Helping Someone Grieve

[disneychrista]

The guy I have been seeing Mom passed away this morning. She has been ill for awhile and he has been her caretaker, along with his two sisters. This is the fourth (close) family member in the past 4 years that has passed. I know he is having a hard time with it. I have let him know that I am here if he needs me for anything. What, if anything else, can I do?

 

[ADLFAN]

My dad passed a few months ago and what I would have appreciated is a little more constant contact from my friends and family. Just more chances to talk back without having to be the person who initiates contact. Texts felt best to me because being on the phone felt like too much pressure to 'sound ok'. And maybe a nice grocery delivery with some good soup and bread, awesome sandwich makings, homemade spaghetti sauce and noodles, coffee and apple cider, and other cozy comfort foods that require little effort to prepare. Grief is crappy for everyone, and when I was going through it heavily I really did notice my emotions were very up and down and I was... likely a bit unpredictable and unpleasant sometimes. So stay tough and don't take anything personally for a bit if he snaps or doesn't act like the guy you know.

 

[BadPinkTink]

be the gofer / the driver if he says we need to go here to collect this, say I'll drive, or I'll do that. Order or cook food without being asked to when you see that meal times have gone askew. Just be there physically ie go over to the house and hang out, but dont expect conversation or interaction. Do the washup or load the dishwasher after meals. Take the garbage out, take the dog for a walk.

When my dad died, my friends backed off. After the viewing we had neighbours and family back to our house and I invited one friend. She said she couldnt as her boyfriend was with her. I said he can come too and she said no he wouldnt be comfortable. I really needed someone there for me, to ask how I was, to just sit and chat. But I ended up being the hostess, making sure auntie had a cup of tea, uncle had a beer, my mum had a sandwich etc etc you get the picture. There was no one there just for me so even though we had just come from the viewing and my head was in a spin, I had shut all that off and be the hostess.

You dont need to be anything, just physically be there, even if you just sit there in a corner playing with the dog. He will really apriciate that someone is there, just for him, someone he dosnt have to put on a show for, take care of, do something for. Be there person he hcan just come over and give a hug to without having to say anything, or someone he can just sit with without having to speak or have anything expected of.

 

[jerseygal]

Very sorry for your boyfriends loss. It certainly is very very difficult the first day after all the funeral services, burial is done. It seems "easier" to cope with, during the funeral visitation hours, services, repass when you are surrounded by family and friends. Then the "morning after" all the services are done and you wake up to your new "reality" of loss. Just being there for him and as others have said, offering to make some meals, or to run errands offering to make daily life a little easier. Thoughts and prayers for your boyfriend during this most difficult time.

 

[disneychrista]

Thank you for the reply’s. The one thing I wasn’t sure about was to keep checking in or give him space. Sounds like I should keep checking in.

I’ll offer him food, an ear, and just be there.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you for the reply’s. The one thing I wasn’t sure about was to keep checking in or give him space. Sounds like I should keep checking in.

I’ll offer him food, an ear, and just be there.

Yes and please read through @BadPinkTink ’s post agin as well - it’s very thoughtful. Purpose to be there in the short-run, whenever and wherever needed. Realize it needs to be “all about him”. Don’t try to distract him with conversations about your regular life together and expect him to respond as if nothing’s happened. That will resume but it’s not time yet.

Commit to attending the services and gatherings if he wants you there but be prepared to graciously stay in the background. If your relationship is fairly new it’s not the time to be forging a place in the family. Be there to support just him and keep your eyes open for practical things you can do without having to be asked. Everybody says “let me know if you need anything”. The bereaved seldom ever actually express their requests.

Mostly just be patient and keep a level head. People react unpredictably in these situations and family dynamics often get weird. It can be quite trying but just keep the big picture in view. Most importantly, if for whatever reason, you sense him withdrawing or he doesn’t want to include you in family time, respect it. Don’t press beyond where he’s comfortable. This situation will require a lot of selflessness on your part but could lay an important foundation for your future. I wish you all well.

 

[BadPinkTink]

Thank you for the reply’s. The one thing I wasn’t sure about was to keep checking in or give him space. Sounds like I should keep checking in.

Most people think, I'll give them space, if they need me they know to call me. In fact, this is the LAST thing that bereaved people need. People stay away, back off, dont go to the house when they used to call in all the time before the death, stop sending texts or phoning because they dont want to bother the bereaved person or family. In fact this is the time that bereaved people really need their friends and SO around them.

