How do you deal with a passive aggressive spouse?

[eeyoresmom]

I need advice. DH got into a huge arguement last night and I'm really at the end of my rope here.Everytime DH gets peeved at me ( for small, everyday things ), he way overreacts,sleeps on the couch, doesn't talk to me etc. This time it has been going on for 3 weeks and neither of us can remember what started this one.I've tried talking to friends,but their husbands react much differently ( more anger,slamming doors,etc. but at least it's over that day).We have gone to counseling and this issue came up. the counselor did discuss with him that he was overreacting and damaging the relationship.He went right back to doing it.He knows the sleeping on the couch for more then a week is going to get a negative reaction from me and he continues to do it. He won't admit that he's trying to force me into some action. I try ignoring it (REALLY try), I've been praying for guidence daily.This time, he's been on the couch for three weeks, no eye contact, no conversation, etc. I let it go until last night My main concern is the example we are setting for our children. I'm very close to initiating a divorce. Can anyone help ? TIA

 

[It's A Happy Day]

No advice but wanted to give you a

 

[Kath2003]

Sounds like it's not just something you've done and he has issues. Anyone who can stay angry with their partner (or indeed anyone else) enough to disrupt their routine for over a couple of days clearly isn't just peeved that you didn't do the dishes or you washed his white shirts with a red sock. This is not normal adult behavior.

I would say that he alone needs some help, some support and counseling; and following this you two should continue with the positive step of seeking marriage guidance.

What he's doing, regardless of what you've done, is not fair on you, nor is it fair on your children. If he has that big of a problem with your actions (i.e. something major), he should leave. Otherwise he's "making a mountain out of a molehill".

The motto I always live by is, "never ever go to sleep on an argument". Always resolve before you go to sleep that night.

 

[Tiggeroo]

My dh grew up in a very bad home. He never learned any skills for dealing with problems and he tends to do things like this. With him it's more like mumbling things under his breath and then ignoring me. Or he'll say whatever, or yeah you're right when he doesn't mean it. He can come off looking great because it looks like he never even gets upset when in fact he's mad about things all the time.
He has never let it go on any were near a week. Although he'll bring things up that he remembers from five years ago that I know nothing about, but he never dealt with it. Instead he just simmered about it and then shoved it. I have no advise. I'd insist on counseling. And get a counselor who helps him with some really simple practical things to do instead of this.
I also realized i was doing things to make this more likely to happen, like over reacting or in some way not making it seem safe to get upset.

 

[Christine]

I have a somewhat passive-aggressive spouse. Not to the degree that yours is. I grant you a medal for putting up with that. I could not do it.

My DH, if he gets angry with me, will get very sullen and quiet. For days. Sometimes I don't even know WHY he gets quiet. I only find out many days/weeks later what "offense" I must have committed. Usually, in our case, it is my saracastic wit that has hurt his feelings. Rather than point it out to me at the time, he sulks, I don't know what I did, and I never get a chance to explain and/or apologize. By the time he comes around and we discuss it, I'm so sick of him that I don't care anymore.

This has gone on for years and, frankly, he has really eroded our relationship past the point of fixing. Not that we are on the brink of divorce, mind you, but it has really changed my views toward him. In the last few years, he has finally realized the damage it is caused and has tried to improve it. That has improved our relationship somewhat, but I guess I can't forget the 20 years of sulking and the "silent treatment." I don't think I will ever get over it.

I don't really have any advice for you except what I think I might do. If you have discussed this, have truly counseled over it, and he refuses to improve, then I do think I would be considering divorce. I don't say that lightly. The passive-aggressive behavior is a form of mental abuse at its finest. I don't think anyone should have to live that way and I don't think that children need to see it. And I guarantee you that when your children become teenagers, he will start pulling that crap on them. It hasn't happened yet in my home, but I know someone else who is in a similar situation and it has happened with the older child.

 

[MushyMushy]

My husband is extremely passive aggressive, although he's never been one for silent treatments like that.

One thing I do is call him out on it. It can cause an argument, but at least it's out in the open and we can get it behind us quicker. I don't let him get away with any passive aggressive BS without saying something to point it out.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

It is not normal. He sounds like he has a psychiatric illness. Has he ever been diagnosed bipolar or with depression?

Frankly after 3 weeks on the couch, you need to sit with him and ask him to go into one on one therapy.
He has very, very, deep seated issues. It is sad, really.

