How Can Anyone be so Mean to Someone They Once Loved?

[MIGrandma]

I just don't understand it. If you once loved someone, but for some reason it didn't work out, why do you/they have to be mean to each other? Especially the one who wanted to end it?

Our DS was married for almost 3 years to a very nice girl. They each had two children so it was a blended marriage, and it just didn't work out. They separated, but still spent a lot of time together, and went to counseling for a few months. DS was practically living at her place, but wanted to get back together and she kept dragging her heels. Finally he told her it was either call it quits or get back together. She wanted to call it quits. Fine. It hurt him, but he dealt with it. She had another guy move in with her about 2 weeks later, so apparantly had this relationship on the side. This was early last fall that this all happened.

Fast forward, her daughter turned 17 on March 23. DS texted her to wish her a happy birthday. They had occasionally texted back and forth before that. He was her Step-Dad for almost 3 years, and still cares for her and obviously she still cares for him since she answers his texts. There was a nasty message on our answering machine from DS's ex-wife saying she didn't want him having any contact, in any way, shape or form, with her daughter and said to leave them alone. So nasty and mean.

I just don't see why she has to be that way. They don't have any children together so they're not at all tied to each other, but good grief he can't even text a happy birthday message to his former step-daughter? The girl is 17, I think she is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to have anything to do with him.

What do you think?

 

[FireDancer]

I hold no hard feelings toward anyone I once dated. Things just don't workout. Sometimes it is my fault, sometimes it is their fault, sometimes it is mutual because it was not a good fit. This includes people who cheated on me. It is what it is, being angry about it isn't going to change the facts of what happened so learn from it and move on.

I also don't see any need to let the person have an emotional hold of any kind, even hatred, after the fact. Some people just have an inability to move on or dwell way to much on the past and past wrongs.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Some people are just plain mean.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Playing devil's advocate, I guess I could say why can't your son respect the wishes of the mother?

Sounds like she had to get mean and nasty for your son to get the message.

I know you don't want to hear that but I have dd's and it seems weird to be texting them when you don't have a relationship with their mom anymore.

Yes, she could be nicer however some people are a certain way and you have to accept that. Questioning "why" will only drive you up the wall. I am sure it has to deal with she wants your son 100% out of her life and he won't go away.

 

[Micca]

I can understand wanting to put some distance between a person and their ex, but the whole being mean thing to someone you once commited to sharing a lifetime with? What's up with that?

 

[angie@dvcstore]

That's a question i ask myself everyday

 

[flamingglobessigmund]

Maybe the "new" step-dad/male in the house isn't getting along with the 17 year old, and the mom feels threatened by your son's texting her daughter. Maybe the mom just doesn't want your son to have any more contact with her family, so they can forget the past.

It could be anything, really.

 

[Jennasis]

People change...they can turn on you in an instant (for the better and for the worst). My ex threatened to kill me. I'd call that being mean to someone he once loved.

 

[themilesfamily]

Maybe the mom's current man-friend has an issue with an ex being present in their lives in any way, shape or form. Maybe it's a jealousy thing and he told mom to call your DS and tell him to stop contacting the family.

If texting the daughter was okay in the past and suddenly it's a huge issue -- makes me think maybe there's a new man involved who doesn't like it.

Just a possibility.

 

[Sheree Bobbins]

Even the thinnest pancake has 2 sides. My Dad has always said there are 2 sides to every story. Believe me, I know how ugly things can get. Just hang in there and be the great support you are for your son.

 

[Imzadi]

1. Some people are just plain mean - down to their bones.
2. Some people are emotionally immature.
3. Some people still harbor unresolved feelings and it comes out as a need to punish the other party.
4. There is a thin line between love & hatred, she's obviously crossed over to hatred.
5. There is some other issue going on that really has nothing to do with your DS.


The step-daughter will be 18 in a year. He can resume contact with her then, if the step-daughter desires it. The mom won't have any say.

 

[MIGrandma]

Playing devil's advocate, I guess I could say why can't your son respect the wishes of the mother?

Sounds like she had to get mean and nasty for your son to get the message.

I know you don't want to hear that but I have dd's and it seems weird to be texting them when you don't have a relationship with their mom anymore.

Yes, she could be nicer however some people are a certain way and you have to accept that. Questioning "why" will only drive you up the wall. I am sure it has to deal with she wants your son 100% out of her life and he won't go away.

