How do I explain this to him? (Private school admissions -- really long)

[Mickey'snewestfan]

We're looking for a new school for my current 5th grader next year when he moves on to middle school. I don't think there's anything I like in our current district so we will likely either move to a neighborhood with a good public school, or go private (and probably move anyway, but that's another story).

DS has a good head on his shoulders and strong sense of what he wants, and I'd like to give him a major say in where he goes.

The problem is that I live in a city where private school admissions are crazy -- schools might get 10 applicants per spot. DS is a wonderful, kind, funny, creative kid. He's got lots of friends, and enjoys a wide range of activities. He's really organized and goal directed, which I think is unusual at his age. Any school would be really lucky to have him. But he's also academically a very average kid, and he's kind of shy and awkward around new adults. We also would need a fair amount of financial aid for him to go. I need to be realistic about his chances.

Last night one of the schools we inquired about had a parent volunteer leave an email saying "we're excited he's applying, please call me if you have any questions from a parent perspective". DS was delighted -- "They want me. Well, that's where I'm going. I want to go to a school that wants me!" He then asked me a lot of questions, and my answers all seemed to make him want to go more (e.g. They have religion class? Every year? I think I'd like that. I don't know about religion (because we're a pretty agnostic family), so that would be nice.)

How do I a) help him not get his heart set on a school that he might not get into and we might not be able to afford if he does, and b) not take it personally if they don't choose him.

I should also add that we applied to a bunch of private schools in Kindergarten, and got into only one school which gave us no financial aid. I simply told him that after looking at all the schools I thought the public school was the best choice for him. At 5 he bought that hook line and sinker. I've been trying to sell the public school I like as a great option, and so far he's seemed convinced that it's a good fit. Until last night. Now he's talking about how he'd like a religion class, how he really likes the idea of a small school (public is 1,000 kids in 6 to 8), etc . . . To be honest, I'd like those things to for him, and would like to at least explore the private option, but I worry that his self esteem will take a nose dive.

Help!

 

[LisaR]

Obviously this is just my opinion but I do believe you went about it wrong in the first place. I would never have involved him in the process until you had some firm options and details for him. I simply would have said that we are looking for a new school for you next year and we promise to make the best choice for you (like we did in K).

Example: My DD is 14. She wants to go on a study abroad program. She gave me ideas where she wants to go but I did all the research. I did not want her to have her heart set on one program and it ends up being something we can't afford, aren't comfortable with, etc.

Once I narrowed it down to two programs that I felt met her needs and our situation (comfort level & financial commitment), I shared the details with her. Now she can give us all the input she wants and the decision is pretty much hers because DH and I like both programs. Left to her own devices, I am certain she would have picked the $10,000 program. Since I never presented that program to her, she doesn't even know it exists. Obviously she is old enough to understand that we just couldn't afford a program like that and she would be fine with it but I wouldn't want it to detract from the other programs, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I would back off with your son. I would tell him that you will handle the details and let him know what the best fit is when you find it. I would not include him until you have narrowed it down. But maybe that is just me.

 

[KAMLEM]

When you say private schools, do you mean Catholic schools? Maybe it's different where you are applying, but around here the private schools are mostly Catholic and you would have a very hard time getting in if you are agnostic. They allow kids that are not Catholic, but they have to have some faith that they actively participate in.

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

My kids have gone to Catholic Middle School, and now one is in a Catholic H.S. and the other a Jesuit H.S. To be totally honest with you, there are more non-Catholics in the schools than people want to believe. You will be fine with that. Everyone at our children's schools are allowed to apply for financial aid. I mean everyone. Apply to more than one school as they can dictate how and who gets the aid. Sit your son down now. Tell him that even parents make mistakes and be honest with him. Don't let it go one extra day. Been there, done that, paid the price! When you do sit him down, don't get into the money aspect too much. It really is something that shouldn't be discussed with them. Visit all the schools. He should be able to shadow at all of them and see what they are like. Make him write down equal amounts of good/bad for each school. This puts them all on equal grounds. Good luck and I wish your son success in the future.

 

[Carly_Roach]

How do I a) help him not get his heart set on a school that he might not get into and we might not be able to afford if he does, and b) not take it personally if they don't choose him.

The way my parents handled it was to tell me not to get my hopes up, they might not be able to afford it and that I might not get in anyway. If I didn't get in, they'd commisserate with me, but they'd also assure me that there were plenty other places out there for me to go to.

If I kept up the whining and sad-face act, I'd get told that not everyone gets what they want and that I'd better learn how to deal with it now. Life isn't fair.

If that behavior continued, I'd start losing privileges.

Fortunately for me, I learned how to deal with not getting picked to be on the cheerleading team, not getting into the softball team I first wanted, not getting into a club that had a limited number of members, etc, etc, etc. It was a wonderful teaching experience for the rest of my life.

 

[KAMLEM]

My kids have gone to Catholic Middle School, and now one is in a Catholic H.S. and the other a Jesuit H.S. To be totally honest with you, there are more non-Catholics in the schools than people want to believe. You will be fine with that.

That may be the case where you are, but not here. There are a lot of kids trying to get into the private schools and they will not take you if you are not an active member of some faith. You don't have to be Catholic, you just have to be something.

 

[EthansMom]

At his age, he should be able to understand if you explain the application process. Also, discuss the financial considerations with him in a rational manner. And, explain to him that he shouldn't get his hopes up right away.

On a bit smaller scale, we just went through something similar with DS8 and choosing a sleepaway camp for next summer. I explained to DS8 that we wanted to find a place for him that was a good fit. But a good sleepaway camp can be expensive and we don't want to spend so much money that we can't put money away for his college savings. I didn't go into the intricacies of my budget or other considerations (such as safety, location, availability of a sister camp for DD5 in a few years, etc..), but he did understand that just because we were considering a camp didn't mean that he WOULD be attending there.

