How do you deal with death??

[SandrA9810]

I'm not exactly the best person for dealing with death. Like it doesn't phase me quite that much, I don't get all sad or upset like most people. So I'm now faced with a situation I really don't want to be in.

For me, I was taught, you live, you pass, and if you believe in God, you go to Heaven where everything is perfect. To me, that didn't sound bad as a kid. My grandfather died when I was 14. I didn't really cry or be upset about it, for a while I felt like he'd be coming through the door, or I'd see him the next weekend. My g'mother is now 83 and has had some close calls, and my brother hasn't been doing well since last Christmas. I don't really know how long he's got left, doctors don't really know. But I just kinda see it as the circle of life and the rest of us will continue on, even if we do miss them.

Now here's the situation. On my father's side of the family, I didn't know them till I was about 16 years old. I saw them usually on Christmas till I was 20. I mainly went because my sister wanted to, and I didn't mind trying to get to know them. But I never really connected to them like my sister did. So I don't really have any emotional connection to them.

My grandfather has throat cancer and my aunt has liver/stomach/lunch cancer. He's doing a little bit better than she is, and she's pretty far gone. My sister wants me to go with her the next time she goes to visit, either tomorrow or next weekend. I don't know if she's inviting me because she needs me or if she feels I want to go visit.
My aunt says I should go with her, to provide condolense and support for my sister, even if I'm not there for my father's family. I don't really know what to do, or how to act around a situation like that. I really do feel sorry for my g'mother, she's loosing a daughter and her husband to cancer. But I feel like a stranger to the whole thing.

What would you do??

 

[GeorgeG]

I was pretty young when I started losing my grandparents. I was really too young to understand when the first died, remember being confused when the second died, and then started understanding that people do die after that. I still had a problem with young people dying from disease and accidents for awhile, actually still do, but understand there is no magic age for it.

I don't have any religious beliefs so I don't take the heaven vs hell thing seriously, but I do believe if you are a good person, or at least try to be, you have the bases covered. At 63 I'm still sorting out what kind of afterlife there might be aside from the traditional beliefs.

Over the decades I've seen death at just about every age and involving just about every cause. Depending on the circumstance, it sometimes saddens me, sometimes infuriates me, sometimes shocks me, and in some rare instances, I feel indifference - pretty much the whole range of emotions.

It all comes down to the inevitable fact that we will all die, eventually. personally, I'm hoping it won't be very soon for me, but I've had a pretty good life and I have good doctors who will keep me as healthy as I let them. For the time being, I will continue to be sad, furious, shocked, and indifferent. After that, I will be the friendly ghost who steals a swig of your Bass Ale or a bite of your big pretzel in Epcot. Death happens. After that, it's another adventure.

 

[LuvOrlando]

The fact you are calm in the eye of a storm like this means you may be the only person that can keep the others grounded. Sometimes the right thing to do is to inconvenience ourselves if it means making a loved one's life easier... or at least that's my 2 cents. Sure there isn't anything you can say or do to help but sometimes when life is REALLY heavy (like it is for your Grandma right now) just knowing you are not alone can be an enormous comfort. After all she is about to lose 2 people on this planet who really love her, and that has got to leave a huge hole in a broken heart. I would think any comfort is time well spend, but that's just me.

 

[Aisling]

The fact you are calm in the eye of a storm like this means you may be the only person that can keep the others grounded. Sometimes the right thing to do is to inconvenience ourselves if it means making a loved one's life easier... or at least that's my 2 cents. Sure there isn't anything you can say or do to help but sometimes when life is REALLY heavy (like it is for your Grandma right now) just knowing you are not alone can be an enormous comfort. After all she is about to lose 2 people on this planet who really love her, and that has got to leave a huge hole in a broken heart. I would think any comfort is time well spend, but that's just me.

This is a wonderful post.

I used to fear death, not what comes after, as I have my religious beliefs, but about losing loved ones, but my 84 y.o. dad helped me. He's very healthy, but has bought his gravesite, bought his headstone and even had it engraved, without the date of demise, obviously. At first I thought it was creepy, morbid, too sad for me to handle the fact that someday he was going to die, but his attitude was so healthy about it all that I even went to look at his stone and didn't feel as sad as I thought I would. When he goes, it'll be another story, but at least he introduced me personally to the idea that death makes us cry, but it's a celebration of one's life that goes with it that makes it less horrifying.

