How about a JOKE thread? Everyone loves Jokes :)

[maciec]

What do you call a boy with a dictionary in his back pocket

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Smarty Pants!

 

[stemikger]

Man to Lady: Is that a Henway in your hair?

Lady: What's a Henway?

Man: About 5 pounds.

 

[Goobergal99]

I have a few....

Ok.....

When Warren Zevon died, he was surprised to find himself in rock-n-roll heaven. St. Peter was showing him around, introducing him to all the departed rock stars. Visiting a fantastic music studio, he saw Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, John Bonham, Mama Cass, etc., etc.
Suddenly, with a flourish, Bono walked into the studio and joined in the jam.
Zevon gasped to St. Peter: 'I didn't know Bono died!'
'Oh no,' replied Peter 'That's God - he just THINKS he's Bono

 

[Goobergal99]

So.....

Cars
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big truck runs them over, killing them instantly. They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed by St. Peter.
"OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter you know."
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro over there, goodbye." He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did cheat on my wife 3 times." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron, goodbye." He then looks at Jacob and asks, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"
Jacob lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that over 20 years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife! In fact, my beloved has been dead for 2 years now and I remained celibate the whole time!"
St. Peter replies, "Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that Ferrari convertible. Goodbye!"
A couple of hours later, Vito and Eddie are waiting for Jacob at the park where all three had planned to meet. Jacob arrives a couple of minutes late in his Ferrari, and his friends notice that he is sobbing like a baby. Vito asks, "Hey! Whats a matter wid you? We should be crying! We're stuck with these ugly buckets and you got a new Ferrari!" Jacob, between sobs replies, "I just saw my wife on a skateboard!"

 

[Goobergal99]

Teenagers!
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

 

[Cool-Beans]

Frog walks into a bank wearing his best Sunday-go-to-Meeting clothes. Approaches the loan officer, Ms. Paddywack and states, "I would like to take out a loan, if you please."

Loan officer informs him they don't give loans to frogs.

Frog repeats, "I would like to take out a loan, if you please."

Back and forth they go - loan officer politely declining, frog repeating statement. Finally she asks the frog if he has any collateral and he holds out his hand and produces a small, unidentifiable object.

She asks the frog what the heck it is and frog just repeats his "...if you please," statement.

Loan officer calls bank manager, brings him up-to-date on situation.

Bank manager comes over, looks at the frog's item and exasperatedly says, "That's a knick-knack, Paddywack - Give the frog a loan!"

 

[stemikger]

A string walks in a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says I'm sorry we don't serve strings here.

The string walks away and goes to the bathroom. While in the bathroom the string ties it self and makes the end of himself look very messy.

The string walks back to the bar and tries to order another drink. The bartender says hey aren't you that string who walked in here a few minutes ago.

The string says: I'm a frayed knot.

 

[RUDisney]

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1) Parish information read only during the homily. 2) Catholic air conditioning. 3) Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

MANGER: 1) Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2) The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: a medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Two men walk into a bar.........









The third one ducks.

 

[reeeoga]

Whats an Ether Net good for?







getting an Ether Bunny

 

[Mr. Silly]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?








Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?








Tame way--unique up on it.

 

[HaleyB]

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Eckiphino. Well, that's not really what you get, but you must understand, this is a family attraction.

 

[Mr. Silly]

Why did the one handed man cross the road?



















To get to the second hand shop.

 

[HaleyB]

Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
























A: No body

 

[HaleyB]

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
























Bone appetit !

 

[Mr. Silly]

What lies on its back a hundred feet in the air?















A dead centipede.

 

[vsimeone]

Here's my contribution. It's the only joke I know. It's PG but no worse than the pirate steering wheel one! (That one was great BTW!)

There are two potatoes standing on a street corner. How can you tell which one is a prostitute?
















It the one with the sticker that says Idaho (Get it - I Da Ho)

 

[Mr. Silly]

What is bright orange and sounds like a parrot?

















A carrot.

 

[Mr. Silly]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

















A stick.

 

[Mr. Silly]

What did the elephant say to the naked man?






















"It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?"