I hope it all works out for you!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I think you did a really good job explaining it here. 5th grade is old enough to understand that this sort of thing isn't always in our control. Just make sure he understands the decision has nothing to do with him and is more about space so he doesn't feel rejected if it doesn't work out.

Good luck

 

[BelleWDW]

The problem is that I live in a city where private school admissions are crazy -- schools might get 10 applicants per spot.

We also would need a fair amount of financial aid for him to go. !

All the religious private schools here take their Parishoner's kids first. Even so, on first day sign up for kindergarten at one school here, the parents camp out the night before!

And I have never heard of financial aid for lower grades here.

The Catholic High school does offer a work aid for kids in need (and you really have to be poor)-where the kids do Janitorial duties for lower tuition.

If there are 10 applicants per spot and you are not of that faith, It will be pretty tough to be admitted, IMO.

 

[RachelEllen]

Every kid is different, of course, but we went through a similar process with our fourth grader last year, and he did really well. By that age, they can understand the process. We were in the position of only being able to apply to one school (both his mom, I'm his stepmom, and dad had to agree on the school!), it was a competative process, and he is also an average student.

You really can't keep the kid isolated from the process, because at this age there is often testing and interviews involved. We just told him that if he tried his best, we would be proud of him either way. We also stressed that they didn't know /him/ All they had was a piece of paper, a 15 minute meeting, and some report cards. There was no way they could know how awesome a kid he was from just that. So if he didn't get in, they weren't rejecting /him/ just the application.

Luckily, we did get into the school, but we had to repeat 4th grade again to go. I was impressed with how instride our kiddo took it. And he's really thriving in the new school.

 

[Disney Doll]

He's in 5th grade, so he's old enough to understand "We are going to do the best for you, but there is a lot to the admission process so don't get your hopes up. We will find you a good school".

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

Unfortunately, most of the middle and high schools here require the student to be on the tour and participate in the interview, to take a test, and to spend a full day in the school on a "trial basis". Therefore not telling about them isn't an option. Since we won't find out about financial aid until after he's interviewed, tested, spent a day visiting the school and been accepted, there's no way to not tell him about the schools that he doesn't get into or that don't offer enough aid.

The schools I'm looking at are either Episcopal, Quaker, Secular, or public. The Episcopal and Quaker schools both serve majority kids who are not members of their faith, and offer extra curricular activities like the Jewish Student Club (I don't think they call it a club, but you get the ideas) so I'm pretty sure they won't bat an eye at an agnostic applicant. Having said that, I'd say that I'm agnostic, right now he's pretty sure he's Christian, which is fine with me and one reason why he thinks the Episcopal school might be a good fit.

 

[eeyore65]

I have a fifth grade boy and I think he could handle the truth as you explained it here. I would explain all the details of the process and the odds so he can manage his own expectations. I would also explain you are looking for the best fit for him so you will look at lots of places that he likes that may like him but he may also look at places that like him but that he may not want. I do think now is a good time to learn that you don't always get everything you may want, and it is not always fair.

 

[Darcy03231]

Where we live the Catholic Middle Schools take the kids coming up from Catholic elementary schools first. Once that's done and they have space they'll take kids from the public schools. As far as financial aid goes, again it goes to the students that are Catholic first. Rarely, if ever, is there money left over for students that aren't Catholic.

 

[aprilgail2]

All the religious private schools here take their Parishoner's kids first. Even so, on first day sign up for kindergarten at one school here, the parents camp out the night before!

Heck here we have to do that for public school if you want your kid to go to the grade school that is actually in your district and not bussed to another!

 

[Va-bear]

I have a fifth grade boy and I think he could handle the truth as you explained it here. I would explain all the details of the process and the odds so he can manage his own expectations. I would also explain you are looking for the best fit for him so you will look at lots of places that he likes that may like him but he may also look at places that like him but that he may not want. I do think now is a good time to learn that you don't always get everything you may want, and it is not always fair.

I agree with this - my 5th grader would understand everything you said just fine. But, that being said, sensitivities can run pretty strong at that age - they tend to take things 'personally', as you mentioned. So, I would spend a LOT of time and emphasis on the 'there is only one person accepted for every 10 spots' point .... I'd probably repeat it until I was blue and he asked me to stop! It will remind him that any regections he might get are not about him ....

Good luck.

 

[NotUrsula]

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[NotUrsula]

When you do sit him down, don't get into the money aspect too much. It really is something that shouldn't be discussed with them.

Why on earth not? We are going through the early stages of this now with our 7th grader, and he knows darned good and well which schools are not likely to be an affordable option for us. Cost is the first cut, and I don't want him to build his hopes up on going to a school that we will not be able to pay for. We cannot pay $20K per year, and he is old enough to understand that. (And he was at 10, too.)

For the OP, it's a bit harder in your position because his friends are presumably not going through the process. That helps our kids a lot, because they hear about everyone's plans the year before and with siblings, and they also hear about the rejections. They know the stakes.

Has he ever entered a lottery drawing and not won? This is much the same in many ways.

One of the most important things I have found is to fully explain and play with the concept of the letter full of euphemisms. They need to learn to understand what those letters are REALLY saying, and how the art of the gentle written rejection really works. Kids sometimes tend to misunderstand that overly-polite language as meaning that they have some kind of second chance when they really don't, and that can be worse than the rejection itself.

Here is a good article from the WSJ that illustrates the art of rejection letters, and also what schools should NOT say: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB124096471555766239.html
(This is about college admissions, but the language is still very similar.)