How do deal with ex-in-law enounter??

[JoiseyMom]

Here's the thing that I'm surprised that you haven't considered:

That day doesn't belong to you. It's not about you at all. Heck, it's not even your son's day. That day belongs to his bride. If you choose to cause a scene on her day, you will not like what happens.

You seriously need to make a conscious decision to be an adult in this situation. You can't be rude just because she's the devil. You need to be above this type of petty behavior. If you do not, to your husband's bride, you will always be the person who made her wedding day less than perfect. This is her one day. Do not mess it up.

Before you come back with the fact that FDIL told you that whatever rudeness you think of is OK, consider this: She is not going to tell you that it isn't OK. She may hope and pray that you don't ruin her wedding, but she isn't going to tell you to behave because she wants to be able to have a future relationship with you and doesn't want you to treat her poorly, also.

You are no longer married to that woman's son. You have almost no contact with her. On those rare occasions that you must have contact with her, act like an adult.

First of all, it is not a wedding..it is an engagment party. And even if it was the wedding. I don't know what planet you are from but a wedding takes 2, and it is as much the grooms day as the brides. They decided together what type of wedding they want..the date and the location. It was a joint effort, no bride or groomzilla's here.

 

[rie'smom]

Children live what they learn. You are teaching your son and future DIL that spiteful behavior is ok. Do not act surprised if one day they treat you the same way that you treated his grandmother.
If you act civil towards her it will show good about you. You're falling into a tarpit that you won't extricate yourself from easily. Nothing good will come from you acting ugly.

 

[ginna74]

Children live what they learn. You are teaching your son and future DIL that spiteful behavior is ok. Do not act surprised if one day they treat you the same way that you treated his grandmother.

I will be a grown up...I always have been, and I will take the high road. My high road is not pushing her in the pool and making a scene, but walking away with my head held high.

she is saying that she isn't going to do anything bad although the woman deserves it!! and people are failing to see that the "grandma" was a non issue in their lives. And the son was brought up well so he is NOT just going to be like OMG you didn't treat my "grandma" that abandoned me right (ie. you fired a dirty look back to her) so guess what I am going to do the same to you... MOM YOUR FIRED!!! NAaa Mom I think your safe. Although I think you will be able to hold your self just fine but I see how you would be upset, gosh you got every right!!! those were your kids's hearts that she played with!. This is just a one time event. He isn't going to get close to her, he remembers how she wasn't there for him. He (WE) remembers things like that lol. he is doing it as a nice gesture.

 

[wall*e2008]

Of course, you take the high road. It's your son's engagement party.

 

[JoiseyMom]

she is saying that she isn't going to do anything bad although the woman deserves it!! and people are failing to see that the "grandma" was a non issue in their lives. And the son was brought up well so he is NOT just going to be like OMG you didn't treat my "grandma" that abandoned me right (ie. you fired a dirty look back to her) so guess what I am going to do the same to you... MOM YOUR FIRED!!! NAaa Mom I think your safe. Although I think you will be able to hold your self just fine but I see how you would be upset, gosh you got every right!!! those were your kids's hearts that she played with!. This is just a one time event. He isn't going to get close to her, he remembers how she wasn't there for him. He (WE) remembers things like that lol. he is doing it as a nice gesture.

Thank you very much! I couldn't have said it better myself! DS and FDIL know how and why I feel the way I do. I have never stood in his way where these people are concerned. He usually doesn't discuss it with me, since he knows it upsets me and I am not happy about. But out of love and respect for me, he did tell me that she would be there to prepare me.

I have a very close, loving and respectful relationship with my son. Even if I told her to blankety blank he wouldn't hate me! I will do my best for him though. And then I can't control what other people might say either .

I plan on being very busy helping FDIL and her family with the party. Visiting with my family and friends. Also taking care of my younger 2 children and spending time with my DS from outta town. The margarita's I plan on having aren't going to hurt either!!

 

[sbell111]

First of all, it is not a wedding..it is an engagment party. And even if it was the wedding. I don't know what planet you are from but a wedding takes 2, and it is as much the grooms day as the brides. They decided together what type of wedding they want..the date and the location. It was a joint effort, no bride or groomzilla's here.

