Horrible husband's midlife crisis?

[Wailea]

I'd love some insight from people who might have been through something similar with their spouse:

We have been married for 11 years and have a 9 year old child. He's been anxious and depressed for at least 10 years.
He's always been a glass half empty kinda guy, but about a year ago his discontentment with life in general seemed to take a turn for the worse. He decided he wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Since then, he's been hardly ever home, going from his day job to his free gigs, coming back at midnight-2am at least 4 nights a week. He's usually not there on the weekend either. He now drinks (mixed with his prescribed high dose of xanax), smokes, changed his clothes to match the new younger, single, hip friends he parties with. When I tell him that it's not appropriate for a man with a family to do so, he tells me I'm trying to control him. He's constantly on his phone. We just took a trip to Disney, and it was obvious he didn't want to be with us. Sadly, our child noticed too.
I've been single parenting. The worst was 2 months ago when he told me he was no longer in love with me and did not find me attractive anymore, unlike the women he comes across in his new hobby. He now hates his life, his parents, his job, his car... He says he doesn't know what he truly wants when it comes to the family, that he's unhappy.
I know he is depressed and he agreed to see a therapist. Sadly it seems to keep him in a victim mentality. He's been so moody and self absorbed.
I have no family, only one friend, and my job unexpectedly just went from full time to part time, so I am broke as well. My spirit is crushed, and I don't know what to do with the limbo he's left me in. I am having a very hard time coping with the constant heartache with no support system. I cannot afford therapy. The man I love has become a monster. Could it be a phase?

 

[cabanafrau]

If he agreed to see a therapist, presumably that means there is money to do so. Yet there is not money for you to see a therapist?

Sounds like it would be money well spent IMO.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

I am sorry you are going through this. Hugs to you. I think you need to decide if he is the same man you love and want to be with as he was when you were first married. If he's not, then maybe it's time to move on. Maybe it's time to make yourself happy and concentrate on your child and yourself. Sadly, most people don't want to change so in order for you to be happy you may have to be the one who does. I am not a therapist by any means but I have been married long enough to know some things you can work out and some things you can't. I would say that maybe he found someone else since he is acting so differently. Trust your gut. If you think he is cheating (even though you don't mention it) then he very well could be. Try marriage/family counseling. Try whatever you feel will help but at the end of the day if you think you would be happier without him then I would say goodbye only because you seem so unhappy with him. Good luck to you.

 

[Shanti]

He's always been a glass half empty kinda guy, but about a year ago his discontentment with life in general seemed to take a turn for the worse...Since then, he's been hardly ever home, going from his day job to his free gigs, coming back at midnight-2am at least 4 nights a week. He's usually not there on the weekend either. He now drinks (mixed with his prescribed high dose of xanax), smokes...We just took a trip to Disney, and it was obvious he didn't want to be with us. Sadly, our child noticed too...I've been single parenting. The worst was 2 months ago when he told me he was no longer in love with me and did not find me attractive anymore, unlike the women he comes across in his new hobby. He now hates his life, his parents, his job, his car...

I'm really sorry to say this, but from my perspective this marriage does not seem salvable. Notice your words above that I bolded. Is that anywhere remotely close to what you want from a spouse? Does it sound like he really cares? A mid-life crisis is one thing. Treating your wife and child like they are unimportant and not even worth your time is another.

I'm not the type of person who frequently advises break-ups, but in this case, I think you need to be pondering the possibilities of different divorce scenarios. Even if you aren't emotionally able to leave him, it seems very likely that he will eventually leave you. And given his selfish behavior and cruel words, he will probably leave you sooner (in the next year or so) rather than later. I wouldn't be surprised if he was behaving this way as a way of preparing you emotionally for the fact that he's going to leave. He might also be trying to get you to leave him, a not uncommon tactic.

In your shoes, I would start looking at full-time job options, to be ready to cope whenever the likely split occurs. I would also look into Legal Aid, so you can have some inexpensive legal support through divorce and custody proceedings. Document his behavior now. You might need the information later in court.

