Housemate Common Space Issues

[piccolopat]

I don't think that's quite the same thing at all. I will say I was in your former roommate's position and it's not fun. And it wasn't because I wasn't was jealous that she had a boyfriend and I did not. Her boyfriend was at our place all. the. time. Although he didn't usually sleep over, he arrived early so they could eat breakfast together and he was often still there when I went to bed for the night. On paper I had one roommate, but in reality I had two. And one was a guy I had no choice in picking. (And really, he was an OK guy. They're married now, and have been for 20+ years. We're still friends, but I did NOT appreciate meeting him in the hallway when I was headed to the bathroom in my pajamas, etc.)

Back to the OP: I agree that the common space needs to be free to use by everyone. And while it would have been nice of both of you could work it out if someone wants alone time, I don't think either of you has the right to claim it if the other party does not agree.

IMHO, that was way too much time for him to be spending at a place he didn't live and was only a visitor.

 

[mummabear]

IMHO, common space is just that, common. It should be available and shareable by all parties unless an agreement is made otherwise. If the TV belongs to you, you can set the rules on when and how it is used. Your roommate should not expect exclusive use of common areas and she shouldn't assume you won't ever be home just because you've been working a lot lately. Can she go to her boyfriend's house instead?

Not if it is in the common area, If OP doesnt want her roommate to use the TV she should move it to her room.
Imagine how difficult that gets the couch is the roommstes so now she doesnt want OP to sit on it....

OP its common area, if your roommate wants a kitchen lounge etc to herself then she needs to get her own place.

 

[Tinijocaro]

How do you deal with sharing the common space in a shared home?
I've been working 70 hours a week between my 9-5 job and a side project that I've been working on constantly for the past few months. I'm very rarely home. My roommate is unemployed and has the house to herself a vast majority of the time.
We haven't had internet in a while so I paid to have it set up. She doesn't want to split the bill, so I'm paying it and not sharing the password with her. I think this is fair. It's being set up today, and after months of working my tail off I was looking forward to an evening of relaxing and catching up on Game of Thrones.
So, yesterday I texted her and gave her 24+ hour advance notice that I would have an evening where I actually would be home, and that I intended on using the living room since I would be able to watch something for the first time in months.
She freaked out and told me she was having a date over, was using the kitchen to make an elaborate dinner for him and that they were then going to camp out in the living room. She didn't tell me about these plans in advance.
I don't really think it's fair for me to be forced to be exiled to my bedroom on the one night I've had a chance to relax and just be at home in a really long time, especially since she is unemployed and gets the place to herself most of the time. She also just had this guy over less than a week ago and monopolized the entire house entertaining him, making it so I couldn't use the common areas. And I then had to listen to them going at it all night.
I kind of feel like if I can't use the kitchen tonight and have to listen to them going at it I should at least be able to use the living room, especially when she never even told me about this guest until the last minute. I don't mind her having guests over but some advance notice would have been nice and I would have planned my time differently so that I wouldn't be home.

Time to set some rules-maybe set up a usage chart-so that if there is a time that one of you REALLY wants the use of the living room, you can sign up for it. I am a teacher and we have to do this for the use of the auditorium-not the same I know, but it works. Since you are never there, she has probably began assuming the run of the place is hers, she may even feel territorial. Good luck.

 

[Rhie]

I gave her over 24 hours notice, she didn't tell me she was planning on using all of the common areas of the house to host a romantic dinner date until after I told her my plans. I feel like there's a huge difference there.

No not really. She had no reason to assume you would be home until you told her your plans. Why would she think to tell you before? She can make exactly the same argument from her point of view, and be just as right as you are. It is unfair to ask her to change her plans, since she made them in advance just like you did. And even if she is unemployed, that doesn't mean her boyfriend is or that he or she have a completely free schedule. And once or twice a week is what I would expect for seeing a local boyfriend, honestly. Mine is two hours away and I see him about once or twice a month.

