How do u get your spouse to participate....

[mrsklamc]

Two other thoughts-

1) does your DH get to help make decisions/care for your kids? It's possible he doesn't want more kids if everything he does with the current ones does not fit your ideals.

2) this one is from MY DH- is there a market for midwives who have received all their training online?

 

[eliza61]

Two other thoughts-

1) does your DH get to help make decisions/care for your kids? It's possible he doesn't want more kids if everything he does with the current ones does not fit your ideals.

2) this one is from MY DH- is there a market for midwives who have received all their training online?

Midwifery period. I reached out to my cousin who is a neonatal nurse. Now I'm in Southern NJ/Philly area.

She says midwife salary are not the greatest. The ones she know are actually nurses who do it one the side or part time. The one she is friends with charges about 3,000 bucks per delivery but she only gets at most 5 deliveries a year that want a midwife. But once again I live in a very urban area, we have way to many premier medical centers. I can't imagine trying to raise 5 kids on that unless partner is a serious high earner but I live in a very high col area.

I do want to say I don't know much about the profession. I always think of it as some thing in rural areas.

 

[crisi]

Midwifery period. I reached out to my cousin who is a neonatal nurse. Now I'm in Southern NJ/Philly area.

She says midwife salary are not the greatest. The ones she know are actually nurses who do it one the side or part time. The one she is friends with charges about 3,000 bucks per delivery but she only gets at most 5 deliveries a year that want a midwife. But once again I live in a very urban area, we have way to many premier medical centers. I can't imagine trying to raise 5 kids on that unless partner is a serious high earner but I live in a very high col area.

I do want to say I don't know much about the profession. I always think of it as some thing in rural areas.

CNPs who are midwives are really big around here, but they are Certified Nurse Practitioners - they have masters degrees in nursing and specialize as midwives. Years ago I had a acquaintance who was a certified professional midwife - she did data entry for a living. CPMs can't work in hospitals as midwives (I believe they often work as doulas in hospitals).

 

[Angie789]

The one she is friends with charges about 3,000 bucks per delivery but she only gets at most 5 deliveries a year that want a midwife. But once again I live in a very urban area, we have way to many premier medical centers.

It has nothing to do with whether you are urban or rural - midwives are popular choices for women who believe that traditional OB practices use too many unnecessary interventions (i.e., inducing, c-sections) and want to have a more natural birth experience. There is a strong (and growing) demand for midwives all over the country.

That said, the PP is correct - the sort of certification you get online is not well-respected and would not open many (if any) career opportunities. One of my best friends is a midwife and CNP, and she just left her practice because she has 2 small children of her own - the time demands and erratic schedule just didn't work with a growing family.

OP, please STRONGLY consider the questions NotUrsula asked in her post. I reached the same conclusion she did - it sounds like you are wanting to keep experiencing pregnancy. Really do some soul searching about if you want the responsibility of raising lots of kids.

 

[Colleen27]

Two related things kind of jump out at me from the long reply -- you had an "awesome birth experience" and you want to change your career to become a midwife?

Are you really sure that it is children that you want, or pregnancies? There is an odd mental phenomenon out there that is akin to an addiction to pregnancy and all of the special attention that surrounds it. It sounds from your reply like you might be hovering perilously close to that, especially since you say that you have given up on the idea of more than 5 children, but now want a career change that will put you in the company of pregnant women every day, and let you re-experience childbirth (in a way) on a regular basis.

Here's the thing: you are not going to get rich being a midwife, and if you become one your time is largely no longer going to be your own. If you get called out on a birth at midnight and the mother is in labor for 18 hours, then your DH is going to be dealing with the children on his own while you are attending that birth. It's one thing to be an OB/GYN with the kind of income that comes with that, because physicians usually make enough to afford household help, but if you can't, then you are unilaterally deciding to put your husband in a position where he may be flying solo with the kids for a few days each month on an unpredictable basis. (My own OB is a mom, and when her children were young they had a live-in nanny for just this reason; her husband is an attorney and could not easily rearrange his schedule if she had to do a delivery when the children needed to be taken care of.)

