How do u get your spouse to participate....

[kymom99]

When my son was small and my parents were living, they took care of him 90% of the time when he was ill and I had to work. They pampered him as well as I ever could. After all, they pampered me when I was a sick kid. If my son didn't like it, he never told me, and it is the price we have to pay to have a roof over our heads. I didn't choose my career over my son, I chose to provide for his needs and find the closest alternative to take care of him.

Now my parents are gone and my son is a teenager. When he gets sick, I take a sick day.

I would like to add to the original topic: I wonder how the OP would have handled it if she had to deal with infertility, like I did. I hear people saying things like, "We are going to have 3 kids," and " We are going to get pregnant in October so we can have a baby in the summer." I always think to myself, I wonder how that person will handle it if life doesn't go exactly as they have so carefully planned it.

 

[Granny square]

Most women move throughout a spectrum between staying home and working. "Having it all" changes from season to season.

Stupid blanket statements are just that. Why one person thinks they are the original that all must follow is beyond me.

 

[marlynnp]

some one else picking up sick kid that wants its mom is not having it all you picked your career over sick kid.

no matter how you spin it the "have it all" is load of fem bs

you picked mate and had kids purpose of your life

It's really sad that you did such a poor job choosing a mate that your child(ren) do not find his comfort as acceptable as your own.

And no, I didn't pick a mate and have kids for the purpose of my life. They are one (albeit one very, very important) facet of a full and rewarding life I've made for myself. One in which, when my daughter leaves to fulfill her own promises; won't leave me a bitter, overbearing old woman with no interests.

 

[eliza61]

How do you know my sick kid isn't just as comfortable with dad? And again- you don't get to determine the purpose of my life.

And it's not spin- there are lots of women who "have it all." I'm surprised you don't know any.

I think it's sad that she doesn't know any.

I work in the science field MrsK and it's just this attitude that women fight against. I can't tell you how many young ladies in the 11th and 12th grade STILL believe that in order to get the "guy" you have to dumb yourself down. How many young ladies believe that if you pursue a career you need to give up a family. That you can't be smart, successful and a mom.

We need to show young ladies more examples of successful women (however you define that success) not less. Now "having it all" as granny square said means tons of different things.


I knew flat out that I was not going to be a stay at home mom very long. Personally I fall down on my hands and knees in gratitude that I had a loving husband, great inlaws, great extended family that were my "village".
I never looked at having my sons grandfather pick him up at school if he was sick as a bad thing. LOL. who knew?

Maybe we need to stop calling it "having it all" and just describing it as it really is. having a fulfilling life.

 

[crisi]

And having it all does involve compromise - it means that maybe you miss the band concert because you had to work. Or not getting that promotion because you won't travel 25% of the time. But having more than one kid means that sometimes I miss the band concert because I'm at the baseball game with the other child. Even now that I'm a SAHM I'm still making compromises.

As for sick kids - for me, that was easy. From the time my kids were born I had the option of working from home when they were ill.

 

[eliza61]

And having it all does involve compromise - it means that maybe you miss the band concert because you had to work. Or not getting that promotion because you won't travel 25% of the time. But having more than one kid means that sometimes I miss the band concert because I'm at the baseball game with the other child. Even now that I'm a SAHM I'm still making compromises.

As for sick kids - for me, that was easy. From the time my kids were born I had the option of working from home when they were ill.

LOL. I got you beat Crisi, when the kids were toddlers/pre school age
Dh switch to the late shift and I worked the early shift. One of my sons got constant ear infections until he finally had tubes placed in his ears and we were always getting calls to pick up him.
For about 3 years, we use to sing that frank sinatra song "Strangers in the night" because I swear I only saw that man in passing.

 

[crisi]

LOL. I got you beat Crisi, when the kids were toddlers/pre school age
Dh switch to the late shift and I worked the early shift. One of my sons got constant ear infections until he finally had tubes placed in his ears and we were always getting calls to pick up him.
For about 3 years, we use to sing that frank sinatra song "Strangers in the night" because I swear I only saw that man in passing.

I became a SAHM because my husband took a new job. There was a month of constant travel. He was home for three days all month. And he was traveling internationally, we didn't even talk on the phone.

My kids are teens now, so there isn't the constant need of young kids.

 

[kristinradico]

Sit him down without the kids. Explain to him that he has three financial choices.

1) Participate in a budget, help set goals, and spend in accordance with the budget
2) Let you handle everything - he gets an allowance. He doesn't pay bills and he doesn't get credit cards - he gets cash for his needs and comes to you.
3) Hurt the relationship that you have. Money issues are a frequent cause of marital strive - even divorce - and you love him and really do not want to see you marriage damaged by something that can be addressed now - but if things don't change, that is what will happen.

(My husband chose door #2 - he does get credit cards, but only because his natural rate of spending is within budget for us - a few times a year he goes beyond his natural rate of spending and gets read the riot act - but he also knows I "budget" for that too. When we started, and made less money, he had a budget, his own checking account, and the cash card for that - he didn't touch the household accounts)

My husband also chose option #2. He does keep his check card for gas. The cash keeps him from overspending on all the things he likes to indulge in.

 

[mrsklamc]

Well, & I am sure they exist, but I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what this job is that makes no allowances for people having sick kids. I've worked very different kinds of jobs and have never been in a situation where there was no redundancy, no one who could cover, "you've got to be there or else."

 

[crisi]

Well, & I am sure they exist, but I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what this job is that makes no allowances for people having sick kids. I've worked very different kinds of jobs and have never been in a situation where there was no redundancy, no one who could cover, "you've got to be there or else."