Going through grief, especially in the first weeks and months, the bereaved person is in a complete spin, and can be spaced out and loose interest in things. They are not going to think, oh I need to sit in the park, I will call Sharon to come sit with me for a while as I havent seen her this week. What the bereaved person will do is go down to the park, sit on a bench alone and cry and think I wish Sharon was here, why hasnt she called me, I havent heard from her in over a week.

 

[disneychrista]

Yes and please read through @BadPinkTink ’s post agin as well - it’s very thoughtful. Purpose to be there in the short-run, whenever and wherever needed. Realize it needs to be “all about him”. Don’t try to distract him with conversations about your regular life together and expect him to respond as if nothing’s happened. That will resume but it’s not time yet.

Commit to attending the services and gatherings if he wants you there but be prepared to graciously stay in the background. If your relationship is fairly new it’s not the time to be forging a place in the family. Be there to support just him and keep your eyes open for practical things you can do without having to be asked. Everybody says “let me know if you need anything”. The bereaved seldom ever actually express their requests.

Mostly just be patient and keep a level head. People react unpredictably in these situations and family dynamics often get weird. It can be quite trying but just keep the big picture in view. Most importantly, if for whatever reason, you sense him withdrawing or he doesn’t want to include you in family time, respect it. Don’t press beyond where he’s comfortable. This situation will require a lot of selflessness on your part but could lay an important foundation for your future. I wish you all well.

That is basically what I have done. I've let him know I am here, whenever for whatever. I don't expect to be included in any type of services, I don't know if our relationship is there. But I am willing to do whatever he needs.

 

[cabanafrau]

Most people think, I'll give them space, if they need me they know to call me. In fact, this is the LAST thing that bereaved people need. People stay away, back off, dont go to the house when they used to call in all the time before the death, stop sending texts or phoning because they dont want to bother the bereaved person or family. In fact this is the time that bereaved people really need their friends and SO around them.

Going through grief, especially in the first weeks and months, the bereaved person is in a complete spin, and can be spaced out and loose interest in things. They are not going to think, oh I need to sit in the park, I will call Sharon to come sit with me for a while as I havent seen her this week. What the bereaved person will do is go down to the park, sit on a bench alone and cry and think I wish Sharon was here, why hasnt she called me, I havent heard from her in over a week.

Bear in mind that while that may be the case for many, people are different and have different ways of processing grief.

It's perfectly okay to say to someone who is grieving, I want to be there for you, I want you to know if you need me you can count on me. I'm not entirely certain what is the "right" thing for you and don't want to be an added pressure on you, either, expecting you to maybe feel you need to be bothered by me, contend with me or put on any kind of face with me. Please be honest with me about whether or not you would like some company when I call you or whether you would like me to bring dinner or meals for your freezer. Please don't feel bound by social convention of saying, oh no, you really don't have to when I offer something -- tell me the plain truth about whether my offer is welcomed and would be helpful to you. I'm offering because I love you and I care and I really won't be offended if you really need the evening to yourself watching HGTV because you just can't deal with anyone else today or if you really won't eat the spaghetti sauce or the chicken picatta I'm offering to bring over because you don't like them. If I know you could really go for my Mediterranean steak salad I'll probably be whipping up the marinade for the steak before you can even finish getting the words out of your mouth. Don't "polite" my attempts to give you some support because you're worried what I'll think about your house being askew or your hair being out of control because you haven't been able to face the effort of making an appointment and following through.

I've been through this with a friend or five, a couple in really traumatic loss situations. It can be tricky when you are trying to be supportive and you make offers and it's difficult to tell whether the rebuff is reflexive social convention politeness or someone really wanting some alone time. For one friend she was faced with the new reality of a husband who is profoundly disabled (in his late 40s) in nursing care for several years now. She got a lot of offers and turned most down, many out of politeness and some because she genuinely didn't want the baggage some of the people making the offers brought with them. She confided that to me a few months down the road and I've always kept that in mind. How do I know that for another person if I keep making offers, dropping by with food, etc., I'm not actually irritating them? I was someone this particular friend wanted help from, but maybe for the next friend I'm in the annoying column. That's why I do try to make it clear I'm happy to help, even if at times the best I can do is stay back and wait until asked.