 

[Mysteria]

The fact you are calm in the eye of a storm like this means you may be the only person that can keep the others grounded. Sometimes the right thing to do is to inconvenience ourselves if it means making a loved one's life easier... or at least that's my 2 cents. Sure there isn't anything you can say or do to help but sometimes when life is REALLY heavy (like it is for your Grandma right now) just knowing you are not alone can be an enormous comfort. After all she is about to lose 2 people on this planet who really love her, and that has got to leave a huge hole in a broken heart. I would think any comfort is time well spend, but that's just me.

So well put there is no use repeating. Just adding, ask what your sister needs.

 

[SandrA9810]

See I don't really know what my sister needs. She doesn't sound really upset on the phone when she talks to me, but she also talks to our aunt. So I don't know if she leads more on to my aunt. I also don't know how strong of a relationship she has with them.
Me and my sister aren't exactly close either. Most the time it's like once a month phone calls of "hey what's up?" "nothing" "gotta go, kids are screaming". Like I have moral objections to the way my mom lives and the way my sister lives, and well I just can't bring myself to be around them more often, even though I do love them. I'm just not the person in my family to go to for condolence. My aunt seems to have more of that and she's not particularly fond of them, but I guess she's better at that whole grief thing.

Am I wrong?? What exactly do I do so I don't feel completely out of place??

 

[NHdisneylover]

luvorlando said it perfectly.

As far as you not knowing what your sister really needs--I think your sister has basically told you what she "needs" is you to come with her. Again (as luvorlando said), sometimes just having the "right" person there by your side is all you need.

As far as you feeling out of place--well, it is probably worse for you in this situation because you are not very close to this part of your family--but I think most of us (I know this is true for me) feel uncomfortable whenever we are at funerals, etc. We feel this way because we know we can't REALLY do anything to totally erase or even ease the pain of those around us. It is disconcerting feeling so helpless and lost and always wondering if what you say/do will make things better or worse. BUT, we go anyway because we know that our being there is the best comfort we can offer and we want to offer whatever cofort we can to those we love even if we are not comfortable doing so. I hope you are able to go with your sister since she has asked you to (meaning she--or someone else there--probably relaly wants to take comfort in your presence) and just do your best to be sympathetic. I am sorry for your situation and impending losses

 

[SandrA9810]

Well she's going to call me back and let me know when she's going to go down. All depends on money. And I don't even have credit to put it on just because the situation calls for it. My last hunk of credit went to bringing my brother to Disney, and taking the dog to the vet. So even though financial help is sometimes the easier route of help, I can't even provide that... (I mean by providing the gas for her to go visit, she's 2hrs away and I'm 4hrs away).

 

[NHdisneylover]

You did not bring up financial reasons for not going in your original post--just "feelin(ing) like a stranger."

Personally, I do not think you should spend money you do not have to get there--nor spend it to get someone else there (it is your PRESENCE that will comfort, not your money). This is your extended family--not imediate so even if you could go into debt to make the trip that would not be a call I would make (and the culture in my family is that you do not spend lots and lots of money to get to a funeral for a cousin, aunt, etc.). However, if you are offered a free ride with someone else I would go. Also, make sure you are truly not able to afford to go and not simply using that as an excuse with yourself to avoid an uncomfortable situation (meaning if yo ucannot afford gas money for the drive yo ualso cannot afford to eat out any time soon, etc.). I have seen past posts from you and think you probably really cannot afford it
If you do decide you cannot afford to go and your sister or aunt do not offer to pick you up and drive you there, then the next best thing you can do is send a sincere card or two 9letting htem know you really wish you could be there) and be sure to check in with your sister over the phone and support her that way as much as possible.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Now you throw in the money problem, which you should have mentioned in your OP. That makes a difference to me.

If you don't have the money you tell her no and you explain to your sister you do not have the money.

Then send her a card. If they want you to go, they will come and get you.

 

[goofyernmost]

I was pretty young when I started losing my grandparents. I was really too young to understand when the first died, remember being confused when the second died, and then started understanding that people do die after that. I still had a problem with young people dying from disease and accidents for awhile, actually still do, but understand there is no magic age for it.