People who work minimum wage scheduled jobs often have a really hard time with sick kids. When I was in college, I worked in a retail store and was often the only one staffing the store on a weekday - if I got ill, we had to find someone to cover - not easy (I remember being in with a 102 degree fever because we hadn't found anyone to cover) - when we had people with kids who were ill a lot, they didn't get hours because we couldn't give them hours if there was no redundancy - they couldn't be dependable enough.

 

[mrsklamc]

I did work fast food in high school, and where I worked allowances were made, but if that's your situation it still can't really be called choosing a 'career' over your kids.

 

[Poohforyou]

This is what I choose to do to

That good that you found the balance that works for you. I personally thank God that not all women feel their place is to find a man they love and become mothers. The world would have been deprived of a lot of incredible single women who have done amazing things. Who know what turn their lives would have taken had they chosen marriage. There are women who can juggle a high powered career and motherhood but they are rare.

 

[crisi]

I did work fast food in high school, and where I worked allowances were made, but if that's your situation it still can't really be called choosing a 'career' over your kids.

I agree, I just have known some people who have had it very difficult because they have kids, no skills, and jobs that can't really make allowances for kids - but those jobs don't tend to be "careers." They are "ways to pay the rent."

 

[Granny square]

I agree, I just have known some people who have had it very difficult because they have kids, no skills, and jobs that can't really make allowances for kids - but those jobs don't tend to be "careers." They are "ways to pay the rent."

Agree. That isn't about having it all. It is about survival

 

[Colleen27]

I work in the science field MrsK and it's just this attitude that women fight against. I can't tell you how many young ladies in the 11th and 12th grade STILL believe that in order to get the "guy" you have to dumb yourself down. How many young ladies believe that if you pursue a career you need to give up a family. That you can't be smart, successful and a mom.

We need to show young ladies more examples of successful women (however you define that success) not less. Now "having it all" as granny square said means tons of different things.

I agree, but the "dumb yourself down" thinking is (and maybe always will be) still sadly common and unfortunately rooted in fact for many people. I think there's a reason many of the most successful women in our culture are single or have unsuccessful relationships; many men *do* want the "little woman" home in the kitchen, not out succeeding for herself. Did you see this in the news last week? http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/articles/502757/20130831/sex-relationships-gender-esteem.htm

Well, & I am sure they exist, but I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what this job is that makes no allowances for people having sick kids. I've worked very different kinds of jobs and have never been in a situation where there was no redundancy, no one who could cover, "you've got to be there or else."

There are a lot of them, especially in lower-wage blue-collar fields. Retail, food service, construction, manufacturing all tend to be inflexible with little/no paid time off and strict rules about absenteeism. I know many moms who decided to SAH because they were or were in danger of being fired for taking too much time off to be home with sick kids.

But you find that in some careers too - I was the only IT person for an office of 128 semi-computer-literate employees who literally cannot do their jobs for even 10 or 15 minutes without their computer. Vacation time wasn't a problem, because someone from an office that had more than one tech would just be reassigned for that week, but calling in was a "deathbed" kind of thing because it was hard to get someone in to cover for me at the last minute. I had a lot more flexibility when I was working for an IT company, because there were lots of other people with the same skills, but working for the county came with better benefits and fixed hours so the difficulty of last-minute time off was something I was willing to work around (because I have a great "village" of extended family that is happy to help with the kids if I need it).

 

[kristinradico]

Well, & I am sure they exist, but I've been racking my brain trying to come up with what this job is that makes no allowances for people having sick kids. I've worked very different kinds of jobs and have never been in a situation where there was no redundancy, no one who could cover, "you've got to be there or else."

Many jobs in the military are like that. I know quite a few military-military couples and when their kids get sick, they have to find someone to watch their sick child (which isn't always easy with no family nearby) because daycare wont take them and they cant get off work.

 

[Colleen27]

some one else picking up sick kid that wants its mom is not having it all you picked your career over sick kid.

Who are you to say that every sick child wants mom? I remember being a sick child very clearly and loving sick days at Grandma & Grandpa's house. Grandpa would give up his La-Z-Boy and Grandma would make green Jello and we'd watch game shows and Guiding Light. I was perfectly content there and certainly didn't need my mother to come home from work because only she would do.

 

[Granny square]

Who are you to say that every sick child wants mom? I remember being a sick child very clearly and loving sick days at Grandma & Grandpa's house. Grandpa would give up his La-Z-Boy and Grandma would make green Jello and we'd watch game shows and Guiding Light. I was perfectly content there and certainly didn't need my mother to come home from work because only she would do.

Green jello and soaps! Similar memories here. My mom was a nurse raising us on her own. My grandparents (both sets) were primary in caring for us.

 

[powelweb]

I guess I am feeling very lucky this evening.

My DH is a wonderful, supportive man who became a SAHD when I went back to work FT after our DD was born since I make about 3 times what he does.
Since I also have a long commute, we would hire one of my best friend's to help out since she does an at home day care just to give him a break a few days a week.

He went back to work when DD went to school for full days ( ok, about 6 months before that, only because a job in his field literally fell in his lap), and my friend has had her after school and during vacations ever since.

If DD gets sick at school- the school calls DH, but if he has a meeting, my girlfriend will get her.

Neither of our parents are local, and we don't have any other family with kids in the area thay can help. In fact, this dear friend is actually named as DD's guardian should anything happen to both of us, so it works to keep them connected and involved.

I do take a couple of vacation days during the year to do fun things with DD as my schedule permits, but planning is key for those.

Sorry this is OT for the main thread, but I had to chime to the "dumb downing" comments.

BTW- I don't cook, either.