How do I get my DD out of the nest!!!

[Lindaland]

I am getting very frustrated and emotionally conflicted about my DD who is still living with me. She is 22 and not in college or working!! She had a job long ago and then quit to go to college...... fair enough. But then she kept flunking her classes and so I refused to pay for them anymore since at the time I was going through bankruptcy and foreclosure. Then she started her own business which was somewhat successful, but has since given up on that. I put in a couple thousand on the business over the last 2 years with products and shows (she makes dog training supplies for athletic competitions), there is actually a desire for her products but she has no motivation to take it to the next level. She was only making enough money to pay for her website and get a few supplies and then she gave up on that too!!!!

Now she still lives with me, mainly because if I kick her out, she would be basically homeless so I am not about to do that. She does help out around the house and helps on days I work, but she makes no attempt to do anything when I am off work, (I work one week on and one week off) She is basically a "good" kid (no drugs or other such issues) but has no motivation whatsoever!!!

I am getting to my wits end on how to get her to become more involved in life! Every time I mention getting a job, I get the same reassurance that she will get her resume together and look, and has put in some online. But unless I sit over her shoulder and watch, I only have her word that she did. I have suggested that she join a group like SCA or something like that which she is into, but she wont do it on her own. I have even thought of joining with her just to get her moving. She has gained a huge amount of weight since high school (she's over 300 now) and I am sure that plays into her not wanting to leave the house. We have joined an agility club with our border collies and a flyball team that we compete with, but thats about all I can get out of her.

I need some suggestions on how to help her help herself without jumping in and doing it for her. I am starting to get very resentful that I work full time and even pull in overtime and she is making no attempt to help out with the household. I don't really even care if she stays here, as long as she would help out with the finances and start her own life!! I am just out of ideas and don't want it to ruin our relationship like I have seen happen so many times to others. I work with lots of people who want nothing to do with their mothers and since she is my only child, I really want to maintain a good relationship.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

 

[luv2sleep]

Well how is she surviving? Gas and car insurance. Money for food and clothes?

 

[Lindaland]

She doesn't really go anywhere, so gas is not an issue. As for insurance, I pay for that since I dont want to go completely broke if she gets into an accident!! As for clothes, I buy her things now and then, at walmart or someplace cheap like that, but she doesnt really go anywhere and has pretty much given up on herself so she doesnt care how she dresses.

 

[luv2sleep]

She doesn't really go anywhere, so gas is not an issue. As for insurance, I pay for that since I dont want to go completely broke if she gets into an accident!! As for clothes, I buy her things now and then, at walmart or someplace cheap like that, but she doesnt really go anywhere and has pretty much given up on herself so she doesnt care how she dresses.

Well it sounds like you make it easier for her not to fend for herself. That's a parents prerogative but it sounds like you'd like her to move her life in a different direction. Think of it this way, if you aren't around she'd have to find a job so she could eat and have shelter. If you really want to make a change why not ask her for some rent and weekly contribution to the grocery and car insurance bills? Which means she'd have to get a job. She could get a job doing anything until she figures out what she wants in life.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Has she been evaluated for depression?

 

[Lindaland]

Has she been evaluated for depression?

That is my next move, she is on my health insurance so I was going to have her evaluated for that. I think there is a good chance of that since a couple of her friends from HS have moved on with college and moving out. However the majority of her friends are also still living with their parents too. Then when we moved last year, I picked an area that was an hour & a half away so she is not close to them except on FB, and since I wont pay for gas for her to socialize, she just doesnt!

 

[GadgetTheInventor]

Therapy could be beneficial even if she does not meet the "depressed" diagnosis. She must have some opinions about her situation and a therapist can help her articulate and reflect upon the varying aspects of her life. There are many different schools of psychology out there so don't be afraid to shop around and see what works best for your family.

 

[smitch425]

I don't want this to sound harsh, but you need to give her a deadline to find a job and either move out or at least pay her own way in your home. Tell her you love her, but she has 6 months to earn enough to pay her share of the expenses. If you are paying for everything with no expectation of getting something from her, why would she feel inclined to get and keep a job? She either needs to pay her portion or move out. Let her decide which, but you need to stop the behavior or it will just continue. Sometimes tough love is needed. Best of luck!

 

[dminnie]

That is my next move, she is on my health insurance so I was going to have her evaluated for that. I think there is a good chance of that since a couple of her friends from HS have moved on with college and moving out. However the majority of her friends are also still living with their parents too. Then when we moved last year, I picked an area that was an hour & a half away so she is not close to them except on FB, and since I wont pay for gas for her to socialize, she just doesnt!

Yes, she should be evaluated for depression. You need to set expectations of progress. You need to really look at how you might be enabling her to not take responsibility for her own well being. If you worry about losing her friendship by using tough love, you may be enabling her. Stop buying her clothes and other things, unless she makes progress. Don't take her on vacations, the movies, etc. .. unless she makes progress towards self sufficiency. Maybe she can build some confidence and job experience by doing volunteer work. She (and maybe you also) could really benefit from counseling.