I don't have any religious beliefs so I don't take the heaven vs hell thing seriously, but I do believe if you are a good person, or at least try to be, you have the bases covered. At 63 I'm still sorting out what kind of afterlife there might be aside from the traditional beliefs.

Over the decades I've seen death at just about every age and involving just about every cause. Depending on the circumstance, it sometimes saddens me, sometimes infuriates me, sometimes shocks me, and in some rare instances, I feel indifference - pretty much the whole range of emotions.

It all comes down to the inevitable fact that we will all die, eventually. personally, I'm hoping it won't be very soon for me, but I've had a pretty good life and I have good doctors who will keep me as healthy as I let them. For the time being, I will continue to be sad, furious, shocked, and indifferent. After that, I will be the friendly ghost who steals a swig of your Bass Ale or a bite of your big pretzel in Epcot. Death happens. After that, it's another adventure.

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I just turned 61 and the whole death thing has become more frequent in my thought patterns. You know what the worst thing is? No one wants to talk about it. If you mention that you have been thinking that the clock is winding down all you get is...you're not old, don't talk like that or man, are you a downer. Well, I would like to find someone to talk about it with me because I don't know how I feel about it yet. When I think of the looming reality that it will be coming before long, I don't really feel sad or upset. I would have to say just indifferent about it. It is what it is. Birth...life...death, the complete cycle.

I used to be afraid of dead people. Even as an adult, until I purchased and ran a nursing home and witnessed it much more frequently. Since then I have helped move the bodies, straightened my fathers glasses and my mothers hair, held the hand of a friend as he passed away. Death has become pretty much a matter of fact situation for me.

I am also not religious in the sense of "organized". I believe in God as the ultimate creator. Living things are just too damn complex to just have happened. After life, I don't think so. I do wonder what life was about if an afterlife doesn't exist but then I think life is life and is it's own end. I feel comforted in the thought that there is nothing after. You're dead...you're dead...that's it. Next!

I have even tried therapy to help me better understand what death is and what it means to me. I get the same..."you're not old" answer there as well. It's a tough subject. The one thing it do know is if I die and my next sight is a Golf Course then I have gone to hell. I can't even image an eternity of that level of frustration.

This whole thing came to my mind about three years ago when my mom passed away. I was present when she passed, it was on a Wednesday evening. I took Thursday and Friday off to make the arrangements and was back to work on Monday. I felt sad, but knew that it was over and sitting at home feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change anything. That same day an employee called in and wanted 5 days bereavement because his cat had died. When he found out that he couldn't get it...he quit his job. Imagine, my mother had died and I took two days off and he was so emotional about his cat that he quit his job over it. I started to feel like I was a freak. What was wrong with me that I had so little emotion about this. I still don't know, but I have accepted that this is the way that I am. Good or bad. I'm OK with it.

 

[SandrA9810]

I threw the money in there, cause that makes me feel like I have a reason to be there. Sorry, I didn't originally put it, I did make the post at nearly 4am... I was thinking it, not saying it.

Being there cause I gave her a ride down/gas money makes me have a reason. Being there for condolence is completely out of my comfort zone. My sister is going to pay for me to get there (either gas money or driving to get me, but that's way out of her way). It just depends on when she gets the money to go. I guess my biggest fear is if we wait till next weekend or the weekend after, I'm going to a funeral. And for that, I'm really the wrong person to bring to that. I have been to a few in my life, but they were all for old people. And you can excuse the actions of a child for not understanding mourning. But I don't feel like I grew out of it.
My aunt is late 50's I think, I know her youngest son is the same age as me. So while it's been something coming, I don't know how it's going to be like or how they're handling it.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I am not sure I understand your last post. The reason for going is simply that your sister has asked you to be there for her. I am not sure what you do not understand about mourning Maybe you do not feel you grieve as others do--that is fine; there are many ways to grieve.

I do not have a sister, but if someone close to me died and I felt I needed the support of my sister in law or any of my good friends at a funeral I know ANY of them would come with me even if they did feel "out of their comfort zones" in doing so. I would do the same for them (funerals are not in my comfort zone at all no matter what BUT they are not about me so I suck it up and deal for those I can help with my presence)

 

[GeorgeG]

There's also another emotion some people don't like to admit, and that is relief. That's when somebody you know and care for has been suffering with a hopeless illness and no real quality of life. Usually coupled with some sadness, it's often a relief to know they are no longer suffering. Relief is probably the most difficult emotion for younger people to understand, especially when a suffering older parent or grandparent dies. They've always imagined those loved ones will live forever. The shock of the loss will invariably overshadow the relief. It's not fair to want the suffering to continue, but that's not easy for some people to rationalize with someone close to them. It's even harder to explain that to someone in their moment of grief. I find it's best to just be there for them and let them come to their own reckoning over time.

