Holidays after a loss

[luvwinnie]

For those of you who have lost a loved one, how did you spend the holidays afterwards? My mom passed away in July. Thanksgiving was her favorite holiday and it's going to be tough for all of us. We are having dinner at my sister's and it's my BIL's 50th b.day also. I know she would want us to celebrate that...but it will be hard.
Last year, my FIL died the day before Thanksgiving and then on Dec 12 my mom had surgery that she wasn't expected to survive but miraculously did. SHe spent the next 9 weeks in the hospital with many complications...so Christmas was spent with her in the hosp and we didn't have a tree or anything. This year I think I will put up the Nativity and just my mom's small artifical tree (we usually get a real one). But I know we won't be feeling "jolly".

 

[snoopy]

The year after my mother died I made sure I invited all of the "strays" I knew to my house for Christmas. Not just my own extended family, but friends whose parents had passed away, or friends who could not get home for the holidays. I decided after my mother died family is what you make of it -- best to open up your heart to all possibilities.

 

[Stepharoonie!]

My first Christmas without my dad was literally a couple of weeks after he died. It was so, so hard to deal with...especially when my mom gave my sister and myself necklaces that he picked out because he knew he was sick...but we made it through. It gets a little easier with each passing year, but the first is always the hardest. This Nov. 30th will be 5 years now.

 

[luvwinnie]

That's wonderful Snoopy.

 

[Kimnicki]

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think everyone handles loss differently. My MIL passed away 11/14 of last year and Thanksgiving was very difficult. We all had dinner at my SIL's house and my FIL was very distant and quiet, while my DH and his brothers tried to keep things light. Some people would rather be alone, while others like to keep themselves busy. It's all in what you're comfortable with. No matter how you deal with it, it'll always be difficult. I like to submerse myself in my family. I hope you find your way through it all.


Kim

 

[Bob Slydell]

FIL died two years ago over 4th of July weekend -- the next major holiday (Thanksgiving) and then the first Christmas was pretty rough, but we just spent a lot of time together as a family and got through it somehow. We tried to keep up the same traditions that we did in the past (including making parsnips, despite the fact that we knew nobody would eat them -- because FIL always wanted them on Thanksgiving.)

We've also now started a tradition of going out of town somewhere for 4th of July -- none of us can bear to be home that weekend.

 

[doxdogy]

My mother passed away 4 days before Christmas. It was really tough on the whole family. The hardest part for me was wrapping all the gifts that she had purchased (she would have wanted Christmas to have some sense of normalcy). It will be 11 years this year and it does get easier each year.

 

[VAN]

I'm one of 14 children and we lost my Dad after 2 years struggle with cancer in July ... I'll be 50 over the Thanksgiving weekend as well.

My father had heart problems and we almost lost him many times beginning in his 50's so we felt that every day with him was a blessing. He lived to be 78. It was difficult when he was first diagnosed with lung cancer (no, he was never a smoker) to think that he had survived all the heart surgeries only to have cancer take him. After a 2-year struggle, I came to the realization at his funeral that God loved him and us so much that he eased him out of our lives rather than take him suddenly -- we had said our goodbyes and were ready to let him go. The last few months before his passing my Mom had stopped praying for him to get better but for him to be able to stay at home and die peacefully. Her prayers were answered.

We had the wonderful chance, these last 2 years, to witness his courage and faith. It never wavered. He was a wonderful example to all of us kids and to his 49 grandchildren.

We miss him, but feel that we were more than blessed to have him as a father and to have had him as long as we did. I feel that his memory/presence continues in the many people that would not be here if not for him.

The life he lead is one of rejoicing and one that we know has been rewarded in heaven. How can we be sad for him!! We will continue to be joyous at our family holiday gatherings -- he loved them so and would like us to continue the wonderful traditions that he so enjoyed. I can just see him now, beaming as he surveyed his large family.

I hope you can get by your grief and celebrate as a family as your mother would want you to.

 

[luckywife]

My mom passed away last August, three weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. The "firsts" last year were VERY hard. Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. but we celebrated and each of us shed many tears on those holidays. My mom was a big donald duck fan so at Christmas I got my dad's permission to borrow all of her Donald Duck ornaments from the house and I made a special tree just for her, decorated with Donald Duck. It made me feel better. When I looked at the tree, I could feel how happy she was for having something that was so special to her sitting out for everyone to see. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love so much. I expect holidays will always be hard but I know they will get easier as time goes on. I guess I really don't have any advice but just wanted you to know that celebrating the way your mom would have wanted is a great thing to do and if you feel up to it, you could do something special in her honor.
God Bless you and your family.

