Homework issue.

[gr8tpanther]

My DD is going through what I am thinking is a HORMONALLY TRYING stage. Everything is a whine, everything is a chore, EVERYTHING!!!

She will sit at the table doing her homework and WHINE cause she has this to do or that to do and then she has her ONE chore to do when she is done with her homework. The time that she spends whining and complaining, she could have had it DONE!!!

Well, NOW she has a project (that I have known about for a week) that is detailed on paper from her teacher. Everyday I ask her where this paper is and EVERYDAY, she says "I forgot"!

Now, I am willing to help her prepare for this project, apparently this is a big part of a grade. It is a presentation project.

But I can't help her if she doesn't bring home the detail paper right? So if she doesn't bring it home, what should I do?

Tomorrow night is the school skating party, and she is "going" and I was going to be really mean and tell her that if she doesn't bring that paper home, she can't go skating. BUT, I am thinking that I should just let her go and if she never brings me that paper, that her project WON'T get done and she will get reprimanded at school. WHAT SHOULD I DO? What would YOU do?

Oh and her excuse when I ask WHY she didn't bring it home is "I forgot" or "I was in a hurry"!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Hhhhhmmmmm, interesting situation!

My first thought is that there might be some real 'issue' why your DD is continuing to refuse to bring home this assignment and to work on it??? Sounds like there may be bit more to it than the whining attitude??? Can you try to talk to her again about this project and why she is having such a hard time 'remembering'?

But, since you HAVE seen this assignment, and you do know for a fact that it exists, and that it is due soon, I think I would have a hard time letting her go to the skating party. I am kind of thinking along the lines that this is more than an occasional bad grade or forgotten homework. You have SPECIFICALLY asked her more than once to be sure to bring this assignment home so that she can get it done.

Natural consequences are always a good 'teacher'. If she refuses to bring it home, then let her fail to turn in the project. If this means detention, or a bad grade, then let her deal with all the consequences.

As far as 'being mean' and telling her that she cannot go to the skating party... If you have known about this project for a week and she is refusing to bring her assignment home and to complete it, then I do think that this would be a fair reaction. I would not find it to be overly 'mean'.

 

[Crankyshank]

Call me mean, but if the homework isn't done and a portion of the project is not complete, she would absolutely NOT be going to a skating party.

Why should she do what she's supposed to when there are no serious consequences for her actions?

 

[gr8tpanther]

Well, I must add something....

DD isn't much for bringing home things. Last year, she would bring home a paper about an event that was happening THAT DAY that she had known about for weeks, because she "forgot" to bring it home!

The forgetting to bring stuff home isn't new.

I briefly looked at this paper when i saw it laying on the table. She isn't one to ASK for help on her school homework, but after I looked at this paper, I KNEW that it wasn't something that she can do on her own, for she needs to get info off the net, and she doesn't know how to do that.

She doesn't get to do many SOCIAL things with other kids, because I work alot and she is basically confined to the house for the most part. So I hate to take away something that she NEVER gets to do.

But, I have a feeling, that I am going to have to do that.

 

[Nala217]

I would definately give her the no skating ultimatum. Kids need to know that school is important and how important you think it is. If she gets reprimanded at school she may not care, however she'd probably care if she didn't go skating. You could also e-mail or call her teacher and have them make sure she takes the sheet home. Or you could take her up to school and see if there is anyone to let you in to get her sheet. Good Luck. I was the same way when I was in school. I "forgot" a lot . Mostly, I just didn't want to do the assignment.

 

[Nancy]

I can't offer you any advice because we went through this with my oldest...she still tends to forget homework alot. We took things away, we grounded her, but she still didn't do the work. And whenever we took away something it was "I don't care" and she's go sit in her room. I'm glad that stage is over!


She is now 16 and if she forgets she now has to deal with the consequences. When she was a freshman those were failing 3 classes...so now she has a tough workload at school to catch up...and she will not be getting any senior priviledge next year when alot of her friends will.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Thanks, that additional info does shed more light!

Could it be time for a conference with your DD's teacher???

I do not know how it works at school with your DD, but with my DS, and I think in many other schools, There is a system set up. DS has a three ring binder. It has a built in pocket inside the front cover. This is where I place everything that I am sending back to the teacher (like order for school photo... signed grade/report card, etc...) So it is immediately visible and accessible. Then there is a pencil-pouch with a zipper closure, this is where smaller things, like money and change go, where they do not fall out and get lost. Then there is the Calendar, which also serves as his daily behavior report. (he is in First grade....) Then there are folders with pockets for homework assignments to be done... Completed work, etc...

These days school is very demanding, with all kinds of activities, assignments, etc... etc.. With this type of system, your DD would HAVE to be purposefully leaving things at school. (where, cluttering up her desk??? In the trash can???)

