leave with a sum of cash to start out on or they would call the police and report the items stolen and press charges. The son opted to leave the home. He signed a letter stating he no longer was a resident at their address (wording per their attorney). The parents are devastated on so many levels. They are sick that the items were stolen. I am sure they feel very violated, but also are heartsick that they had to put their son out. Now the hard part begins. They have no idea where he will go or what the coming weeks will bring. This is tearing them apart, but they had no choice.

That is horrible! I'm glad that they were able to get him to willingly leave the home. It is devastating to see that your belongings have been sold, been there done that...is there any way that they can get their items back? When the Detective working my case found the pawn shop that my stuff was taken to, it was too late and had already been sold but the owners said that if they had still had it then they would have released it to the police and the police could have returned it to me.

 

[mickeylove2]

Sounds like the local Maryland authorities need to reread the Maryland Code. The MSP got it right and everyone else didn't. The wrongful detainer rules are pretty clear on what you have to do. The "no changing the locks" thing is a common law development that some states have memorialized in their codes (I don't know if Maryland has).

The State's Attorney probably looked at you that way because, I believe, the eviction action is civil, not criminal, so the State's Attorney has no jurisdiction. The only way I think they'd have jurisdiction is if you charged the person with criminal trespass (from what you wrote, it sounds like that may have been what you did). The State's Attorney is the county prosecutor, so their knowledge is often pretty limited outside of criminal law.

That said, I'd think they'd remember from studying for the bar exam. That's when I had to learn all this crap.

No, didn't go to criminal court, just getting advice from SA through my Dsis...in the end it all worked out, she went to jail and never came back to the house. It was just a big run around for me at the time though, like I said big PITA for me and seemed like the law was on her side when she isn't even a productive member of society! They would have made me jump through hoops when it was my house, my mortgage and all- she doesn't have a thing to her name. It's all good though, I've since moved and she doesn't even know where I live now.

And, I always say MD is a little behind the times when it comes to the law anyway! I had an incident with a friends' ex coming to my house and kicking my door in and it took the police forever to get to my house and by the time they got there he was gone and they didn't even pursue him!!! Even after he called and the Trooper got on the phone with him and he treatened the Trooper, they did nothing. I always think, man if this was Law and Order or CSI things would get done but not the cops around here! LOL