First, my wife certainly wasn't a bridezilla, but I'm smart enough to realize that it was her day.

Still, you are correct, it is a day that should be about two people. Neither of those two people are you.

Be a grown up.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

First, my wife certainly wasn't a bridezilla, but I'm smart enough to realize that it was her day.
Still, you are correct, it is a day that should be about two people. Neither of those two people are you.

Be a grown up.

That is not how everyone feels. I didn't think our wedding day was MY day. It was OUR day. My DH was just as important.

 

[Mom2Nick]

That is not how everyone feels. I didn't think our wedding day was MY day. It was OUR day. My DH was just as important.

My DH feels the same way as the other poster though. He feels like the ceremony was ours but HOW we celebrated afterwards was "mine". He didn't grown up dreaming of his tuxedo, who was going to be there, what colors the flowers would be, what song we would dance to and where all of this would be taking place. Most men don't care about those details but they understand that their wives most certainly do.

 

[JoiseyMom]

First, my wife certainly wasn't a bridezilla, but I'm smart enough to realize that it was her day.

Still, you are correct, it is a day that should be about two people. Neither of those two people are you.

Be a grown up.

Oh, and as a bride and about to be one 1/2 of a couple, I was smart enough to realize it was OUR day. My DH and I picked the venue, menu, colors, everything together. It was our day to share to start our lives together.

I am and always have been a grown up. But again, how is your reading comprehension?? This is not about THEIR WEDDING DAY! It's a casual engagement party...that to be perfectly honest..neither one of them wants. But they are going with the flow.

And as their wedding day is over a year away...yes it is their day and all about them. I have never said otherwise. I have never said anything otherwise. I support my son and fdil 100%. When they want and need my advice, I give it...otherwise I keep my mouth shut. I respect boundaries.

I came here for support with handling what is to me, a difficult situation personally for me. I am not bugging DS or DFIL with it, since it isn't their problem. I came her to hear the do your best, take the high road... and I will... but staying outta her way if she comes anywhere near me. I ahve never made this day about me in any way shape or form. If it was then I would be annoying DS about it..but I am not.

It is just amazing to me how everything gets twisted on here..either people don't read, don't understand or don't care. Its like a twisted game of telephone!!

 

[Wishing on a star]

It sounds to me like you have alot of unresolved feelings regarding your own mothers death and your divorce. I mean to be carry this much anger after all these years and to let it control your life like this... I suggest that you seek counseling.

OP... I know you don't want to hear it, but I 100% agree with this... Your post here seem to be a lengthy 'venting' of negative feelings and anger.
It seems that all of this anger and hatred might be crossing the line a little bit. Certainly not healthy.

I mean no disrespect to you whatsoever. But, I too might suggest that you see a counselor to help you deal with and get past these feelings.

In fact, if your ex-MIL is now a part of your son's life and is going to be invited to these kinds of events.... (I think it would be a HUGE mistake to assume that this is a one-time thing) I would almost consider counseling as a must for you to deal with this in the most positive and productive way.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would also go very easy on the margaritas the day of the event. LOL

 

[Scurvy]

I came here for support with handling what is to me, a difficult situation personally for me. I am not bugging DS or DFIL with it, since it isn't their problem. I came her to hear the do your best, take the high road... and I will... but staying outta her way if she comes anywhere near me. I ahve never made this day about me in any way shape or form. If it was then I would be annoying DS about it..but I am not.

It is just amazing to me how everything gets twisted on here..either people don't read, don't understand or don't care. Its like a twisted game of telephone!!

I think part of the reason you are getting replies that you don't want is that in your OP you said:

How do I handle it if the ex-mil is there???
...................
So how do I handle it if she is there!! I don't think she would have the nerve to come up to me..but I have no idea what to do. Any advice on taking the high road or pushing the old witch in the swimming pool??

You say now you were just posting for support with the decision you had already made. But in the OP, you were asking for advice - and that's what most posters were giving. Obviously you had already decided on your course of action and you only need people to agree with that. And that's fine, but that isn't what your OP implied. So I think that's why you are getting so much advice and not as much support as you might have wanted.

