Help!

[pegster]

Well we have been planning this trip to disney for 2 years. Me, dh, dd, dd, ds, myniece and her dd, dh and my bi. well we got a call yesterday morning, my brother inlaw says he only has $170.00 to take for spending money, everything is paid except food. It is just him, but we will be there 8 days???
he says he wants to go but just doesn't know what to do. We have loaned him money before and he doesn't pay back ever!!
We are so looking forward to this trip we have ps evryday but one. he has been told for the last 2 years. he is 43 so i would have thought he would have been saving up. anyways just had to vent.

 

[MKCP5]

You have two choices, tell him you are sorry he won't be coming with you--yes, I am serious, --continuing to let him suck you dry does no one any favors, obviously he relies on it, or you can pay for all his meals and just consider it part of your trip expense. If you do the latter do it with a good and loving heart though, not with resentment and anger. It will surely show through and bubble out.

 

[Helene]

At 43 he's a big boy and needs to figure this out himself. Based on what you've said, I would guess he's generally not good with his money and looks to other's to bail him out. Remember: JUST SAY NO!!!!! (you may not have been planning to anyway).

If it's just for him, I'd say "too bad, so sad, we'll let you know how the trip was if you feel you can't survive on what you've saved". May sound harsh, but I'd be a liitle more open to helping him out if he hadn't done this before and not repaid his debts.

Good Luck, I truly hope you can enjoy your trip

Helene

 

[hallie615]

You need to decide if you will have a better trip with him or without him. If it would be better without him just say sorry you won't be joining us this time. If you will enjoy your trip more with him there than just chalk it up to a birthday gift or holiday gift (nice gift).

We used to always lend my BIL money, it never stops once you start. We used to say if we didn't get it back (we never get it back) it was ok cause it was for necessities, a vacation is another story. We still feel bad when we go away and he can't, but my DH and I both do not work full time and watch our spending habits to take others (bil)on vacation when we rarely go away ourselves. Sorry if I am not much of a help in this situation but this same subject cause many fights in our home Keep me posted!!

 

[ChristyJ]

OMG-I feel badly for you! It's no fun to deal with that stuff-tell him he can charge his food to a credit card-or to his room card (does he have his own room because I wouldn't want him to be able to charge it back to the room and have it be your expense).

We have big families-and although I'm blessed in many ways-this sort of thing makes me crazy!!

It doesn't help him to enable him to continue to depend on you-plus you'll likely feel resentful if you do pay for him. 43 is old enough...

Sorry to sound so judgemental...

 

[spyglass]

Sounds like my bi who is always expecting everyone else to pick up the tab. I would just tell him you are sorry he won't be going but you have no extra money to give him. If you have ps everyday, there is no way he could afford the trip. I remember coming home from our last trip and my bi asked how he could go to disney and I told him to save his money like we did for the last two years.

Does he have a full-time job?

 

[lovewdwdvc]

He can do it on $20 per day if he really wants to do it. Tell him to pack a loaf of bread and some Peanut Butter. One bottle of water can be refilled through out the trip and he can eat one good meal with $20 or two samll meals. Let him know how much you will enjoy spending the days with him and that you hope that he may be able to join you for a meal or two if his finances allow. That way it is his responsibility and his decision.

 

[S. C.]

Let him eat counter service and you can meet up after your meals. Tell him sorry but you do not have the extra money to feed him.

 

[crisi]

That gives him $20 a day to spend.

It can be done. If you rent a car, do a grocery trip. He'll be eating a lot of meals without you guys or with food he brings into the park. But some peanut butter sandwiches, bread, lunchmeat will keep him from starving. If you are willing to share meals at sit down (doesn't work for buffets) he can eat quite well. However, its going to take some cooperation from everyone, cooperation you need to decide if you are willing to do. And that is up to you. You may not be really hot on the whole "order four meals for five adults and split thing" (and I'd be the last to blame you.)

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

Well, there's a couple other options, but I think it also matters what his financial situation- does he have a legitimate reason why he hasn't saved? If he just went through a divorce or lost a job, etc. I would probably just "treat" him, but if he just hasn't planned, that's different. Did he pay for his other trip expenses- resort, etc.? is he employed? Is his job well-paying or low paying? Does he have trouble making ends meet or is this simply poor planning? What are his intentions and circumstances? All of those things would impact my decision.

If it was understandable that he doesn't have enough money, I might do a grocery stop and stock the resort with foods that he (and others) could grab for breakfast, snack, etc. I would let him purchase his own meals, but might "treat" him for others, give him "Disney Dollars" or something like that to help out, but not just pay for everything.

If he is really trying to take you for a free ride,don't get in!!!Tell him not to come or to find more cash or get a credit card- Disney Visa is giving 25- 50 dollars free- and I'm pretty sure they still have the 0% interest for the first few months. He can borrow from them- and I'm sure they will get their money back!!