It doesn't sound like you talk much in a way that would reveal such plans or have any kind of agreed on minimum lead time. I'd say agree on a lead time you both can consistently abide by and you both stick to it. And, that means that you will know when he is there and can make plans to be out if their being there is uncomfortable.

As far as her boyfriend and taking over, I'd say that's a thing to talk to her about. Maybe she doesn't realize that you feel uncomfortable being in the same room they are, as you aren't home during a lot of it. Gently let her know that you can hear them being intimate. Let her know you feel like you can't use the common rooms while he's over. Whether she "Should" know this or not isn't really relevant. Clearly she doesn't, and it is always better to assume obliviousness than malice. Her response to you will tell which it is quickly enough. Sit down, ask her for her input into what a fair arrangement would be, and see what happens.

 

[jevs]

No not really. She had no reason to assume you would be home until you told her your plans. Why would she think to tell you before? She can make exactly the same argument from her point of view, and be just as right as you are. It is unfair to ask her to change her plans, since she made them in advance just like you did. And even if she is unemployed, that doesn't mean her boyfriend is or that he or she have a completely free schedule. And once or twice a week is what I would expect for seeing a local boyfriend, honestly. Mine is two hours away and I see him about once or twice a month.

It doesn't sound like you talk much in a way that would reveal such plans or have any kind of agreed on minimum lead time. I'd say agree on a lead time you both can consistently abide by and you both stick to it. And, that means that you will know when he is there and can make plans to be out if their being there is uncomfortable.

As far as her boyfriend and taking over, I'd say that's a thing to talk to her about. Maybe she doesn't realize that you feel uncomfortable being in the same room they are, as you aren't home during a lot of it. Gently let her know that you can hear them being intimate. Let her know you feel like you can't use the common rooms while he's over. Whether she "Should" know this or not isn't really relevant. Clearly she doesn't, and it is always better to assume obliviousness than malice. Her response to you will tell which it is quickly enough. Sit down, ask her for her input into what a fair arrangement would be, and see what happens.

The flatmate is taking the mickey. She's treating the OP like a guest in her own home.

Also, OP next time things are getting a little loud all night set the fire alarm off to put them off their stride.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Have to totally disagree with the above....
A room-mate should clear it FIRST before they make specific plans if they want full private use of the common area.
Any assumptions on that part would be assumptions and entitlement.
IMHO, it would be ridiculous to think that the OP should have to clear it first, just to come home and relax in her own home.
Huge difference.

OP, I know that it 'feels' as if they are taking over when they are there together.
Three is always and uncomfortable number!!!!
But, the thing is, she has just as much right to have a friend/bf over and be in the common areas occasionally as you have the right to relax on your evening off.

Of course there might be times when you want to say 'get a room!!!'.
But, the reality is, she does have a room, it just happens to be one thin door away.
Not ideal... But, part of what comes with living with others.

 

[Wishing on a star]

....next time things are getting a little loud all night set the fire alarm off to put them off their stride.

Hahaha!!!
My favorite that I have heard here on the DIS was a thread about loud couples in the hotel room next door.... the poster said that.... "She must have been very religious.. always calling out to god..." and then the poster, or another poster said something like... "... when they are done... very very loudly, break into singing the Hallelujah Chorus!"

 

[BigRed321]

Install security cameras inside the house.. That will shut her little love nest down...

But make sure you tell her the cameras are being streamed live to internet...

 

[jevs]

Replay the sound of cheering at a football match at regular intervals.

 

[roseaster]

I think that you are both wrong. If we are discussing common areas such as the living room and kitchen one roommate cannot pre-empt the other from using that space.

You have no right to stake claim to the living room for your sole use and neither does she. If the TV is yours and the internet access is yours for your soul use you should move it into your bedroom.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Of course, roseaster, it goes equally both ways.
I am thinking, though, that the OP is not wanting 'exclusive use'... Just that she doesn't want to be exiled/banished and made to feel unwelcome/uncomfortable because the room-mate is EXPECTING exclusive use.