 

[Marchand63]

be the gofer / the driver if he says we need to go here to collect this, say I'll drive, or I'll do that. Order or cook food without being asked to when you see that meal times have gone askew. Just be there physically ie go over to the house and hang out, but dont expect conversation or interaction. Do the washup or load the dishwasher after meals. Take the garbage out, take the dog for a walk.

When my dad died, my friends backed off. After the viewing we had neighbours and family back to our house and I invited one friend. She said she couldnt as her boyfriend was with her. I said he can come too and she said no he wouldnt be comfortable. I really needed someone there for me, to ask how I was, to just sit and chat. But I ended up being the hostess, making sure auntie had a cup of tea, uncle had a beer, my mum had a sandwich etc etc you get the picture. There was no one there just for me so even though we had just come from the viewing and my head was in a spin, I had shut all that off and be the hostess.

You dont need to be anything, just physically be there, even if you just sit there in a corner playing with the dog. He will really apriciate that someone is there, just for him, someone he dosnt have to put on a show for, take care of, do something for. Be there person he hcan just come over and give a hug to without having to say anything, or someone he can just sit with without having to speak or have anything expected of.

Thank you for the reply’s. The one thing I wasn’t sure about was to keep checking in or give him space. Sounds like I should keep checking in.

I’ll offer him food, an ear, and just be there.

I bolded BPT's answer because when my Mom passed in February this is just what my DH & DS did. They just were there, no chatter just the nearness of them made it so much better.

I was the caretaker along with my brother for my Mom, when she passed it left such a void that I had a harder time then than when I was wrangling my DM with alzheimers.

 

[cabanafrau]

I bolded BPT's answer because when my Mom passed in February this is just what my DH & DS did. They just were there, no chatter just the nearness of them made it so much better.

I was the caretaker along with my brother for my Mom, when she passed it left such a void that I had a harder time then than when I was wrangling my DM with alzheimers.

It's wonderful that you got the support that you needed. No doubt there were other friends or extended family members who would have been happy to offer support, yet whom you might have felt awkward to have over without the need to engage in conversation.

Sometimes it depends on the relationship you have with someone -- and funnily enough sometimes I've seen it happen where it's easier for those suffering a loss to seek out those who aren't quite so emotionally close to the situation because they're simply talking to someone not emotionally enmeshed and can "escape" the reality for x amount of time by talking to the neighbor about what's making the lawn so yellow or why the headlight on the car keeps burning out. Hopefully we're all blessed to have the right mix of who and what we need at the moment to help pull us through our grief.

 

[LovesTimone]

If there are alot of people stopping by the house. Lots of things you can help with. Make some food, order food, stuff that can be easily warmed up, stuff for sandwiches, Canned drinks, bottled water, bags of ice and a cooler. As well as paper products, paper plates, paper towels, napkins, plastic cutlery, toilet tissue, garage bags. Wash dishes, fill and empty the dish washer, Help keep the house picked up, take out the trash, all the things that get looked over during this time. I have even thrown in a load of towels in the washer and dryer. Wipe the bathroom down, empty the trash in there as well. If there is a dog that needs to be walked do it, feed and water the pets.

Just be there, hold his hand, sometimes just sitting in the room is helpful.

So sorry for his loss.

 

[disneychrista]

Just be there, hold his hand, sometimes just sitting in the room is helpful.

Being there for him, is all I can do. Unfortunately, there isn't much else I can do for him (unless he asks). I texted this morning to check in on him but havne't heard back. We aren't at a stage where my just stopping by seems right (plus he lives with his sisters, so that would be weird). I'm going to be driving right by his house on the way to visit another friend later. I am going to text again to see if he needs anything.

 

[disneychrista]

I spoke with him right before I left to visit another friend. He is struggling but not really ready to be around people. He has his sisters so at least he isn't alone. He knows I am here if he needs. And I won't abandon him because he doesn't need me (even though I am here for him).

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

My dad died this summer and this is my personal experience.

BE SPECIFIC.

My friends said in cards and texts “ let me know if there’s anything I can do.” However, one of my friends was specific and said “ let me know if you need me to come and water all of your flowers while you’re gone.”

BE SPECIFIC.

If someone said “ let me know....” well i wasn’t thinking clearly enough to even know what I needed.

