How do divorced parents split college costs?

[jrmasm]

What's surprising to me, is that no one is even trying to play devil's advocate. How do we know that M's wife wasn't just as shrewish about it? It may be that M's ex gleefully forced him to pay his child support, even when his finances didn't allow it and he had to do without, while she rubbed it in his face that she had married a rich man and was being kept in a style we'd all like to become accustomed to. How do we know that M wasn't just venting to family about the whole situation because it was at a family gathering where it was safe, and hasn't already made arrangements with his daughter to pay what he can afford for her schooling? The DIS is always so eager to play devil's advocate on anything else, but in this, man, you guys get out the torches and pitchforks.

So what? He helped created the child, it should be his responsibility to help support her. Even if his ex wife is the biggest you know what. And it shouldn't be the new husband's responsibility.


I'd say the same about a mother. This is not man bashing, it's parent bashing.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have seen it split all kinds of ways-- and yes it is often written into the divorce settlement.
Personally, I am not a fan of writing in falt percentages and not putting any restrictions on it--I do not feel any parent should be obliged to pay for a particularly prices out of state or private school, continuing paying for a student who parties often and barely keeps their grades high enough to remain in school, etc.

So what? He helped created the child, it should be his responsibility to help support her. Even if his ex wife is the biggest you know what. And it shouldn't be the new husband's responsibility.


I'd say the same about a mother. This is not man bashing, it's parent bashing.

Yes and no. I DO think the biological father should help his child and not leave her in a lurch because he resent child support payments --but in the same way that his new wife should have expected a portion of the household's income to go towards her husbands child from a former relationship, the mother's new husband should expect a potion of their household's income to go toward the child he knew about when he married her---I really do not see how it is different at all.

One possible complicating factor would be, would she qualify for grants and better loans if his income were on FAFSA that she will not qualify for because the step father's income is used for FAFSA instead?
I CAN understand a parent running a sample FAFSA and seeing what the expected family contribution should be from their income and not wanting to chip in considerably more if the expected contribution is higher due to using the income of a higher wage earner in the household of the person who had primary custody (not that the person in teh OP seems to have looked at this--he just sounds like he is more concerned about sticking it to his ex than being a father to his daughter)

 

[Keli]

I don't believe that any parent owes their child a college education. It's much harder on young people to pay for it themselves but it is definitely doable. So I don't feel like this father is wrong to say no to paying for his daughter's education. But his reasoning stinks to high heaven, IMHO. If he would pay for her education if the mother had never remarried and only had a modest income then he should pay now. The stepfather's income is irrelevant because this young woman isn't the stepfather's child.

 

[sk!mom]

First of all, if $390 a month was all he paid then anyone who has raised kids knows that he got off cheap. Unless, of course, he was also carrying health insurance or covering other expenses.

In my experience with two family members who lived this…
Sister #1- She and DH paid for first two years of college- Exwife paid for the remaining two years. (This was their divorce agreement.) They are now on second daughter doing it this way.
Same blended family but different ex- Sister and her DH and ex-husband will split college equally for one son.

Sister #2- She and her DH will pay all of it. Her ex also felt that once child support was over- he was done.

 

[aprilgail]

You think 390 a month is too much? Really? Kids are expensive to raise and 390 is not much at all.

I can't imagine anyone getting away with only paying 390 a MONTH-most of my friends are paying around that a WEEK!

 

[tvguy]

Maybe it's just because of our upbringing and how DH & I paid for college, but I don't really think paying for college should be a parent's obligation. Both our families did not pay one penny of our college expenses (not even application fees). Would it have made things easier if they had been able to help out financially?-- absolutely. But neither of us have any feelings of resentment because we never felt that we were entitled to have someone else pay for our educations.

This pretty much sums up the opinions of those who opposed paying their kids college tuition in previous thread on this.

It was something DW and I discussed before having kids. We decided it is what parents do for their kids. Just like when our parents became elderly and ill, we helped our parents out. That's just what families do in our opinion.

 

[tvguy]

I can't imagine anyone getting away with only paying 390 a MONTH-most of my friends are paying around that a WEEK!