As for the engagement party/wedding confusion. . . part of that might be because you did mention the wedding in your OP, and some people might also be looking ahead to what will happen if your son chooses to include his grandmother on his wedding day. I know this thread is not specifically about the wedding, but clearly given your feelings about your former mother in law this will still be an issue if your son invites her to the wedding. Some posters might just be looking ahead to that.

Regardless, good luck with this situation. I hope at some point you will be able to let all this go, because otherwise family gatherings might be very unpleasant for you for many years to come if your son continues to include his grandmother. I doubt that she is expending as much energy worrying about you, and if she's as awful as you say then she would probably be happy that she is still making you so unhappy. If there is any way for you to let these feelings go - whether that's counseling or burning her in effigy or whatever might help - I strongly urge you to try to do that. She made you unhappy long enough - you shouldn't still be giving her the power to do that any longer.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I would also go very easy on the margaritas the day of the event. LOL

I was thinking the same thing!!!!

Nothing like one too many to remove inhibitions...

The only thing that will make the OP look worse than a big 'scene' would be a 'big drunken scene'. And, more than one Margarita might be precipitous to both!!!

OP, I know that you have bad feelings towards this woman. I totally understand that. You are probably well justified. But, it is how you are able to handle these feelings that is of concern.

Think about whether holding on to these feelings and magnifiying them and justifying them and letting them burn and fester is actually a good thing or not. Is this really the way to be, to live.

 

[NMAmy]

I came here for support with handling what is to me, a difficult situation personally for me. I am not bugging DS or DFIL with it, since it isn't their problem. I came her to hear the do your best, take the high road... and I will... but staying outta her way if she comes anywhere near me. I ahve never made this day about me in any way shape or form. If it was then I would be annoying DS about it..but I am not.

It is just amazing to me how everything gets twisted on here..either people don't read, don't understand or don't care. Its like a twisted game of telephone!!

I think the issue is that you asked for advice and when it was given, you had a zillion reasons for not taking that advice and were a bit snippy in your replies to posters.

It's fine to vent. But it's clear you've already made up your mind about how you'll behave. That's fine, as well, but if you ask for advice, you're probably going to get it.

 

[daisax]

I don't like that this women feels she has the right to be a grandmother after ignoring my 2 wonderful sons for their entire lives. Where has she been since 1985?? Where was she when I needed help to get them school clothes, a roof over their heads, birthday parties, first day of school. Where were the phone calls to ask hey..how are they doing, how is school, how are they .....?? Where were the birthday cards, the letters or postcards to say hi...we love you. Where were the grandma I love yous?? Where was she for anything grandparents do to show love to their grandchildre?? She was exactly where she wanted to be, not being a grandmother. So now that she is in her 70s and not her 50's or 40's and is old enough to be a grandmother and now that her daughter has paved the way she can be there?? I am entitled to my dislike, hate, anger whatever emotion you want to give it. Until there was contact, I haven't given this women a seconds thought. Why does this mean I need counseling. I am in touch with my feelings and they are valid.

We get it - her absence hurt you (on behalf of your kids). They had a doting grandmother who was there for them, and they could have had two, but when her loser son hit the road, she disappeared too. And now she's back again.

But here's the thing. She's back at his invitation. However contact got initiated with that side of the family, it is his right to pursue contact and even close contact with anybody on that side that he takes a liking to. From the sound of it, she's not stalking him, or planning on crashing a party she's not invited to. She's not asking him to pay her mortgage or co-sign car loans or otherwise elbowing in for nefarious purpose.

So you are entitled to continue hating her, but the advice you're getting across the board still stands... it's not about you, and as disappointed as you are in his decision to have anything to do with her, he made that decision and you have to accept it as graciously as possible.

Maybe she will disappear into the woodwork when this is over. Maybe the opposite will happen and they will get closer. Either way, all you can control is your own behavior. I'm sure your son is a fine young man and very grateful to you for raising him, but don't put him in the position of feeling like he's throwing firewood onto your martyr's fire.

If he is willing on whatever level to forgive her, then that's a sign that he's a kind and forgiving person, and a credit to you.

 

[Disney Doll]

My father always says "If you don't want to hear the answer, then don't ask the question".