Like I said, our DS and his former step-daughter have texted before. His ex-wife never said a word to us about it before so I just don't get the nastiness about it now. A simple "could you please tell your son I would appreciate him not texting my daughter anymore" would have sufficed and I would have passed the message along. But to be so nasty about it is just uncalled for. And if she were younger, I could understand if she didn't want her DD to have any kind of relationship with him, but since her DD is 17 I just don't see what hurt it does, if they both want to keep in touch with each other. If the DD didn't want to, then that would be different. But to just text her a simple "happy birthday" message and have his ex-wife be so mean about it baffles me. And she could have called, or texted, him on his cell phone so I don't understand why she felt the need to leave the message on OUR answering machine. Unless she has asked him before and he still does it, that I don't know but I will be asking him about it. But I still don't understand the nastiness. It's just sad to me, to be that way when you once loved the person, or said you did.

 

[Imzadi]

I wonder why the 17 year old DD felt the need to tell her mom he texted? And did she tell her the other times they texted each other. She might have received all the other texts in private and never told the mom.

This time, the mom might have been standing right in front of her when she received the text. She looked down, read it, smiled. The mom asked her what the text was about. Then mom went ballistic when she learned they had been in contact all this time.

 

[lillygator]

I am betting there are/were more issues going on that you probably don't know about. Your son could be trying to get info out of the step daugher for one. Do you still have a relationship with them?

 

[bumbershoot]

I know you don't want to hear that but I have dd's and it seems weird to be texting them when you don't have a relationship with their mom anymore.

That's really sad.

I had a stepdad who was in my life from when I was around 9 (maybe younger, can't remember) until he disappeared after he moved out when I was 17. Never saw him again. Never heard from him. Recently I found him online, so I know he didn't drive off a cliff back in '87.

I think it's so sad.

Sure, the OP's son was only a stepdad for 3 years, but I'm sure they dated a bit before that, so he was in the girl's life for a span of years...it's just sad to think that he's not allowed to talk to her, and she's not allowed to talk to him...

MIG's son is probably a much better person than it turned out my first stepdad was, so it's even sadder. IMO.

 

[wdwfan16]

I just don't understand it. If you once loved someone, but for some reason it didn't work out, why do you/they have to be mean to each other? Especially the one who wanted to end it?

Our DS was married for almost 3 years to a very nice girl. They each had two children so it was a blended marriage, and it just didn't work out. They separated, but still spent a lot of time together, and went to counseling for a few months. DS was practically living at her place, but wanted to get back together and she kept dragging her heels. Finally he told her it was either call it quits or get back together. She wanted to call it quits. Fine. It hurt him, but he dealt with it. She had another guy move in with her about 2 weeks later, so apparantly had this relationship on the side. This was early last fall that this all happened.

Fast forward, her daughter turned 17 on March 23. DS texted her to wish her a happy birthday. They had occasionally texted back and forth before that. He was her Step-Dad for almost 3 years, and still cares for her and obviously she still cares for him since she answers his texts. There was a nasty message on our answering machine from DS's ex-wife saying she didn't want him having any contact, in any way, shape or form, with her daughter and said to leave them alone. So nasty and mean.

I just don't see why she has to be that way. They don't have any children together so they're not at all tied to each other, but good grief he can't even text a happy birthday message to his former step-daughter? The girl is 17, I think she is old enough to decide for herself if she wants to have anything to do with him.

What do you think?

It is HER daughter and she is a minor so the Mom has all the say. Your son needs to honor her wishes until the daughter is 18. Then the daughter can make the decision.

 

[disneyjunkie]

sounds like she wants to cut all ties with him. She may have asked him to stay away several times.

Sometimes you have to get nasty in order to get your point across.

It doesn't matter how old the girl is. Her mother asked him not to contact them so he should respect that.

 

[iwrbnd]

The step-daughter didn't divorce her step-dad so he should be able to say happy birthday at least!

 

[wdwfan16]

Like I said, our DS and his former step-daughter have texted before. His ex-wife never said a word to us about it before so I just don't get the nastiness about it now. A simple "could you please tell your son I would appreciate him not texting my daughter anymore" would have sufficed and I would have passed the message along. But to be so nasty about it is just uncalled for. And if she were younger, I could understand if she didn't want her DD to have any kind of relationship with him, but since her DD is 17 I just don't see what hurt it does, if they both want to keep in touch with each other. If the DD didn't want to, then that would be different. But to just text her a simple "happy birthday" message and have his ex-wife be so mean about it baffles me. And she could have called, or texted, him on his cell phone so I don't understand why she felt the need to leave the message on OUR answering machine. Unless she has asked him before and he still does it, that I don't know but I will be asking him about it. But I still don't understand the nastiness. It's just sad to me, to be that way when you once loved the person, or said you did.

Your son is an adult and can talk to his ex.

 

[Jennasis]

Why would the message neeed to be relayed through you? The ex should speak to your DS directly and vice versa. You shouldn't be involved at all.