And she doesn't have had money because she doesn't have a job... Not because you won't give it to her. At 22, having gas money is her responsibility, not yours.

 

[mommasita]

I agree that she should be evaluated..

I know when I was growing up, it was either work or go to school. And actually at 16, I needed to work part time, and did so willingly, as growing up with a single Mom, there was really no other option.

My kids are 14 and 17, and they got the same lecture..

I don't wanna sound harsh either, as I don't know what I would do, but I would set some guidelines, and some dates when she needs a job, and to contribute, and enforce that. That would be after I were to reach out and see if she was in a depression of some sort..

Sorry you are going through this, sounds like you are loving, there is no rule to parenting, we learn as we go..

 

[sonnyjane]

You are enabling her. My mom enabled my brother in the same way. She would always reiterate "but without me he'd be homeless!", yet she'd complain to me about him not helping with anything and not working. I told her that nothing will change if she continues to feed and house him. He is 27 right now and just moved out last month after my mom served him with formal eviction papers, however she still allows him to come over for meals and to do laundry. You are in the driver's seat here. If you want change, YOU have to change, either by demanding rent or setting a deadline by which she needs a job and a place of her own. If you're not willing to do that (and the most important part: stick to it) then you could be stuck with her for a long time to come.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

I am getting very frustrated and emotionally conflicted about my DD who is still living with me. She is 22 and not in college or working!! She had a job long ago and then quit to go to college...... fair enough. But then she kept flunking her classes and so I refused to pay for them anymore since at the time I was going through bankruptcy and foreclosure. Then she started her own business which was somewhat successful, but has since given up on that. I put in a couple thousand on the business over the last 2 years with products and shows (she makes dog training supplies for athletic competitions), there is actually a desire for her products but she has no motivation to take it to the next level. She was only making enough money to pay for her website and get a few supplies and then she gave up on that too!!!!

Now she still lives with me, mainly because if I kick her out, she would be basically homeless so I am not about to do that. She does help out around the house and helps on days I work, but she makes no attempt to do anything when I am off work, (I work one week on and one week off) She is basically a "good" kid (no drugs or other such issues) but has no motivation whatsoever!!!

I am getting to my wits end on how to get her to become more involved in life! Every time I mention getting a job, I get the same reassurance that she will get her resume together and look, and has put in some online. But unless I sit over her shoulder and watch, I only have her word that she did. I have suggested that she join a group like SCA or something like that which she is into, but she wont do it on her own. I have even thought of joining with her just to get her moving. She has gained a huge amount of weight since high school (she's over 300 now) and I am sure that plays into her not wanting to leave the house. We have joined an agility club with our border collies and a flyball team that we compete with, but thats about all I can get out of her.

I need some suggestions on how to help her help herself without jumping in and doing it for her. I am starting to get very resentful that I work full time and even pull in overtime and she is making no attempt to help out with the household. I don't really even care if she stays here, as long as she would help out with the finances and start her own life!! I am just out of ideas and don't want it to ruin our relationship like I have seen happen so many times to others. I work with lots of people who want nothing to do with their mothers and since she is my only child, I really want to maintain a good relationship.

Any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!

I suggest it's time for a "come to Jesus meeting" where you lay your cards on the table. Let her know you need her to contribute to the household expenses and give her a dollar amount. Tell her you're starting to feel resentful & taken advantaged. Then give her a time frame (like 2 months) to start contributing. In the mean time stop buying her take out food or going out to paid activities (if you do) or anything else that is not basic necessities. If she asks why tell her you can't cover her share any longer.

Tell her if she was living anywhere else, like with roommates, she'd have to pull her share. She's an adult now & she needs to start acting & thinking of herself as one.

I know you want to be friends but you're her mother, first and foremost. IF she did get into a huff & move out because you asked her to contribute financially that would only help her. Then she'd really be motivated to earn her way. But I really doubt it would come to that.

Give her a chance to show you she can rise to the occasion. By paying for everything & not setting requirements for her what's her motivation?

I know it won't be easy for you but stick to your guns.

 

[dminnie]

I am just out of ideas and don't want it to ruin our relationship like I have seen happen so many times to others. I work with lots of people who want nothing to do with their mothers and since she is my only child, I really want to maintain a good relationship.

I was looking back on your post and this quote concerns me. So many people worry about being friends with their children and it's not doing them any favors. Trust me, she will thank you later if you be a parent now and use some tough love.

Another idea: she should go find out if there are any job training programs she could get into. In the past, there were federally funded programs that young people could do for some specific job training if they qualified. She should move on that fast. The older she gets, staying under your wing, she won't even qualify for something like that and will be even more stuck. Your local community college could help her find something (note, I say help HER find something...these are not calls you should make for her).

Looking at some of your other posts, you're planning a vacation with her. I would NOT take her on vacations with you, no matter how much you want to build the relationship. That is just enabling her to stay put.