 

[Blueeyes101817]

my aunt died on december 18, 1998...she had two young boys so we all tried to be happy for them..that first christmas was very hard for us ,but we just all pretended to be happy..then a few of our family would go away every now and then

every year, we all talk about my aunt now and the boys can talk about their mom....


hugs to you and your family

 

[geffric]

My Mother past away in May of this year and my father has been in and out of the hospital ever since. My sister and I have been talking about the same thing.. do we do the things we have done every year?/ Or start a new family traditon?/

Providing that my father is well enough, I am all in favor of all of us going to CA and being with the only other relatives we have ...
But that only works for my family as my kids don't have school on Wednesday before t'day.. My sister and brother 's families can't leave town due to school / work etc.. so my guess is that we will do the same things as in the past and try and be cheery...

hugs to you and your family..

 

[mrsltg]

This year my family has lost a lot. I lost my son in May, and my Nana on October 5th. We also lost a close family friend in August. My mother (Nana's daughter) is not planning on decorating for Christmas. She will only put a wreath on the door and put up the tree. She will also only send Christmas cards to "special" people - close family and friends. I, on the other hand, am going all out this holiday season. I have a dd who will have just turned 4 at Christmas, and not decorating, or not really celebrating, because of the loss of my boy would do such dishonor to him. Even though Christmas will be hard without Patrick, I think I would be making the year even more unbearable for Dierdre if we took Christmas away. She's already had to grow up a lot faster than she ever should have.

To everyone here, I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to say goodbye.

Erin

 

[newholiday]

I remember my Dad always had peppermint lifesavers in his pocket and a Milky Way bar after dinner
soooo I have lifesavers and milky ways at our dinner places

Dad died in 1994 - the first few years I had made a star & on each point had a diff line about things I remembered about Dad

Is there a way to remember your parent?

 

[Disneyland_emily]

I also have a rough time doing holidays but I try to always do something. This is the first year in a long time (since 2000 when my last daughter died) that I have felt like decorating. The first and last thing to go up is my angel tree. It is 9 feet tall and is in the entrance hall. It has an angel on it for everyone I was close to that died. Its my way of remembering them and telling them that we havent forgotten. We also use christmas eve as our remembrance day where we hold our candle ceremony after the last candle goes out- it becomes a happy time to celebrate with those who are still with us. We cant ignore the living-

Just do what your heart tells you to do. It does get easier. It does.


-em

 

[luvwinnie]

Thank you all. I am so touched and so sorry for you losses. I am having angel pins made for my nieces and sister with "Mom' and "grams" on them with a butterfly and heart...they are symbolic to us. And I'm putting out my mom's Nativity set.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I know how you feel. My grandfather died December 23rd. This year will be 10 years since his passing. I was only 15 at the time, so don't really remember how we dealt with it (my memory is horrible), but I still miss him a lot. We were very close.

 

[Mimi Q]

My grandmother passed away 15 years ago this October 27th. I still can hardly deal with Thanksgiving. Growing up she always made a feast at her house, and it still doesn't feel right without her. We have been to WDW two times for Thanksgiving and plan to return next year at that time. I really like getting away. I would go out of town every Thanksgiving if I could, but I feel like we need to be with our extended family at least every other year.

 

[anut4disney]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother in May of 1976, I was 24 and always thought she would be around (still miss her) and Mother's Day was really hard. A song came out about mothers and I think I did nothing but cry.

My mother loved Christmas more than anything. She decorated, cooked, got presents (loved to put them in boxes, tape them up and get us kids to wrap them. The whole time she is trying to get us to guess what they were.)

The year she died I was determined to have mom's Christmas. I did everything that she did and I felt like she was right there with me the whole time. We talked about all the Christmas past and I swear she was with us in spirit enjoying it.

The most special part of this Christmas was when I opened a box that had a charm in it. She had started me a charm bracelet when I was around 14 and every Christmas and birthday I got another charm (still have it too). I of course didn't expect one that year but there it was. I cried and laughed at the same time. Just one more Christmas surprise from my mom.

It does get easier and now I tell the grandkids the things that she did and make it special for them.

 

[MNSusan]

Much pixie dust to those of you facing the holidays this year without a loved one. They will be with you in your hearts!

My mom's birthday was Christmas Day and the year she died (in September) was very hard. Everything revolved around her! We tried to do everything the same that year - same Christmas Eve dinner, same time to open gifts, go to midnight services, etc. The following year we decided that we would do a Christmas Day brunch instead. We always remember Mom and toast to her and her birthday, but its nice to have some new traditions, too.

 

[CarolA]

My mother and I have developed a "travel" habit since the death of her mother. The first year we went to Vegas (I did not have much time to plan since my Grandmother died in November), the second year we did the Disney cruise and this year we head to Paris. I know it is a little strange, but my mom LOVES to travel so it works for us.