The OP has not come back to clarify...
But I am not going to jump to the negative conclusion that she was expecting exclusive use...
She wrote: "I don't really think it's fair for me to be forced to be exiled to my bedroom on the one night I've had a chance to relax and just be at home in a really long time, ... She also just had this guy over less than a week ago and monopolized the entire house entertaining him, making it so I couldn't use the common areas."

The others could be right!!! But, I am cutting her a break, and assume that she was just having a problem with her room-mate planing this big stay-at-home date, making her feel like she is not welcome in her own home.

 

[HM]

So, OP, what was the outcome of this all? Wasn't last night the night for GOT and the Date?

 

[roseaster]

LOL. Here is the difference. If there is something I really want to watch and not be interrupted I WANT to watch it in the bedroom.

Even among my family, I recognize that the TV room is common space, that it is for everyone's use and no one can expect to use it alone unless special plans, such as a party, are made far in advance.

IDK if the OP or the roommate is expecting sole use of the living room, but neither should.

 

[vickalamode]

Of course, roseaster, it goes equally both ways.
I am thinking, though, that the OP is not wanting 'exclusive use'... Just that she doesn't want to be exiled/banished and made to feel unwelcome/uncomfortable because the room-mate is EXPECTING exclusive use.

The OP has not come back to clarify...
But I am not going to jump to the negative conclusion that she was expecting exclusive use...
She wrote: "I don't really think it's fair for me to be forced to be exiled to my bedroom on the one night I've had a chance to relax and just be at home in a really long time, ... She also just had this guy over less than a week ago and monopolized the entire house entertaining him, making it so I couldn't use the common areas."

The others could be right!!! But, I am cutting her a break, and assume that she was just having a problem with her room-mate planing this big stay-at-home date, making her feel like she is not welcome in her own home.

Yes, this, exactly. I don't mind sharing the space with others, at all. But when she has this guy over, they take over the common area, and get way too cozy on the couch to a level that it's uncomfortable for me to be in the same room, which makes things awkward since to get to my bedroom you have to walk directly past the sofa. Basically the only thing I want is a fair amount of warning if she is going to host elaborate date nights at home...I don't care if she has him over, but before moving in we agreed on giving each other a fair notice on this sort of thing and she has not upheld her end of the deal. We also agreed on no more than two nights a week of having a significant other stay over...annnnnd I just got home from work, and guess who hasn't left yet?

I'm really glad that tonight is yet another day of working all day at my regular job and that I'm now headed to the makerspace to make improvements on my art project, the main reason I haven't been home most nights for a while. Totally OT from my original post, but it is a Disney-related project. I build a giant, 7 foot tall, touch sensitive genie lamp that grants wishes with a giant poof of fire when you rub it. .....You can see more about my art piece here: https://www.facebook.com/TheGenieLamp/

It's going to FIGMENT Boston on July 30th across from South Station and will also be at Burning Man for any other burners who might be on here.

 

[Lilacs4Me]

I agree with most of the replies -

BUT ONLY IF: your roommate paying equal rent, on time? If so, then stop talking about how she is unemployed. It doesn't matter one bit what she is doing all day, so long as it is legal, doesn't create damage or a mess in the house, and she is paying her bills on time.

You honestly sounded slightly unreasonable to me. If you are gone 70+ hours a week working and away from the house, what makes you think that she had any inkling that tomorrow night would be the night you would be home and wanted the TV/internet? 24 hours notice is not long enough - you have to understand that she had plans to do something in a house where she is there by herself 95% of the time, that she may have had these plans for 2 weeks already and didn't think to "clear" it with you because you are never there!

IMO, if you are paying equally for the room and board, then your 24-hour "notice" is really a REQUEST and if she comes back and says sorry, I've had these plans and you are never here so I didn't think you'd be here tomorrow either, then you should bow out and set up your GOT night in your room. Neither of your employment status has any bearing on any of it.

JMO...