 

[Lindaland]

I really appreciate all the suggestions & advice you all have given me. Mostly you were spot on with a majority of this being my own fault in allowing (enabling) her to keep things as they are. I did make an appointment for her to see the MD regarding depression and I am planing to find enough courage to have my "come to Jesus meeting" with her & set limits and deadlines. Got to figure out what to say & how.

As for a couple other things mentioned, she has looked into training at a community college however, with my income, she does not qualify for any kind of assistance. In WA state they go by your parents income til you are 25 or married. So once again back to getting a job! Now in the way of buying clothes & food...... Really?? Of course I will buy her some of those things. I see a huge difference with wanting her to get a job & meet new people to socialize more and punishing her for not doing so. I actually like her & don't want to be so rude as to buy groceries & tell her she can't have any, or watch her struggle to fit into clothes that are to small because she had gained weight!!
Now about our upcoming trip, those plans were made back in feb with the discussion that she would get a job to help pay for it (yes we have had that conversation before & since). At this point it's paid for (including airfare) and none of my friends can afford to go with me ore those that can, can't get the time off. I am really looking forward to going & don't want to go alone. Besides, it's no fun drinking around the world by yourself....... That's just creepy!

Like I said, I do appreciate the advice & suggestions and I have started to form plan G (since plans A-F have failed) as to how to get her and myself out of this enabling/dependent loop!! Wish me luck & thanks again.

Linda

 

[sonnyjane]

You don't have to lock up your food and let her starve, but I'd recommend just letting her have some of what you're having rather than asking "what do you want at the grocery store?" and actually buying food for her. Again, my mom did this with my brother until he was 27 and as a result he has no sense of personal responsibility when it comes to paying bills. He just has no clue how much things cost or how to pay for them.

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

I really appreciate all the suggestions & advice you all have given me. Mostly you were spot on with a majority of this being my own fault in allowing (enabling) her to keep things as they are. I did make an appointment for her to see the MD regarding depression and I am planing to find enough courage to have my "come to Jesus meeting" with her & set limits and deadlines. Got to figure out what to say & how.

As for a couple other things mentioned, she has looked into training at a community college however, with my income, she does not qualify for any kind of assistance. In WA state they go by your parents income til you are 25 or married. So once again back to getting a job! Now in the way of buying clothes & food...... Really?? Of course I will buy her some of those things. I see a huge difference with wanting her to get a job & meet new people to socialize more and punishing her for not doing so. I actually like her & don't want to be so rude as to buy groceries & tell her she can't have any, or watch her struggle to fit into clothes that are to small because she had gained weight!!
Now about our upcoming trip, those plans were made back in feb with the discussion that she would get a job to help pay for it (yes we have had that conversation before & since). At this point it's paid for (including airfare) and none of my friends can afford to go with me ore those that can, can't get the time off. I am really looking forward to going & don't want to go alone. Besides, it's no fun drinking around the world by yourself....... That's just creepy!

Like I said, I do appreciate the advice & suggestions and I have started to form plan G (since plans A-F have failed) as to how to get her and myself out of this enabling/dependent loop!! Wish me luck & thanks again.

Linda

I guess I need to clarify about the food. I assumed you cooked meals at home & occasionally ate out or got take away. What I meant was limit the fast food or take away. Of course she needs to eat and have groceries. Those are basic necessities. Take out food is a treat in our house. It is a want not a need. But it could be different in your house. So I apologize if I upset you by not being clear.

And I didn't know she couldn't fit into her clothes. Well, my suggestion would be to give her a set $ amount and offer to go to the thrift store with her. If she wants new clothes, she'll have to make do then. But stay within the budget. eBay is another place she could possibly buy within her budget. Online stores such as Roamans, Lane Bryant, etc have sales & specials running all the time.

Does she do chores around the house? Can she do extra things around the house to offset the WDW expenses that you wanted her to contribute to? Does she have anything she does not want but could sell on ebay?

Well bottom line, I never said you should punish her. And I apologize again if that's how you interrupted what I wrote.

I've been in your shoes. Everything I suggested I've had to apply as well. And I do wish you luck!

 

[mdvlprof]

CNA training? Takes a couple weeks. Doesn't cost much. Then she can work at hospital or nursing home. Or be companion to elderly or disabled person, helping to cook meals, shower, etc.

 

[Lisa71]

Community college is still cheap and she can get work study. I agree with the CNA route then apply at every hospital work a year and get tuition reimbursement from the hospital to get her classes for an RN program and save up to work less while in the program. She can get roommates or rent a room.

 

[Lindaland]

So we had our "come to Jesus" meeting & I told her she had 2 months to get a full time job or she would either have to do a training program of my choice, or move in with her grandparents (a fate worse than death in her eyes!) lol. Then as the conversation progresses, we decided that she would get a job at a temp agency since fall quarter has already registered, have time to pick a field of study, then start college in winter!! That way she will get some cash and still be able to go to WDW, and get a career picked out!!

Well that's the plan as it stands now.

 

[mommasita]

Great!! any plan is better than none. I hope it all works out..