Make sure he has food. Make sure he has clean and ironed and appropriate clothes to wear to the funeral.

 

[LovesTimone]

Being there for him, is all I can do. Unfortunately, there isn't much else I can do for him (unless he asks). I texted this morning to check in on him but haven't heard back. We aren't at a stage where my just stopping by seems right (plus he lives with his sisters, so that would be weird). I'm going to be driving right by his house on the way to visit another friend later. I am going to text again to see if he needs anything.

You could just take food to the house, with a note/card for the family, and you can say something like "I just wanted to drop this off for you and your family". It doesn't have to be awkward. You can just leave the food at the door, with whoever answers it. If it's his sister's and you haven't met them yet, just say your a friend and leave it at that.

During this time, there is a lot to do, you honestly can't think straight, your emotional state is scattered, and focusing on anything seems almost impossible.

 

[disneychrista]

You could just take food to the house, with a note/card for the family, and you can say something like "I just wanted to drop this off for you and your family". It doesn't have to be awkward. You can just leave the food at the door, with whoever answers it. If it's his sister's and you haven't met them yet, just say your a friend and leave it at that.

Honestly, I am not even sure where the front door of the house is. There is a large wooden fence around the front of the house. I have only been to the driveway.

I have been checking in. Asking if he (or his sisters) need anything and letting him know that I am available whenever for whatever. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem like there is more I can do. I think he just wants to be with his family right now.

 

[focusondisney]

Honestly, I am not even sure where the front door of the house is. There is a large wooden fence around the front of the house. I have only been to the driveway.

I have been checking in. Asking if he (or his sisters) need anything and letting him know that I am available whenever for whatever. Unfortunately, there doesn't seem like there is more I can do. I think he just wants to be with his family right now.

Sounds like a newer, not yet serious relationship. I think you have done what you can for now. I would back off, pay respects if there is a viewing. If you want to send food, see if you can have something delivered like sandwiches or salads.

My DD has been in an exclusive relationship for several years, but they do not live together. His mom passed last year after a brief, brutal illness. He was the primary emotional support & advisor for both parents as they navigated the final few months. DD barely saw him but they texted several times a week. He could not focus on anything but his parents for months. He called DD when his mom passed. She attended the services with friends. She really just backed off, gave him all the time & space he needed. He is an outgoing person, but needed this private time with just his family. They are now closer than ever & planning their future.

I don’t want to disagree with the PP, but not everyone wants people around when these things happen. Or they may not want casual friends & dates to be there. I would say, take his cue. You probably have to read him a little & take it from there. If you have never even been to his house, this is not the time to show up & start doing things PPs have suggested. JMHO.

 

[ronandannette]

Sounds like a newer, not yet serious relationship. I think you have done what you can for now. I would back off, pay respects if there is a viewing. If you want to send food, see if you can have something delivered like sandwiches or salads.

My DD has been in an exclusive relationship for several years, but they do not live together. His mom passed last year after a brief, brutal illness. He was the primary emotional support & advisor for both parents as they navigated the final few months. DD barely saw him but they texted several times a week. He could not focus on anything but his parents for months. He called DD when his mom passed. She attended the services with friends. She really just backed off, gave him all the time & space he needed. He is an outgoing person, but needed this private time with just his family. They are now closer than ever & planning their future.

I don’t want to disagree with the PP, but not everyone wants people around when these things happen. Or they may not want casual friends & dates to be there. I would say, take his cue. You probably have to read him a little & take it from there. If you have never even been to his house, this is not the time to show up & start doing things PPs have suggested. JMHO.

I don't disagree, given the further information @disneychrista has provided. I think we all may have assumed the relationship was a bit "further along". No matter what, "taking his cue" is certainly a very wise course of action.

 

[disneychrista]

He was the primary emotional support & advisor for both parents as they navigated the final few months. DD barely saw him but they texted several times a week. He could not focus on anything but his parents for months.

This is pretty much the way it has been the entire time we have been seeing each other. He & I talk/text nearly every day but haven't gotten to spend much time together. If wasn't for the fact that we were friends/acquaintances for the past two years things wouldn't have even had a chance to develop into whatever it has.

I don't disagree, given the further information @disneychrista has provided. I think we all may have assumed the relationship was a bit "further along".

Not sure where you would have gotten that.