Perhaps a nice conference with her teacher about how to handle this forgetfulness???? That may end up being very beneficial to everyone.

And, yes, at your DD's age, I would imagine that they are being expected to learn and deal with this type of school responsibility. They are expected to keep up with these things more on their own..... I know you how you feel with your DD having these difficulties!!! It must be so hard to have to think about taking away the skating party when you want her to be a kid and to be social, and to have fun. However, I do think that this one time may be a good wake-up call for your DD. There will be many other school functions for her to attend!

Good luck with the project!

 

[gr8tpanther]

I just told her that if I don't have it tomorrow she isn't going skating.

The tears started and the "What if I can't remember?" And I said "if you DON'T remember, you are not going skating!"

I told her to write herself a note! Put it where she WON'T FORGET! Well, I have YET to see her write a note and I have YET to see her take anymore action towards the situation!

My DD is in 5th grade, and last year, we had a conference and the teacher worked with her on remembering things and making sure she had what she needed.

When do the kids get to the point where it is THEIR responsibility and NOT the adults?

I have no problem helping if she is going to HELP me help her, but I quit helping her long ago with school work when I WAS DOING IT!!! She is the type of child that when someone "helps" that someone ends up doing!

 

[Chicago526]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther
When do the kids get to the point where it is THEIR responsibility and NOT the adults?

This is when. When she "forgets" and you don't let her go (and really stick to it, don't give in!) is when it will sink in. Think of this as a wonderful teaching oprotunity!

If you wind up not letting her go, here's what I'd do. If she does the project and gets an acceptable grade, I'd try to make it up to her (missing the party). Maybe let her have a sleep over at your house, or have her throw a pizza party for her friends, something like that. This way it shows that if she does things the right way, good things happen, and if she does it the wrong way, bad things happen.

Good luck!

 

[WDSearcher]

You say your daughter "isn't very good at bringing home things." That's possibly because there's no consequences for it. First off, I wouldn't help her with the project regardless -- it's her project, she's old enough to do it herself, and it's her grade. If she doesn't do it and she loses the grade, she needs to have that happen. If she asks for your help on a skill or segment that she is having trouble with alone, that's one thing. But for you to be all worried about how you won't be able to help her if she doesn't bring the paper home -- I think that's wrong on your part. Obviously, she's procrastinating, and the more she does, the more work YOU are going to end up doing, because she'll probably just sit and whine while you do the project. You can teach her how to get info off the internet in about ten minutes -- the rest should be up to her.

I'm with CrankyShank. If she didn't have her homework done and an appropriate amount of work completed on her project, she would NOT be going to the skating party! And there's nothing mean about that. She needs to understand that she has responsibilities as a student, and that there are consequences if she doesn't fulfill those.

 

[DVC-Don]

Round here, homework not done = no outside activities.

 

[leahannpen]

If it was me, my child would not be going to the skating party. You are the parent and have that right. It's her responsibility to do her homework, yes, but as a parent it's still yours to make sure she does what she's supposed to do.

 

[WDSearcher]

Originally posted by gr8tpanther
The tears started and the "What if I can't remember?"

At this point, my mom would have gotten very serious, with a concerned look on her face, as if this was a major problem. Then ... she would have written a note and pinned it to my shirt and told me to wear it for the rest of the night to help me remember. When I got in PJs for bed, she'd have re-pinned it on my pajamas. She'd work it into every conversation we had for the rest of the night. There would be notes in the bathroom, on my bedroom door, pinned to my pillow, on the TV, everywhere. In the morning, she'd have put the note back on whatever clothes I was wearing. And, because she'd have known that I'd take the note off my sweater the minute I got outside, she'd have put notes in every pocket of my backpack, in between pages of any books I brought for homework and was likely to use that day, in my shoes, in my coat pockets, every single place she could think of. Because not only would I have absolutely no excuse then to "forget," I'd probably also have a bit of embarrassment in school every time I opened a book or a pencil case or a notebook and notes from my mom fell out. And she'd probably call the school and tell them to remind me too.

Mom didn't stand much for drama about things like this -- tears about "not remembering"? Oh .... I'd remember. She'd be sure of it.

 

[Crankyshank]

This is absolutely no way an attack on the OP or parents in general, but I am perplexed by something.

I guess I don't understand how so many kids are able to get away with forgetting homework and having significant parental assistance on projects. Shouldn't kids be learning responsibility and consequences of actions? Shouldn't they be graded on their own merits and abilities and not based on parental assistance? By assistance, I mean a parent actually doing a significant portion of the project - not guidance.