I'm sorry to not be the optimistic responder here, but no, imo this does not seem to be a phase.

But whatever you do, don't blame yourself or assume your life is somehow over because a relationship didn't work. He is responsible for his actions, not you. You will move on from this, grow stronger, be happy. Have faith. Hugs!

 

[morgan98]

I have shared my story on here before, but let me just tell you he has a girlfriend...I can guarantee it almost 99.9%. That is why he is no longer is love with you, dresses and acts completely differently, etc. Don't let him blame you, his parents, his child or anything else. I have been there, and done that.

Once you come to terms with this, what you need to do will become a little clearer.

 

[mjkacmom]

You could try couples therapy, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is already someone else (based on what happened with most of my divorced friends who's spouses told them they didn't love/weren't attracted to their spouses). Don't rely on him to make you happy, you need to make yourself happy.

 

[Christine]

The biggest flag of cheating for a man (or a woman) is the statement that they aren't in love with you anymore and don't find you attractive. Can't say for sure, but obviously his new life has led him into new people/crowds and I'm sure there's an *interest* there with someone too.

Honestly, the issues with this guy seem like they are going to be lifelong. You're still young enough. Just get out or you will be his emotional punching bag for the rest of your life.

 

[Disneylover99]

I'd love some insight from people who might have been through something similar with their spouse:

We have been married for 11 years and have a 9 year old child. He's been anxious and depressed for at least 10 years.
He's always been a glass half empty kinda guy, but about a year ago his discontentment with life in general seemed to take a turn for the worse. He decided he wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Since then, he's been hardly ever home, going from his day job to his free gigs, coming back at midnight-2am at least 4 nights a week. He's usually not there on the weekend either. He now drinks (mixed with his prescribed high dose of xanax), smokes, changed his clothes to match the new younger, single, hip friends he parties with. When I tell him that it's not appropriate for a man with a family to do so, he tells me I'm trying to control him. He's constantly on his phone. We just took a trip to Disney, and it was obvious he didn't want to be with us. Sadly, our child noticed too.
I've been single parenting. The worst was 2 months ago when he told me he was no longer in love with me and did not find me attractive anymore, unlike the women he comes across in his new hobby. He now hates his life, his parents, his job, his car... He says he doesn't know what he truly wants when it comes to the family, that he's unhappy.
I know he is depressed and he agreed to see a therapist. Sadly it seems to keep him in a victim mentality. He's been so moody and self absorbed.
I have no family, only one friend, and my job unexpectedly just went from full time to part time, so I am broke as well. My spirit is crushed, and I don't know what to do with the limbo he's left me in. I am having a very hard time coping with the constant heartache with no support system. I cannot afford therapy. The man I love has become a monster. Could it be a phase?

It's a difficult situation, but get your ducks in a row.....contact a lawyer, look within your community for a woman's support group of some sort, figure out a budget, etc.... and cut your losses.

The stress that comes from a relationship like this can really wear you down and you don't even realize it.

Best of luck to you!

 

[sunshinehighway]

Honestly? You're better off without him and the sooner the better. Your kid is too. He's a bad example of a husband and father.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Based on what you've written, no I don't think it's "just a phase" or something that you can work through. It appears he has completely checked out of the marriage and his role as a father in nearly every way possible. I would also highly suspect he is having an affair given the conversation you mentioned about how he is no longer in love with you and that you said he's always checking his phone.

Find a full time job and meet with a divorce attorney.

 

[Hikergirl]

I'm sorry OP, I agree with the others that this doesn't sound like a phase.
You need to start to focus on the next stage of your life, contact a lawyer and start looking for full time work. Check your area for support groups.

 

[DaisyJ]

He's already moved on to someone else. Time for you to do the same. Kick the loser to the curb.

