How about a JOKE thread? Everyone loves Jokes :)

[sanctus]

Two guys are drinking together in a bar on top of a skyscraper.

The first guy says, “You know, the wind currents up here are really wild. If you jump out the window up here, the wind will pick you up and blow you right back in the window.”

The second guy argues with this, so the first guy tells him, “Watch, then.”

He jumps out the window and starts falling, falling, falling……at the last minute, the wind picks him up, turns him around, and deposits him right back in the bar.

The second guy says, “WOW!! I gotta try that!!”

He jumps out the window and starts falling, falling, falling……

SPLAT!

The bartender says to the first guy…”Superman, you are one mean drunk.”

 

[reeeoga]

Bumping to lighten the mood for the day.

Rules of Kansas
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, & I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in Kansas...and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and high school basketball is important here and fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Kansas State University, University of Kansas, Wichita State University, or Fort Hays State University. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so "Don't Mess with Kansas". If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

 

[WooHoo2U]

BOUNCE

 

[reeeoga]

Unspoken Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, Your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the Stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, The very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start To move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss Will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, By the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

 

[reeeoga]

A woman goes to the drugstore and asks for arsenic. “What do you want arsenic for?” the pharmacist asks. “I want to kill my husband,” she replies. “He’s having an affair with another woman.” “I can’t sell you arsenic to kill your husband,” says the pharmacist, “even if he is cheating.” The woman pulls out a picture of her husband with the pharmacist’s wife. The druggist turns pale and replies, “Oh, I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

 

[reeeoga]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[reeeoga]

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer... Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma. All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.