If you currently have the kind of job that lets you arrange your hours easily to manage the children's needs, he may well be thinking along the lines of: "OK, now she wants to switch to a job with really unpredictable hours, which will make me the primary caregiver, and if that's what she wants, then I think I should get to decide how many kids I'm taking care of."

That's how I'm reading it too - it seems like maybe he has some very well founded concerns about the practical aspects (already having student loans and going back to school for additional training for a low-paid profession, the questionable authority of a training program conducted all online, the logistics of being a midwife while raising young children, etc.) that the OP simply isn't receptive to for whatever reason. Being a voice of reason isn't always popular, but it isn't the same as "not wanting to grow".

OP, you said yourself that you chose a career that would allow you to be with your children, but now you're wanting to swap that for a career that demands long, odd, completely unpredictable hours at times. It can't really be a total shock to you that your DH would balk at that - it would require not only him bring the primary caregiver at those times but also his being available to do so on short notice, which could very well get in the way of furthering his own career. It isn't just your dream, it is a major shift in the balance of your household, and that's not something to be decided lightly or unilaterally.

 

[Granny square]

I feel bad for the guy. Wife on the net complaining about him and saying that having babies they can't afford is more important than he is. Pretty much just a sperm making machine.

Op sounds like she gets all of her fulfillment from birthing. Not good. I've got a friend like that. A pretty crummy mother o her 17 year old who she would probably not have weened yet if she had the choice.

 

[lauradis]

OP Your purpose in life is all backward from the drama I have read.. You sound very confessed and upset.

Woman's purpose in life is to find a mate that she loves and respects.

If that partnership wants a child (both parties have to agree) wonderful

Having that one child creates life long commitment to that one child to care and love, teach it from diapers to death.

While still loving and respecting your partner.

I beg you to stop and get help for yourself for the 3 children you have all ready commitment yourself to.

ps "I want it all" is the worst load of fem crap I have ever heard. The reality is you can't have it all at once.

 

[PrincessKymm]

I was married to an immature guy once. I divorced him for a number of reasons. We didn't have kids together but I have one son from a previous relationship. I wanted more kids but it just didn't work out. What you posted about wanting more kids and if he can't give them to you he might as well be dead, that is not rational and sounds very much like an emotional statement. I HIGHLY suggest you seek individual therapy and then seek marriage counseling to talk about this issue in a safe and neutral zone.

Money is very complicated and causes a lot of divorces. You need to talk about these issues separately in marriage counseling or perhaps seek a financial coach for both of you to meet with. It sounds like you and your hubby have different goals and wants and sorting those out can solve many problems. Sounds like a breakdown in communication as well. Therapy will help.

As for your career, kudos to you for wanting to further your education. Not sure what made u settle on a midwife but it sounds like you would make a great OB-GYN nurse. You are compassionate and you love babies. When I gave birth (took 5 days due to trying to stop pre-term labor) I had some horrible nurses. Maybe you could become a nurse and specialize in high risk births? Believe me, more compassionate nurses are needed in today's world. You might also decide you hate birthing but love neonatal nursing. My son spent 19 days at the NICU and believe me, compassion is needed there as well. My son had some awesome nurses and I loved them greatly. More people like that are needed. If you have a BA many state universities and community colleges offer classes for returning students who want to become nurses and your hours can he pretty flexible if you choose to work in a hospital. This change in careers may not anger your husband as much. Think about it. You've got plenty of time to decide. Nothing has to be decided over night.

 

[mrsklamc]

Woman's purpose in life is to find a mate that she loves and respects.

Yeah so Mother Teresa and Condelezza Rice are pretty much useless I guess...

 

[lauradis]

Yeah so Mother Teresa and Condelezza Rice are pretty much useless I guess...

Your comparing a saint and us figure head to the avg woman.

Mother Teresa married god by the way and they couldn't have kids together.

I don't know that much about Rices personal life,

Woman that want it all have to give something up less time with kids to follow a career. or visa verse.

 

[mrsklamc]

Your comparing a saint and us figure head to the avg woman.

Mother Teresa married god by the way and they couldn't have kids together.

I don't know that much about Rices personal life,

Woman that want it all have to give something up less time with kids to follow a career. or visa verse.