 

[piccolopat]

Even if you aren't willing to walk away from this awful situation for yourself, please understand that your child will suffer. This man may have a mental disorder (you mentioned anxiety and depression) but that doesn't excuse how he is treating his family. A phase might last a couple of months, but this as been going on a year and is getting worse. He has decided that his old life isn't for him any longer and I'm afraid that he has made it clear that his new life doesn't include you.

You have to get a good picture of your finances and know exactly what your assets and liabilities are. You say you don't have money for therapy but you just came back from a vacation at Poly and it looks like you have a planned VB vacation in October. I know that your job just went from full to part time but what about the money your husband earns? Isn't that household money or is he keeping everything he earns for himself?

You need to talk to someone in your local social services or legal aid office. Find out what resources (financial, legal, therapy) are available for you and your child. You need to protect what assets you still have so he doesn't leave you with nothing. Find a place that you can afford to move to, even if it's just temporary. He sounds very unstable and with his drinking and drug use, he could turn violent so you might need to leave quickly. Please also protect yourself from STDs if that's a possibility anymore in your relationship. Don't tell him what you are planning to do. Get everything in order first. Stay safe and I hope you find a way out of this mess quickly.

 

[Magpie]

You should never stay anywhere you aren't wanted, appreciated and treated with respect. I think you've kept this marriage going well past its expiry date.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler. My mother sometimes struggles with low self-esteem (she was abused as a child), and I saw the parallels between the kind of disrespect she was willing to put up with from a lover, and what she was willing to put up with from an employer. I always thought she let things go on too long, but at least, ultimately, she always found a way to stand up and draw the line. To say, "I won't be treated like this any longer!" I admire her for that.

When I had kids of my own, I decided to teach them that they did NOT have to stay anywhere they weren't being treated with kindness and respect.

If your friends aren't kind, you don't have to be friends with them. You can go and find nicer people to hang out with. If school is making you miserable, we'll find another venue for you to learn in. If your job is so stressful you're getting sick, or so boring you dread going into work each day, start looking for a new job. If your partner has made it clear he doesn't care about you, walk away!

I know you've got a child, but think about what you're teaching your child when you let someone disrespect you and make you sad, and you don't do anything about it. Is this the lesson you want your child to learn, about how they deserve to be treated in this world? About standing up for themselves and knowing their own value and worth?

 

[DisneyOma]

Would you like me to come kick him in the balls for you? I'm quite willing to - he's treating you and your son like crap, so he's not using those balls at all right now

 

[sonnyjane]

I'm sorry OP, I agree with the others that this doesn't sound like a phase.
You need to start to focus on the next stage of your life, contact a lawyer and start looking for full time work. Check your area for support groups.

Yeah. Big time. If he's been depressed for 10 out of 11 married years, it's not a phase, and now you're dealing with substance abuse issues too. The time to address this was years ago. You've already been a doormat far too long.

 

[sk!mom]

First off, I'm so sorry. Life can be so hard.

My two cents, You need to spend the counseling dollars on yourself to gain the strength you need to take action. Your husband has made his position clear, now you need to get your affairs in order and get an exit strategy. It sounds as if he's already working on his. Get a good lawyer and make sure that you and your child are protected. Do not let your desire to work things out keep you from being tough and playing hardball in a divorce.

 

[sksjasams]

OP, is he seeing a psychiatrist? He needs a skilled psychiatrist who can find a better combination of meds for him. For my DH it took a long time to find the right mix - two diff types of anti-depressants with abilify added in. Whether you stay or not, it would benefit everyone if he was more stable.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this. Best of luck and many hugs to you and your child.

 

[Snowflakey]

One thing I've tried hard to instill in my daughters is to NEVER stay or be with any man who doesn't know if he wants to be with you. Have the self respect to know you are better and deserve better. I'm giving this advice to you as well.

Time to fight for you. Respect yourself enough to want better. For you and your son. Life is wonderful - go find someone to share it with. Hugs to you.

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

Sounds to me like it's more than a mid life crisis and he needs some professional help. And not just a therapist. He needs a skilled psychiatrist. The Xanax most likely isn't cutting it. The alcohol certainly isn't.

Good luck.