You didn't say you wanted to vent. You asked for advice on how to handle the siutuation. If you reread the thread, there are not too many posts saying that you have no right to your feelings or no justification for your feelings of hatred for this woman. But you didn't ask if your feelings were justified, you asked for advice on how to handle it. Clearly, with the number of years that have passed since your involvement with this woman, if she is still able to hold this much power over your emotions, and stir up the level of anger that is coming across in your posts, then your relationship with her must have been quite unpleasant and volatile.

But that doesn't change the fact that if you choose to make a scene, you are the one who will look bad. I know, you said you are going to ignore her. But discussion about her here, on an Internet message board, already has you all riled up. Put her in front of you in the flesh and toss in a couple of Margaritas...it's a recipe for disaster.

Clealry you want your son and future DIL to have a happy day that day. But bear in mind, your son's excuse of "Well, I was inviting her daughter so I thought it would look funnny not to invite her" is a lame one at best. For whatever reason, he wants to see what that side of the family is like. You need to be prepared for that.

 

[Kurby]

in the same boat sort of

dh's dad hated me - tried to break us up - recruited sil and bil to help. we didn't invite him to our wedding and when we found out he was going to crash it dh told him there would be security there and we would have him removed by force if necessary.

we mildly made up with sil and bil when they apologise but we're back to not talking to them again because of all kinds of issues including that they didn't even call to say sorry when my uncle died last year. that was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak - just showed the lack of decency.

we were invited to mil's for an afternoon only to find sil with her grandchild there. dh talked to her but i ignored her completely.

i don't have the time of day for people like that but i didn't stop dd from talking to her. our problems are between her and me not my dd. that said i won't let her take dd to lunch or anything (not that she asks)

now my dd is only 3.5 so i have every right to "ban" people from her life. your child is an adult so he has the right to decide but you still can feel what you do because of what she did to them as children.

but since it's your sons decision you have to accept that and be polite so not to spoil it for him. say hello how are you, tell her your fine, isn't it a great day for this party, tell her that yes her son is happy when she comments on it then walk away.

you aren't friends and don't need to get into a deep conversation.


good luck

 

[sbell111]

... but since it's your sons decision you have to accept that and be polite so not to spoil it for him. say hello how are you, tell her your fine, isn't it a great day for this party, tell her that yes her son is happy when she comments on it then walk away.

you aren't friends and don't need to get into a deep conversation.

Agreed.

A minute or two of polite conversation is easy.

 

[ginna74]

Thank you very much! I couldn't have said it better myself! DS and FDIL know how and why I feel the way I do. I have never stood in his way where these people are concerned. He usually doesn't discuss it with me, since he knows it upsets me and I am not happy about. But out of love and respect for me, he did tell me that she would be there to prepare me.

I have a very close, loving and respectful relationship with my son. Even if I told her to blankety blank he wouldn't hate me! I will do my best for him though. And then I can't control what other people might say either .

I plan on being very busy helping FDIL and her family with the party. Visiting with my family and friends. Also taking care of my younger 2 children and spending time with my DS from outta town. The margarita's I plan on having aren't going to hurt either!!

well good for you! I sure don't understand why it is he is inviting her though after beeing neglected and turned away for all these years. I know how that feels and you can forgive but to invite to yur wedding party . But that is all said and done now. And thank goodness you wont do anything to make a scene but I do understand how you feel and that is why you made this post.... Now if people would stop saying you should act like an adult because you are acting like an adult, from the time you raised your family without her help to the time where she is going to step back into their lives like they were all comming home from the hospital. This is all about feelings and how she did your family wrong and how you are supposed to handle her when she decided to step back into your lives and yes you are included with your son. sooooooooo.....Again she isn't going to do anything she just wanted help with her feelings..

 

[BeenHereB4]

I think we all agree it's best to get through it drama free (including the OP), but I really don't see why she needs to say anything to this woman at all. Steer clear and that's that. I don't think it's necessary to even muster up a smile - ewww!

Last time I was in a room with someone I loathed, I just acted as if they weren't even there, said hi to all and just passed her right over. I leaned on my husband if I felt the need to run up and pull her hair out. But I totally understand how you are feeling!