According to the Census, the average child support in the U.S. was $430 in 2010.. So figuring inflation, that $390 about average.

https://www.census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/children/cb12-109.html

 

[georgina]

Yeah, as the youngest of 6 kids, my parents made it clear they did not plan to pay anything for my college. Oldest siblings got lots of financial aid due to family circumstances, but my father hit his peak earnings when I went away and there were no others in college, so no aid other than my scholarships. I resented that they could have helped me out some and didn't, so made sure not to do that to my kids.

 

[EMom]

To me, what sticks out is not whether a parent owes a child a college education or not, or whether $390 a month until age 18 was enough or too much in child support. The issue is that this sorry excuse for a parent expects a stepfather to pay for HIS CHILD'S college education instead of doing it himself? Since when is it the stepfather's obligation to do this? I hope he's just as comfortable letting the stepfather walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding.

 

[diznymom]

My parents are divorced. They divorced when I was 6. I paid my own college bills. I worked my tail end off during the summers, saved every penny I made. I was a very poor college student.

BTW, I went to the second most expensive school in Texas.

 

[EMom]

My parents are divorced. They divorced when I was 6. I paid my own college bills. I worked my tail end off during the summers, saved every penny I made. I was a very poor college student.

BTW, I went to the second most expensive school in Texas.

I paid my own way through college too, so I'm not saying any parent is obligated to pay a child's college expenses. I am saying it is outrageous and despicable to say that you are not going to pay for it because your ex wife has remarried a "wealthy" man and it is now HIS RESPONSIBILITY to pay for YOUR CHILD'S college education. WTH? What sort of twisted logic is that? The stepfather has NO responsibility for the girl.

That tells me just how important the daughter is to the father. Not very. He is so bitter over money that he is willing to essentially sell off his daughter. Heck, he's giving her away. What a guy. Pass her off to stepdad the first chance you get. If my father had been jerk enough to say, "It's her stepfather's turn to support her and put her through college," I think I would have known where I stood with dear old dad.

 

[Shanti]

Since the father paid child support, he fulfilled his duties. If he doesn't want to pay for his daughter's college education, he doesn't have to. He shouldn't expect some other guy (who isn't even her father) to want to pay for it, either.

Are you a parent? If not, that explains the shallowness of your answer. If you are, then I feel bad for your children.

 

[Minniesgal]

I can only respond with what i feel. My children's education until the point they are ready for their profession to start is my responsibility and that wouldn't change if i were divorced or not. We parent's take on this responsibility at childbirth and divorce has nothing to do with our responsibility towards our children.

i do however think it is acceptable to put a realistic cap on costs

Resentment at a settlement should not be taken out on the children.

 

[Shanti]

What's surprising to me, is that no one is even trying to play devil's advocate. How do we know that M's wife wasn't just as shrewish about it? It may be that M's ex gleefully forced him to pay his child support, even when his finances didn't allow it and he had to do without, while she rubbed it in his face that she had married a rich man and was being kept in a style we'd all like to become accustomed to. How do we know that M wasn't just venting to family about the whole situation because it was at a family gathering where it was safe, and hasn't already made arrangements with his daughter to pay what he can afford for her schooling? The DIS is always so eager to play devil's advocate on anything else, but in this, man, you guys get out the torches and pitchforks.

That's because we live in the real world and know the situation as the OP described does happen sometimes. There is no reason to distrust this OP, think this could not be happening & she must be making it up.

If the OP was a man & described the situation you imagined, I think most posters would be sympathetic to him. I've read posts describing jerky ex-wives & those ex-wives have been roasted on the board, just as this ex-husband has been.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have to say, while I do not agree with the father in this scenario (figure I better repeat that!) I am really shocked at how many posters are saying the step father should not have to pay any toward his step child'S college education, and using phrases like "she's not his child" etc. This is so different than the typical posts when someone has an issue with a step child and everyone piles on to say that they should treat that child as their own, that child deserves the same love, kindness and material things as a biological child, "you knew what you got into when you got married" etc.

Heck just a week or two ago someone paid for her two biological children to get pizza and go to a movie (one was 19) and not for the 19 year old step child living with them and people felt she was in the wrong--but now it is totally OK to not consider the high school student living with you as yours and not support her as she prepares to head of to college?

 

[Shmily1]

When applying for financial aid does anyone know if step parents income is considered? Or, is it just the bio parents income? Just wondering.

It is considered. It was for us.

In our case, I paid for what he didn't get loans for. His donor didn't pay for anything but that's not a surprise since he didn't pay child support either. I did have DS ask one time for rent money. Donor told him he didn't have any money so of course I paid it.

