Housemate Common Space Issues

[DopeyDame]

I think she probably didn't tell you her plans precisely because you aren't usually home. How was she to know that tonight is the night, out of all the last several weeks, that you would be home and want to be in the living room.
That said, I also get your frustration.
This is precisely why I always had a tv in my room when I had roommates. I don't think you should feel like you need to hide in your room - use the kitchen, walk through the living room, etc as you see fit. But I also don't think you should be mad at her for making plans to use those spaces.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Your house, your common living area...
I would spend the evening watching something on TV, in the common living area, if that is what I wanted to do. Let her and her date do as they please, and deal with it as they please.

The room-mate should be thanking her lucky stars that she does have most evenings to herself.

As far as I can tell, she has no right, at all, to to expect you to leave or to expect you to be exiled to your bedroom. She should not be making specific plans to have exclusive use of the house unless she has mentioned it to you first. Does not matter one teeny tiny bit if you have been working a lot of evenings. On this particular evening, you will not be working. (I disagree with the above post.) She should not be making any assumptions.

You should not need her prior approval to come home from work on your evening off and relax in your home.

I think I am missing what the internet service has to do with anything???

 

[vickalamode]

Your house, your common living area...
I would spend the evening watching something on TV, in the common living area, if that is what I wanted to do.

The room-mate should be thanking her lucky stars that she does have most evenings to herself.
As far as I can tell, she has no right, at all, to to expect you to leave or to expect you to be exiled to your bedroom.

I think I am missing what the internet service has to do with anything???

We don't have cable and haven't had internet for a while. I never renewed it because I've been so busy in past months. She doesn't want to split the bill with me, and the TV in the living room (which I own) basically only runs on streaming HBO/Netflix since we also don't have cable. I dont mind sharing the space and my things but I very rarely am around and able to use them and always give advance notice on my plans

 

[DisneyMommyMichelle]

I think you said it right in your opening sentence, you work a lot of hours and how was she to know you would have this one evening off? You both didn't give advance notification but at the same time, you should not have to. The living room, kitchen and bathroom are common areas, which means you really can't reserve them. If you want to watch GOT, then go for it, but prepared for guests just as she needs to be ready for you to be there as well. It works both ways for those areas. Do you have a TV in your room? With all that working, it might be good to Veg in bed as you watch, that's what I like to do when I binge watch shows! LOL

 

[jen0610]

Way back when we had a roommate, the house rule was: The kitchen, dinning and living rooms were SHARED space. It wasn't mine, his or hers. We each had TV's in our bedrooms, which were our individual spaces. For the living room TV, it was first come, first choice on the show being watched. Nobody got EXCLUSIVE use of those three rooms. If she was home and her current date, where there watching TV and it was something I wanted to watch, I joined them. Didn't ask permission, as it was JOINT space. If they wanted alone time or I didn't want to be around them, that party went to their room - each one's individual space.

With the kitchen, again no exclusive use. The pantry had fives shelves, she and I split them, as the 3rd room mate never cooked and just kicked extra money to us for any joint meals that we did. It was pretty 50/50 if we did joint meals or each fend for themselves. She took the bottom 2 shelves for her stuff and I got the top two. The middle shelf was the staples shelves. The items that each of us buying didn't make sense. The fridge was the same way, the top one held the joint items, while we each took a shelf for our items and each had a crisper drawer. But the other kitchen rule was, clean up as you go.

Now, this worked because all three of us worked a full time job and 2 of us had part time jobs. We all could afford to cover the total expenses of living in an apartment together. If any one piece couldn't have pulled their fair share, it wouldn't have worked out as well for us.

 

[lady_hlh]

I always had roommates before I got married and none of us ever reserved the common space. If you didn't want to deal with them or their SO you just went to your own room for peace and quite. I think because you're not home very often your roommate is feeling like the apartment is basically hers and she doesn't like you intruding on it.

 

[Hrhpd]

We don't have cable and haven't had internet for a while. I never renewed it because I've been so busy in past months. She doesn't want to split the bill with me, and the TV in the living room (which I own) basically only runs on streaming HBO/Netflix since we also don't have cable. I dont mind sharing the space and my things but I very rarely am around and able to use them and always give advance notice on my plans

I am confused.

It sounds like you are saying that because you paid the internet bill and she does not want to split the bill, you do not want her in the living room while you are watching "your" internet.

Otherwise I do not know why you keep emphasising this along with mentioning you are not sharing the internet password with her.

IF this is the case that you do not want her to watch your Netflix since you paid for it, you need to move the TV and your internet into your private space, ie, your room.

Otherwise, just watch GOT in your living room and since it is shared space, pop some popcorn and invite your roommate and her date to join you.

 

[NHdisneylover]

In my opinion and (limited) roomate experience--the only space that is yours to use privately is your bedroom (and a reasonable amoutn of time alone in the bathroom, obviously).

If EITHER of you wants to be sure you have exclusive use of a shared space, at any time, even a time that the other is not normally there, that would be a favour that you would need to ASK for (not assume or demand) and do so in advance and if the other did not want to grant that favour for any reason (like it being a rare night off--hopefully not just to be a jerk if the requests are not coming in constantly), then accept that graciously.