In all cases, if he needs a little guidance, offer to help him budget, sell items on ebay, have a garage sale, etc. to get the extra money.

Another idea- force him to babysit (if he's responsible with kids, etc.) to "work off" the meals you buy.

Anyway, I would not loan him any money because it's not going to come back- decide how much help he really needs, and what you are willing to do/give him, AND what he really deserves.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[justplaingoofy]

Sounds like you have a decision to make. I don't envy you. (Other than the fact that your going to Disney)
Tough call, I agree with the person that said if there is a reason he's been able (divorce, lost job, etc.) but he's had two years to save....
Good luck

 

[pegster]

THANKS EVERYBODY. I first of all that is what lights my fuse, he has a great job and makes good money for a single person. he was divorced 5 years ago. no support or alimony. He has every kind of xbox, playstation and so on........
i have told him several ways of saving. he paid for resort and ticket with tax refund a year and half ago.
We have decided as a family we are not loaning any more money. i called and talked to him today, he thinks he will pawn some of his xbox, playstation things. I know this may sound bad but i don't feel bad about it at all. I am a stay at home mom and have always budgeted our money. i sell on ebay also. my husband works full time and i just don't feel it is right to just keep giving him money.
Today he said he had come up with a little more money. so we are just kind of waiting it out to see we leave friday evening. so i will keep you posted.
thanks again!!!

 

[staci]

i called and talked to him today, he thinks he will pawn some of his xbox, playstation things. I know this may sound bad but i don't feel bad about it at all. QUOTE]


Dont feel bad that a 43 year old man has to sell his xbox!! It sounds like he should have done this a LONG TIME ago!!

i wouldnt worry about him. Peanut Butter, Bread, and a big box of doughnuts will go a long way for a single guy.

 

[WaltD4Me]

My BIL did something sort of, kind of similiar when my whole family went to Disney. I had planned it for over a year, everyone was going, it was bought and paid for and my BIL just never told his boss about the trip...I told him and reminded him, but he never told him, then 4 days before we leave, he finally tells his boss and his boss tells him if he goes he's fired!!! (a bit different than an X-Box, but still stupid!) I didn't get involved as I let my sister (his wife) handle it, but he did wind up going and he did get fired. Everything is okay now, he got a better job, but it was a nerve wracking thing before the trip. I could have killed him.

We have decided as a family we are not loaning any more money. i called and talked to him today, he thinks he will pawn some of his xbox, playstation things. I know this may sound bad but i don't feel bad about it at all.

Ummmmmm, sound bad to WHO? Certainly no one on this board I'm sure!

Now if you had said, he sold his dog or something, then MAYBE, but an X-Box? Playstation things? In exchange for a 2 year planned trip to Disney? Nope, he won't be getting any sympathy from me!

And I wouldn't worry about it too much, (if at all) I'm sure he can and will buy another X-Box when he gets home!

 

[pegster]

You all are so right. i reminded him constantly about saving money for trip. Thanks everyone, made me feel better. this board is better than therapy . thanks again!
we leave in 4 days

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

THANKS EVERYBODY. I first of all that is what lights my fuse, he has a great job and makes good money for a single person. he was divorced 5 years ago. no support or alimony. He has every kind of xbox, playstation and so on........
i have told him several ways of saving. he paid for resort and ticket with tax refund a year and half ago.
We have decided as a family we are not loaning any more money. i called and talked to him today, he thinks he will pawn some of his xbox, playstation things. I know this may sound bad but i don't feel bad about it at all. I am a stay at home mom and have always budgeted our money. i sell on ebay also. my husband works full time and i just don't feel it is right to just keep giving him money.
Today he said he had come up with a little more money. so we are just kind of waiting it out to see we leave friday evening. so i will keep you posted.
thanks again!!!

Between the "toys" and the dependency and the irresponsibility, it sounds like he's going through a second childhood/adolescence. Hopefully, he will work through his issues as well as his finances.

You shouldn't feel bad- if he makes enough money, and you have tried to help him save, then the ball is in his court- he has to learn sometime, right? The fact that he's selling some of his extras tells me he's getting the message. Congrats!

Enjoy your trip!

 

[MKCP5]

Stay strong!!!!! I applaud your straightforward discussion with him. I can't stand the whiny "well what am I supposed to do about it?" martyr routine that many people fall into. People can only take advantage of you if you give them permission to!!
Have a fabulous trip, be guilt and misery free and let us know how it goes when you get back!!!

 

[mickeyfan2]

I would tell him that he needs more money for food. About $40/day.

 

[crisi]

As a casual gamer married to a non-casual gamer, if he has as much stuff as you imply it won't be any problem for him to go into a second hand game store and walk out with another $200 or $300. Those darn things multiply like rabbits, and if you are the type with money to just buy them, it isn't often you get around to gathering them up and turning them into cash.

We've switched over to using gamefly, which is like netflix for games. My husband has one game out for himself and one game out for our son at any time - keeps the games from collecting.