 

[tzolkin]

This pretty much sums up the opinions of those who opposed paying their kids college tuition in previous thread on this.

It was something DW and I discussed before having kids. We decided it is what parents do for their kids. Just like when our parents became elderly and ill, we helped our parents out. That's just what families do in our opinion.

What is your suggestion for parents who do not have the financial means supposed to do in your scenario? Are they not real parents simply because they have been unable to save enough money to fully pay for their child's education?

That was what I was getting it in the other part of my post that you did not quote.

Parents are all different ages and income levels. The cost of college is not within everyone's reach. Certainly some could discuss it before having children and save enough over the years (like you mention), but for others that is just not possible regardless of how much they would like to be able to do so. Your mention of helping elderly parents makes me assume you are older and either 1.) your kids went to college when it was less expensive or 2.) you were older when you had your children and had more years to save. Of course, I may be wrong in assuming your particular situation, but these are factors that some don't think about when considering other people's situations.

 

[mom2rtk]

What is your suggestion for parents who do not have the financial means supposed to do in your scenario? Are they not real parents simply because they have been unable to save enough money to fully pay for their child's education?

That was what I was getting it in the other part of my post that you did not quote.

Parents are all different ages and income levels. The cost of college is not within everyone's reach. Certainly some could discuss it before having children and save enough over the years (like you mention), but for others that is just not possible regardless of how much they would like to be able to do so. Your mention of helping elderly parents makes me assume you are older and either 1.) your kids went to college when it was less expensive or 2.) you were older when you had your children and had more years to save. Of course, I may be wrong in assuming your particular situation, but these are factors that some don't think about when considering other people's situations.

I had a poster tell me once here on the CB that if I couldn't afford to fully fund college for my kids, I shouldn't have them.

I found that to be quite comical since many posters in agreement would defend the right of parents to have babies they can't afford to feed.

 

[mjkacmom]

What is your suggestion for parents who do not have the financial means supposed to do in your scenario? Are they not real parents simply because they have been unable to save enough money to fully pay for their child's education?

That was what I was getting it in the other part of my post that you did not quote.

Parents are all different ages and income levels. The cost of college is not within everyone's reach. Certainly some could discuss it before having children and save enough over the years (like you mention), but for others that is just not possible regardless of how much they would like to be able to do so. Your mention of helping elderly parents makes me assume you are older and either 1.) your kids went to college when it was less expensive or 2.) you were older when you had your children and had more years to save. Of course, I may be wrong in assuming your particular situation, but these are factors that some don't think about when considering other people's situations.

Right? We can't afford to fund college for our five kids. I'm guessing they would rather have the gift of life than college tuition. We've only been able to save roughly $150,000 total, so they'll get some help, but with in-state tuition, including r/b over $25,000 a year, they have to take out loans. They are not eligible for financial aid (probably would if COL was put into the equation).

Same with caring for parents. Right now, my dad has a live in caregiver. Even owning his home, his yearly expenses will be about $120,00. As much as we would like to keep him at home, we can't. I have to make sure he goes into a home with enough money to keep him in a private pay bed for several years, and hope he can get a Medicaid bed when his money runs out (about $100,000 a year).

 

[tzolkin]

I had a poster tell me once here on the CB that if I couldn't afford to fully fund college for my kids, I shouldn't have them.

I found that to be quite comical since many posters in agreement would defend the right of parents to have babies they can't afford to feed.

I have heard that idea more times than I can count. (Not just college, but many other issues as well.)
I understand the idea behind it and can see where that would be ideal, but I also think plenty of people are glad that they exist and have perfectly happy, successful lives despite the fact that their parents were not able to afford to pay for everything for them.

I will just put myself out there for flames. I am only 34 and have a DD going off to college (had her when I was a teenager and she also is ahead in school-- only 16). As I mentioned in a previous post, DH and I both went to college without any financial assistance from our families. We got scholarships, paid for most through working, and took out some loans. DD was already almost 5 when we finished school. We didn't make much. Even with a college education I was only making $8/hr and we were paying back our student loans. Let's say I was able to really start saving at 30, that's only 4 years. Completely different situation than someone else who started saving at 30 and then had their child at 35... they will have had 23 years to save by the time their child is 18 and ready for college.