You made a blanket statement about a woman's purpose in life. I was just pointing out how absurd that is. In this country and decade, we mostly get to decide what our purpose in life is - and both of those women would tell you that they started out as an 'average woman.'

 

[drcmk]

In this country and decade, we mostly get to decide what our purpose in life is'

for a random poster on the DIS boards has absolutely nothing to day about another person's purpose in life!

 

[lauradis]

You made a blanket statement about a woman's purpose in life. I was just pointing out how absurd that is. In this country and decade, we mostly get to decide what our purpose in life is - and both of those women would tell you that they started out as an 'average woman.'

But Op needs to understand you cant have it all worst fem statement ever

Rice decided to never marry or have kids, good for her

op has already married and has 3 kids!!!!!

Example your work is in crunch time and your boss really needs you, daycare calls at 10am hour before the big meeting your boss wants you at, johnny is feeling ill what do you do. which one do you pick your career or your child?

I'm sorry if you don't like my blanket statement, but very few woman choose to not get married or have kids. It could be 3000 and motherhood still wouldn't change.

 

[crisi]

Sheryl Sandberg seems to be doing a pretty good job being married, having kids, and having a career.

 

[mrsklamc]

But Op needs to understand you cant have it all worst fem statement ever

Rice decided to never marry or have kids, good for her

op has already married and has 3 kids!!!!!

Example your work is in crunch time and your boss really needs you, daycare calls at 10am hour before the big meeting your boss wants you at, johnny is feeling ill what do you do. which one do you pick your career or your child?

I'm sorry if you don't like my blanket statement, but very few woman choose to not get married or have kids. It could be 3000 and motherhood still wouldn't change.

Well, I personally would call my husband, because they're his kids too. Or call a friend. Many people have family they can call. LOTS of women "have it all" and do quite well.

 

[disneybound31]

"Having it all" can change through the years for a woman, as well...at the beginning of our family I defined having it all to be working in my chosen field opposite my husband in same chosen field and literally passing our child off to the other each day. Later, when the kids became school age I decided to alter my focus so that I could be home when the kids are home...period. I work part-time now ONLY during school hours coming up on 10 years now- I take them to school and pick them up. I figure I have given up almost 200k now and had to find work outside my primary, chosen field. But I still feel I have it all-just in a different format- family, kids, job/career....less stress, more time, drive old cars and cook dinner at home most every night the NEW having it all

 

[KY*Figment]

In a family budget? Mine keeps complaining about our finances, but groans when I ask him to sit down and talk. I even set up YNAB and he acts like its too much inconvenience. He used up all the planned savings because he didn't pay attention to it and overdrafts paying too much on a bill.

I don't have over drafts but I am like the person you are complaining about. I'm not saying it's right but there may be his own underlying issues making him feel this way. I'm dealing w/ my own demons but have improved in the past couple of years. Talk to him and be careful about accusatory words such as "You". Address it words like "We". Think baby steps and not leaps. Good luck to him.

 

[lauradis]

"Having it all" can change through the years for a woman, as well...at the beginning of our family I defined having it all to be working in my chosen field opposite my husband in same chosen field and literally passing our child off to the other each day. Later, when the kids became school age I decided to alter my focus so that I could be home when the kids are home...period. I work part-time now ONLY during school hours coming up on 10 years now- I take them to school and pick them up. I figure I have given up almost 200k now and had to find work outside my primary, chosen field. But I still feel I have it all-just in a different format- family, kids, job/career....less stress, more time, drive old cars and cook dinner at home most every night the NEW having it all

This is what I choose to do to

 

[lauradis]

Well, I personally would call my husband, because they're his kids too. Or call a friend. Many people have family they can call. LOTS of women "have it all" and do quite well.

some one else picking up sick kid that wants its mom is not having it all you picked your career over sick kid.

no matter how you spin it the "have it all" is load of fem bs

you picked mate and had kids purpose of your life

 

[mrsklamc]

some one else picking up sick kid that wants its mom is not having it all you picked your career over sick kid.

no matter how you spin it the "have it all" is load of fem bs

you picked mate and had kids purpose of your life

How do you know my sick kid isn't just as comfortable with dad? And again- you don't get to determine the purpose of my life.

And it's not spin- there are lots of women who "have it all." I'm surprised you don't know any.