I guess my parents were extra strict because homework, chores, and familial responsibilities came first. If it wasn't completed, then you bet there was significant consequences besides a bad grade.
In my experience, I've encountered more and more kids and teens with no concept of consequences for misbehavior. I have to wonder how that's going to affect them as adults.

Again, this is not a reflection of my opinion of the OP, nor am I criticizing her parenting skills. It's a growing trend in my experiences. The thread just sparked something that has been perplexing me for a while

 

[WDSearcher]

I think part of it is the competitiveness now -- parents want their kids to succeed almost more than the kids do, because it reflects on them as parents. Or, at least, they think it does. If your kid is getting "D's", then obviously you're a bad parent. When I was growing up, parents didn't compare each other as much in that way. It's a shift in perceptions from "the good old days."

My parents were very strict about homework too. Also TV. For every hour of TV I wanted to watch (and believe me, I had it all scheduled out! ), I had to read for an hour, and schoolwork didn't count. At the time, it sucked. But now, I'm the only one in my immediate circle of friends who can talk intelligently about "Wuthering Heights," anything by Dickens, "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn", "To Kill A Mockingbird", anything by Louisa May Alcott, and dozens more. Of course, I can also recite episodes of "The Partridge Family", "Bewitched", and "Bonanza," so that side apparently stuck too!

 

[gr8tpanther]

I don't always feel like I am a "good" parent. I feel like I am depriving my kids of things because I am a single parent and don't have the time to do the things they would like to do. And then when we have issues, I feel like that is their way of retaliating against not being able to do those things. I don't let them go to birthday parties because I can't afford to buy presents for the child. I don't let them do things that cost alot of money because I can't afford the extra expenses.

WDSearcher - I like your mom, lol, I am going to put notes in her books and backpack so she can remember! And I keep asking her what she is to bring home with her tomorrow. Oh I hope she remembers, cause I don't want to make her stay home.

 

[sweet angel]

I've had this problem with my DS13 for a couple years now. He's getting a little better. We tried conferences with the teacher, assignment books (he forgot them), weekly progress reports (teachers never seemed to be there on Fridays to fill out and sign them). It was a constant battle.

I read two books that went against all the "friendly" ways of raising kids and went back to a more basic way...YOU are the parent. Your job is to make/enforce rules, whether they like it or not. It also talked about not "allowing your child to fail" because then they see it as acceptable. It takes a very proactive approach to parenting. The books were Back in Control and Parent in Control by Gregory Bodenhamer. He's not a miracle worker, and some of his methods seem a little extreme, but it gave me some good insight.

The school's position that unless a student fails 2 MAJOR subjects for the year, they don't stay back. A parent cannot request that the kid be retained, nor can the parent request summer school. My son was in danger of failing a couple of classes due to no homework (he forgot)...pulled it together by the skin of his teeth and managed to only fail one (math). This year, he's got an extra math lab.

He still got a mid-marking period unsatisfactory progress report. He's now not allowed outside during the week, even if I see that his homework is done.

Don't beat yourself up over being a single mom and what you can/can't do for your kids. I try not to. As long as you're providing a roof over their heads, clothing and food, you're doing your job. No one ever said it's easy. There's always going to be things they "need" (read as "want"), but down the road, they'll realize that you did the best you could and appreciate it. Hey, they won't be spoiled brats, right?

Oh, and I would absolutely NOT let her go skating tomorrow if she doesn't finish the project.

Two things...stick to your guns, and don't yell. Speak calmly (no matter how bonkers she may get)...it's makes them wonder what's going on!

PM me if you want to talk!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would tell her if the project isn't completed no skating, period.

 

[mom2of2]

My DS13 is the "King of Forgetfullness" so I hear that "excuse" all the time. I forgot! Well last year he "forgot" a permission slip that I signed and the check for a school trip and wound up spending the day of the trip with the 6th graders (he was in 7th grade so NOT COOL!!) He "forgot" to tell me about his Christmas Concert until 3 yes read it 3 HOURS before the concert (he did NOT attend!!) He's "forgotten" his lunch money more times then I can count and they aren't allowed to charge so he went hungry. Has this changed much this year? well the other day I saw black markings on his hand and he had written SLIP on his hand. Seems he needed me to sign a slip that he had forgotten over and over to bring home to me. The teacher got fed up with his excuses and handed him a sharpee to write on his hand. He remembered the slip!!
I used to run to the school every time he forgot something and cover for him. Not anymore!! I too heard the whining and got the tears...the whole nine yards, when I wouldn't let him do something because he had forgotten something more important.
Kids have to understand that school is their first priority and that fun and games are 2nd. You can't do the 2nd without doing the 1st.

 

[sweet angel]

Looks like we're all mean moms!