In this current case, I think I would say that I am sorry but I am not going to spend my rare night out hiding in my room--but they are, of course, more than welcome to join me watching TV since of course the living room is a shared space, and then just do more or less what you had planned.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Long time ago I worked swing shift and a lot of over time, while my room mate worked days. We rarely saw each other. Then I switched to days, and started dating DH. Room mate was jealous that she was 3 yrs older and wasn't dating anyone, and resented having my DH-to-be spending so much time at the apartment. We eventually moved to a different apartment complex -- different apartments, different room mates. (This was back in the day that living with a future spouse was frowned on. Even "entertaining" in the bedroom wasn't "acceptable.") DH-to-be and I wanted our privacy, but the roomie wanted her space. No right or wrong; we just had different needs. It was so much simpler when DH and I got married. The former room mate eventually married, and we get along fine now.

 

[LinderInWonderland]

Way back when we had a roommate, the house rule was: The kitchen, dinning and living rooms were SHARED space. It wasn't mine, his or hers. We each had TV's in our bedrooms, which were our individual spaces. For the living room TV, it was first come, first choice on the show being watched. Nobody got EXCLUSIVE use of those three rooms. If she was home and her current date, where there watching TV and it was something I wanted to watch, I joined them. Didn't ask permission, as it was JOINT space. If they wanted alone time or I didn't want to be around them, that party went to their room - each one's individual space.

With the kitchen, again no exclusive use. The pantry had fives shelves, she and I split them, as the 3rd room mate never cooked and just kicked extra money to us for any joint meals that we did. It was pretty 50/50 if we did joint meals or each fend for themselves. She took the bottom 2 shelves for her stuff and I got the top two. The middle shelf was the staples shelves. The items that each of us buying didn't make sense. The fridge was the same way, the top one held the joint items, while we each took a shelf for our items and each had a crisper drawer. But the other kitchen rule was, clean up as you go.

Now, this worked because all three of us worked a full time job and 2 of us had part time jobs. We all could afford to cover the total expenses of living in an apartment together. If any one piece couldn't have pulled their fair share, it wouldn't have worked out as well for us.

We were the same. I lived in a three bedroom apartment in Manhattan with two other roommates (and for 6 months of the year, 3 roommates). We had 'family' dinner on Mondays and Tuesdays where one of us would cook for everyone else and took cooking duty in turns. Staples were shared, but we each had our own shelf in the fridge.

For the OP, if we had guests (and we ALWAYS had guests because it was a free place to stay in NYC if someone had an audition or just wanted to come to New York), they could stay in our room or the living room as long as everyone knew about it in advance. We were able to work it out without a whiteboard, but all of us worked similar schedules (3 of us worked at the same place) and it was easy to work out. It was important for us to know who was in the apartment, just from a safety standpoint.

It makes me laugh to think back on living in an apartment with up to 8 people at times (roommates and guests) and we only had one bathroom. How did we ever survive?

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, if the specifics of internet and watching TV is a true factor, then, is it not possible for you to move your TV, and whatever connections/means that there is for streaming, into your bedroom?

There are some pretty cheap TV's now, and I would def. look into a second TV so that you could watch in either place.
In a situation like yours, I would def. see my bedroom as 'my space' and like a mini-studio, just so, given the fact that common areas are 'common' areas, one would have their own personal space/retreat.

Having said that, I agree with most posters here that common areas are COMMON areas. As the set-up stands, I would come home, start my G-O-T marathon, and let the room-mate also do whatever their plans are.

It is definitely not right for the room-mate to expect you to feel unwelcome/banished from your own living/common areas, your TV, etc...... Of course, there can be some mutually pre-determined and agreed upon 'my night' - 'your night'... but this was def. NOT one of those types of situations.

I think the room-mates expectations are coming off as a bit entitled.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It makes me laugh to think back on living in an apartment with up to 8 people at times (roommates and guests) and we only had one bathroom.

OMG!!!!!
I am from a large family, and there was always the second 'master' bath!!!!

Then again, maybe there is something to be said for 'togetherness'!!!!!

 

[NHdisneylover]

I hadn't thought about the OP possibly not wanting the roommate to be able to watch the show the OP is streaming if the roommate is not paying internet. I agree with the poster who brought that up that IF that is the case, it is wrong---if you put a show on in a common area, you have to be ok with other people who live there coming into the common area and seeing it too--no matter who paid for the streaming, DVD, cable bill, etc.

 

[piccolopat]

IMHO, common space is just that, common. It should be available and shareable by all parties unless an agreement is made otherwise. If the TV belongs to you, you can set the rules on when and how it is used. Your roommate should not expect exclusive use of common areas and she shouldn't assume you won't ever be home just because you've been working a lot lately. Can she go to her boyfriend's house instead?