 

[NHdisneylover]

There's also another emotion some people don't like to admit, and that is relief. That's when somebody you know and care for has been suffering with a hopeless illness and no real quality of life. Usually coupled with some sadness, it's often a relief to know they are no longer suffering. Relief is probably the most difficult emotion for younger people to understand, especially when a suffering older parent or grandparent dies. They've always imagined those loved ones will live forever. The shock of the loss will invariably overshadow the relief. It's not fair to want the suffering to continue, but that's not easy for some people to rationalize with someone close to them. It's even harder to explain that to someone in their moment of grief. I find it's best to just be there for them and let them come to their own reckoning over time.

True. I know my grandmother felt relieved when my grandfather died. He really had not been "himself" for years at that point. It was very hard for her to watch him change mentally and then physically. His last couple of months he was in a lot of pain and we all felt it was good he no longer was.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Depends on age of the person and how they died. For people I know, relationship comes into play as well as how it relates to my life.

I don't have a particular "way" I am in general for death--it is on a case by case basis dependent on them and their lives and what might be going on in mine at the time.

 

[Disney Doll]

I'm not sure I understand your posts.

Do you not want to go on this trip because you cannot afford it?

Do you not want to go on this trip because you feel uncomfortable being around people who are very ill/dying?

Do you not want to go on this trip because you don't feel all that close to your sister and don't want to "deal" with this with her?

Do you not want to go because these people are your father's family who you were really not all that close to so you really don't care that much?

Do you not want to go because you are afraid you'll do something "wrong" with regard to the support/grief thing and offend people?

Figure out why you don't want to go and then tell your sister the truth. That's usually the easiest thing to do.

 

[SandrA9810]

I hope it's not as bad as it seems in my mind. We're gonna be going next Saturday.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not very good at putting my thoughts into words that others understand... previous posts for example... So when I am there, I don't want to say or do the wrong thing to make them mad at me or make it feel like I don't care about what's going on.

 

[SandrA9810]

Do you not want to go on this trip because you cannot afford it?
My sister is paying for the gas to go visit. If I had the money to pay for the gas for myself and her, I'd feel like there was a reason for me to be there.
Do you not want to go on this trip because you feel uncomfortable being around people who are very ill/dying?
ill and dying doesn't bother me. I'm very much like the previous poster said, I see it as a relief to the person's suffering. It's the cycle of life.
Do you not want to go on this trip because you don't feel all that close to your sister and don't want to "deal" with this with her?
I don't feel close to that part of my family, and no I don't feel that close to my sister either. In the past few years every one in my family (mom, sis, aunt) all have seem to be more distant than before. And well I just share different views than they do, so I don't talk much, so I don't offend them.
Do you not want to go because these people are your father's family who you were really not all that close to so you really don't care that much?
I care that it's a crappy situation. But I don't feel connected to them emotionally to care more than that. Like I don't feel like I'm loosing some one, they are.

Do you not want to go because you are afraid you'll do something "wrong" with regard to the support/grief thing and offend people?
Yep...

Figure out why you don't want to go and then tell your sister the truth. That's usually the easiest thing to do.

I talked with my aunt after my sis told me she wanted me to go with. My aunt says I need to go to be there for my sis, because at least I care about her. I guess it would be different if I was going with a friend to something like that, because then I wouldn't feel like I had to have an emotional connection.

 

[goofyernmost]

Oh, that evil old "comfort zone" thing. As an adult one has to cross out of one's comfort zone many, many times. It's part of being an adult. The whole world is not just a stage in which one gets to only participate in the parts that are fun and comfortable.

I don't see "comfort" as an excuse for not dealing with life as it is distributed. It makes one look immature and childish. Sometimes one needs to just do what is right regardless of personal feelings. Someday it all comes around and one needs others to be there at a difficult time. Then there is payback!