He is not a "man" but a "male" unable to cope with life.

 

[ZipaDeeDooDah]

It is not fair having to walk around on eggshells to try to please your spouse. No advice, but I wanted to give you a

 

[mickeyboat]

Passive aggressive is the way that DH and I fight most of the time. I like to think I am doing some thinking as to whether or not I want to make a big stink about it, or just let it go. I don't think we need to hash out every little thing that gets us irritated with one another.

However, when we get all passive aggressive with one another, it lasts a couple of hours at the most. Either we hash it out, or let it go - usually we let it go.

I could not live the way that you are living for three weeks at a time. No way, no how. I think it is time to address it again in counseling. Do you think your DH is a tad depressed, so he isn't able to express his anger with you?

Good luck.

Denae

 

[Christine]

However, when we get all passive aggressive with one another, it lasts a couple of hours at the most. Either we hash it out, or let it go - usually we let it go.

I think that's what most people do and that's relatively normal. I agree with you, I try not to hash everything out (even though I might want to ). But a person who carries it on for days is just being mean at that point. Everyone needs to back away from a disagreement and have their "quiet" time, but more than a day is just too much.

I know that woman, of course, can be passive-aggressive, but I swear I see it MUCH more in men. I see it in marriages and I see it a work a LOT. It seems that men are just not encouraged to vent their feelings much so rather than yell and scream (and appear "witchy" like us females) they just bury it, seethe, and look for ways to punish??

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Do you think your DH is a tad depressed, so he isn't able to express his anger with you?

Good point.

He also could be acting this way because he does not know how to express himself without going ballistic and "losing it".

He needs to learn how to have a healthy relationship with you. It certainly is a process some of us have to learn.

DH and I went to counseling a couple of times to learn how. Our parents were bad role models. It can be done, however both parties have to want it.

At this point, 3 weeks, it has become a way to control you. It sounds like it is working and that is why he does it.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are a better person than I am because I couldn't stand for it. My thought is that maybe he wants you to go "after him." Do you know how sometimes women flounce off and expect their men to come after them? I wonder if he is waiting for you to come and tell him it's okay and blah blah come back to bed.

I get that you are mad and have reason to be because I would take maybe a day of this and would be on after that and I'd be like get your butt in the bed and like it lol. Do you know his parents? Do they fight like this? Someone giving the silent treatment until the other just gives in? Sounds like ya'll need a class in fighting. I hope it works out for the best for your family.

 

[my4kids]

I need advice. DH got into a huge arguement last night and I'm really at the end of my rope here.Everytime DH gets peeved at me ( for small, everyday things ), he way overreacts,sleeps on the couch, doesn't talk to me etc. This time it has been going on for 3 weeks and neither of us can remember what started this one.I've tried talking to friends,but their husbands react much differently ( more anger,slamming doors,etc. but at least it's over that day).We have gone to counseling and this issue came up. the counselor did discuss with him that he was overreacting and damaging the relationship.He went right back to doing it.He knows the sleeping on the couch for more then a week is going to get a negative reaction from me and he continues to do it. He won't admit that he's trying to force me into some action. I try ignoring it (REALLY try), I've been praying for guidence daily.This time, he's been on the couch for three weeks, no eye contact, no conversation, etc. I let it go until last night My main concern is the example we are setting for our children. I'm very close to initiating a divorce. Can anyone help ? TIA

My good friend had a husband that did the same thing. Notice I used the word "HAD". He wasn't going to change, she tried couseling, he still did it, she divorcd him. Her counselor told her (and I agree) that no speaking or eye contact for such a long time (like over a day) is a form of abuse. It is mental abuse. It's a form of brainwashing really. He is holding out until you come crawling to him to beg for his affection. It keeps him in control. Then he would probably make you admit that you are the "bad" one and give you all sorts of attention. you will just be so happy the ugliness is over you will say anything. It's just like someone trains a dog. he is training you to do everything his way or else you face punishment, admit that he is perfect and you are wrong and you get affection (good dog, good dog!). After this cycle happens a few times, you lose yourself and your sense of worth. Don't feed into it. It is really unhealthy. I have to admit my dh was like this early in our marriage. Not for 3 weeks though, like for 2-3 days max. He had learned it from his father and just did not realize how wrong it is. When I pointed out to him how nothing comes of it other than making me resent him and used my friend as an example, I think he realized how wrong and controling it is. He didn't want to hurt me, he just didn't know any other way. Now whenever I see it coming on, I can remind him he is trying to control me and he backs off.