 

[bcla]

I hadn't thought about the OP possibly not wanting the roommate to be able to watch the show the OP is streaming if the roommate is not paying internet. I agree with the poster who brought that up that IF that is the case, it is wrong---if you put a show on in a common area, you have to be ok with other people who live there coming into the common area and seeing it too--no matter who paid for the streaming, DVD, cable bill, etc.

i remember way back when I bought my first house and shared it by renting out rooms. For the most part everyone got along and we never worried too hard about it. I had various people there, but as long as we all paid for it and I left my equipment in the living room, others could use it although it was somewhat understood that I had priority.

I've had another situation where I was renting a room. Gladly we never had too much drama. We were all working at the same place and for the most part only occasionally used the common areas. I don't think there was ever an argument over anything.

 

[design_mom]

Long time ago I worked swing shift and a lot of over time, while my room mate worked days. We rarely saw each other. Then I switched to days, and started dating DH. Room mate was jealous that she was 3 yrs older and wasn't dating anyone, and resented having my DH-to-be spending so much time at the apartment. We eventually moved to a different apartment complex -- different apartments, different room mates. (This was back in the day that living with a future spouse was frowned on. Even "entertaining" in the bedroom wasn't "acceptable.") DH-to-be and I wanted our privacy, but the roomie wanted her space. No right or wrong; we just had different needs. It was so much simpler when DH and I got married. The former room mate eventually married, and we get along fine now.

I don't think that's quite the same thing at all. I will say I was in your former roommate's position and it's not fun. And it wasn't because I wasn't was jealous that she had a boyfriend and I did not. Her boyfriend was at our place all. the. time. Although he didn't usually sleep over, he arrived early so they could eat breakfast together and he was often still there when I went to bed for the night. On paper I had one roommate, but in reality I had two. And one was a guy I had no choice in picking. (And really, he was an OK guy. They're married now, and have been for 20+ years. We're still friends, but I did NOT appreciate meeting him in the hallway when I was headed to the bathroom in my pajamas, etc.)

Back to the OP: I agree that the common space needs to be free to use by everyone. And while it would have been nice of both of you could work it out if someone wants alone time, I don't think either of you has the right to claim it if the other party does not agree.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

Neither one of you should expect privacy in a common area. She can camp out in her room instead of the common living room if she needs privacy otherwise she should assume you will be in the common living area. If you require privacy to enjoy your TV then take your TV into your private area.

 

[bcla]

Back to the OP: I agree that the common space needs to be free to use by everyone. And while it would have been nice of both of you could work it out if someone wants alone time, I don't think either of you has the right to claim it if the other party does not agree.

As a landlord, there may be an issue with a "guest" staying over longer than a certain period. I had several rental agreements that said no longer than maybe 10 days or a number of days over a certain period. I was also renting to a Section 8 tenant once, and the terms that I signed with the housing agency said no guests longer than maybe 7 days and no guest could stay something like more than 14 days in a year. They really didn't want to turn it into where someone else sponged off the government paid housing. It may even be a means to impose a penalty for having "too many guests" when they suspect that a place may have an illegal sublet. I also suspected that some tenants might avoid getting married so they still qualify for the subsidy.

When I stayed at a certain place for several months, the landlord specifically said I could have my family over occasionally. I don't know if he would have allowed it long term. The other tenants didn't really mind though. I don't think the landlord really had to deal with it.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I don't think that's quite the same thing at all. I will say I was in your former roommate's position and it's not fun. And it wasn't because I wasn't was jealous that she had a boyfriend and I did not. Her boyfriend was at our place all. the. time. Although he didn't usually sleep over, he arrived early so they could eat breakfast together and he was often still there when I went to bed for the night. On paper I had one roommate, but in reality I had two. And one was a guy I had no choice in picking. (And really, he was an OK guy. They're married now, and have been for 20+ years. We're still friends, but I did NOT appreciate meeting him in the hallway when I was headed to the bathroom in my pajamas, etc.)

Back to the OP: I agree that the common space needs to be free to use by everyone. And while it would have been nice of both of you could work it out if someone wants alone time, I don't think either of you has the right to claim it if the other party does not agree.

That is a bit much.

 

[piccolopat]

Long time ago I worked swing shift and a lot of over time, while my room mate worked days. We rarely saw each other. Then I switched to days, and started dating DH. Room mate was jealous that she was 3 yrs older and wasn't dating anyone, and resented having my DH-to-be spending so much time at the apartment. We eventually moved to a different apartment complex -- different apartments, different room mates. (This was back in the day that living with a future spouse was frowned on. Even "entertaining" in the bedroom wasn't "acceptable.") DH-to-be and I wanted our privacy, but the roomie wanted her space. No right or wrong; we just had different needs. It was so much simpler when DH and I got married. The former room mate eventually married, and we get along fine now.

I'm not sure if your roommate was jealous or if she just felt having your date over all the time was an invasion of her privacy and right to enjoy the space. Let's face it, you can't walk around in your nightgown or really relax when a visitor is there. Heck, I wouldn't want to be cleaning or exercising or even paying the bills if a visitor was there. If he was over as much as you are implying, I would have asked you to limit his visits at the apartment. Couldn't you spend time with him elsewhere?