Even if he doesn't go to counseling with you - you definately need to go for yourself

 

[Frantasmic]

Make that couch more permanent and make sure, at least temporarily, that it doesn't bother you.

Make it up for him. Put some flowers in a vase by the stand. Leave some cookies and milk for him at night. Set it up like it is the normal place for him to sleep. Place fresh sheets on it so that it looks like his normal and expected place. Do this for a week and make it less a point of contention and perhaps he will see how silly he is being.

Reduce it as being the point of contention with you. Sleeping on the couch isn't what is really bothering you: his not discussing things maturely is. So, don't substitute the sleeping on the couch for what really bothers you.

 

[ckay87]

You know what would be really passive-aggressive? If you invite some out of town friends to come stay and sleep on your couch for a few days!

I'm sorry, I really am. Sometimes a chuckle is all we can try to give someone. I know how this must be tearing you up. In this case I am glad that DH and I just fight like h**l and have it over with. Even if it is every day!

I'm so sorry

 

[Wishing on a star]

Everybody can get angry and need time to process their feelings...

But, I agree that what is described is not normal at all. It sounds like there are some very serious issues there.

I would not go any further without some professional counseling/therapy.

edited to add: I see that some people have come up with some witty mind-games, kind of funny!!! However, I would like to say that NOBODY ever wins mind-games. She would be stooping to his level if she were to react like that.

How should you react... He WANTS you to be 'hurt' and 'upset' and 'angry'. That is what he fishing for. This is NOT what you should do.

You need to limit your emotional reaction to this to as very little as possible.
Very calmly and point blank, welcome him to talk with you and to come back into the bedroom. (IF this is what you want to offer) Really, what other choice do you have???? It does no good to play mind-games and to argue.

If after this amount of time, it has become clear that he has some deep rooted issues and you simply cannot enable this kind of behaviour, for your psychological welfare, and the welfare of your children. Then I would:

Let him know (calmly and point blank) that if he has decided that he is not going to speak to you and to rejoin you in the bedroom... if he feels that he really needs that kind of break from your relationship, then you are asking him to please pack up his things and stay elsewhere.

He wants you to get all angry, throw accusations at him, and to take resonsibility for being the bad-guy. This is the very nature of passive aggression. What you need to do is to very calmly put that decision in HIS hands. Put the ball squarely in HIS court. Either make an effort to communicate and to participate in the relationship, or move on...

Do not BEG him to stay and talk, do not get angry and throw him out. Very simply and directly let him take responsibiliy for his own feelings and his own decision.

 

[MAKmom]

What is good about your marriage? Is this new behavior? Is there other odd behavior that maybe added up to this will give you more clues?

Could he be suffering from depression?

Has he ever seen a psychologist?


I hope things get better

 

[Disneydreaming6]

my exhus used to play those mind games. He would get mad not talk to me for weeks. I would never know what he was mad at in the first place. It is abuse. It is a power struggle, my ex would want me to beg him to talk to me, so he could deem me worthy of his attention. It took a while but I figured out he wasn't worthy of my attention.
Now my new dh, if it happened 5 min ago, that was the past and the past isn't worth talking about. He will not discuss anything that will turn into a confrontation. arggggg.
I think at this point, I would tell him he either goes to counseling, gets off th couch, and rejoins the marriage like an adult. of he can leave. If he doesn't want to talk to you, then why should you have to look at him.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Sorry no advise. DH and I never have the arugument go past bed time.

 

[eeyoresmom]

Op here. For those of you who have mentioned depression, that is very perceptive. Last year my best friend thought he might be,although this is not new behavior but maybe he has a form of low grade depression. Really I
never see him get really excited about anything. I brought the possibility up then but he denied it. As far as his family, he was raised by his mother primarily. He is European and his father worked all over the continent and only spent short amounts of time with them. They didn't all live together until they moved here when he was 11. As far as our kids, he has already treated our oldest this way. She is much better at dismissing the behavior because she knows she hasn't done anything wrong and thinks his reactions are over the top. Of course she isn't married to him, so it's much easier to dismiss him.Actually, just typing this out has made me realize that the kids probably will see this as abnormal behavior. That is really my main concern (setting the example of this is how married people deal with conflict) Still don't know what I'm going to do though.